Take a moment to think about who you consider your friends to be. I'm not talking about who you're connected to on social media or the folks that you're cool with and speak to every once in a while. I'm referring to the individuals who you tell your deepest secrets to, the ones who will not only loan but will give you fifty bucks when times are tight. The people who will sit up on the phone with you through a break-up, have encouraged you every time you've taken a calculated risk and affirms you every chance they get. Who are those folks?
It has taken me years—decades, really—to figure out who my true friends are. Do you know what the bump-and-bruises of discovery have taught me? A good friend is one of God's greatest gifts and a bad "friend"? They are about the most destructive and disappointing thing that can ever happen to a human being.
Know what else I learned? A lot of us could be spared the drama of faux friends if we set standards of expectation before we give someone the privilege of the title. And while the list I'm about to share isn't a concrete definitive one, let's just say that since I made sure these things checked off in my own world, my friendship circle has been a lot healthier and the drama has been sooooo much less. FINALLY.
When a lot of us think about the word "loyal", we tend to think about someone who will have our back no matter what. That's a part of it but what a person who's loyal to the core will also do is be faithful and committed to you, no matter what. No matter what they hear about you. No matter how inconvenient it might be at times. Through good times and bad, what they said they'd be to you and do for you, nothing can make them waiver because they aren't loyal based on emotion; they are loyal based on their character.
Loyalty is invaluable and extremely rare. If you even have two loyal people in your life, consider yourself mighty blessed.
I say it often because I believe it to be true. A lot of people don't want friends. No, what they desire are fans. I say that because the moment many people are called to the carpet on their issues, drama or character flaws, suddenly they want to "cancel" whoever said it. But a truly honest person is gonna be both sincere and frank. They won't do it just to have something to say. They'll do it because they love you, they see you and they want to see you win. If that's calling you out on your ish sometimes, so be it.
Grandma used to say, "If they'll gossip to you, they'll gossip about you." If you live long enough, you'll learn that there is certainly some truth to that. But what life has taught me to pay more attention to is "If they let other people talk about you, whether in or out of your presence, they don't have your back the way you think they do." There is someone I know who is cool on so many levels, but I still don't fully trust him because I've personally witnessed people say shady stuff about his "boys" and him play the neutral card.
Friends who are protective are friends who will defend you, both in and out of your presence. They let people know that when it comes to you, they will not tolerate any shady talk, slick implications or attacks on your being. If you've got some protective friends, treat 'em to dinner soon. They deserve it.
A while back, I penned an article for the site about how to know if one or more of your friends are actually envious of you. While that might seem like a bit of an oxymoron, being that I grew up in the entertainment industry (and later went on to write in the same industry for a while), you'd be amazed how many people who claim to be friends are nothing more than competitors.
"Healthy competition" is cool every once in a while. But you know what's so much better? People who are thrilled for your achievements. People who applaud your reached plans and goals. People who don't act threatened by your glow up. People who sincerely mean it when they say, "Call me if you need anything," or "I got you." People who will hold you up, both in good times and in bad. People who are a great place to go to and will provide a soft place to land. And yes, you should unequivocally expect this from your friendships.
Compassion is one of the words where you really have to put your money—and by "money" what I really mean is character—where your mouth is. What I mean by that is it really doesn't matter how compassionate you say or think that you are, unless you are literally looking at people who are having a hard time and then doing what you can to make life easier for them, you're probably not as compassionate as you think.
When it comes to the friendships that I have now, it's close to impossible for us to keep tabs on who did what or when (or most) because we're wired to help each other out—period. If you don't have people who are mentally and emotionally set to be on the "I got you" tip (as you are willing to be the same way towards then), get you some new friends. Stat.
It's hard to connect, let alone grow, with anyone who has poor communication skills. The sad thing is, a lot of people think they are great communicators when they are anything but. Good communicators listen (this includes listening without interrupting). Good communicators ask questions so that they are able to get clarity. Good communicators take body language cues and operate from a place of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Good communicators prefer dialogues over monologues (some of y'all will catch that later). Good communicators are present and in the moment with whomever they're interacting with.
Which of your friends communicate like this? More importantly, can you honestly say that you communicate this way with them?
I have a pretty strong personality. So do most of my friends, both male and female. I'll admit that if there's anything on this list that I had to practice growing in, it's respect. Respect that it's OK to have different views on things. Respect that I may not always get or like what they say or do but that doesn't mean we can't still be click-tight. Respect that they need to be celebrated for their individuality just like I do.
When someone respects you, they esteem you.
They also appreciate you, take your thoughts and feelings into consideration and treat you with the utmost dignity; they make you feel valuable to them. Everyone won't agree with me, but the reason why I choose to put respect on this list rather than love is because, to me, respect is one of the greatest displays of love. Especially when it's coming from a friend.
Back when I didn't really know what true friendship looked or lived like, I used to have the bad habit of picking people I was always available for who weren't for me. Literally too. If they needed some money, I picked up the phone. But if I needed some help with a deadline, I constantly had to leave a message after the beep. If they were having family issues, I would miss a night of rest listening to them vent. If a man broke my heart, they would tolerate the conversation…until another call came through.
A good friend? They know that it's not about having time but making time. A bad friend (which isn't a friend at all) only makes time when it's convenient for them. That's largely in part due to my next point.
Selfish people. They really are the absolute worst, ain't they? How could they not be when they are so consumed with themselves that no one else really matters. Just in case you've been dealing with selfish individuals for so long that you don't even recognize it anymore, I'll share of few clear signs of what one looks like.
A selfish person has no problem taking but is always hemming and hawing about giving. A selfish person doesn't really do things for others unless they can directly pinpoint what they'll get out of it. A selfish person will totally dismiss your needs, just because they are in a bad mood or they feel what they've got going on is more pressing. A selfish person is so arrogant that they would rather lose you than admit when they're wrong and try and make things right. A selfish person tends to act entitled, manipulative and controlling because, again, they are self-absorbed.
It's kind of amazing that selfish folks are able to maintain any kind of relationship, being that a foundational truth about having one is you have to be willing to compromise and give of yourself. Not just when it's easy or convenient; when it is necessary.
10.A Safe Place
Every chance I get, I mention a book that has been a true lifesaver for me. It's calledSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (Cloud/Townsend). If there's one thing that I think is far too underestimated, it's the importance of feeling safe in your relationships whether it's with your family, your friends or your significant other. Safety consists of being "free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk" and "involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.".
You know what this all means, right? Just because you've known someone for a long time, that doesn't mean they are a safe place. Just because you have a lot in common with them, that doesn't make them a safe place. Just because they used to be safe doesn't mean they currently are a safe place (which is why annual relationship evaluations are so important).
Life is risky enough without finding out the hard way that your friends weren't a place of comfort, refuge and healing for you. Not only should you expect them to be a safe place in your life, you deserve it and everything else that I mentioned on this list. Full stop.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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If you are looking to bring a little spice into your life, dating a fire sign is the way to do it. These bold lovers are confident enough to take the lead but may surprise you with how generous they are as well. Fire signs are the heat, the passion, the charisma, and the heart of the zodiac. They are often the initiators in love, and don’t mind making the first move. The three fire signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius, love uniquely in their own way, but all have a lasting impact on those they meet.
You can feel a fire sign’s energy from a mile away, and getting close to them on a romantic level is a whole other type of heat.
Fire Signs in Love: What Is It Like To Date a Fire Sign?
Dating a fire sign is exciting, heartfelt, intense, and sexy. Fire signs are some of the most independent of the zodiac signs, yet they are also some of the most loyal. Their inner fire will warm your heart, but treat them badly, and it can just as easily burn. Due to fire signs' nature of feeling everything a little more heightened, they make empathic lovers, but they can also let their feelings overwhelm them and become easily irrational or agitated.
Fire signs can get heated quickly, and dating an unevolved one can get messy as they love to put on a show. They need a partner who is a good balance to their fierce nature, but someone who isn’t going to put out their inner fire in the process.
When it comes to who fire signs are looking to date, they look for partners who can love just as passionately as they can, and expect an unwavering type of loyalty. They are also looking for confident lovers, as they aren’t one to play games or beat around the bush. They are the type of partner to be your biggest cheerleader and will support you in all your endeavors, building up your self-esteem in the process.
These lovers are ready to risk it all when it comes to their relationships and love, and dating them is a fun adventure, to say the least. These are creative, confident, romantic, and heart-warming souls, and dating a fire sign is inspiring.
Dating an Aries
Aries are independent lovers. They are free spirits that are a little hard to settle down with, as most fire signs are, yet you will know how much they are willing to give and put into the relationship through their efforts. You have to be going at the same pace as them in life, and they need to see you as someone who can keep up with them to gain their respect and commitment. Aries have a vision when it comes to their life and love, and are looking for a partner that aligns with their plans or goals that they have for themselves.
Aries, at their best, are loyal and exciting; at their worst, they are competitive and brash.
When it comes to dating an Aries, they want to do things that keep their energy moving and stimulate them. They are fun lovers and are constantly doing things as a young soul does, fueling their spirit. Aries doesn’t want to feel restricted or limited in any way and seek relationships where there is a certain amount of freedom, which in turn sometimes leads them into emotionally unavailable relationships. An evolved Aries seeks their balance and finds themselves in long-lasting partnerships where they can still feel authentically themselves.
Dating an Aries is a compelling adventure.
Learn how an Aries pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
Dating a Leo
Dating a Leo is like entering a rom-com movie. Leos are bold, outspoken, and dramatic lovers. They tend to prefer a spotlight on them, but when it comes to love, they are usually willing to share the stage. Leos want a grand love. They are all about outrageous romantic gestures, complete and utter loyalty, and a little spice. Leos want to be adored, and when you are dating one, they want all of your attention to be on them. Evolved Leos understand they cannot be the center of everyone's world, but Leo’s still going through their love journey may find themselves entertaining drama and controlling the scenario.
Leo’s, at their best, are playful and loving; at their worst, they are irrational and disruptive.
All in all, however, Leos can make some of the best partners to date as they rule the 5th house, the house of romance, dating, love, and flirtation. They are fun partners and are often the ones planning the dates or outings, and creating an atmosphere that is happy and inviting. They are the type to create an uplifting energy in their relationships, and you can expect a lot of laughs in this pairing. Leos don’t hold back when it comes to most things in life, including love. They will express their love and admiration for you often and will expect the same respect in turn.
Dating a Leo is a statement.
Learn how a Leo pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
Dating a Sagittarius
Sagittariuses are hard to grasp, but if they decide to let you into their world, you’ll find a space of wonder, adventure, and magic. There are many different stages a Sagittarius moves through in love, and as much as they like to do things quickly in all other aspects of their lives, when it comes to dating, they tend to take it more slowly. They are not the type to be in a rush to define the relationship and take their time when opening their heart. You will feel their love, their personality, and their attention, but getting to know their deepest selves, their goals, and their dreams is going to take time for Sagittarius, and they prefer to have some fun with you while they get there.
Sagittarius, at their best, are warm and hopeful; at their worst, they are harsh and disingenuous.
Being ruled by abundant Jupiter, Sagittarius lives larger than life. They want a love that feels like it was destined by the stars, and it needs to make sense and fall into place for them with ease. They are looking for all types of synchronicities and signs when dating you, and once you make it past this stage, they truly have their eyes open to you. Sagittarius wants to go on adventures, learn, travel, and explore the world and you while dating. This is a spontaneous sign, and if you can match their energy of passion and wanderlust, then this is a good match for you when it comes to love.
Dating a Sagittarius is a journey.
Learn how a Sagittarius pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
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