It was right around this time last year (give or take a few weeks) that The New York Times published an article entitled, “To Enjoy Life More, Embrace Anticipation.” The gist of it is, if you want to improve your overall mood, increase your energy levels, and make you feel more excited by whatever is transpiring in the present — give yourself some things to look forward to in the future; the sooner the better too.
And since sex and relationships are very much so my lane, you already know where my mind went: if getting hype about what’s to come will ultimately make an experience better, why not provide y’all some sex-themed ways to cultivate anticipation between you and your bae during the day, so that sex will be even that much more mind-blowing at night — hell, hopefully, tonight?
1. Tell Him Something That You Miss About Him — Right After He Leaves
GiphyWho doesn’t want to be missed, right? Yet oftentimes, when you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while (especially if you live with the person), it may never cross your mind to express it. I mean, if you deal with them on a constant basis, what possibly could you miss? Yeah, but watch this, though — no one gets the totality of an individual 24/7, especially when it comes to sex. What I mean by that is, if you’ve got a partner who is absolutely awesome to you and the sex is bomb to boot? Even if it’s only been three days since the last time you got some, there is gonna be some point in your day when you stop to think about how that man hit that spot, just right, and it’s going to cause you to shake your head, quiver…something.
Instead of keeping that thought to yourself, tell him what you enjoy about those moments; then let him know that you miss him to the point where you can’t wait to experience it with him again. I’ve been working with couples for a long time, y’all, and if there’s one thing that men tell me often is that they wish that their partners would tell them that they love them, desire them, and miss them more often.
That said, don’t wait until the end of the day either. Do it within 10 minutes of him walking out of the door in the morning. If it doesn’t make him turn right back around and give you some morning sex, it will definitely keep you on his mind, on a more amplified level, throughout the rest of the day. I can just about guarantee it.
2. Surprise Him with an Aphrodisiac-Themed Lunch
GiphyI don’t think it will come as a shocker to most of y’all thataround 62 percent of people take their lunch break at their desk (if they take one at all). If you add to that the fact that a lot of us work remotely, which makes us work longer and harder instead of smarter (SMDH), it’s no wonder thatso many articles out in cyberspace say that it’s essential that we take our lunch breaks in order to rest, rejuvenate and even recalibrate a bit.
You shouldn’t want your man to go to a drive-thru when there are healthier options — like homemade meals. That said, some foods that are considered to be bona fide aphrodisiacs include avocados, asparagus, basil, dark chocolate, cloves, sage, watermelon, honey, pistachios,apples, red wine, and beef. So, sometime this week, make your man lunch and add some aphrodisiac foods in there along with a note that simply says (something along the lines of), “So…you know these are aphrodisiacs, right?”. I’m thinking that he’ll immediately get the hint. #wink
3. Sext Him Some Sexual Questions
GiphySomething that my clients can vouch for when it comes to something that I advise just about all of them to do is get clarity from their partner by presenting things in question form. Questions get people off of the defensive. Questions help your tone to soften during your delivery. Questions make other people feel like we want to get to know them over, assuming that we already do (P.S. You will never know all that there is to know about something because humans are forever evolving). Questions can also arouse the imagination.
When was the last time that you asked your partner some sexual questions? Like what their current favorite fantasy is? What’s something that really turns them on that they wish you would do more often? Where would they like to have sex that the two of you never have before? What would they like to try that they thought you would be too scared to attempt? What’s the best orgasm they’ve had since the two of you have been together?
There is a win/win that comes with this line of inquiry: your partner can reflect on things that will arouse them, and you can learn more about how to keep that kind of energy going once you’re back in each other’s presence. Yeah, text or email him a few questions. Be prepared for him to ask you a few in his replies, too.
4. Send Him a Favorite Sex Song
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life.” When you get a chance, check it out. There are quite a few studies out there that support just how much music impacts us. When it comes to sex, specifically, one thing that science has revealed is the kind of music that we listen to can actually determine the type of sex that we end up having. For instance, believe it or not, people who listen to blues, jazz, and country reported being sexually satisfied more than anyone else — so, if that’s you and your partner’s thing, send them one of your favorites from those lanes.
Something else to take note of is the fact that music has a way of spontaneously bringing certain memories to mind, not just the memory itself but certain details that you might not recall otherwise. And so, think about a song (or two or a complete playlist) that always gets you in the mood — or even better, a song that is connected to a memory of some of the best sex that you and your boo has ever had with no context. Then wait to see how he responds. If it’s a sex-themed emoji, perfect. If it’s a “what’s this?” — expound. Just as graphically as you possibly can, by the way. Then, turn that memory into a present-day experience that tops it. #whewchile
5. Then Send Him a Pic of a New Sex Position
GiphyAlthough we typically only hear the word “resolution” whenever the top of the year rolls around, at the end of the day, a resolution is simply an expressed intention. That’s why I write articles like “10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make” because if we’re all doing this life thing right, every day should be seen as an opportunity to make a fresh start. Therefore, when it comes to sex, one way to do that is to learn some new sex positions.
A book that can help you out is365 Sex Positions: A New Way Every Day for a Steamy, Erotic Year(yep, you read that right!). While you’re waiting for your order to arrive, there are 100 sex positions (complete with illustrations) that you can check outhere. Just imagine how your man will feel if you send a “Hey, how about this tonight?” message out of the blue. C’mon now.
6. Do a Random “Moan” Call
GiphyI once read an article that said a part of the reason why making noises during sex is beneficial is if they are genuine (meaning, if you’re not faking it), it can let your partner know that you’re not indifferent to what is transpiring — that you are actually present and totally in the moment with them.
And so, when I unofficially polled some men about what they liked about moans during copulation, one thing that stood out to me was a guy who said that it’s a sound that causes a woman to sound her most feminine and seductive at the same time.
So, think about it: in the middle of a busy work day, what man wouldn’t want to receive a random call from his lady on the other line bringing him into her energy by providing a sound effect that’s reminiscent of some of his favorite times with her? Listen, if you want that man of yours to rush home after work, invest in a 30-second call that consists of softly moaning his name. You’ll be amazed by how much of an impact that it makes — on you both.
7. Offer Up a (New) Safe Word
GiphyPeople who really like to be adventurous when it comes to sex will sometimes come up with a safe word. If you’re not familiar, it’s a word that lets your partner know when you may be about to be pushed to your limit and you need to either pause or stop completely. The reason why I think this is another sexy anticipation hack is because sending your man a message that says something along the lines of “Hey babe, how about this being our new safe word for tonight?” — subtly yet not so subtly conveys the message that you’re down for getting out of missionary style and trying something new; something on his sex bucket list that you’ve been putting off, perhaps? Hmm…
8. Have a Sexual “Inside Joke” Delivered to His Job
GiphyOkay, what I mean here is share something that only the two of you would understand — maybe a type of mint that you tried once when you were performing fellatio on him or a sexual condiment that is your favorite whenever he goes down on you; if it’s a tangible item and it can be incognito, have it delivered to his job (or leave it in his car before he goes to work). Or, it could be an actual joke of some sort because if you’ve heard that a good sense of humor is something that both men and women find to be a top-tier trait when it comes to attraction, take that to heart;it is indeed the truth.
And when youadd to that the fact that a good joke or laugh, even if it’s got some sexual undertones to it, can lead to less stress, more intimacy, and more creativity in the bedroom (which studies have also revealed) — why not shoot an inside joke that is hella sexy his way?
9. Reenergize Him with Some (Brief) Sexual Meditation
GiphyEven though a lot of people reserve meditating for when they’re not at the office,there can be benefits for taking 5-10 minutes out of your day to recenter, deep breathe, and relax a bit. It can help to reenergize you. It can release some of the stress that you may be storing up. It can also ultimately make you more productive — and when it’s a lightweight form of sexual meditation, it can get you into a space of feeling closer to your partner and desiring them (more). Although orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) encourages climaxing, choose to see sexual meditation as the “foreplay” of it.
You can simply FaceTime or Google Chat your partner, look them in the eyes, and ask them to deep breathe with you after you sexually affirm one another in some way. Or you can shoot them a link to a sexual meditation exercise (like this onehere or this onehere), and you listen to some of it together while you’re both on a break. Just connecting and being in the moment with each other can increase your libido in ways that you wouldn’t imagine.
10. Tell Him Something That You Want to Do to Him Before He Comes Home
GiphyThere is nothing like the last two hours or so of a work day. Even on the best day, when you look up at the clock and realize that you’ve still got quite a bit of time before you can be up outta your office, it can be tempting to completely get ghost without finishing up the tasks that are on your plate. I’m pretty sure that your partner feels the same way, so…provide him with some motivation by texting or calling him towards the end of the day to express exactly what you want to do to him as soon as he gets home. Don’t forget to ask him what he wants to do to you as well.
Just make sure to also tell him to drive safely as he tries to get to you — because if anything will get a man to speeding…it’s knowing that there issome good-good waiting for him as soon as he hits the door. Have fun — building the anticipation and then reaping the oh, so very sweet rewards!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'Bel-Air' Actress Jazlyn Martin On Her Ongoing Identity Crisis And Its Influence On Her Creative Journey
Jazlyn Martin is a triple-threat performer known most for her role as Jackie on Peacock’sBel-Air. Her character’s fiery personality and questionable decisions have led to a few shocking moments in the series and quite a bit of convo on social media.
Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy
From NBC Exec To Full-Time Creative Boss: Imani Ellis Shares The Story Behind CultureCon’s Unstoppable Rise
CultureCon, an idea sparked in founder Imani Ellis’s New York City apartment, began as a gathering of support, networking, and fun for 10 friends. Today, the conference—a must-attend for the who's who creatives in media, marketing, and entertainment—has expanded to draw thousands for panel discussions, brand activations, and even more fun in major cities, including Los Angeles and Atlanta. Past speakers include Tracee Ellis Ross, Chloe x Halle, Issa Rae, Spike Lee, Stacey Abrams, and Kandi Burruss.
This year’s event drew more than 20,000 attendees and boasted names like Cynthia Erivo, Yara Shahidi, and Law Roach. Former First Lady Michelle Obama also made an appearance at an event held during the conference week, where Janelle Monáe was the DJ.
“Never in a million years did I think I would get to this point,” Imani tells xoNecole in an interview. “When I invited 10 friends over to my apartment, I thought that was it. We're gonna do a potluck. But we kept inviting friends and inviting friends, and so to have 10,000 people at CultureCon—it's still blowing my mind.”
Jason Mendez / Stringer/Getty Images
The former NBCUniversal executive, now full-time boss, is also the brains behind The Creative Collective, a global resource and community for Black creatives.
“During the first few years, I was the vice president at NBC, you know, really growing there and that team and I also was trying to build CultureCon. And what I really learned was, you know, you've got to have time management. It's not always going to look the same. So, for a lot of days, there were early days and late nights. Early days really were kind of overlapping. And the entire time, I thought, ‘This is just, kind of, like my community-building part of my life. It just kept growing and growing until finally I realized that I was getting to the next chapter of my life, which was doing CultureCon full time.”
The theme for this year was “CultureCon Goes To Camp,” with the imagery and vibes of a “creative adventure.” Attendees enjoyed talks about “the future of Black business,” how to monetize your social brand, and tapping into your “creative genius,” among other empowering topics.
“I think the fact that there is no limit is so exciting. And so we'll say, ‘Let's make the theme ‘Camp,’ and then 11 months later, we're showing up, and it's actually ‘Camp.’ So to see your ideas in your mind and then collaborate with your friends and see it again in real life, I love that experience. So I'm so excited to see all the places where CultureCon can go. In the past, we've done CultureCon Atlanta, we've done CultureCon in LA. This year, we did the first-ever CultureCon on campus. We took CultureCon to HBCU campuses, so the sky is the limit.”
For more on Imani Ellis and future CultureCon events, follow on IG @CultureCon or CultureCon.com.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images