OK, so I've got a question. How many of y'all journal on a regular basis? At first, I was going to ask how many of y'all own a journal, but if you're anything like me, you've probably got three or four of 'em collecting dust somewhere in your house. For me, I think that my relationship with journaling is a lot like my relationship is with reading—I write and research so much that I don't make as much time for either as I should. That doesn't mean that I don't know that both are extremely important practices, though.
Since we're specifically talking about sex journaling today, let's explore a few reasons why journaling, in general, is such a good thing to do. Journaling helps to increase your emotional intelligence. Journaling reduces stress. Journal provides clarity. Journaling gives your innermost emotions and thoughts a voice, platform and safe space. Journaling can help you to reach your goals. Journaling can also improve your memory and vocabulary while strengthening your self-discipline in the process. Journaling can do all of that? Yep. So, apply all of these points to your sex life and imagine what sex journaling is capable of.
No matter how you feel about your sex life at the moment, I'm going to encourage you to hop on Amazon, Etsy or go to a local bookstore to pick up a fresh new journal. Devote it only to your sex life and write in it at least a couple of times a week. Aside from all of the reasons that I just provided, there are some benefits that come with sex journaling that can make how you see—and perform—sex better than ever before. Benefits like what?
Sex Journaling Is a Great Way to Remember THE FACTS About Your Sex Life
Recently, I checked out an article on exaggeration. According to the piece, although virtually all of us do it, there are three types of exaggerating that can make life, as the article puts it, "unnecessarily dramatic"—there's overgeneralizing, there's catastrophizing (which is basically making something bigger in our minds than it actually is), and there's making snap judgments and jumping to conclusions. As I thought about the times when I've exaggerated in these ways before, I also thought about how exaggerating could be applied to my sex life. There are the guys who I thought were the absolute bomb, mostly because I had a tendency to only replay one or two times in my mind rather than our entire sexuationship. There are moments that caused me to struggle with my self-worth because I only focused on the things that I did "wrong" or average instead of taking the entire experience into account.
That's why, although some people who are close to me cringe whenever I pen an article like, "Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" (mostly because they feel like it's TMI 2.0), to me, it's like getting paid to journal. The reason why I feel that way is because writing it all out helps me to not just reflect on my feelings about my sex life, but to also put things into proper perspective as it relates to various situations and facts. When I do that, I am able to get clarity on what I did, what I would do now and what I would never do again.
Sex Journaling Can Help You to Pinpoint What Works—and What Doesn’t
Another cool thing that comes from sex journaling is it can help you to get a clear grasp of what works for you and what doesn't when it comes to the act overall, the kind of partners that you choose and various techniques and positions that you like and dislike. For instance, one of the couples that I used to work with, the wife was always talking about how her husband didn't please her like some of her past partners had. But whenever I would ask her to explain, she would look at me like, "What do you mean? Didn't I just tell you enough?" Actually, you didn't. Was it that you were more attracted to your past partners? Was the foreplay more pleasurable for you? Are there certain positions that you preferred that you're not experiencing now? How did you feel about your body at the time? What do you wish your partner would do more of and less of? If you're not having enough orgasms, are you faking them? What did your exes do that your partner isn't?
When you're out here generalizing your sex life, it's hard to come up with a plan for how to improve it. By asking yourself questions like the ones that I just mentioned and then writing the answers down, that can help you to better strategize what you want your sex life to be like; it can reveal what works and what doesn't in a very real and documented kind of way. It can give you a reference point that you can always go back to when needed.
Sex Journaling Is an Awesome Way to Mentally Stimulate You and Your Partner
Did you know that another benefit that comes from journaling is it can help you to get a better night's rest? If you and your partner make it a point to write down some of your favorite memories and experiences with one another, man—talk about the ultimate kind of bedtime story. Sex journaling can be a wonderful form of foreplay too because, if you both commit to reading some of your entries out loud to one another, that can bring your minds back to times that you want to repeat; hopefully as soon as possible.
While we're on this particular point, who said that this only has to happen when you're in bed with one another. Transcribe an entry and then shoot it in email or a part of it in a text while your partner is at work or out of town. Reading (or re-reading) the moments that both of you have enjoyed together can truly be the ultimate kind of aphrodisiac. Straight up.
Sex Journaling Can Serve As a Place of Revelation and Healing
Since every 73 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted, there is a huge chance that you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual abuse, assault or some sort of sex-related trauma. Keeping that in mind, it's not uncommon that when a counselor or therapist is dealing with a client who has been affected by something sexually traumatic that they will recommend they journal about it. Journaling has a way of helping you to confront what you've been through, to process it and to address it in a kind of open and uncensored way that you might not feel comfortable doing any other way. Journaling is able to give your pain a voice while validating your feelings about it at the same time.
With all of the stuff that I've been through, sometimes even I'm amazed that I haven't lost my mind. But when I'm able to look back on things I've written like "If You Have To Wonder If It Was Rape, It Was", I am able to see where I was vs. where I am. I am also able to establish the kind of boundaries that I need to set, moving forward and, more than anything, heal because, thanks to writing about the things that I've been through, my pain has not been silenced. Or ignored.
Sex Journaling Can Help You to Set Future Sex-Related Goals
Some of the happiest people on the planet are the ones who are constantly setting bars and reaching them, only to set more. That said, another benefit that can come from sex journaling is jotting down the kind of short-term and long-term sex-related goals that you want to achieve. Do you want to have more orgasms? Do you want to make more fantasies come true? Maybe you'd like to take a tour of some of the sexiest hotels that are in the country or even the world. Perhaps you want to try new sexual positions or to take greater sexual risks. Or, maybe the goal has to do with breaking some toxic patterns that have resulted in you being dissatisfied, both emotionally as well as sexually.
There is plenty of evidence to support that when we write down our goals, it is able to give us clarity and motivate us to take action. There are even studies to support the fact that you are 42 percent more likely to achieve your goals (and your dreams) if you decide to write them down. And just think—the more things that you are able to achieve, the more confidence you'll have, and the more open you'll be to add other goals to your list in the future. Sex-themed goals included.
If I've inspired you, at least a little bit, then you might wonder how much time you should devote to sex journaling in order to get the results that you want. Pulling out your journal and a pen and writing about 15-20 minutes a couple of times a week should just about do it. Just make sure that it's when the atmosphere is quiet and when the space that you're in puts you in a sensual frame of mind. Oh, and make sure to date your entries and to replace your journals every year. Fresh year. Fresh sex perspective. Fresh sex journal. In that order.
There's no time like the present to become a healthy and happier sexual being. One of the most effective ways to do it is by committing to doing a little sex journaling. Make the time. You—and your sex life—won't regret it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What Happened When I Challenged Myself To Journal More For Two Weeks
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
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RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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