Recently, I had a friend suggest that I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to previous friendships. And that statement hit me like a ton of bricks, but only because it evoked deep thoughts as I realized this was certainly a possibility.
This conversation was on the table as she offered to pay for the trademark on a brand I had only just begun to envision and, to be quite honest, it's not the first brand I had in mind, so she had zero reason to believe I'd follow through this time around.
No less, I've always had friends affirm how amazing each of my business ideas have been and it's flattering, validating, and most of all, it's all talk. People will verbally validate your vision but it's rare that they actively show up. In this case, not only did she believe in my dream and my potential, but she believed in it enough to put her money where her mouth was.
It's been said for decades that friends and money don't mix, and in the past, I have known this to be true. It wasn't too long ago that I experienced friends who scolded me about all that they had done for me financially the minute we broke up. This friendship ran on an "I got you, get me next time" type of mentality, and in the end that just didn't fly. To date, I don't feel comfortable with friends who "got you" in hard times because I've seen just how many strings those words come attached with.
This view didn't coincide with the entrepreneur in me who wanted my friends to support my business endeavors. My ego had been wounded from all the times friends built me up to step out on faith and bring my passion to life, but once it was time for them to show up they weren't there.
It felt even worse when I considered how much energy I spent supporting the business ventures of others. It was like an "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" thing but with entrepreneurship.
If you've ventured out on your own, you know one of the biggest complaints for budding entrepreneurs is that their friends and family feel like the most unsupportive people, and you're often told not to worry about it as they will be your last supporters. Wise people will preface all of this by telling you although it feels like shit, don't take it personally.
I've seen it said that family and friends know you, so imagining you as "go-getter" you're trying to be is sometimes worrisome or difficult. Despite the perpetual eyeroll I have towards this mentality, I've tried to be understanding and stop seeking out the validation of friends and family.
Knowing this. Seeing this advice in so many of my Facebook support groups for entrepreneurs, I've worked so hard to stop internalizing the lagging support. I've come to learn that not everyone is in a place to support and believe in you, and furthermore, my perceived view of support and their own are two different things.
I realize that no one is obligated to believe in me -- friend, family or whatever.
I have to have enough passion, validation, and faith for myself. Still, when you get a friend who's willing to go the distance just to show you how much they believe in your future, that means the f*cking world. It feels damn good to have even one person like that in your corner, but it's even more sentimental coming from a friend who has no blood ties and nothing to gain from your success.
As good as it felt, I almost blocked my blessings by bringing my past baggage into the present. I recall someone saying to me that doing things the hard way when someone is offering to help was making my life unnecessarily difficult. I was unconsciously making my dreams unnecessarily unattainable when someone was here and willing to hoist me up onto their shoulders for my dreams to be just within my reach.
The jaded, bitter me wants to tell you that expectations lead to disappointment. But I can't possibly say that and mean it in good faith. Once you get a thorough, true friend who is everything you've been looking for when it comes to supporting your hopes and dreams, you come to realize that expectations (in people and things alike) can also come to fruition … if you allow them to.
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Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
