As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where women are given a platform to tell their stories in the first-person narrative, as told to a writer.
This is Amoya Shante's story, as told to Sheriden Chanel.
When I decided to uproot my life, move to Mexico, and leave everything I knew behind, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. My business was failing, my dating life was a joke, my finances were scary, and I felt like I hit rock bottom. I craved something different. A fresh start. A new beginning. The desire to move abroad and start over grew within me like a fire and after a while, I couldn’t ignore it. Nor did I want to.
The first time I moved to Mexico was after I went through a divorce. I shed the things that did not serve me by selling all of my possessions and embarked on my Eat, Pray, Love journey with my kids in tow. Traveling was a catalyst of healing and for two and half years, I ate, I prayed, and I loved. Eventually, my journey led me back home to the United States but the seed of moving abroad to Mexico had already been planted and it would continue to bloom as I was met with feelings I felt before.
I was back at square one. I was lost, unmotivated, uninspired, burnt out, and broke, and Mexico called to me, reminding me of the healing I experienced there. I started over before, I could start over again.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
But as a single mom of three, I had hesitation. I feared Mexico originally due to the U.S. news and I was so sure that my kids would be kidnapped and harmed in some way if I went. It was through talking to other expats living in Mexico and understanding reality beyond the sensationalism of news stories that my nerves calmed a bit. Again, I sold all of my possessions and decided to take a leap of faith.
As a believer in the magic of manifestation, I believe I can do all things. I had my military retirement and an online business at the time, so I definitely still had to live paycheck to paycheck when I first moved to Mexico. But I jumped like I’ve done so many times before with faith that the universe would catch me like it always did before I fell. I set my intention, leap, and I don’t get too caught up in the 'how.' I trust and I follow that inspired action. Moving to Mexico in July 2021 was no different.
I remember arriving in Mexico at night and taking a taxi from the airport to our Airbnb which was an hour away. Everyone was so kind. I didn’t feel scared at all. Actually, I felt like I had been lied to my whole life. The energy in Mexico was different.
I felt calm, safe, and at peace.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
Those feelings would only reaffirm my decision each day that passed while living in Mexico. I was there for all of one month before meeting the love of my life. I was searching for a photographer in one of the expat groups I was in and from a list of about 60 photographers, I somehow zeroed in on his name, Julio. I don’t know why. I was drawn to him. Even then. I went to his Instagram, checked out his work, and sent him a message.
I didn't look at or check prices with any other photographer. I just felt compelled to hire him.
Upon meeting Julio for the first time, I immediately recognized him as a soul I had already known. I initially tried to ignore the feelings he gave me but he pursued me in a way I never experienced before. From the very beginning, he felt so familiar to me. It was like we were two souls that had spent many lifetimes together. My normal energy in dating was one of anxiousness and desperation but with him, there was none of that. Nothing between us was ever forced, it just flowed.
With him, I felt calm. I felt at peace.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
We had our differences. Julio is Mexican. I’m American. I’m 10 years older, he’s younger. Even still, he is easily the most emotionally mature man I’ve ever been with. In the beginning, he spoke very little English and I spoke very little Spanish. Cultural differences and language differences hit us right away. I believed the dating process meant dating multiple people until I was in an exclusive relationship, but in his culture, that is not a thing. They take dating seriously and only date one person at a time and then need to speak to their family before asking you to be their partner. After you are official, you then meet the family.
Julio pursued me from the very beginning and still does so today. I never had to wonder what he was doing or who he was with. I never had to wonder if he was going to write because the man didn’t let an hour go by without sending a message or a text. And despite the language barrier, he would also call, which wasn’t something I was used to. I knew he was the one early on because I was able to be my true self with him. I didn’t have to act in any way or overthink things. I could just be.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
For a while, I felt unworthy of love because I was a single mom. In order to be ready for the love I manifested in my relationship with Julio, I had to let go of that and develop a belief that not only was I worthy of love but I was worthy of the most amazing relationship ever. I had to develop a belief that it was safe to love again after being in an emotionally abusive marriage. Not only did I have to learn to love again in a healthy, nontoxic way but I had to learn how to love myself wholly and completely so I would show up in a relationship healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
He respected my way of dating although he did not like it and he chose to remain true to his own values of only talking to and dating one person at a time. Julio was committed to getting to know me so he wasn’t letting a language barrier get in the way. I remember traveling back to the States for two weeks after meeting Julio and him FaceTiming every night where we would talk for hours. He was getting an immersive experience with the English language. In so many ways, he taught me that if they want to, they will.
Despite our differences, we are most connected over our values. We value freedom, travel, family, and spirituality.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
Not a day goes by where I don’t feel seen. He listens to me. Not kind of listens but truly listens with his whole body and energy. He chooses our girls and me every single day and even though my three older daughters are not his, he has never made them feel any different than his own daughter. He takes care of us in every way by leading in a healthy masculine energetic way that allows my feminine energy to come out to play. I feel safe with him.
That is not something I experienced in my entire life. Feeling safe. He supports me and my vision and purpose. He is my biggest cheerleader. Julio is my balance. He keeps me grounded and calm. He is the best human I have ever met and I am so grateful to have found him again in this lifetime.
When I was at my lowest, I sought to manifest freedom, abundance, soul-aligned friendships, a business that lights me up, a chef, a nanny, a housekeeper, a villa with a pool, and of course, my soulmate. I am happy to say that within 16 months of moving to Mexico, I have manifested all of it.
Julio and I are engaged, run a six-figure business, and also welcomed our first child together, another baby girl to our family! And this is the first time I was able to enjoy newborn life because I am being fully supported and cared for.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
However, all of the rewards that are bearing fruit in this season of my life weren’t without risk and they definitely weren’t without inner work.
I invested heavily in my personal growth and self-development. A few months prior to moving to Mexico, I became certified in neuro-linguistics programming, timeline therapy, hypnotherapy, and life coaching.
I did deep inner work. I stopped treating my business as a hobby, started charging what I was worth, set up strong boundaries, and created a product that I knew worked so it would be easy to sell. I surrounded myself with people who inspired and motivated me and held me accountable to boldly live the life I saw myself.
There is always more healing and lessons to be learned but overall I am healthy, whole, and complete and now get to help others feel the same.
For more of Amoya, follow her on Instagram @amoyashante and TikTok @amoyashante. You can also join her Facebook group, Belle Aligned.
Featured image courtesy of Amoya Shante
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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