Actor Vaughn Hebron Loves A Woman With Depth & Intelligence
Vaughn Hebron may be one of the leads of BET's hit series, The Oval, but the Baltimore-bred actor is the perfect leading man off- and on-screen. Though he plays Bartholomew "Barry" Hallsen, a young father to daughter Callie and son of the esteemed White House butler, Hebron's chiseled physique and abs for days are a tempting distraction from any lines he might be reading.
The Lafayette College alumnus attended his alma mater on a partial scholarship for Division I football where he became an active member of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity. After graduation, he pursued a short career in pharmaceuticals, and in January 2017, he decided to give acting a shot by moving to Los Angeles. Who would've thought that two short years and a push of encouragement from his stepfather later, he would be booked as a series regular on one of the leading shows on BET?
xoNecole caught up with the actor about physical health as a factor in attractiveness, why he didn't date while he was in college, and his thoughts on the relationship between mother and son being a reflection of how a man will treat a woman. Take a look at our conversation below!
xoNecole: How do you believe Barry has evolved since we met him in the first season?
Vaughn Hebron:The Oval for Barry started like a regular day just going to help his father out at the White House—something that he's always done. He thought it was going to be a regular night and then he gets accused of rape, which is something he's never obviously encountered before, especially in a place that was so familiar to him. He managed to get off even though his life was almost ruined. Literally, within one day, his whole life just flipped and changed. As a young man, he was trying to better himself, get his own place, and out of his parents' spot just so he could grow into his manhood and be independent.
Pretty much until the end of the season, he's dealing with blow after blow of his reality being shattered, his baby being taken, and the people that he thought would be on his side really not showing the support he thought. That's what makes him lash out a lot and makes him do some reckless things. You start to see where a good guy—when faced with a lot of extreme adversity and hardship in such a short period—just cracks under all of that pressure.
Related to romance, in what ways do you feel you connect with Barry's story?
Well, I don't have baby-mama drama, thankfully. If I ever did, I'm hoping that she's not part of a crazy cult that's kidnapping kids and stuff. I surely hope not, but it's Hollywood so you never know (laughs). I think Sharon reminds him so much of his mother, and I understand trying to find your mother in your spouse and trying to find those good qualities that really love about your mother. At the same time, as Sharon talks about throughout the season, she never really had a close relationship with Barry's daughter. Barry and the way he lashed out at his mother is the same way he lashes out at Sharon a few times when he just can't trust any woman (laughs).
I have way better luck with women than Barry does. I do believe that he genuinely wanted the world with Sharon and wanted to be a good father. It's sad that extreme circumstances can really affect everything and everybody around you.
Speaking of mothers, I was always taught that you can tell a lot about how a man’s going to treat you based on how he treats his mother. How true do you find that to be?
I don't know if that's always true because mothers—as much as we love them and they're a God-sent blessing—they're not always perfect. Sometimes a mother can do something that really affects the relationship that she has with her son. I think the way that a man respects his mother and holds her in regard is what you can expect, yes. [However,] just because they don't have the best relationship doesn't mean that's gonna reflect in a relationship that a woman will have with a man.
My mother and I—of course, she's still my mother—but at this point, we kind of have more like a big sister-little brother relationship. We joke, laugh, and talk to each other like we really grew up together (laughs). It's so funny because that's my friend, and of course, I would never disrespect her or anything like that, but I will still have a real conversation and banter with her in a way some people might not ever go back and forth with their mother. That's just the relationship that we have with each other.
I think you have to gauge that and I don't always think it's a reflection. You know if he doesn't respect or at least know how to talk to his mother, then he might not know how to talk to you as a woman.
You’re the oldest of nine siblings. What has being this taught you about love and patience that can be translated into relationships?
What being the oldest has probably taught me the most is that everybody matures, grows, and comes into their maturation and who they are in their own time. What works for somebody or what standard that somebody has for themselves isn't going to be the same standard for everybody else. For me, by the time I graduated, I went straight into the workforce and I was pretty independent. I was also independent in college. For my brothers, it either took them a longer time to graduate or after they graduated, they moved back in with our parents. Everybody had a different standard of where their life was going to lead them and what they were going to do with themselves.
When it comes to relationships, it taught me that the standard you might've had for your ex, somebody you used to talk to or any other situation, you can't always bring that to this new person. You have to gauge where they are and see if where they are works for you or not, but you can't really compare them or try to hold somebody else to a standard where somebody else was at, especially if it didn't work for you. That kills me sometimes. A lot of times people will be like, 'I'm used to this. I'm used to a man doing this. I'm used to a man saying this," and I'll be like, "Well, are you still with that person?' (laughs). If it didn't work for you and if it didn't work out, why are you comparing this to something that didn't work?
"When it comes to relationships, it taught me that the standard you might've had for your ex, somebody you used to talk to or any other situation, you can't always bring that to this new person. You have to gauge where they are and see if where they are works for you or not, but you can't really compare them or try to hold somebody else to a standard where somebody else was at, especially if it didn't work for you."
Rowan Daly
That's definitely true. If it didn’t work back then and you keep trying to make that work, chances are that it may not work. Let’s just hang that up.
Yeah, everybody moves in a different way. Everybody has their own beat that they dance to. All you have to do is see if it works for you or if it doesn't. Trying to compare and hold somebody else to a standard that they don't even think about, I find it to be less effective most of the time.
You mentioned that straight out of college, you started working. How would you compare dating in college to dating while you’re working out in the real world?
Honestly, I didn't really date like that in college. I was on the football team, then I pledged and became a Que so dating wasn't really in the cards for me in college because I had other priorities. I would say if I did get close to somebody in college, we did little things like go to the movies, go out to eat here or there or we would hang out on campus. Everything was carefree and I don't think we were really looking towards the future with things back in college.
I've always dated older women, too, to be honest with you so when I graduated and started working, the women I dated after that just seemed to know where they were going or they knew what they were trying to work toward. It was one of those things where if I wasn't helping them, or if I wasn't on the same page, it probably wasn't gonna work out. They weren't really just trying to chill out and be casual with things. They were like, 'Look, if we ain't building toward a relationship or something more than just us hanging out, it's not for me.'
Dating after college became something like seriously dating, building, and progressing and not just a relationship where it's like, "This is my girlfriend and we do girlfriend-boyfriend stuff." We make each other better and we're working toward something long-term. The standards and the expectations went up.
What are the top lessons that the entertainment industry has taught you about dating?
The No. 1 lesson that I've learned out here is people have different priorities and you have to know what those priorities are before you take them seriously. What I mean by that is coming from Baltimore—the East Coast—everybody seems to be on the same wave. You graduate college, you go get a job, you become successful in that job, you find a woman, you make her your wife, and then y'all live happily ever after with your big house, some equity, some investments, and some kids. That's what everybody was on where I was from.
Over here, people have different priorities because people don't move to L.A. to get married. They move to L.A. to become movie stars, actresses, the next biggest model, or the next big R&B singer. Everyone has different priorities when it comes to being out here, so you have to know that before getting involved with somebody. Even if they say they're open to a relationship, if their actions show that you are not a priority and their job, clout, or image is a bigger priority, that's something that you have to make sure you understand so you don't end up getting hurt. You can't just assume that because somebody says they want a relationship—or they're acting like they want a relationship —means that they really want a relationship.
You’re also recognized for being really smart. You graduated with degrees in Economics and Business and a minor in Africana Studies. How important is it to you that a woman has brains?
It's very important to me because I love intelligence. I love a woman who's witty and smart, and because I'm a person that loves intelligence, I like going back and forth with people and having good conversations, debates and exchanges of thought. That's intimate to me. It can be very intimate, actually. That's one of the things that I cherish and appreciate when I talk to someone. If I can't have a real conversation with you and talk to you about some deep stuff, then it's just not going anywhere.
To add to that, one of the biggest things that I also appreciate is when somebody can teach me something and can add onto the knowledge I have and get me to think about things in a different way. If she's not intelligent, always learning or growing herself, or developing personally, she wouldn't be able to do that for me if she's not working on herself individually. I think that goes for anybody. If you're not bettering yourself and if you're not constantly feeding your mind and soul—pouring into yourself—how can you pour into somebody else? Intelligence and wit is something I value a lot when it comes to women.
Rowan Daly
"If she's not intelligent, always learning or growing herself, or developing personally, she wouldn't be able to do that for me if she's not working on herself individually. I think that goes for anybody. If you're not bettering yourself and if you're not constantly feeding your mind and soul—pouring into yourself—how can you pour into somebody else? Intelligence and wit is something I value a lot when it comes to women."
You’re not just brains. You’re also brawn! On your IG, we see the arms, abs and in 'GQ South Africa', you talked about fitness and working out.
A little bit, a little bit (laughs).
No, you do it. Don’t flex! How does working out and physical fitness play a role when you’re looking for a woman?
It plays a big role and it's probably gonna be the first thing I see. The physical appearance is probably the first thing I'm attracted to—it is what it is. I'm not saying she has to look like Beyonce or J.Lo, but I definitely need a woman who takes care of herself physically. If I'm putting so much time and energy into my body—and I'm not saying you have to do what I do— and you're not making sure you're not on top of your own body, physical fitness, and mental health, then there's gonna be an issue.
When it comes to diet, it plays a role in a lot of things—your mental health, how tired you are, your sexual health. Fitness is a universal thing, so I have to make sure you're on it because I'm going to be on it. Luckily I'm in an industry where they take their physical health and appearance pretty seriously, and it's L.A.. More often than not, I meet women who are already working out and taking care of themselves, so that's been a good thing.
You put in your Instagram bio that you are an “intellectual bad boy”. If you could put your perfect woman in three words, what would it be?
Wow, I really said that? (Laughs.) Intelligent, committed, and priceless. Oh yeah, that's a good one.
For more of Vaughn Hebron, follow him on Instagram or catch him on Tyler Perry's The Oval on BET.
*Some answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.
Featured photo courtesy of Rowan Daly
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images