"Chemistry is showing affection; a connection is developing an attachment."— Debbie Pfisterer
Aight. So, if you're someone who skims articles in order to get the overall gist, the quote that you just read pretty much sums up what I'm about to share. For the most part, if you want to know the difference between having chemistry with someone vs. knowing that there is a surefire connection, chemistry is what starts a bond, while compatibility is what establishes it and keeps it going.
The Difference Between Chemistry and Compatibility
Well, if that basically explains everything, why do I feel it's necessary to go even deeper? Mostly it's because, it's been my experience and observation that, a lot of us have been so used to defining how deep and real our feelings are for someone by our initial attraction to them that we don't even recognize that we should scratch beneath the surface; that there is so much more that comes with being into someone than attraction, lust or even being sexually in sync.
Believe me, I'm sharing this thanks to hindsight wisdom. Hmph. I don't know about you, but back in the day, there were some men that I had some pretty amazing chemistry with who you couldn't pay me to stand behind them in a grocery store line, let alone entertain connecting with them now. I'd venture to say that I would've never slept with them at all if I had known the real difference between chemistry and compatibility at the time.
But when you know better, you do better. And that is why, these days, I find chemistry to be the icing on a "relationship cake," but compatibility is what matters most of all.
What Is Chemistry in a Relationship?
What chemistry actually feels like
Chemistry: the interaction of one personality with another; sympathetic understanding; rapport; any or all of the elements that make up something
A while back, I penned a piece on here entitled "My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'." While my interaction with a few different men brought me to that particular a-ha moment, in the context of this piece, there's one guy, in particular, who immediately comes to mind. Have you ever known a man who you wish that you were into? He's a wonderful human being, he's totally into you and, to a certain degree, you like him. But still, something is…off. Something just doesn't seem to click. That's how I felt about a guy—I'll call him Robert.
Robert was one of the men in my life who would give me the world; I know that because he told me so. Many times over. But whenever people who knew how he felt about me would say that I was turning him down because "I didn't know what's good for me," my response would be, "I'd marry Robert tomorrow if I never had to sleep with him. Like, ever." It wasn't even that Robert isn't a handsome guy. It's just…he's not my type and there wasn't any chemistry.
From the very first time that I met him, there were no sparks, my heart didn't jump and I didn't wonder what it would be like to kiss him, or anything else for that matter. He was cool, but I didn't feel any real rapport. And so, even though he had a crush for many years, all I have ever seen him as is a friend. No matter how much I tried, that never has and never will change. Why is that?
There's a Harvard study on lust, attraction, and companionship that says, the reason why some of the people immediately get "friend zoned" by us is that, when there is an attraction to someone, the natural sex hormones estrogen and testosterone tend to kick in. Then, if we engage that individual, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin increases within us as well. All of this is a part of the reason why we see certain people and giggle, blush, and/or fantasize. When that doesn't transpire, while an attachment can still happen, it's more like one that we would have with our family, not a significant other.
Still, chemistry is about more than mere lust. It's also about being drawn to another individual as they are being drawn to you.
So, what are the indications that you actually do have strong chemistry with another person? Aside from physical attraction, chemistry is about how you and someone else interact with one another—you tend to banter well with each other; you have a lot of "You too?" moments; you share similar values; you also have similar senses of humor—all in all, you "get" each other in a way that you both feel and others can clearly sense.
If I were to bring in an analogy, it's like, if I were to make some chocolate chip cookies, chemistry would be the mixing of all the right ingredients. In theory, thanks to chemistry, a great "love cookie" should come from it. But there are some things that compatibility offers that not enough chemistry in the world can provide—mainly maturity, responsibility, intent, and time.
What Is Compatibility in a Relationship?
How to tell you’re truly compatible with someone
Compatibility: capable of existing or living together in harmony; able to exist together with something else; consistent; congruous
Harmony. Existing together. Consistency. I was just watching a rerun of A Different World a couple of days ago. It was the episode where Whitley recently started seeing senatorial candidate Byron Douglas III, she wanted closure with Dwayne and so she called him over to her place. Then she ended up sleeping with him.
Even all these years later, there are debates about that Bermuda love triangle. While I'm personally glad that Dwayne and Whitley finally got their stuff together (because, for one thing, if you have to convince yourself to be with someone, like Whitley attempted to do with Byron, they are not the one), we've even had articles on the site where writers have voiced other perspectives (see "Dwayne & Whitley Were Never Relationship Goals").
Shoot, I even find it hilarious how one writer penned a piece, a decade ago, inquiring if Dwayne and Whitley are even legally married (because, if you recall, Dwayne crashed Whitley's wedding to Byron so, clearly they had no marriage license…hmm).
Okay, but I'm getting a bit off track here. The reason why I'm even bringing them up is because, in the episode that I just referred to, after sex, Dwayne said (paraphrasing), "Come on, Whitley. We never had problems in the bedroom. It's the other rooms that we couldn't seem to handle." That—that right there? That is the difference between chemistry and compatibility.
Not knowing or accepting this fact is what tends to get a lot of us into trouble. We think that just because we've got chemistry with someone that it automatically means we're compatible with them. But the raw truth of the matter is that's simply not the case; not even close.
If you are not co-existing in a state of harmony and—please don't underestimate—consistency, there can be all of the chemistry in the world but compatibility is severely lacking.
When you're compatible with someone:
- Things are stable, healthy, and balanced.
- You trust each other completely.
- You desire the same things in a relationship.
- Drama is at a minimum.
- Physical intimacy is not the sole driving force.
- You communicate and compromise well together.
- You enjoy being together, but you also know how to be apart.
- Loving one another is important but liking one another is pivotal too.
- You're headed in the same life direction.
- You both want a future with one another.
All in all, if chemistry is about the ingredients that go into a love cookie, compatibility would be like the stove that brings everything together. A stove heats things up to show what they are really made of. A stove takes time. A stove turns the ingredients of something into what we want the ingredients to ultimately become.
As I was reading another writer's take on chemistry vs. compatibility, I internally chuckled when he wrote, "Compatibility is a natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values between two people. A priest and a stripper have a major incompatibility and I doubt many end up dating each other. That's compatibility."
Why You Need Both Chemistry and Compatibility
In theory, he's right but the main bottom line is, before you decide to transition from chemistry to compatibility, you need to be honest with yourself and one another about if you can live in harmony with one another's lifestyle, values, and principles. If you can, you are probably compatible. If you can't, don't stress yourself out by trying to turn chemistry into compatibility. Make sense?
Bottom line—chemistry is important. If it wasn't, I'd be in a sexless marriage with Robert right about now. But don't make life-altering decisions based on chemistry alone. See where compatibility fits in.
If it's lacking, please don't settle. If you've got both, after some premarital counseling, send me a wedding invite because when you've got both, you've got something truly special. An entire love cookie, if you will. Beautiful. Awesome. Delicious.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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That’s why, over the years, I’ve been intentional about figuring out ways to get more agua into my body without feeling like it’s a chore or something to dread. And now, I want to pass some of those hacks on to you, just in case you happen to totally relate to where I am coming from.
If something that you want to do more of right through here is get extra H2O into your system, here are 10 tips that can absolutely help to make that possible.
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1. Invest in a Fun Water Bottle
There’s a far greater chance that you are going to drink water if you have a water bottle around you. So, cop yourself a cute one — one that will help you to stay motivated. A tumbler that I purchased some time back, just because I thought it was cute as hell, simply says, “Make Better Coochie Decisions” (amen?-LOL). Honestly, that doesn’t just have to apply to sex but how you treat your vagina overall — and that includes making sure that “she” has all of the fluids that she needs.
2. Try Some Sparkling Water or Mineral Water
At this point, I should take stock in Waterloo. It currently is my favorite kind of sparkling water and it has definitely made getting more water into my system easier to do. That’s because I will add some limes to it or a bit of fruit juice to it and that makes drinking water less “meh” for me. Another type of water that has bubbles in it is sparkling mineral water; it can also be beneficial since it contains magnesium, potassium and calcium.
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3. Go Halfsies with Your Other Drinks of Choice
Speaking of making some all-natural soda (which is basically what happens when you add juice to sparkling water or sparkling mineral water), you can find yourself drinking more water while consuming less calories if you fill up your glass with half of your favorite fruit juice and half of some sparkling water. More times than not, the juice doesn’t even taste watered down. Try it before you doubt me.
4. Collect Some Infused Water Recipes
I’m forever gonna be a fan of infused water; that’s because it’s water that has fresh fruits and/or veggies in them — and it doesn’t get any healthier than that. Plus, infused water tends to take on the taste of whatever fruits or vegetables that you put into the water (if you let the stuff soak for a couple of hours), so that the water doesn’t taste so boring and bland. Wanna try a few recipes? You can check out some here and here.
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5. Make Slushies Instead of Smoothies
Are you someone who enjoys consuming smoothies? Well, if you want to get more water into your system, how about going with a slushie instead? Although it is true that some smoothies have water as a base, the most bomb ones use milk (or a milk alternative) or yogurt. Slushies, on the other hand, typically go with crushed ice (which is frozen water) instead. That said, some (pardon the pun) cool slushy recipes can be found here, here and here.
6. Use Water As Your “Drink Chaser”
Another great thing about water is it can help to keep you from overeating; it does that by causing you to feel full if you drink it while you are eating. And speaking of calorie-counting, if you don’t want to give up your favorite drink at mealtime, one way to keep from downing 2-3 glasses of it at a time is to use water as your “chaser.” What I mean by that is, after enjoying a glass of your favorite beverage, “chase it down” with a glass of water. That should satisfy your want for what you want without overdoing it.
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7. Eat Foods That Are High in Water Content
Another way to get more water into your body is to eat foods that have a ton of water in them. Some that top the list include lettuce (96 percent); cucumber (95 percent); zucchini (95 percent); celery (95 percent); strawberries (91 percent); cantaloupe (90 percent), and peaches (89 percent).
8. Have a Ball with Your Ice Cubes
Ice cubes are frozen water, right? That’s why most of us prefer to enjoy our drinks before the ice cubes melt because melted cubes water down whatever it is that we are consuming. And so, for this very reason, add more ice cubes to your drinks — and have fun making them. You can add juice, fruit and/or mint leaves while making your cubes. That way, they are aesthetically-pleasing; plus, they will also add more flavor to your water once the ice cubes actually melt.
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9. Add Some Non-Alcohol Cordial to Your Water
If you’re fine with just having a tad of taste in your water, why not add a bit of cordial to it? Cordial is simply a type of tonic, syrup or sweetener (that can contain alcohol or not) that can help to make your water more…interesting. Some alcohol-based cordials can be found here. Some non-alcoholic recipes are located here.
10. Technically, Herbal Tea Counts
Tea is always gonna be my thing. That’s why I’ve penned articles on it for the site like “10 Different Ways Herbal Teas Can Fit Into Your Beauty Regimen”, “10 'Uncommon' Teas You Should Add To Your Stash (& Why)” and “I've Got 10 Teas That Will Help You To Age (Even More) Gracefully” And y’all, if you want to get a lot more water into your system yet a tall glass of water only isn’t your — pardon the pun — cup of tea, make some iced herbal tea instead.
It’s basically water with some herbs tossed in and, if you add some honey or raw organic coconut palm sugar to it, it will be a really sweet treat that will still be extremely hydrating (and very healthy) for you.
Water that is a bit more exciting for you…now. LOL.
Drink up!
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