Y'all, you don't even have to say it. With as much time as I devote to studying the topic of sex, on a pretty consistent basis, even I have moments when I will stumble across a concept that leaves me a bit stumped. Although it has indeed been a while since I've partaken of the beautiful act known as coitus, my memory is still quite keen. And while some sex was better than others (see "What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?"), I generally didn't have problems achieving orgasms (also see "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP"). Annnnd, from what I can recall, all of them were pretty damn good.
That's why, when I checked out an article that was recently featured on Health's website and I noticed that it was exploring the entire concept of what a "bad orgasm" actually is, you know a sista was super intrigued. I'd be baffled if at least a few of you aren't too. So, just what is a bad orgasm, you ask?
What in the World Is a “Bad Orgasm”?!
OK, so there is a study that was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, right? If you want to read it in its entirety, you can do so by clicking here. Just a heads up, it's long and technical, so if you want a general concept of what it revealed, it's this. After surveying approximately 726 different people, the researchers came to the conclusion that we are capable of having orgasms that aren't all that pleasurable. And, if we continue to have them, they are able to create negative impacts on our relationships, our psychological health and our sexuality overall.
For the record, while the study did also delve into what happens to people when they have orgasms during sex when it is not consensual (because sometimes our bodies mechanically respond to sexual stimuli no matter how much our minds and emotions aren't into it), the part of the study that was featured in Health's article is referring to the kind when both parties agree to "do it".
And just what kind of sex is consensual, brings forth an orgasm and still the orgasm is considered to be bad? That's a really good question. Let me answer that by offering up more questions. Have you ever had sex with your partner in order to avoid having a difficult conversation or disagreement that you didn't want to get into? Have you over "pushed yourself" to climax in order to give your partner the impression that you are just as satisfied as they appear to be? Have you ever had an orgasm with someone, whether it was via oral sex or intercourse, and the overall experience felt kind of empty because the emotional connection simply wasn't there (whether that's ever or at a particular time)? Perhaps you don't have a problem with "getting there", but the sex and climax ends up being borderline painful because you're not wet enough or the way that you are being penetrated isn't as comfortable as you are generally accustomed to. Has that ever happened to you before?
Dayum. When you look at it this way, you're probably thinking, "Whoa. I've been having way more 'bad orgasms' than I ever should have been." The researchers agree and that is the overall purpose for why they are trying to get us to grasp on to the concept of what a bad orgasm is. They want us to realize that, when it comes to having truly great sex, there needs to be more focus on "great" and less on "orgasm"; especially since, for the most part, orgasms are merely a physical reaction to sexual stimulation.
Not to say that our minds and hearts can't help to make climaxing easier (especially for women), but if after you "reach the mountaintop", you basically feel like you actually would've preferred doing something like clean your fridge, clip your toenails or even just avoided your partner altogether…does that sound like good sex to you? Exactly. That technically would qualify as being a bad orgasm. (Bad sex too when you really stop to think about it.)
How Do Good Orgasms vs. Bad Orgasms Compare to One Another?
The more I gave bad orgasms some thought, my mind went back to a lot of the conversations that I've had with women—both online and off—about how sex for them is "just OK". It's not because they aren't attracted to their partner or that he is lacking in his abilities; it's because they just don't feel as into the experience as they want to be. One woman, in particular, she recently shared with me that, while she climaxes on a very consistent basis, she wants no kissing, no cuddling and she actually wants to get the heck up out of dodge within 10 minutes of the act being over. Not just some of the time. Pretty much most of the time. Yeah, now that I know what a bad orgasm is, I think that she definitely falls under the umbrella of it.
Adding to her sexual experiences, because word definitions are a big deal to me, I revisited what "good" and "bad" mean. When something is good, it's high quality. It's also morally excellent, kind and beneficial. Some synonyms for good include positive, satisfying, wonderful, pleasing, welcome, gratifying and agreeable. Sit on those for a moment, would you?
Taking all of this into account, I then thought about a guy I know who tells me all of the time that, during the act of sex, he keeps walls up with his partners because—and this is a direct quote—"I am not there to bond with them. I am there to perform a service." Bless his heart. He said that, not because he's a jerk; it's basically because he goes into the act with "make them cum" on the brain—that is all that he's really focused on. That is all that he is actually trying to achieve—you make me orgasm, I'll make you orgasm. Have a nice day. It's not a connection. It's merely transactional. A lot of casual sex is just like this. Whew. This concept of bad orgasms is getting bigger and bigger the more I think about it.
And that, that made me think about what the word "bad" means. I don't know about you but, whenever I usually think about it, I think about something (or someone) being wicked, evil or morally void. But did you know that something that is defective is also bad? So is something that is deficient, inferior in quality or—get this—"lacking skill or talent". Some synonyms for the word "bad" include cheap, blah, amiss, careless, substandard, offensive and just plain off.
So, in putting all of this together, if an orgasm is truly good, it's going to come from having a positive, satisfying, welcome and beneficial experience. You will be able to look back on the act and the climax about being able to apply all of these words. On the flip side, if the orgasm is bad, it's going to feel like the experience was deficient in some way. It might also feel cheap, blah…maybe even something went down that was amiss or slightly offended you.
Or, after your partner got off of you (or you got off of him), in your mind you thought, "I mean I came and, while I can't quite put my finger on it, something is…off." If you can say that, my dear, you've just had what is known as a bad orgasm.
That's the bad news. The good news is this—the cool thing about this entire concept is, now we can put a name to why sometimes sex "does what it is supposed to do" in the general sense, but we're still not walking away feeling as content as we actually should. Bottom line, it's because not all orgasms are equal. Some are good. Some are bad. And that's because some benefit our entire being while others…don't.
Yeah, I can only imagine how many people you're gonna share this idea with. While you're at it, forward this article to your partner to see what his thoughts are on the notion. Sex is simply too incredible to be out here thinking that, so long as you have an orgasm, it should be enough for you. Naw sis. If that orgasm isn't good—by every definition of the word "good"—then it is bad. And you deserve more than to be out here settling for bad orgasms. Feel me? Chile, I know that you do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm
How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time
My First Orgasm Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
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Unmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
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Okay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
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If off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
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A friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
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It’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
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I once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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