
I've shared before that I'm a doula. Personally, I think the gig consists of tending to the mother, ensuring the safe birth of her child and also making sure that her partner (and kids, if she has other children) has all of their questions and concerns addressed. You know what's a trip about the partner part? Whenever the topic of body positivity and sex comes up, it's very rare that a man will be nearly as critical of a woman's body as a woman is. At the same time, if there's one particular concern that both men and women have when it comes to life after giving birth, it's how the vagina is going to be following it.
It's a fair question because while having a child is one of the most beautiful and miraculous things that can even happen to us, anyone who tells you that it won't change your body is either lying or they're delusional. It will. And yes, this includes your vagina. However, when it comes to the whole "loose vagina" fear, there are a few points that I want to address today. One reason is so that I can dispel certain assumptions and myths. The second is so that I can put both you and your partner at ease. So, are you ready to know the facts about the so-called loose vagina?
So, Is There Really Such a Thing As a “Loose Vagina”? If So, Why?
Let me start off by saying that when it comes to the term "loose vagina", it is more of an exaggeration than anything else. Goodness, there are so many reasons why our vaginas are pretty damn amazing. One of them is it's got a ton of elasticity in it. Just think about it. If you've had a child before, then you can already attest to the fact that while an entire body came out of your vagina, it has pretty much gone back to the way it was before you gave birth. And how long does this process take? You definitely need to wait the standard six weeks after giving birth for your vagina to heal. Following that, it may take a few more months for things to feel way more normal to you—and to your partner.
Now, I won't lie. If you want me to say that things will be exactly the same, the answer is "probably not" because, again, an entire baby came out of you. At the same time, to be honest with you, there are much bigger changes to look out for like maybe a shift in shoe size, your breasts not being quite as full, needing to get your sex drive back to the way it was and perhaps experiencing some hair loss. And what about how your partner will feel about your vagina? While some men have felt pretty intimidated after watching the birth of a child (I'm sure you can get why), when I've done follow-ups after about six months or so, most of them say something along the lines of 1) they were just thrilled to be able to get some again and/or 2) the fact that their partner was able to birth a child makes her sexy AF and/or 3) it's not a big enough of a change to be that big of a deal. So, as you can see, as far as a loose vagina when it comes to vaginally giving birth goes, there really is nothing to worry about. Let's keep going.
Is there anything else that can result in a vagina being…loose? Well, let me knock one myth totally out of the way—it definitely can't happen from having numerous sex partners. Think about it. If a vagina is able to bounce back from a body coming out of it, what kind of damage is an organ that averages 5" erect really gonna do? Exactly.
What can cause a vagina to become less "tight" over time is age. That's because, once we hit around the age of 40 (which is perimenopause for a lot of women; menopause averages around the age of 51), our system can start to produce less estrogen which can cause our vaginal walls to become thinner; drier too. So, if you don't have kids or it's been a while since you've given birth and either you or your partner are noticing that things are a little bit different down below, getting your hormone levels checked could be beneficial; especially if you're around 40 or over it.
Honestly, a “Tight Vagina” Could Be More Problematic. Here’s Why.
Now that you hopefully have a greater understanding of what a loose vagina is all about (along with why it really isn't something to be too concerned about), let's touch on tighter ones, shall we? Aside from virginity, if you're having sex with someone and your vagina feels "tight" in the sense of being uncomfortable, that isn't really a good thing. While yes, sometimes adjusting to a new partner can result in needing a couple of tries in order to get used to his size (that doesn't rhyme on purpose), honestly, sex is meant to feel good. So, if you don't, that can kinda fall on him.
Why and how? Well, two things that we need in order for our vagina to feel great during sex is arousal and lubrication. If your partner sucks at foreplay (and not in a good way), if he is sexually selfish and/or if ole' boy is a minute man, all of these things could keep your vagina from relaxing and expanding as it should.
That's why, whenever I hear some dude go on and on about tight va-jay-jays being his thing—I'll be honest with you, a part of me wonders if he's way worse in bed than he thinks that he is because, when it comes to a fulfilling sexual experience, getting in a "tight" vagina should not be the goal any more than being with a guy with a huge member should be (check out "BDE: Please Let The "It Needs To Be Huge" Myth Go"). Having a pleasurable time should be the focus and the most your vagina expands in order to comfortably accommodate your partner, the better. And yes, he plays a huge role in making that a possibility.
5 Things You Can Do to Increase Vaginal Elasticity
So, what if, after taking all of this in, you feel like your vaginal is not as "elastic" as you would like and you want to do something about it? That's a good question. Here are some natural things to try at home.
Do some kegels. Most of us have heard of kegels before. At the end of the day, they are simply a series of exercises that consist of your vagina clenching and then releasing so that your pelvic floor can feel stronger and your vagina can seem less loose. Since kegels also help to increase blood flow to the genital region, it can actually benefit your partner to do them as well since they could make his erections fuller in the long run. Some kegels tips for women can be found here. For men, it can be found here.
Eat some phytoestrogen foods. Remember how I said that a dip in estrogen could be a part of the reason why your vagina doesn't feel quite the same? A natural approach to this particular issue is to consume more phytoestrogen foods. What exactly is phytoestrogen? It's a plant-based source of estrogen. Some foods that contain phytoestrogen include lentils, wheat germ, cherries, oats, barley, apples and carrots.
Cop a vaginal cone. Some people like yoni eggs. Others prefer vaginal cones. Either way, if you want to strengthen your vaginal floor, get yourself one (or one of each). All you basically need to do is insert one into your vagina. In response, your vagina will contract in order to keep the egg/cone from slipping out. Some women use them to make their vagina "tighter" while others use them to combat urinary incontinence. If you use them consistently and correctly, they can actually be pretty effective.
Spoon. When I say "spoon", I mean sex not sleep. The truth is, any sexual position that requires you to keep your legs closer together can make things feel more snug up in there. So, next time you have sex, get into the spooning position and let him enter into you that way. Things will feel "tighter" and it can increase your chances of climaxing too.
Have sex more often. One more. Should it come as any surprise that one way to get your vagina to become less loose is by strengthening your pelvic floor via sexual activity? The reality is that when you have an orgasm, your vaginal walls contract multiple times and then relaxes. You know what this means, right? The more you cum, the more contractions you have and the better your vaginal walls end up becoming. So, check out "10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day" for more inspiration, go find your partner and then get into that spoon position I mentioned. Your vagina will thank you. Hell, you will thank you. #wink
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
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Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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