Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about someone who once told me that they had an annual week-long summer rendezvous that lasted for over 15 years with someone else. Yep — this individual would meet up with another person who lived in a different state, solely to have sex for a week straight, and then return to their city as if nothing ever happened. According to them, the only reason why this ritual romp eventually came to an end is because the other person decided to get serious about someone else; however, it wasn't until it ended that the person who told me the story realized how attached they actually had become to their sex partner (a cautionary tale). After I completed my lil' tale, my friend simply said, "Oh, I do that s — t every cuffing season. There are some people who I only talk to around this time of year, we f — k around and then that's that until the season comes around again."
Interesting. I mean, it's not like we don't all know what cuffing season is about at this point. By definition, it consists of linking up with someone (or a few individuals), for short-term partnerships (if you want to call them "partnerships"), in order to get through the bitter cold that is well on its way. Still, I can't help but to think that cuffing season has become such a big part of our culture these days, that when someone comes back into our life, solely and only for that purpose, that we may not be thinking things all the way through — that we may not be actually pondering if it truly is a good thing or if it's potentially a total waste of time or…even the beckoning of a potential unforeseen heartbreak. Or, if it could be blocking what really has the potential to be something more.
That's why I wanted to write about this. If, like clockwork, there are one or a few folks who like to pop up in the name of dear ole' cuffing season and you're just not sure if that's something that you want to put your precious energy into this year, I've got a few points for you to reflect on. Ones that will hopefully help you to make the decision that is ultimately best — for you.
Remember, Cuffing Season ALWAYS Has an Agenda
An author by the name of Lauren Weisberger once said, "Focus on yourself — do what you want, when you want, without having to consider anyone else's agenda." Agendas are interesting because, while it simply means having a list of things to do, if there is someone who ONLY hits you up around this time of year, the thing to keep in mind is that you're "something to do"…only right now. What I mean by that is, I'm a firm believer that we make time for what's important — that "being busy" is a kinda nice way of saying, "You're not a priority to me right now." So, if that guy has made the time to reach back out to you now yet hasn't any other time in the year, it's not really about your needs; it's all about his wants.
I don't care how he finesses it, romanticizes it or spins it — ole' boy could've just as easily hit you up in June as he did in September or October. So, if there is a large part of you that's considering letting him back in (pun intended and not intended at the same time), please keep in the forefront of your mind that there is definitely an agenda attached — and building something solid, I'm 89.9 percent sure, has very little to do with it.
Are You Horny, Lonely or Just…Bored?
So, what if you read all of what I just said and you're like, "I hear you. I'm still gonna answer his text, though." OK, then my follow-up point would be, "why?". So much is always revealed in the why of what we do what we do. Are you going to entertain this guy because you're horny? And if that's the case, were you not horny a couple of months ago or sometime even before that? What did you do to "ease your cravings" then? And why can't whatever-it-is-that-you-did work now?
Or maybe you didn't find a way to "scratch your itch" because you knew that fall would be rolling around, soon enough, and "he" is the one you wanted to, umm, spend your time with. If that's the case, it's important to also remember that cuffing season tends to be more about achieving physical goals than emotional ones. So, if getting back involved with him is about getting some and getting through the loneliness of the holiday season, don't forget that this is all a temporary fix; that he's gonna ease on out just as easily as he eased back in because, for him, it's not about him feeling lonely too. More times than not, it's probably about him wanting to link back up with someone who is more dependable instead of having to go through the trouble of having to find someone new. In other words, it's about you being less work than anything else.
And if it's because you're bored, I get that too. I used to do all kinds of bullshishery back in the day in the name of boredom. To that, I'll just say this — sex always comes with a certain amount of risk. STD risk. Pregnancy risk. Unnecessary drama and/or heartache risk. Hell, even if the "cuffing" that you're considering has nothing to do with copulation (make sure he knows that on the front end, by the way), like I say often when I publicly speak, "There is no condom for your heart." Countless nights being on the phone for hours on end, being booed up on the couch watching throwback Black movies, cooking together, hanging out, kissing and spooning — whatever it is that you want to do — that still cultivates a bond and cuffing season has a short shelf life.
So again, before moving full speed ahead, it's also a good idea to figure out the WHY behind what you are contemplating getting back into the cycle…again.
When’s the Last Time Your “Past” was in Your “Present”?
A motto that I personally live by is "life is meant to be lived in lines, not circles." In other words, have you ever watched a hamster, running nonstop, in his/her's cage before? Sigh. All of that work and getting absolutely nowhere. That said, something that amazes me about cuffing season is very few things that center around cyclic behavior gets the kind of praise that it does. Imagine going to a job once a year that never promotes you. Imagine getting back involved with a toxic friend, simply for old time's sake, once a year. Imagine returning to a habit that has proven to only temporarily please you and oftentimes comes to some unpredictable consequences, once a year. And yet, how is cuffing season any better than this? Especially when you're considering sharing it with someone you've already done all of it with before? In your past.
If you're someone who lives by "the past is the past" in virtually every area of your life, then a former cuffing season partner is probably not going to serve your best interest. At the very least, how about finding a new boo thang this year? And if what you're about to say is, we're getting down to the wire, so how can that happen? That brings me to my next point.
What’s the Better Alternative? (If You Think Hard, There Is One)
I've got a divorced client that I work with who, quite frankly, makes some of the dumbest relationship decisions that I've ever seen. It's mostly because he gets involved with women who he's barely even interested in, wastes months at a time, ends it and then after a few months have gone by, he finds a way to justify getting back involved with them again…only to "rinse and repeat" the same pattern — and then complain about it. Goodness, y'all, there are far too many people out here in the world who you've never met before to be out here settling for what's familiar, just for familiarity's sake.
While it can't be stressed enough that if you like all that cuffing season has to offer, you are grown and should go with it; if you know that deep down it is something that you constantly settle for — what alternatives are there? How about taking a trip to see some friends who are out of town? How about setting up an online dating profile? How about going on the blind date that some of your peeps have been trying to get you to go on for the past two cuffing seasons (at least)? How about going out with that guy who you keep saying isn't "your type" but you can't seem to get off of your mind? How about asking the guy out who you've been waiting to ask you out (I mean, y'all say you hate the patriarchy, so what's the problem? Check out "What A Man Should Expect If YOU Ask HIM Out?")?
While cuffing season doesn't really rock my spirit one way or another, I will say that sometimes, always going for what's predictable and routine can hinder the newness that is trying to come into your life — if you would simply open yourself, your schedule and your life overall to doing something different (or differently). If deep down, you know that you're only considering cuffing season because it's what you're used to, at least jot down some other things that you could be doing instead. Your impromptu list just might surprise you — and proof to be better off if you follow through on it.
Never Forget: This Too Shall Pass
OK, so technically, as far as cuffing season goes, September is the beginning of "recruiting season". We're already in October. From what I've been told, the "championship games" end on Valentine's Day (chile). My point is this — if there's any time of the year that seems to fly by, it's cuffing season, mostly because the holidays transpire around this time too. This means that if you are a little bit tempted to give in to ole' boy, between Hallmark movies, holiday parties, days off and hanging out with friends and family members, it can be easier to avoid DMs, texts and midnight calls. Then, before you look up, it'll be late February and he'll be on to doing…whatever he was doing when he wasn't hitting you up (I know that's an "ouch"; I said it for a reason).
Believe you me, I know what it's like to have a blast-from-the-past-who-hit-THAT-spot ring your bell. I also know what it's like to feel pretty empowered after telling him, "Nah. I think I'm good" because here's the other thing to remember about cuffing season — guys from the past hit up people who they are pretty certain that they can do what they've always done to get what they want. Sometimes, it can do them some good to throw a wrench or two into their plans. And by "plans", what I mean is EGO.
Cuffing season is here and in full effect — no doubt about it. If the spirit is willing (to pass on it) but the flesh is weak, just remember that, as with all things in life, this too shall pass. Sooner than later in this case. He won't text forever. Just until he gets that you're not down. This means that this ho-hum ritual can end immediately or…eventually. It's totally up to you. Just remember your power. Either way. Whether you choose to get "cuffed up" or…not.
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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While there's always an element of gloom and doom in the news when it comes to employment and the job search, it's not all bad out in these career streets. Some jobs will not only be in demand in 2025, but they'll be paying even higher salaries.
In fact, Mercer, a human resources and financial services firm released a few very optimistic insights in a recent report. Companies are set to increase compensation budgets by 3.3% for merit increases and 3.7% for total salary increases for non-unionized employees in 2025, despite economic uncertainty. They’re also “prioritizing talent investment, with 69% expressing confidence in their compensation budget projections, and plan to promote 9.3% of employees in 2025.”
If you're looking to change careers or even figure out your next move in your current one, you'll want to look into these jobs, per the experts, that are set to see pay increases next year, allowing you to make that vision board a reality:
1. Human Resources (“People” or “Talent”) Manager
Average salary: $137,212, or more with specialty, experience, and advanced degree
According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the human resource manager's role is expected to see a 6% uptake in demand over the next 10 years—faster than the average job growth rate.
In this role, you oversee senior levels of strategic talent management and recruitment—from handling complaints and bridging the gap between management and their teams to managing learning and development, among other duties.
2. Renewable Energy Project Manager
Average Salary: $95,206, a bachelor's degree in engineering or related subjects, with more salary for advanced degree
Energy firms and corporations are among those reporting the highest planned overall salary increases in 2025.
In this role, you’ll be in charge of projects centered on renewable energy projects, such as solar and wind farms. You’ll handle budgets, progress reports, site investigations, and feasibility studies.
3. Digital Marketing Manager
Average Salary: $126,704 or more with bachelor's degree and/or practical experience showcasing successful projects
Communications is another industry set to offer the highest salary raises next year. As a digital marketing manager, you'll have hands-on experience and must have a knack for leveraging digital platforms to promote products, services, or brands. You’ll work with a range of niche digital media, including social media, email, online advertising, and content creation. You'll also manage teams to meet client and campaign deliverables to target and engage with audiences and customers.
4. Insurance Actuary
Average Salary: $135, 203, with a bachelor's degree in actuary science, accounting or related, with more for experience, advanced degree
While AI is impacting the insurance industry, experts are predicting that experienced and detail-oriented actuaries will still be in high demand in 2025. For this role, you’ll need to have the perfect knowledge mix of math, statistics, tech, and business modeling when making strategic decision-making. When it comes to insurance, you’ll decide the risk of potential events, and help businesses develop policies that minimize the cost of a risk.
5. Cybersecurity Engineer
Average Salary: $122,890, bachelor's degree in computer science or related field, and more with advanced degree
Tech is an industry also expected to have high instances of salary increases next year, and cybersecurity is apparently booming. You’ll be in charge of coming up with the networks that protect against cyberattacks, cybersecurity procedures for a brand or company, and the monitoring and testing systems to keep them up to date.
6. Psychiatric Nurse Practioner
Average Salary: $153,643, bachelor’s in nursing and master’s, with more for DNP (Doctor of Nursing Practice)
This specialty is the “fastest-growing choice” among nurse practitioner students, and the job remains in high demand even with the high volume of supply for the role due to the increased need and prevalence of mental health issues in the U.S. In this role, you’ll lead in individualized treatment plans, prescribing medications (DNP), providing psychotherapy, and implementing behavioral interventions (DNP).
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