

I can remember, as early as four years old, sitting in between my mom's legs on the living room floor while she plaited my hair adding barrettes, having conversations about how I came to be hers. "You're my baby, but I didn't have you," she'd say. "D gave you to me. That's why you're so special."
I'd simply reply, "Okay mom." And special is how I always felt.
I never felt "adopted."
I never felt an emptiness or the desire to search for answers like many adoptees experienced. It was never a secret. It couldn't be, because my birth mom was always around.
July 4, 1991 - the day I became my mom's
I was born the fourth of seven children. My birth mom, D, and my mom are first cousins, raised like sisters. From what I know, D was a partier (that's who I get my dancing skills from). She was slim-thick, beautiful and chocolate, and a sweetheart. But at the time, she was more attracted to going out than being at home.
D would often leave me in the care of my grandfather, who was blind in one eye with glaucoma. My mom checked in on him often and helped him care for me while she was there. From the moment she saw me, she says it was love at first sight.
My grandfather did his best to care for me, insisting D would return, but time passed and after a conversation with my aunt (D's sister), my mom suggested she take me off of his hands for a few days. He obliged and on July 4, 1991, at five months old, I left my grandfather's house with a onesie on my back, on the hip of my mom, and was hers from that day forward.
My dad, who was my mom's boyfriend of six years at the time, accepted and loved me immediately. They broke up when I was around 8 months old. But, he had me every weekend and they coparented. My childhood was glorious. My dad spoiled me, literally. I had all the material things one could imagine: diamonds, custom trench coats, a princess themed room at both houses, toys galore.
More importantly, I had an abundance of love.
They both took me to school every morning, together after a hearty breakfast at a local diner. We took photos together, celebrated holidays as a family – the whole nine. It was like they never broke up.
As the story goes, D called one day before I turned two and told my mom that she was on her way to get me, permanently, but my mom refused. After that, my mom officially filed paperwork to legally adopt me. My dad brought receipts to court to show that they were caring for me. The judge signed off. But, the angel that my mom is, never blocked D from having contact. She gave her open access to me. As a I grew older, I'd ask why. "I love her because without her, I wouldn't have you. One day, you'll understand."
Me and Dad when I was about 2 years old.
As time passed, D picked me up from school often and I was able to spend time with my siblings. I even stayed with her at times. Things were fine. It wasn't until around middle school that I started to feel resentful. I began to notice that when D picked me up from school, she'd tell the other parents that she was my mom. That irked me. I didn't know how to verbalize how I felt when I was younger, but now, I can say that I don't feel she had the right to claim that title.
She gave birth to me, but she wasn't my mom.
I've always been the "let go and let God" type, even as a child, so that's what I did. After one of many breakdowns, my mom finally left it up to me to determine whether or not I communicated with my birth mother and her family. I decided to step aside and if any relationships would form, it would have to be on my terms.
I stayed in my own world for a long time. That changed my junior year of college when my mom called to tell me that D was having a serious and potentially fatal surgery. My mom insisted I call, always reminding me, "I wouldn't have you if it weren't for her." I then called her to tell her that I loved her and prayed her surgery went well. Thankfully, it did.
After that, I tried to establish some form of a relationship, without everyone else's interference or input. Something about that phone call created a form of an epiphany for me. After all, she did give birth to me.
So in 2017, we started talking a lot more often.
In August of that year, my mom and I went to a birthday celebration at my aunt's house. Just as we pulled up, D was leaving. I asked her to stay for a bit and we ended up spending a few hours together, drinking, talking, and taking pictures. There was a feeling of nostalgia – of peace – I thought to myself, This is how it should be. Little did I know, that would be the last time I'd have that opportunity.
The next month, I got a call from my aunt one Saturday evening. D had a stroke and she told me that it wasn't looking good. I went to the hospital and we were told she wouldn't make it through the night. She did.
The next three weeks were filled with hospital visits and meetings between my siblings and I with various doctors. I wasn't expecting that my siblings would involve me in decision-making regarding her health since we weren't raised together, but D always told us, "You're brothers and sisters." It must have stuck with us, because for the first time, I felt included.
I took on a role of silent support. I only gave my opinion in terms of what should be done medically when asked by my siblings or when I felt a certain treatment would not work. Otherwise, I tried to tend to my younger siblings, as they were the ones she raised and needed the most support.
She passed away on October 25, 2017.
Once things were all said and done, I had time to process things. It was the most confusing time I've ever experienced. On one hand, I was regretful and felt guilty about all of the years I closed D out. On the other hand, I was grateful for the last time we spent together and how my siblings rallied around me in a time where I expected the complete opposite.
It was hard to openly vent to people about how I truly felt about her passing. I had my parents of course, and my boyfriend and my sister were amazing. But at night with my own thoughts, I felt alone. I realized that in this instance, I'd have to do some deep soul searching, rely heavily on God, and truly heal myself.
I spent a lot of time thinking about D not as my birth mother, but as a woman.
How hard it must have been for her to pass me along to another caretaker and watch me flourish while trying to figure out where or if she belonged in my life. How perplexing it must have been at times for her to try and enforce relationships between her children when she didn't necessarily have that authority to do so, but knew that it needed to be done. She, like me, was just as confused trying to navigate this modern family that was created.
It was agonizing some nights. But I eventually found peace knowing that her love for me was magnified by 1,000 by her choice to give me not one, but two chances at life when she gave me to my amazing mom.
My mom used to always tell me, "One day you'll love her as much as I do because she loved you enough to give me you."
That day came.
Featured image by Giphy
Brenda Alexander is a West Philly native with a love of the 3 W's: writing, wine and Whitney Houston. When she's not working or overanalyzing life, you can catch her praising Jesus with a bomb Gospel playlist or annoying those who love her as she listens to Christmas music all year round (her fascination with the holiday even produced a Christmas book). Her work has been featured on Mayvenn's Real Beautiful blog and CurlyNikki . Follow her excursions via Instagram @trulybrenda_
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
Traveling This Summer? These 10 Layover Hacks Will Get You Through.
With the current administration that we have, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that summer travel is in a bit of a slump this year. Still, that doesn’t mean that many folks aren’t going on some kind of trip that requires air travel, and, in order to keep a few extra bucks in their pocket, they are avoiding direct flights. Instead, they are booking ones that require some sort of a layover.
Layover. Although it isn’t exactly “music to our ears” whenever we hear the word, it doesn’t have to be a tremendous burden if you know some tricks of the trade that will make a layover more bearable. Luckily, I’ve got 10 that could actually make this your best year for summer travel yet, y’all!
10 Layover Travel Tips You’ll Be Glad You Know
1. Research Best Layover Airports (Yes, There Is Such a Thing)
If while planning your trip, if it looks like a layover is going to be more than 90 minutes, it never hurts to research the airports that are the most user-friendly as far as layovers are concerned. From what I can see, several studies reveal that George Bush Intercontinental Airport (Houston, Texas) gets a lot of props, thanks to the food options and the amount of frequent flyer miles that you can stack up.
Some other airports that top the list include Detroit Metropolitan Airport, Seattle–Tacoma International Airport and Denver International Airport. If you want to save money on your travel by having a layover, purposely landing in these cities can make the wait much more pleasurable for you.
2. Download Your Airline’s App
Whatever airline you plan on flying on, make sure to download its app before heading to the airport. There are many reasons why this is a solid hack including the fact that:
1) you can check-in and get a mobile boarding pass; 2) you can get real-time travel updates; 3) you can utilize the entertainment options that they have (including the airline’s Wi-Fi); 4) you can see how to best navigate through various airports; 5) you can easily contact their customer service support; 6) you can oftentimes track your checked baggage, and 7) some apps (like Delta) can even help you to store where you parked your car (if you put it in long-term parking) in your smartphone, so that you can easily find it upon your return.
3. Also Download Your Entertainment Beforehand
If you happen to be on a flight that either doesn’t have Wi-Fi or charges for it, you can still enjoy your movies ‘n stuff by downloading them before you leave. This can also come in handy at the airport when their internet access is running hella slow because so many people are accessing it.
4. Choose a (Layover) City Where You Have a Friend
Although I don’t hate to fly, I wouldn’t exactly say that it’s my favorite thing to do. And so, back when I used to fly to South Africa to see some family, it was common for me to stop over in London for a couple of days because it’s the halfway mark for me — and seven hours on a plane is a lot easier to endure than a whopping 14.
That said, if you’re planning on an international trip, you’re not the biggest fan of flying yourself or, again, you want to save a few coins by booking a flight that has a layover or two — why not use this as an opportunity to hang out with a family member or friend in another city? That way, you can get a break from air travel and get in some quality time with them as well.
5. Pack Some of Your Own Snacks
If you’ve ever wondered why airport food is so damn expensive, one of the main reasons is how much it costs for each restaurant to rent their space is completely insane. Plus, there are things like vendors, commission costs and all kinds of other “blah, blahs” that make the mark-ups so crazy. That’s why it can never hurt to bring some snacks along — non-liquid items that you can pack in your carry-on that will get you through your layovers without you breaking the bank in the process.
6. Put an Empty Recyclable Bottle in Your Carry On
Since a lot of airports have water refills stations available, you can stay hydrated while also keeping coins in your pocket by packing an EMPTY recyclable bottle in your carry-on too. Most TSAs will totally allow it. As far as refills on actual drinks, some airports allow those as well (after you purchase one drink from them, of course); never assume, though. Ask before making the purchase.
7. Have a Portable Charger in Tow
Maybe it’s just me but, even though airports seem to be filled with charging stations all over the place, it’s like only half of them actually work (and I’m being gracious on that!). That’s why it’s also a good idea to invest in a portable charger. I don’t know what took me so freakin’ long to get myself one; however, it’s basically my BFF at this point.
The one that I will cosign on is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W Max Fast Portable Charger. It charges pretty fast and I’ve been able to get about three full charges on my smartphone before needing to charge the portable one all over again. Such a lifesaver!
8. Get Some Lounge Access
If almost everything about airports gets on your very last nerve, you definitely need to get some airport lounge access. It’s quiet(er); you have lots of room to stretch out; the food and drink that they have to offer is typically free; many lounges have spaces that are designed and designated for children; there are convenient work stations, and some even feature spas and showers (I know, right?).
And just how do you get your hands on all of this? You can do so by flying first or business class, using your frequent flyer miles, presenting your military ID or purchasing a membership or even a day pass access into your airline’s lounge.
9. Cop Some Duty-Free Samples
If you are going on an international flight, make sure to take advantage of the duty-free shops, not just because you are usually able to purchase items from there without paying local taxes but they oftentimes have free samples that you can stock up on as well; this is especially the case when it comes to beauty-related items.
10. Stay over a Night
Since a fair share of my friends are in the entertainment world, they tend to travel a lot. What is always funny to me is how most of them talk about flying to almost every city in the country while only actually visiting a handful of them. My point here? If you are headed one place and you decide to not have a direct flight, if the city where you are having your layover is one that you’ve always been interested in, stay over a night or even two.
You can find some hacks for how to find cheap hotel rooms by checking out “Hot to Get Cheap Hotel Rooms: 20 Tips and Tricks” on Travel Mums’ site.
BONUS: Get an Exit Row Seat
If one of the things that you hate about changing planes is how uncomfortable the flights can be, space wise, ask to be put in an exit row seat. You will automatically have so much more room without having to pay what first class passengers do. Brilliant. Happy (and safe) travels!
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