

"The space that stands between you and your dreams is called self-discipline."
It's a saying too many of us can relate to. Our minds are teeming with all these crazy big dreams that are so easy to dream. Yet, when it comes to actually putting in the work to turn them into reality, it's something that we fail to do. Including—no, mostly, me.
I often hear my circle describe me as a woman of ambition that manages to reach the top of every mountain that she decides to climb. Although I'd love for this painting of me to be real, I must admit that these are in fact misinterpreted facts. I did accomplish pretty big things, that's true. But you know, for all the dreams of mine that I managed to fulfill throughout my life, I couldn't tell you how many other perfectly planned and visualized ideas and projects I have allowed to die between the pages of my journals.
Why? Easy. The lack of self-discipline.
At the beginning, the motivation to start is 100 percent there, but as far as staying consistent and having enough patience to wait for real results to show? It's easy to get discouraged and switch my focus on a short-term goal that'll provide me with instant gratification instead. I know that I'm not the only one to feel this way. But one thing I know, sisters, is that we want to stop doing that. We want to stop giving up on our crazy ideas and desires and start pursuing them relentlessly so we can finally live a life of abundance.
Recently, I had the opportunity to have inspiring conversations with successful women of color who, to me, perfectly embody the principle of self-discipline and ask them about their learning process, what self-discipline means to them, and how they're implementing it in their lives.
One thing I've learned throughout my journey through entrepreneurship is that if I don't rely on my calendar, it makes things scattered for me; my calendar is everything that my day can consist of. I believe I've come to the realization that my calendar was my most powerful ally after the third year of entrepreneurship.
I reached a point where I was just burnt out because I thought that I could replace my 9-5 within my first year of entrepreneurship—that was a very unrealistic goal.
But I was convinced that if I worked hard enough, I could make the same income in so little time. When that didn't happen, I blamed myself. I wasn't even close to it and I thought the reason why was because I didn't work hard enough. So, for the next two years, I worked around the clock and was putting in the hours.
Being in my third year of entrepreneurship now, I realize that it was unhealthy to have set myself such a goal for it made me feel unhappy. I had to face the fact that I was doing something wrong and this is when the process of me really analyzing how I'm spending my time started.
Now my rule is, during the time slots that I have parked out for specific activities, I do not allow myself to veer away from them. Even my family, friends and staff know that unless it's an emergency, they can't just pop up and call me in the middle of the day. I probably won't answer anyway because if I do, I'll want to pour into them and it means that the things I should be doing will be on pause.
To me, self-discipline really is the chemistry between your soul and your mind. In many instances, you may have an inkling of something that you want to do but self-discipline is when you have to dig down in your soul to actually make it happen. And once you operate in a space of self-discipline, you walk a little taller. You hold your head high, you have a different posture because you know what you're capable of.
To the question what does it require from me, I would say listening to my soul on a consistent basis. Listening to the things that make me happy.
Staying true to ourselves and remaining consistent in looking for the things that make us happy is important. Those are the gifts that will make room for us. I also do think that due diligence is mandatory. When you think of the things that you want to accomplish, it's necessary that you commit to them. You can't just be halfway putting in the work here and there—that is also where consistency comes in and plays a huge role.
I was raised by a single mom, parenting two daughters. She has three degrees and her own business. Seeing how hard my mom works has truly been impactful in my own life and I grew to understand and appreciate this trait of her personality.
My process to learning self-discipline involves three things: 1) Knowing what I want. I find it hard to be disciplined with anything if I didn't initially spend the time visualizing or understanding what my goal or desired outcome was in the first place. 2) Being my biggest fan. The hard reality of pursuing your goal is that you won't always have the support that you need. Luckily, I do have a strong core group of close friends who cheer me on. However, I don't always depend on them because I know how important it is to be my biggest fan. 3) Some serious self-awareness. Self-awareness is crucial. You have to know yourself and be willing to be real with yourself.
I am always quick to call myself out and then establish a new boundary with myself, for myself. If I had a lazy week, I have to be upfront about it. If my body and mind simply need a day to unplug, I honor that as well. Because I was once lazy, I also have to identify if it is rest or laziness approaching me. It gets easier differentiating the two over time, but ultimately you have to keep listening to your needs and be real with yourself.
Moment of transparency, it's still taking me time to adapt to this change of lifestyle but what keeps me motivated is to remember that nobody is going to do it for me. I often tell myself this when laziness tries to creep up around the corner. When writing my book Breaking up with the Bad Girl, I was able to hire an editor, but I had to muster up the self-discipline to write my book in the first place.
Even though some days I only get a quarter of the tasks on my list accomplished whereas I could've crossed off every one of them, I've learned to accept that when I'm patient and gracious with myself, it makes self-discipline more enjoyable.
Self-discipline has improved the quality of my life in many ways. One of those ways is my belief in myself. When my discipline allows me to accomplish a goal, it is proof that it can be done again for another goal. It has always enhanced the love I have for myself. I understand who I am to the core, and what I bring to the table. Moreover, as a believer, it's important to me to be self-disciplined for not only am I honoring myself, but I'm also honoring God; "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:14-26).
Leticia Marie Gardner
Courtesy of Leticia Marie Gardner (left) & lovely daughter (right)
Founder of Total Body 21
As a woman, wife, mother of two incredible girls, and fitness brand owner, I have a lot of things going on and there isn't a part of it all that doesn't require self-discipline. Especially when we only have 24 hours in a day. Whether it is loving my husband, looking after my daughters who are on two completely different schedules and demand two very different types of attention, working out, or managing my online boutique… it all requires focus and persistence from me.
I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have the willpower to be that woman.
The need to become more serious about my health and body didn't hit me before I gave birth to my youngest. I was in my early 30s and realized that everything really changes with age and gone were the days I could just eat anything. From there, it became mandatory for me to feed my body with healthy food and exercise consistently.
Now of course, I go through those days where I'm dragging; I just don't feel like it. I go through my seasons where I either just want to eat good or I don't care. I'm no different than any other girl, I go through it just like everyone else.
But although I may not be motivated all the time, the thing that keeps me going is my addiction to the results. I'm not addicted to the process, I'd rather stay home, eat fast food, and desserts every day. But the result is what I'm in love with. I love the way my body looks and feels when I treat it right.
To me, self-discipline comes from self-worth, self-love, and self-motivation. You may see women with nice bodies and deeply want yours to look similar. But if you're not willing to put in the necessary amount of work until you can actually see some results, then all you'll do is double-tap their pictures on Instagram.
It's really about mental strength, it all happens in your mind. Your body will not do what the mind doesn't tell it to do. You can be sitting comfortably on your couch and crave a snack, but if you do not command your body to get up and go get it, you're not going to eat it. You must have the willpower, you must set the goal—a realistic goal—and chase it. You must love yourself enough to treat your body like the vessel that it is which is special. We only get one body, so you must have the willpower to do what is necessary to take care of it.
My process to learn self-discipline was an interesting one. I graduated high-school with a very low GPA (1.9 to be exact), I never had a routine, never had a bedtime or strict rules growing up in my household. When I got older, I knew that I wanted to change that. Once I became sick of my own BS, I started creating daily habits for myself. I started making my bed each day (hence the title of my book) and I started to see my productivity increase substantially just by being consistent in that small task each day.
If anything, the lack of discipline of anyone around me only made me want to be further away from them. Once I made up my mind that I was going to change my lifestyle because I was destined for more, I began to lose a lot of people along the way. Unfortunately, as you become more in tune with your divine purpose, people who are no longer equally yoked will naturally fall off. I've learned to make peace with that and no longer try to hold on to something/someone that is no longer serving my highest good.
One of my favorite fall quotes says: "The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go." I try to live by that.
One thing that I'm working on this year is being more present with my loved ones. Surprisingly, that has required so much self-discipline because I'm used to always doing 10,000 things at once. Life has taught me that everything else is temporary but family is forever. Knowing that, it pushes me to be more intentional and disciplined during my quality time with the ones I love the most.
As a Black woman in America from a low-income family, I knew early in life that to achieve anything I'd have to work harder than everybody else and be more disciplined than everybody else. For me, self-discipline is about creating a plan and sticking to it which means that discipline requires a lot of planning.
Every Sunday I spend 30 minutes to an hour planning out my week. I make a list of all the things I want, need, and must do. Then (using my planner), I assign each item to a day of the week. Then, I look at Monday's to-do list and schedule when I will do each task. Monday night, I create Tuesday's schedule and so on... This hour-by-hour scheduling isn't for everyone, but it works well for me because I was a teacher for 10 years and thus lived my life in class periods.
Right now, every single part of my life requires self-discipline. I am currently battling breast cancer. The side effects of cancer treatments and the emotional and mental toll of a cancer diagnosis all make it very hard to feel motivated to do anything.
But thanks to my self-discipline—and God—and despite cancer plus the pandemic, 2020 has been one of my most successful years career-wise.
That said, even before the cancer diagnosis, self-discipline was essential for my career. I am what I like to call a full-time "writerpreneur". I'm a freelance writer and the founder of See Jane Write which is a website, membership community, and coaching service for women who write and blog. When you're your own boss, self-discipline is a prerequisite. Without it, I wouldn't meet deadlines for freelance writing assignments, let alone do what needs to be done to serve the community and grow my business.
To me, the main pillars of self-discipline are planning, purpose, and persistence.
You have to create a plan for what needs to be done to accomplish your goals. You have to know your purpose, know why you want to accomplish those goals in the first place, and stay focused on that. Most importantly, you have to be persistent. Persistence doesn't mean perfection. It's OK if you're killing it every day. Remember, rest is essential. Also, some days you're going to miss the mark. And that's OK.
Persistence is getting back in the game after a bad day.
Featured image courtesy of Ardre Orie
- Developing Discipline | Psychology Today ›
- How to Build Self Discipline to Excel in Life ›
- 7 ways to start being more self-disciplined right now ›
- If Self-Discipline Feels Difficult, Then You're Doing It Wrong ›
- 20 Strategies To Develop Self Discipline That Lasts ›
- 5 Proven Methods For Gaining Self Discipline ›
- 7 Simple Habits to Improve Your Self-Discipline | Clever Girl Finance ›
The most Gemini woman you'll ever meet. Communications & community enthusiast, I run a media platform centered around spirituality, and I'm always looking to connect with fellow creatives. Follow me on Instagram & Twitter @savannahtaider
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You’ve Got Several Sex Hormones. These Tips Will Help Make Them (& Your Sex Life) Stronger.
It’s been said that since, shoot, forever, that the brain is the biggest sex organ that we have — and to a large extent, I would agree. That’s why, whenever I tackle sex issues on this platform, it’s more as it relates to emotional connectedness, effective communication, and clearly articulating one’s needs.
That’s not to say that articles like this one aren’t, in some ways, equally as necessary too because sometimes — sometimes, there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with your relationship and still, when you think about having sex with your partner…you’re just not as “into the idea” as you usually are.
And what that could mean is there is something going on physically instead of mentally or emotionally. For example, it could be an indication that one or more of your sex hormones are a bit “off” and you need to get them back where they need to be.
That’s the purpose and goal of today’s offering. We’re going to explore how five hormones in your system play a direct role in you having a satisfying sex life, then we’re going to touch on some signs that yours may be low and what you can do about them, at home (although if these don’t work, please see your doctor), if that is indeed the case.
Ready to physically feel like having (more) sex? Awesome.
1. Estrogen
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Although estrogen is found in both men and women, there is a lot more of it in women. And since drops in estrogen can lead to things like a lower sex drive as well as experiencing challenges when it comes to having orgasms, it’s important to do as much as you can to keep your estrogen levels where they need to be at all times.
So, what aresome key indications that your estrogen levels are low? If you have super dry skin; your vagina is dry; you’re storing up more belly fat; your periods are irregular; you’re tired a lot; your sleep patterns are erratic, and/or your libido is low.
And what can you do to get your estrogen levels back on track?
Eat foods that are considered to be phytoestrogens. Phytoestrogens are considered to be plant-based sources of estrogen that could help to get your levels up. Those foods include flaxseeds, peaches, berries, sesame seeds, and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and collards).
Take Vitamin B-Complex. The reason why it’s important to have vitamin B consistently in your system is because it plays a significant role in how your body creates estrogen. So, if you’re not currently taking a B-complex vitamin, this is as good of a time as any.
Look into Black Cohosh. If you’re someone who likes to take supplements, do some research on black cohosh. It has a pretty good reputation when it comes to elevating estrogen levels.
Drink some black tea. Are you a tea lover? If so, it can’t hurt to sip on some black tea. Although research is still ongoing, there are findings that state that some of the properties in black tea will help to elevate estrogen levels.
Live in moderation. Now this might be your “something new” for the day. Were you aware of the fact that estrogen levels actually increase in body fat? In fact,being underweightis what can decrease your estrogen. While we’re here, exercising too much can jack up your estrogen levels as well. Moral to the story with this one: stay at a healthy weight and don’t overdo it on the workout tip. When it comes to keeping your estrogen levels where they need to be, balance is key.
2. Testosterone
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Testosterone is a hormone that stimulates sexual desire in both menand women, although there is significantly more of it in men.The reason why women need it in their system is not only does it increase their libido, but it also helps to give them energy, to stay in a good mood, and it can also help to make conceiving easier.
How can you know that your testosterone levels could use a boost? If you have an irregular cycle, you’re having trouble conceiving a child; you’re low on energy; your hair is thinning; you’re losing muscle tone; you have trouble sleeping, and/or you have no real interest in sex.
If you happen to notice any of these signs, what can you do to get your testosterone levels up?
Exercise. One way to increase your testosterone levels is to exercise; however, as a woman, the key is to do things like resistance training and High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). Both of those have the reputation for raising testosterone levels; in women, especially.
Consume more zinc. Although it’s been said for years that zinc deficiencies are directly tied to erectile dysfunction in men, there are also studies that say that many women who are postmenopausal are also low in zinc. In both cases, zinc is needed because it helps to keep hormones in balance. So, if you sense that you may be low in testosterone, perhaps take a zinc supplement or eat foods that are high in zinc, like beef, lamb, pumpkin seeds, whole grains, and eggs.
Drink less alcohol. Even though alcohol can make you feel horny for a moment, the reality is if you drink too much of it, it can actually cause your testosterone levels to tank. Bottom line with this one, pace yourself with your cocktails — especially if you already know that your testosterone levels aren’t where they should be.
Go outside. Did you know that there is a correlation between vitamin D deficiencies and pregnancy issues like preeclampsia and a baby’s low birth weight? There are also studies that indicate that when a woman is receiving a daily dose of vitamin D, her testosterone levels tend to remain strong. That said, one way to get vitamin D into your system is to take a supplement or to eat foods that are rich in them. Another is to consume foods that contain vitamin D, like salmon, tuna, and mushrooms. Still another is to spend more time outside. Definitely one of the best ways to get some “D” into you is to be in the presence of the sun. In fact, as an extra bonus, the ultraviolet radiation that comes from the sun can boost the libido of both men and women. The more you know.
Watch your stress. Two things that aren’t the best of friends are testosterone and cortisol (the hormone that creates your natural stress response). This is so much the case that when your cortisol levels are high, that can hinder your system from producing all of the testosterone that it needs. So, you know what that means, right? CHILL. OUT.
3. Progesterone
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Progesterone is what helps to keep your libido regulated. Since it also plays a pivotal role in a woman’s menstrual cycle and how her hormones respond throughout the month, women who are in the latter stages of perimenopause or who are postmenopausal should also keep their progesterone levels up in order to maintain a consistent sex life.
Signs that you need more progesterone? Trouble sleeping. Irregular cycles. Bloating. Erratic moods. Headaches.
Things that can help bring some relief to these issues?
Meditate. From what I’veread and (briefly) researched, cortisol has the ability to block your progesterone receptors, which means that it can decrease them if you are too stressed out. And that is why one way that you can boost your progesterone levels is to meditate.Since meditation can reduce anxiety, lower stress, and help you to sleep better, I’m sure you get how it can work to get your progesterone levels where they need to be.
Take Vitamin C. If you are low in vitamin C, it could impact your progesterone levels in a negative way. That’s becausevitamin C is a nutrient that actually stimulates the production of progesterone. So, if you want to get more of it into your system, take a vitamin C supplement, drink some orange juice, and/or eatvitamin C-enriched foods like cantaloupe, parsley, strawberries, papaya, and chili peppers.
Implement chasteberry tea. An herbal tea that I personally think every woman should have in her possession ischasteberry tea. Not only does it do things like reduce inflammation, bring relief to PMS symptoms, and help to improve infertility, it also helps to balance out your hormones and, yes, increase progesterone levels.
Hang out with friends. When it comes to raising progesterone levels, something that I found to be fascinating is that there are studies that say that when women hang out with each other, that can give their progesterone levels a boost. The methodology is that it reduces stress and anxiety and makes people feel more comfortable, to the point where it helps to balance out that particular hormone. Pretty cool, right?
Get on a sleep schedule. Not getting a consistent amount (preferably 6-8 hours) of rest can definitelythrow your hormones off, including your progesterone levels. That’s a big part of the reason why I once wrote “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” Check it out when you get a chance.
4. Oxytocin
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Oxytocin has the reputation for being called the “love hormone.” That’s because it’s a hormone (and neuropeptide, which is a protein-like molecule) that “activates” during physical activities like kissing, cuddling, andsex.
And what are some telling signs that you are low on this particular hormone?You may feel a bit depressed;you may feel more anxious; you may notice that you don’t want to communicate and/or be affectionate with others; you may have less of an interest in sex, and/or it may be harder for you to orgasm.
Are there also things that you can do to increase your oxytocin levels on your own? Yep.
Get into some music. If you’re not in the mood for sex but you want to be, treat yourself to a long shower — and then sing in it. Believe it or not, some studies say thatsinging for 30 minutes can increase your oxytocin because it helps you to feel connected and relaxed (so can listening to music).
Hug someone. There is data all over the place that says that oxytocin is stimulated through the power of touch. That’s a part of the reason why it’s known as the “cuddle hormone.” So, just like you can get an oxytocin boost by kissing or cuddling with your partner, hugging a friend can also take your oxytocin levels up a few notches as well.
Get a massage. Sooo…when’s the last time you got a massage (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? Take this as a sign that today would be a great day to book an appointment. As far as your oxytocin levels go, it’s another way that touch can come into effect while reducing stress and inflammation. And don’t get me started on where your oxytocin levels will go if your partner starts rubbing on some of your pressure points. Feel me?
Spend quality time with your bae. Speaking of partners, there are studies that also say that oxytocin levels are high when new relationships start. A part of the reason why is that there is so much intentional quality time that’s being spent, which is also good for your oxytocin levels. So, if it’s been a minute since the two of you have been on a date, plan one. Check out “10 Cheap Date Ideas For Couples On A Budget,” “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language,” “10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)” and “Dinner & A Movie Is So…“Meh.” Here Are Some Creative Takes On V-Day Dates.” for some inspiration.
Have sex. As far as physical intimacy goes, it doesn’t get any closer than sex — and here’s the thing: the more orgasms you have, the more oxytocin your body is able to produce. So, if you want more oxytocin and you’re not having (more) sex (and orgasms), that’s actually working against you… especially as far as this particular hormone goes.
5. Dopamine
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Dopamine is a hormone and a neurotransmitter that plays a role in sexual desire and pleasure.For men, it can help them to achieve and maintain an erection;for women, it can help them to orgasm (more easily).
Some indications that you may need more dopamine in your system are if you find yourself lacking drive and motivation, you struggle with concentrating, you’re moody, sleep is a struggle for you, and/or you don’t find things that you used to enjoy being very fun (including sex).
Luckily, there are things that you can even do to level out your dopamine:
Consume more protein. There is an amino acid called tyrosine that helps your body to process dopamine. That’s why it’s a good idea to make sure that protein is a part of your diet. Although you can get it from meat, there are other foods that are packed with protein as well. “Vegetarian Or Vegan? Check Out These High Protein Foods.” has a few ideas for you to consider.
Eat less saturated fat. Speaking of your diet, it’s also wise to eat less saturated fat. That’s because there are studies that say that too much of that kind of fat in your system can mess with how your brain processes dopamine. For the record, saturated fats include dairy, fried foods, and coconut oil.
Maintain a healthy gut. It has been stated that more than 50 percent of the dopamine that’s in your body is synthesized in your gut. This means that you need to be hypervigilant in making sure that your gut remains as healthy as possible. Check out “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” for tips on how to do just that.
Take a probiotic. Speaking of maintaining a healthy gut, it’s going to be so much easier for you to do it if you take a probiotic. Plus, probiotics are known for producing the kind of “good bacteria” that makes it easy for your gut to release dopamine.
Try some oregano oil. A supplement that is full of antioxidants and may possibly boost dopamine in your body is oregano oil. Since it also helps to keep your gut healthy — hey, why not give it a shot?
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As you can see, there are so many factors that go into having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling sex life. Now that you know more about what to do for your sex-related hormones, hopefully, you can get more of what you’re looking for in your sexual experiences.
Amen? I’m saying, sis.
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