I don't know about you, but with every passing birthday, it seems like 24-hour days get shorter and shorter. It's almost like once noon rolls around, it's a wrap for the day, because 7 p.m. is gonna come at me quick, fast, and in a hurry. Since I barely have time to do what I need to get done on my mental checklist, it can be even harder to squeeze in a "What's up, fam?" convo with one of my peeps, no matter how much they might cross my mind throughout the day. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm over here single with no kids. Most of my friends are married and/or parents which makes scheduling quality time that much more difficult for them to do.
The solution? Dates. Literally going out on dates with my homies because, no matter how many good vibes, texts, or emails I may send their way, in order to properly nurture my connection with them, quality time is required; in many ways, just like a romantic relationship needs it. Because when you think about the purpose of dating overall, isn't getting some quality time what it's all about?
If you're reading this and saying, "I feel you, Shellie, but I'm not sure it takes all that", do yourself and your friendships a favor. At least skim the five reasons why I think it's important to schedule some date time with your girls (and guys), at least one day a month (if you can). I think you'll see why I wholeheartedly believe that your friendships will remain so much healthier if you do.
Dating Is About Scheduling “Intentional Time”
GiphyOne of my closest girlfriends has a crazy schedule. She is married with a child, has a full-time job and is a part of a billion different clubs and organizations. When it comes to my married friends, it's a personal rule of mine to not do much nighttime calling; I feel that should be reserved for them and their family. This leaves maybe talking to her on her way to work or during her lunch break. Needless to say, trying to get some quality time in is a big time challenge. That's why we try and schedule dates.
Whenever we get together for dinner and/or a movie, it's kinda cute how giddy we are. She lets her household know what she's doing so that she can set her phone to vibrate. That way, we can catch up without interruptions. It really is like making up for lost time. Plus, when we get a couple of hours in, it can "tie us over" for six weeks or so. It's a great way to reconnect so that neither one of us ends up feeling neglected in between hectic schedules and busy lives.
You Can Learn More of Each Other’s Likes/Dislikes
Earlier this year, I penned an article entitled "This Is How to Apply Love Languages to Your Friendships". I think it's an important thing to do because even friends need to learn how to express love for one another in a way that they are able to feel it the most. Well, one of the ways that you and your friends can tap into one another's love languages is going on dates that specifically center around them. For instance, if you are a quality time person, one date can focus on the two of you meeting for drinks at a rooftop bar or restaurant. Or, if your friend is primarily a gifts person, the two of you can go to a place that teaches you both how to make pottery or jewelry.
Something that I've personally learned while dating some of my friends is doing so encourages me to not be so passive when it comes to them. It reminds me that they deserve a little creativity and forethought. By trying out new restaurants or venues, we're both able to learn more about what we like and what we don't. By doing that, we are able to learn more about one another's personalities overall. Being proactive, in this way, always brings us closer.
You’re Both Able to Get “Off of the Clock”
When's the last time you were on the phone with, pretty much anyone, and you did absolutely nothing else? The last time I was able to do that was on my birthday, and it was totally on purpose. Where I'm going with this is, contrary to the popular belief that a lot of us women have, NO ONE is able to do more than two things at once and do them extremely well. This means that even when we're chatting with our friends and washing dishes or cleaning our room, we're not able to give them the full attention that they truly deserve.
Another benefit that comes from going on a date with your friends is you can get away from the demands of your hectic lifestyle. The two of you can chill out, relax and really listen to what you're saying and where you're coming from.
This point is a reminder that dating your friends is not only good for the friendship, it can do wonders for your stress levels as well.
It’s the Opportunity to Treat One Another
GiphyAlthough it took me a while to get there, I have some pretty stellar friends in this season of my life. One example is a friend of mine who, when I lost one of my main paying gigs, out of nowhere, he PayPal'ed me $400. No, he didn't loan it; he gave it (and without me asking for it). Life comes at you fast. About three months later, he lost his job. His anniversary was coming up and so I offered to get him and his wife a really nice room at a vineyard. I was more than happy to do it because when he had it, he gave; when I had it, I returned the favor. That's what friends do.
I get that none of us always have hundreds of bucks lying around to lavish our friends with. But a date is another way to treat them—to show them how much you love and appreciate them. It can consist of treating them to dinner, hanging out at a local museum, going to a concert, spending time at a local coffeehouse or bookstore, paying for you both to get a pedicure—idea-wise, the sky is the limit! Whatever it is, without even knowing your friends, I can tell you that by calling them up and saying, "Let's meet up for a bit", it will warm their soul. Just by the mere (proactive) thought alone.
You Can Do Signature “Y’all Stuff”
A lot of us are familiar with the C.S. Lewis quote, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" When I think about all of my friends, each of us like to do things together that no one else really "gets". I get with one of my friends to eat chicken wings and ice cream (not necessarily in that order). One of my other friends and I watch period films and The Little House on the Prairie reruns (Michael Landon as Charles Ingalls was fine; you betta ask somebody!). Another friend of mine, we can discuss politics, music and gossip blogs until the cows come home. One of my closest male friends, we like to try new random stuff.
If I got all of these folks together, they would probably only tolerate the things that I like to do with only one of them. And that's my point.
Another beautiful benefit of dating your friends is you both can do the kind of stuff that no one else would appreciate but y'all. You don't have to explain, justify, or rush. You can just celebrate the fact that you've got someone who "gets you" in the way that they do and spend a couple of hours together relishing in that very fact.
So yeah, date your friends, y'all. It's one of the best things that you can do to keep your friendship healthy, thriving, and long-lasting. I can certainly vouch for that.
Featured image by Giphy.
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“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
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"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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