Even though I’m nowhere close to being old, I’m not incredibly young anymore, either. What this boils down to is, over the span of time that I’ve been on this planet, I have definitely seen some things that make it pretty hard to totally catch me off guard — especially when it comes to Black women and what we are fully capable of in the beauty department. Oh, but when I tell you I had to do a few triple-checks on this post right here? Y’ALL.
Okay, did you peep the text? 60. Umm...60?! Y’ALL. I know we say that “Black don’t crack” ‘n all, however, this is taking things to an entirely different level. And even though I’ve been on-10 about my skin, even before this woman had me damn near mesmerized, I won’t lie — she further confirmed to me why it’s so important to be hypervigilant and super proactive when it comes to consistent and effective skincare. And as of this year, for me, that includes implementing at-home chemical peels.
If you’ve never considered getting a chemical peel before, let alone giving your own self one, stay tuned. I’m gonna touch on all of the things you’re (probably) curious about in order to put your mind at ease so that your skin can be at least half as amazing as this woman’s skin is (lawd!).
What Is a Chemical Peel?
Okay, so let’s start at the beginning. A chemical peel is a process that consists of applying certain acids to your face that will help to remove certain layers of your skin (depending on what kind of acids you use and what concentration you apply) in order to remove dead skin cells, seriously clear out your pores, get rid of hyperpigmentation (over time), soften the appearance of acne marks/scars, fine lines and wrinkles and give your skin a fresh, youthful and glowing look.
For the most part, chemical peels are broken down into three different types:
Light (lunchtime) peel: This peel removes the very top layers of your skin, can be done from the comfort and convenience of your own home, oftentimes consists of very little (if any) skin shedding, and requires no downtime. It’s also relatively painless.
Medium peel: Here, both the upper and middle layers of your skin are removed. People with age spots, acne scarring, severe hyperpigmentation, and somewhat prominent wrinkles may opt for this one. It takes around a week for your skin to fully recover; there is some shedding, and yes, some downtime is required. This kicks the discomfort up a couple of notches (because the acid is stronger).
Deep peel: If you’ve got the kind of acne marks that leave pits or indentations in your skin, there are a good amount of wrinkles and crow’s feet hanging around, or you want a really drastic change in how your skin looks and feels, this is the type of peel that can make that happen for you. Now, this one is where the big kids play. In fact, some professionals will prep your skin for up to eight weeks before even applying this type of peel. The shedding is so extreme that it just might freak you out, and you’re absolutely gonna need to settle in for some downtime. In fact, you may be given some pain medication to handle this one.
As far as the kind of acids that are used in chemical peels, one of the following (or a combination of them) is customary:
- Glycolic acid
- Trichloroacetic acid
- Salicylic acid
- Lactic acid
- Phenol
If you were to do these at home, you can buy them at different concentration levels. For instance, the company that I have quickly become a fan of is Perfect Image. They’ve got peels and peel pads in different chemical forms and concentration levels from 10-50 percent so that you can ease into what works best for you and possibly “build up resistance” (to the chemical levels over time).
If there’s a part of you, that’s skeptical because of your complexion (because there are some people who are haters of brown and Black skin using chemical peels) — that’s part of the reason why I enclosed all of the videos in this article; it’s to provide you with proof that yes, we can use chemical peels, just like everyone else. The main thing to keep in mind is that if you’re going to get a professional chemical peel, you should go to a dermatologist or esthetician who actually specializes in melanated skin.
You should also watch videos like the one here via Destiny Lashae Makeup's YouTube channel. It’s an almost 24-minute video that walks you all the way through a deep chemical peeling process so that you know just about all that you would be getting yourself into with that type of peel.
This brings me to my next point about chemical peels.
Why You Should Let a Professional Do a Certain Kind of Them
This brings me to my next point about chemical peels.
If you watched the video that I just mentioned or even the one featured in that section, you can tell that deep (and sometimes even medium) chemical peels ain’t nothin’ to play with on your own. For starters, the process consists of more than just slapping some acid on your face and going about your merry way. A professional has to study your skin to see what chemicals would work best for you; there are other products that need to complement the peel and the downtime…yeah, the downtime.
Plus, you need self-control times a billion to let the peel fully do its process because, if you pick at the peel prematurely, that can be counterproductive as hell in the sense that it could lead to infection, hyperpigmentation, or even permanent scarring.
And if you’re wondering what a professional chemical peel would run you…yeah, that part. Let’s just say that it’s not the cheapest thing on the planet. The average (because some are much lower and some go into the thousands) is somewhere around five hundred bucks for a really thorough deep peel. The good news about that is oftentimes, you only have to go once for one of those. And that price tag is certainly not the only option. My waxer is also an aesthetician, and her chemical peels are around $150 per session.
If all of this is still too deep for your pockets (trust me, I totally get it), another option is to do what I do: my own chemical peels at home.
The Pros of Doing Chemical Peels at Home
Due to the fact that I am a reformed product junkie, I actually don’t mind experimenting a bit with my skin and hair. So, as I was seeing at-home chemical peels pop up in my YouTube algorithm a while back, I took that as a clear sign that I needed to give one a try. I’ll be honest, I probably should’ve gone with something that was 10 percent concentrate first, yet, for the cost, I decided that I would give 30 percent a shot.
I first went with the lactic acid peel, mostly because I already knew that it was an alpha hydroxy acid that is effective at removing dead skin cells (my skin can get pretty dull if I’m not careful) and lightening dark spots. Lately, though, I’ve been playing around with a pineapple pumpkin enzyme peel because the brand that I use combines lactic and glycolic acid (it’s great at treating acne, acne scars, and getting rid of dark patches along with removing dead skin cells too); plus, pineapple is loaded with vitamin C and can help to brighten your complexion while pumpkin contains vitamin E and is an awesome skin hydrator.
Anyway, since using both these peels, here are the “pros” that I have noticed:
- Not a ton of skin-prepping is required (although you need to thoroughly read and follow the instructions of whatever product you decide to use).
- The peels are easy to apply.
- The stinging (at 30 percent, not 10) is quite manageable (although you do feel it).
- Cool water can typically “deactivate” the peel (although adding baking soda to the water is super effective).
- My skin immediately looks and feels smoother and “tighter.”
- I only get period pimples for the most part, and those have decreased, significantly so.
- Any unevenness is fading.
- Other skin products glide on so much easier.
- My pores appear smaller.
- I can use the peel 2-3 times a week (be careful to build up to that level of tolerance).
- My skin glows (also almost immediately after use) like it’s radiant.
- My skin does not shed (although there can be minimal amounts based on higher concentrations).
- I have virtually no sebum plugs (at least that I can feel or see).
Yeah, I ain’t got no lies to tell you — as far as skincare moves are concerned, applying LIGHT at-home chemical peels has been one of the best decisions that I have EVER made.
No exaggeration; especially when it comes to the price (the bottles that I get are designed to last me for around 20 peels at less than 30 dollars a bottle).
Now, that doesn’t mean that the path to all of what I just mentioned has always been smooth…
The Cons of Doing Chemical Peels at Home
Right now, as we speak, I’ve got a burn scar on the left side of my mouth that is still healing (as far as hyperpigmentation goes). How the heck did it get there? Because I didn’t follow parts of the advice that I’m giving you. Because a part of what affects the impact and effectiveness of a chemical peel is not just the concentration of the acid but how long you leave it on your skin — when I first tried the enzyme one, I thought I was big and bad, and so I left it on, at 30 percent, for five minutes…the first attempt. I caused a minor skin burn. Then, when it started to come off, I thought it was a skin peel and not a burn, and that resulted in a scar. SMDH.
All of this was totally my fault. Still, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t give you a heads up on a few things on the potential “cons” side of chemical peels:
- Even if you read the instructions, there is some trial and error involved.
- Because you’re winging it on your own, you might discover the hard way which kinds of acids actually work in your favor and which ones…don’t.
- Sometimes, it can be hard to know the difference between the kind of stinging that’s working for you (“eating up” the dead skin cells) vs. working against you (actually burning your skin).
- If you’re not careful, you could end up with some post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation from mild scabs or burns that can take quite a bit of time to heal.
- The results are not nearly as drastic as medium and deep chemical peels (although how many layers you apply and how long you leave a light peel on will determine things like dryness and peeling).
- There can be some temporary itchiness following applying the peel for a couple of days that will lead to mild scarring if you scratch.
- You need to apply the peels consistently for the best results (one-and-done is futile).
Aside from those seven points, you also may go through a bit of skin purging, which isn’t a whole lot of fun. Since chemical peels are basically detoxing your skin, it’s not uncommon for your face (or wherever you’re applying the peel) to first look magnificent and then, after a couple of weeks, to have some breakouts due to the toxins and bacteria that are rising to the surface. Indeed, it does take a bit of patience to get through that process (especially if you keep starting and stopping the peels), yet I’m a living testament to the fact that it will pass, and the skin that you get on the backside will make it all well worth the time, effort and energy.
_____
Hopefully, I explained chemical peels enough to where, if you are considering a professional one or going the DIY route, you know what you’re getting yourself into. Like I already said, I am a fan and wish I had known about them sooner. Few things have blessed my skin more, y’all. And I totally mean that.
Now, let me go apply my peel for the day. Yay! It’s time.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Everything You Need To Know About Embodying Black Cat Energy In Relationships
Black cat energy is all the hype right now. It’s heralded as a key to a thriving love life that centers you as the prize, particularly to the golden retriever type of lover.
If you consider yourself mysterious, smart, playful, and highly selective of who you give your affection to, then you’re already exuding what TikTokers have coined as “black cat energy.” Or maybe you’re struggling with the mindboggling loop of dating the wrong lovers that make you feel like you’re chasing after them, and you want to learn how to flip the roles to make bae obsessed with you.
Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
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Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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