Tick Tock: How To Get Over The Fear Of Your Biological Clock
It really is kind of crazy, the things we seem to insist only learning, only by hindsight. Even though I've always been told that I would be a good mom and I've consistently had a special connection with kids (including ones I don't even know running up to me or literally clapping for me in random places like the mall), at almost 45, I think I've made peace with not having any. Or, at least not giving birth to any.
It's not for the reason that you probably think either. As a doula, I know that women are having healthy children in their 40s and even 50s. But when I look back over my past choices (including four abortions and opting to not aggressively pursue dating or to even be sexually-active in my 30s), there's a part of me that wonders if I ever wanted to be a mom. I can't help but think that it was more about subscribing to the thought I should simply because, well, that's what people with a female reproductive system are supposed to do…right?
Every 21st of the month, around noon, my period begins. The blood is bright red. There's no pain or clotting. Eggs are still dropping. Maybe once all of this stops, I'll start to freak out. But for now, if there is one word that I can use to describe how I feel, it's "peaceful." Truly peaceful. About being a 40-something single woman who can have children but doesn't have any.
If you're approaching 35, you just read all of that and you can't even remotely relate because on your Top 5 list of life accomplishments, becoming a mother is on it and so right now, you're not even close to being peaceful about your situation, I'm hoping that I can provide you with a little bit of reassurance that you and your biological clock can live in harmony; that not being a mommy (yet) isn't something that should totally consume you. Not at all.
Do Your Research
There used to be a time when if a woman was 35 or over and she wanted to get pregnant, her physician would give her major side-eye. "Geriatric pregnancy" was a term she didn't want to hear. But you know what? Most of the women I personally know had children in their late 30s and 40s. A couple of years ago, I was the doula for a 42-year-old mom. My godchild's mom is going to have her second daughter this summer and she's 37. One of my closest friends will be 60 when her daughter is 18.
These aren't random "freaks" of nature either. Articles like "Forty (or Close) is the New 20 for Having Babies" and "Why More Women Are Having Babies at 50 and Beyond" are also evidence that motherhood ain't just for those in their 20s.
That's not to say it's all smooth sailing. Reportedly, 30 percent of women between 40-44 have severe fertility issues, women over 40 tend to have more miscarriages, and after 45, having a baby with your own eggs is…very challenging.
But these are stats and each person's body is different. I'm just saying that you shouldn't assume that just because you're in your 30's or more and not a mom that you can't become pregnant up the road. Women are boldly proving that we can, so do your own research. The info you find just might surprise you in a positive kind of way.
See Your Doctor (Regularly)
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What I said about me and my menstrual cycle wasn't meant to be TMI. I said it for a specific purpose. Knowing the signs of a healthy vs. unhealthy period can reveal a lot about what's going on with you, fertility-wise. If you have intense cramping, big and/or lots of clots, irregular periods, heavy bleeding (especially after the first day), very long or very short cycles, diarrhea and/or vomiting during your period or bleeding in between your periods, you need to speak with your doctor asap (it's also important to get an annual physical too).
Other things that can affect fertility include obesity, smoking, alcohol, too much caffeine, working out more than seven hours each week, Depo-Provera, thyroid issues, and stress.
I'm sharing all of this simply because there are some women who, once they do decide to get pregnant, have a difficult time not because of their age but due to their lifestyle. The better care you take care of yourself, the greater your chances will be of conceiving, even later on in life.
Check Your Motives
I've got a friend who is only a year older than I am. However, his mother is almost 20 years older than mine. What he is currently going through, I would be freaking out if I had to do it all. His mother is almost 90 years old and he's been the one who's had to worry about medical bills, insurance, and basically providing for her for…shoot, as long as I can remember.
Honestly, watching him is a part of the reason why I think I'm good on having a baby at this season of my life. I'm only speaking for myself when I say this, but I'm not just thinking about me and a little one over the next few years but what the quality of their life will be like as a young adult with a senior parent as well.
My point? Healthy parenting is synonymous with selflessness. It's beneficial to not only want a child "just because you want to" or "because all of your friends have one" but because there are some deeper reasons and advantages—for you and your baby—long-term.
Once your baby arrives, it's going to remind you on a daily basis that having them around isn't just about you. Make sure your motive for wanting one isn't just about you either.
Be Open-Minded
There's a couple I know who've been having pretty significant fertility issues throughout their entire marriage. They're both in their 40s now. Whenever I mention adoption, while the wife seems pretty open, the husband is firm on "I want my own child." Years later, they still wait. With no child.
I get the whole wanting a baby that's the product of you and your partner. I also get wanting to preserve your (bloodline) legacy. But if there's one thing that gets my complete and total respect, it's people who choose to adopt (by the way, one of the best adoption stories I've ever heard is called "Chloe"; the universe is something!). It's truly love and selflessness personified.
And you know what? Hill Harper, T-Boz, Viola Davis, Jamie Foxx, Patti LaBelle, Keyshia Cole, Nelson Mandela, and Tommy Davidson are just some of the Black celebrities who can vouch for the beauty in adoption—either because they were adopted or they adopted a child themselves.
Life has a funny way of giving us what we need far more often than giving us what we want (or think we want at the time). If you really want to be a parent and you don't mind how your child comes your way, this alone should take some of the pressure off. You don't need eggs to adopt a baby. Just sayin'.
Trust the Process
A quote that gives me chills every time I read it is by a Pastor John Piper—"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of 3 of them." As far as it relates to conceiving a child, just because it looks to you like nothing is happening, that doesn't automatically make it true. If you want to be married before having a baby, who knows how close you are to running into your husband. If you're over 35 and a couple of miscarriages have already happened, the third time may literally be the charm (my godchild's mom was pregnant twice last year; one was a miscarriage and her next baby is due in June).
If there's one thing that is guaranteed to work against your ability to get pregnant (and oftentimes a relationship too), it's stress (check out "Can't Get Pregnant? How Stress May Be Causing Your Infertility"). If the Most High is in agreement that you should be a parent, things will happen how and when they should. No relationship, no reproductive system, and certainly no biological clock will get in the way. Do your mind, body, and spirit a favor and rest in that. It's the truth.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Michelle Obama Gets Candid About Infertility & Gives Us The Ultimate Marriage Advice - Read More
Tracee Ellis Ross Talks Being Single Over 40 & Childless - Read More
Everything You Need To Know About Freezing Your Eggs - Read More
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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