With a baby sound asleep in the next room and his two eldest kids away, Adrian Marcel finally has "me time".
Though it's mostly being spent discussing everything under the sun from his debut album to his marriage, he is unexpectedly an open book and extremely thankful—expressing his gratitude for the opportunity on more than one occasion throughout our mid-morning chat.
But perhaps what's most impressive about this Oakland-native is his dedication not only to his career but to his family as well. Boasting a successful roster of collabs that include names like The Dream, Kelly Rowland, and Raphael Saadiq, he admits that while initially his focus was just on singing and being an artist, thanks to his family, he's now come to realize that it goes much deeper than that; that the true measure of success isn't limited to just awards and accolades and that the example he sets in his career will ultimately be reflected in the lives of not only his wife but his children as well.
"With me having two daughters, I'm at a prime time where they're really soaking up everything," he tells xoNecole. "So I have to make sure that I'm selling something that I'm really with. I'm raising girls that I want to be able to pick true kings and the only way they can learn how to do that is for them to learn it from me. I want to influence them in the right way. There's a certain responsibility that we all hold and I at least want to be that representation. So I'm doing what I feel is right and I'm going to continue to rock like that."
In this exclusive chat, we talk to Adrian about his acting debut, how he balances being a father with his career, and why love doesn't have to be perfect.
Courtesy of Adrian Marcel
xoNecole: You starred in the Bobby Debarge story recently, it was your acting debut. What was that experience like?
Adrian Marcel: I got the bug now, once I got the taste for it I was like, 'This is a whole new kind of creativity.' I've been blessed for sure though, I can't complain. I think in everyone's career you have your ups and downs, but it's all about what you do with the downs. It was super dope, it was my first role so I don't really have any expectations because I didn't know what to expect. Everyone made this transition very easy, I may have been spoiled with the way everything was put together. Everybody was so welcoming, and in this industry, a lot of people can come across standoffish because they don't know where you're at or how you're taking it so walking into the first table read really set the tone honestly. Everybody meshed almost immediately.
In addition to that, you also released your album '98TH' recently. What vibe were you going for musically?
You know, at the end of last year I started my own label. I was able to step away and create my own legacy in the way I see it, and I wanted my first offering to be something for the fans who have been rocking with from the beginning. The fans who were there since I dropped my first mixtape, 7 Days A Week. I really took some time to live life, gain some new experiences, and to go back to who exactly I wanted to give to the people. 98TH was me getting back to that high school kid who was very confident and trusting in what I sell, what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to do it; 98th was the block I moved to when I first started high school, so I'm glad my team and I really stuck to what was natural and organic.
I noticed that you really emphasize the importance of love and the right relationship a lot in your music. You’re married as well. Do you find it harder to create musically as a married man and father now versus when you were single?
Not really. I never dove too far in to [a point] where I would get lost in just one thing. I've always been sort of a multi-tasker, if you will. And at the same time, my family has been where I get my inspiration from, my content, my experiences from. They've always been a part of my creative process. It's never been a problem for me to blend the two and I know that's been something that's sort of taboo in the industry. And I get it, but I think it's all about who you are, what you're looking for and what your goal is. For me, the goal isn't for me to make millions and millions of dollars and be the number one artist in the world. That's great if it does happen, it's always on the list, but what do you have when you get that?
Do you have family, love, and real people around you? I've always tried to make sure that one doesn't take over the other. Its a task, but I'm up for the challenge. As you grow, you want different things and different things entice you. But for me, I look at the legacy that I'm leaving, it goes past me. When I'm done and there are no more Grammys: who's there and how am I still moving forward? How do I still hold on to that happiness and I think it was important for me to know where that happiness was coming from, where the love was coming from, and where the passion came from; that love comes from the family and outside sources.
Courtesy of Dionne Green
"How do I still hold on to that happiness and I think it was important for me to know where that happiness was coming from, where the love was coming from, and where the passion came from; that love comes from the family and outside sources."
What initially attracted you to your wife, Danni?
What's funny is that we weren't really into each other when we first met. I was performing somewhere and she came with a mutual friend of ours and me being in that mode, I was flirting with everybody. So of course, I started flirting with her, but she was NOT giving me the time of day. But as time went on, we just started kicking it and hanging out and I think it was just how different she was. She was never really into the material things; whenever we would hang out we wouldn't be doing much of anything. She was just very interesting and it was always interesting to just watch her be who she was. It was one of those opposites attract-type things. She always remained true to herself and also, every time I was with her, something positive in my career would happen. She's my personal good luck charm. So it was really organic and it happened when it was supposed to, so that kind of sealed it for me.
I also read that your parents have been together for over 30 years. Has their relationship affected your perception of love?
I've always looked at my parents and admired the respect level that my mother had for my father and vice versa. For so long though, I saw the power in my father, you know, he's a strong Black man; everything I want to be, he is. His energy is very loud and strong. He's strong-willed, strong-minded, but I see now that the power really lies within my mother. She's really the backbone to it all. I watched my father start a business and the whole time I thought it was him, but it was really my mother who was pushing him into it. He allowed himself to really let whatever guard and walls down to let her be a woman and a queen, so I always took marriage seriously. I don't play when it comes to my woman or the jobs that I'm supposed to do: protect, provide, and love.
Courtesy of @myles_standish
"I watched my father start a business and the whole time I thought it was him, but it was really my mother who was pushing him into it. He allowed himself to really let whatever guard and walls down to let her be a woman and a queen, so I always took marriage seriously. I don't play when it comes to my woman or the jobs that I'm supposed to do: protect, provide, and love."
You’re an R&B guy, so I have to know. Do you have a go-to Mood Music playlist?
Oh for sure, I'm all about setting the mood. I've always been sort of a hopeless romantic, lighting the candles even back in the day; my mom knew she was going to have a problem. That's my thing, my favorite time is sexy time (laughs). My playlist has always been in a certain flow so like song 1-4 is where we set the tone, you spit that game, get her in the mood. After that, the next four to five records are all about the foreplay and getting into it. We're still taking our time but we might get a little aggressive. The music might get a little aggressive and then you take it down. It's all types of different artists but I'm definitely on my list. I have no problem hearing my voice, Trey Songz, Maxwell, Usher, and some old school, Marvin Gaye, Al Green, 112, Dru Hill. It's all about the vibes that's coming out of the speakers. But we're not mixing rap in there, it's definitely going to be some R&B vibes going on.
What's something you’ve learned now about love or marriage that you didn't know before?
That it's not supposed to be perfect. I was always under this impression that you get married when everything is perfect and you have everything figured out already but I've learned things will never be perfect because you never have everything all figured out. We're two different people, I don't think like my wife and she doesn't think like me. She's into certain things that I'm not into and likewise for me. And as we change, as we get older, so does the marriage—the relationship. And it's either going to change for the better if you're growing together or it's going to change for the worst if you're not, but it's never going to be what you want it to be. It's always going to be what it's supposed to be for you. That just makes more room for growth; you always have to know what you're fighting for. It won't be perfect and that's okay because now you know you're still working for something.
"I was always under this impression that you get married when everything is perfect and you have everything figured out already but I've learned things will never be perfect because you never have everything all figured out. We're two different people, I don't think like my wife and she doesn't think like me."
Last thing, what's the biggest difference between the Adrian at the beginning of your career and relationship and the Adrian now?
The Adrian at the beginning was more susceptible and open for outsiders to come in and direct. But now, I'm in this zone where I understand me, I understand everything around me. I understand why things have happened and do happen the way they do. I am very in tune with my spirituality and everything that has to do with me; there are no more questions now. Before, when I was younger, there was a lot of 'Should I be doing this, should I be doing that?' But now I'm completely living in the now; I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not doing what I'm not supposed to be doing, I'm with who I'm supposed to be with. I'm able to be Adrian Marcel, give my passion the full time and energy [it deserves], but at the same time, make sure that the career doesn't affect my wife and my kids and how they think and feel. And that's the only way for me to succeed the way I know I'm meant to.
98TH is available to stream everywhere now and to keep up with Adrian, be sure to follow him on Instagram @AdrianMarcel.
Featured image by @myles_standish.
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A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images
