What Science Says About A So-Called "Loose Vagina"
I've shared before that I'm a doula. Personally, I think the gig consists of tending to the mother, ensuring the safe birth of her child and also making sure that her partner (and kids, if she has other children) has all of their questions and concerns addressed. You know what's a trip about the partner part? Whenever the topic of body positivity and sex comes up, it's very rare that a man will be nearly as critical of a woman's body as a woman is. At the same time, if there's one particular concern that both men and women have when it comes to life after giving birth, it's how the vagina is going to be following it.
It's a fair question because while having a child is one of the most beautiful and miraculous things that can even happen to us, anyone who tells you that it won't change your body is either lying or they're delusional. It will. And yes, this includes your vagina. However, when it comes to the whole "loose vagina" fear, there are a few points that I want to address today. One reason is so that I can dispel certain assumptions and myths. The second is so that I can put both you and your partner at ease. So, are you ready to know the facts about the so-called loose vagina?
So, Is There Really Such a Thing As a “Loose Vagina”? If So, Why?
Let me start off by saying that when it comes to the term "loose vagina", it is more of an exaggeration than anything else. Goodness, there are so many reasons why our vaginas are pretty damn amazing. One of them is it's got a ton of elasticity in it. Just think about it. If you've had a child before, then you can already attest to the fact that while an entire body came out of your vagina, it has pretty much gone back to the way it was before you gave birth. And how long does this process take? You definitely need to wait the standard six weeks after giving birth for your vagina to heal. Following that, it may take a few more months for things to feel way more normal to you—and to your partner.
Now, I won't lie. If you want me to say that things will be exactly the same, the answer is "probably not" because, again, an entire baby came out of you. At the same time, to be honest with you, there are much bigger changes to look out for like maybe a shift in shoe size, your breasts not being quite as full, needing to get your sex drive back to the way it was and perhaps experiencing some hair loss. And what about how your partner will feel about your vagina? While some men have felt pretty intimidated after watching the birth of a child (I'm sure you can get why), when I've done follow-ups after about six months or so, most of them say something along the lines of 1) they were just thrilled to be able to get some again and/or 2) the fact that their partner was able to birth a child makes her sexy AF and/or 3) it's not a big enough of a change to be that big of a deal. So, as you can see, as far as a loose vagina when it comes to vaginally giving birth goes, there really is nothing to worry about. Let's keep going.
Is there anything else that can result in a vagina being…loose? Well, let me knock one myth totally out of the way—it definitely can't happen from having numerous sex partners. Think about it. If a vagina is able to bounce back from a body coming out of it, what kind of damage is an organ that averages 5" erect really gonna do? Exactly.
What can cause a vagina to become less "tight" over time is age. That's because, once we hit around the age of 40 (which is perimenopause for a lot of women; menopause averages around the age of 51), our system can start to produce less estrogen which can cause our vaginal walls to become thinner; drier too. So, if you don't have kids or it's been a while since you've given birth and either you or your partner are noticing that things are a little bit different down below, getting your hormone levels checked could be beneficial; especially if you're around 40 or over it.
Honestly, a “Tight Vagina” Could Be More Problematic. Here’s Why.
Now that you hopefully have a greater understanding of what a loose vagina is all about (along with why it really isn't something to be too concerned about), let's touch on tighter ones, shall we? Aside from virginity, if you're having sex with someone and your vagina feels "tight" in the sense of being uncomfortable, that isn't really a good thing. While yes, sometimes adjusting to a new partner can result in needing a couple of tries in order to get used to his size (that doesn't rhyme on purpose), honestly, sex is meant to feel good. So, if you don't, that can kinda fall on him.
Why and how? Well, two things that we need in order for our vagina to feel great during sex is arousal and lubrication. If your partner sucks at foreplay (and not in a good way), if he is sexually selfish and/or if ole' boy is a minute man, all of these things could keep your vagina from relaxing and expanding as it should.
That's why, whenever I hear some dude go on and on about tight va-jay-jays being his thing—I'll be honest with you, a part of me wonders if he's way worse in bed than he thinks that he is because, when it comes to a fulfilling sexual experience, getting in a "tight" vagina should not be the goal any more than being with a guy with a huge member should be (check out "BDE: Please Let The "It Needs To Be Huge" Myth Go"). Having a pleasurable time should be the focus and the most your vagina expands in order to comfortably accommodate your partner, the better. And yes, he plays a huge role in making that a possibility.
5 Things You Can Do to Increase Vaginal Elasticity
So, what if, after taking all of this in, you feel like your vaginal is not as "elastic" as you would like and you want to do something about it? That's a good question. Here are some natural things to try at home.
Do some kegels. Most of us have heard of kegels before. At the end of the day, they are simply a series of exercises that consist of your vagina clenching and then releasing so that your pelvic floor can feel stronger and your vagina can seem less loose. Since kegels also help to increase blood flow to the genital region, it can actually benefit your partner to do them as well since they could make his erections fuller in the long run. Some kegels tips for women can be found here. For men, it can be found here.
Eat some phytoestrogen foods. Remember how I said that a dip in estrogen could be a part of the reason why your vagina doesn't feel quite the same? A natural approach to this particular issue is to consume more phytoestrogen foods. What exactly is phytoestrogen? It's a plant-based source of estrogen. Some foods that contain phytoestrogen include lentils, wheat germ, cherries, oats, barley, apples and carrots.
Cop a vaginal cone. Some people like yoni eggs. Others prefer vaginal cones. Either way, if you want to strengthen your vaginal floor, get yourself one (or one of each). All you basically need to do is insert one into your vagina. In response, your vagina will contract in order to keep the egg/cone from slipping out. Some women use them to make their vagina "tighter" while others use them to combat urinary incontinence. If you use them consistently and correctly, they can actually be pretty effective.
Spoon. When I say "spoon", I mean sex not sleep. The truth is, any sexual position that requires you to keep your legs closer together can make things feel more snug up in there. So, next time you have sex, get into the spooning position and let him enter into you that way. Things will feel "tighter" and it can increase your chances of climaxing too.
Have sex more often. One more. Should it come as any surprise that one way to get your vagina to become less loose is by strengthening your pelvic floor via sexual activity? The reality is that when you have an orgasm, your vaginal walls contract multiple times and then relaxes. You know what this means, right? The more you cum, the more contractions you have and the better your vaginal walls end up becoming. So, check out "10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day" for more inspiration, go find your partner and then get into that spoon position I mentioned. Your vagina will thank you. Hell, you will thank you. #wink
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- I Tried Sugar Waxing, Sugaring For The First Time... - xoNecole ... ›
- Why You Should Be Looking Down There More Than You (Already ... ›
- What To Do When Your Boyfriend Is Too Big - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- How To Make Your Vagina Taste Sweeter - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 10 Myths About Men Debunked By Men - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is 'Vaginal Laxity' And How Can You Effectively Treat It? - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
'Love Is Blind' Star AD Smith Shows Us That The Journey To Self-Worth Is Ongoing And She Shouldn't Be Criticized For It
This season of Love Is Blind was undeniably a rollercoaster ride of emotions. From intricate love triangles to deeply rooted attachment issues, it offered viewers a compelling glimpse into the complexities of modern relationships.
Yet, amidst the drama and romance, I think it serves as a poignant reminder of how we can possess a keen awareness of our relationship patterns; we can even find ourselves in therapy for years yet find ourselves repeatedly entangled in the same destructive cycles. Without the necessary tools and strategies to dismantle old habits and embrace healthier alternatives, we are destined to remain ensnared in a cycle of repetition and stagnation.
Amber Desiree “AD” Smith was left shocked and confused at the altar when her fiancé, Clay Gravesande, ultimately decided not to go through with the wedding ceremony. His actions throughout the season consistently indicated hesitancy towards commitment despite initially expressing readiness for a long-term relationship when he and AD first connected in the pods.
Throughout the season, Clay's journey revealed layers of immaturity stemming from childhood wounds caused by generational trauma, along with a clear unpreparedness for a healthy relationship. His relationship with AD began on shaky ground when he hesitated to commit without knowing her appearance first.
@netflix.reality.clips Clay and AD in the pods #clayloveisblind #ADloveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #libs6 #dating show
Despite AD's initial surprise, she decided to give Clay a chance, continuing their relationship. However, this initial compromise led to recurring issues, such as Clay's insensitive comments about potential weight gain and his insistence that AD join a gym if she were to gain weight in the future.
Despite these challenges, Clay and AD left the pods engaged with a road ahead of them of ongoing struggles in the real world. Clay and AD's relationship seemed shallow, mainly revolving around superficial interactions reminiscent of casual social media banter. Clay's fixation on physical appearance and fear of commitment clashed with AD's idealized vision of their relationship, blinding her from facing the reality of who Clay truly was.
Clay often centered conversations around himself, indicating a deep need for validation, which AD eagerly provided. From my point of view, this mutual reinforcement bolstered Clay's ego while fulfilling AD's need for validation in return.
Throughout season 6, Clay grappled with committing to a single partner, influenced by his upbringing witnessing his father's multiple relationships and extramarital affairs. The absence of healthy marriage examples shaped his perception of relationships. Despite these challenges, AD remained steadfast in her support, demonstrating a willingness to confront and overcome obstacles with Clay, given her upbringing in a household where her father was absent, an attachment wound that she has gained awareness about in therapy.
In the season finale, AD's excitement turned to confusion when Clay unexpectedly responded with "I don't" after her "I do." Clay's decision wasn't about AD's worth but stemmed from his own lack of emotional maturity and focus on superficial traits like physical appearance and achievement.
@stephmoneymonster Justice for AD #loveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #fpy #viralvideo #foryoupage #single #dating
Despite Clay's repeated expressions of self-doubt throughout the season, AD was visibly taken aback, holding onto the hope that he would change. AD's desire to be with Clay overshadowed her ability to discern if he was the right guy for her. Throughout the season, she found herself caught up in a fantasy of who she wanted Clay to be and the idea of being married to him. Clay's repeated statements about how AD made him a better man and how he wanted to change for her likely boosted her ego.
Many of us can relate to AD's struggle; grappling with feelings of unworthiness due to childhood trauma and abandonment often traps us in cycles that reinforce our deepest fears.
At the altar, AD was left devastated, questioning her worthiness and desirability. However, it’s not that AD isn’t worthy; she’s just stuck in a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners, reminiscent of her father. Though she desires a different outcome, she finds herself unable to connect with a man who is emotionally present, reflecting her own emotional unavailability.
In our society, there's a common expectation for women to take on the role of nurturing and guiding men, often justified by the belief that “boys will be boys.” Like most women, AD frequently excuses Clay's behavior and does much of the emotional work in their relationship.
Deep down, AD likely felt the need to show unwavering support to Clay, hoping to secure his commitment by accommodating his flaws. For AD, love has become synonymous with earning someone's affection, a belief she reinforced by investing her heart in Clay, hoping to prove her worth to him. Yet, in doing so, she unwittingly perpetuated her own cycle of dysfunction.
AD's journey highlights the importance of being discerning in relationships, distinguishing between genuine compatibility, and settling for something less (the "right" from the "kinda sorta right"). Unfortunately, she lacked the tools to see Clay clearly, especially when dealing with her own attachment issues. Relying solely on physical attraction can be risky, as it often leads to repeating old patterns, with judgment clouded by the intensity of emotions.
Netflix Love Is Blind season 6 Clay and AD/ Screenshot
Engaging in inner work through therapy is undoubtedly a crucial step toward personal growth and healing, but it doesn’t fix us. It provides us with the opportunity to delve into our past traumas, confront deep-seated insecurities, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. However, despite the insights gained and the progress made within the therapeutic setting, applying this newfound self-awareness to real-life situations, especially in the realm of romantic relationships, can be challenging.
For someone like AD, the journey towards self-discovery is ongoing. I love the way Yung Pueblo puts it: “If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times.” While therapy equips her with valuable tools for introspection and self-reflection, it doesn't necessarily guarantee an immediate transformation in her dating behavior or decision-making process because she needs to grieve what she didn’t get from her father and create a new identity for herself.
One of the biggest reasons for this disparity between inner work and practical application lies in the complexity of human emotions and behavior.
Despite understanding the root causes of her attachment issues, AD found herself still drawn to partners who perpetuate these dynamics. This phenomenon often occurs because our emotional responses are deeply ingrained and may override rational thought processes, particularly when it pertains to matters of the heart.
'Love Is Blind' Season 6 Finale AD and Clay's Wedding/ Screenshot
Furthermore, the dynamics of therapy sessions differ vastly from real-life interactions and relationships. In therapy, individuals are in a controlled environment where they can explore their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. However, the unpredictability and vulnerability inherent in dating can trigger old wounds and defense mechanisms, making it challenging to maintain the same level of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Moreover, societal expectations and cultural norms can exert significant pressure on individuals like AD, influencing their perceptions of what constitutes a successful relationship. The desire for validation, societal approval, or the fear of being alone may cloud judgment and lead to compromising on core values or overlooking red flags.
So, how can we bridge the gap between inner work and practical application in our own dating lives?
Firstly, it's essential to acknowledge that growth is a gradual process and setbacks are inevitable. Instead of expecting instant results, we can practice self-compassion and patience while holding ourselves accountable.
Additionally, we can also work on slowing down, setting boundaries, and practicing assertiveness in our interactions with potential partners. Start getting to know people from the inside out. Not just by what they say but by what they do. These two things should always walk hand in hand.
By clearly communicating our needs and values and slowing down on physical intimacy, we can better discern whether a relationship aligns with our values.
Furthermore, seeking support from wise counsel (trusted friends and family), mentors, or even continuing therapy BEFORE things get too serious can provide us with additional perspectives and guidance as we navigate the dating landscape. Having a support network can offer reassurance and validation while also providing accountability in making healthy choices.
Lastly, by staying attuned to our emotions and paying attention to what our intuition is saying, we can make more informed decisions and avoid falling into familiar traps.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image Netflix Love Is Blind Season 6/ Screenshot