Dash Dolls Khadijah and Malika Haqq Talk Criticism, Success, + Self-Worth
Who wouldn’t love to make money, travel and live an exciting, elite lifestyle as the result of their childhood best friends? Raises hand!Khadijah and Malika Haqq, aka “The Haqq Twins” are the stars of the E! series, DASH Dolls, the fifth spin-off from the Keeping Up With The Kardashians empire.
It’s no secret that the world has a love-hate relationship with the Kardashian-Jenner’s. Say what you want about them, but they’re businesswomen and branding gurus. They serve as executive producers of the series and have always showed their love and appreciation for the bubbly twins. However, many "friends” of celebrities get a bad rep for being “famous by association.”
In an industry, where it can be hard to discern who truly wants to be your friend and who solely wants the perks of fame, wouldn’t you want your “ride-or-dies”/ “A1s since day ones” who were “with you shooting in the gym” to be by your side every step of the way? Or naw? As the best friends of Khloé Kardashian, Malika and Khadijah have been constantly mired with the question, “what do you do?”
Though reality TV may not seem like a “real job” few people are actually brave enough to handle the scrutiny that comes with exposing every aspect of their lives for someone else’s entertainment.
Prior to Keeping Up…, Malika and Khadijah were budding actresses having had memorable roles as Veda and Star in T.I’s film, ATL and several other productions. Soon after, Khadijah married her husband, former New Orleans Saints player Bobby McCray, and the couple had two kids [and one from Bobby’s previous relationship] and the twins' acting careers were placed on the back burner.
Now being at the center of their own series where they wrangle the employees of the DASH boutique in Beverly Hills, Malika and Khadijah are also showcasing very personal aspects of their lives.
In an exclusive interview with xoNecole, Malika and Khadijah address the criticism of their success and their association with the Kardashians. Malika shares the importance of accepting yourself and knowing your worth. While Khadijah gives awesome advice on how to ensure you’re not inaccurately portrayed on reality TV. She also gives insight to how she’s balancing motherhood with the increasing demands of her revived career.
When did you know it was the right time to do the DASH Dolls spinoff and have the focus of the series be about your lives?
Khadijah: [Kim, Khloé and Kourtney] all have very busy schedules, but the DASH boutique is very important to them so they asked Malika and I to be their eyes and ears when they couldn’t be in the store. If something were to go wrong, they wanted to know they had two people they could trust that could take care of it and that’s how it started. It was a show without cameras. They wanted us to be involved with the store and there to wrangle the girls. It was their idea to create the show and that’s why they’re Executive Producers of the series. I don’t think we’d be doing reality if it weren’t for them and the opportunity that they entrusted us with and wanted to extend to us.
Malika: People ask me all the time, ‘What do you do?’ I’ve been on the same show [Keeping Up With The Kardashians] for eight years, that’s what I do! On top of that, I didn’t really want to have an acting career by myself, I was so used to doing it with my sister. I pretty much went from one security blanket to the next. I was comfortable working with her and when I wasn’t doing that anymore, I was comfortable working with my best friend. I also assisted Khloé for a while. I was on the Khloé & Lamar spin off, I was in several episodes of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami. I’ve always been in a reality space. I did a movie called Somebody Help Me 2. That was the only film role I took once I stopped acting with my sister.
Khadijah: But she’s capable of doing it by herself, which is the point…
Malika: To be totally honest, I’m just doing what works for me. Over the years I haven’t been as decisive about choosing what I wanted to do because where I was came so easily to me. I wasn’t forced into being in another environment or to get another reality job. I wasn’t forced to get another acting role. I was literally loved and accepted for a very long time as a character that I’ve been on “Keeping Up…” So I think DASH Dolls is great because now everyone can see that my sister is ready to get back to work so it made perfect sense for she and I to do this together.
In the series, we saw Kim [Kardashian-West] trying to persuade you to embrace your individuality. How have you gone out creating opportunities for yourself separate of your sister?
Malika: I’m still learning how to be by myself. The strongest criticism I continuously receive is, ‘get out from other people’s shadow’ and ‘don’t do everything that someone else is doing.’ Ultimately, I came into this world with someone else, all I know is togetherness.
I’ve been blessed to be able to work with my family and my friends. My effort is very different than most people that come into the world by themselves; I’ve had to learn how to be an individual and I’m still working on it.
I just did an acting job by myself on Family Time (Bounce TV). I’m proud of myself for being able to push myself. My sister came to set with me, but there are certain ways in which I’m not comfortable doing things by myself.
Now clearly, I’ll take my clothes off (laughs) [referring to her nude photo shoot in the premiere episode] but I’m simply not as independent when it comes to approaching new things by myself, but it's something I’ll perfect over time and I’m not being hard on myself about it anymore.
What should people know about the behind the scenes aspects of reality TV?
Khadijah: It’s not as easy as it looks. Your reality is what you work for. I know people always question ‘what are we known for? and ‘what’s your talent?’ At the end of the day, there’s a market for reality TV but that doesn’t mean it’s just given to you freely. It’s still something you have to work for. It’s not like being an actor or singer; there are actually a lot more grueling hours filming a reality show but you only see thirty minutes or an hour from a week of taping.
This is a business and people assume that if you can recreate these situations for yourself via social media, then you can be a reality star and it’s not that simple. We’ve heard, 'it’s about time you all get your own show.' but we weren’t looking for it. I was literally going through the motions in life. I was growing up, becoming a woman, a wife and a mother. Eventually that’s going to happen for Malika and people going to say ‘Where’d she go? What is she doing?’ She’s taking on another role in her life. That’s what happened to us and through our friends we’ve been blessed to have this platform at the perfect time in our lives.
Reality TV and social media ironically creates a false sense of reality and unrealistic professional and professional expectations. For girls that are admiring who you are at age 32, what would you tell your younger self?
Malika: Don’t take yourself so seriously! I changed so much in my 20s and I’m open to changing again. I can’t even tell you that I knew who I was until 28 or 29. Once you realize that it’s most important to be comfortable with the person you are, you can become the woman you want to be. Don’t be as critical on yourself and don’t take peoples opinions so harshly. Also, you don’t have to take everyone home with you. No one makes a difference in whether you eat or sleep but you.
Be nice to yourself. I see younger women be so hard on themselves. I would say to my younger Malika, 'I’m sorry.' They made me do that in therapy. I’ve said sorry to myself so many times and I really meant it because I didn’t have to be so hard on myself but when you think about being in this business as an actress, then I stopped acting and now I’m trying to get back in, it’s a lot.
I get a lot criticism for supposedly being in the shadow of other people, but there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be in the front. I had to learn and go through my own process to figure out what I was truly comfortable with.
I’ve made some good decisions and some bad decisions but I’m okay with that, you have to be forgiving of yourself. Everyone isn’t going to like you and that’s okay too, all you have to do is like yourself.
Khadijah: Social media is a fad, I don’t necessarily think its going to slow down but since we grew up in an era that wasn’t so driven by peoples criticisms, I still don’t give a sh*t. Maybe it’s because not only have I had to grow up but I had to start living for my three children. I’ve had to make mistakes and mend relationships, but you start to look at what really matters which is your family, your friends and being proud of whatever career path you’re chose. By the time I was 27, I was already married with my first child. You have no idea where your life is going to take you in the next couple of years. Be proud of yourself for wherever you are in this moment. At 24 we were struggling actresses hustling, auditioning, taking slaps in the face [metaphorically], doors opening, doors closing and right back to the same thing. When people ask why don’t we act anymore, well it’s not always that easy. Life happens; it’s all a balancing act, but you have to learn to juggle all of your responsibilities in a way that makes you happy.
DASH DOLLS -- "Dash Store" -- Pictured: (l-r) -- (Photo by: Dale Berman/E! Entertainment)
You both are beautiful brown women! Being associated with a family that places so much emphasis on looks, have you ever had any issues with accepting yourself and having a positive self-image?
Malika: Accepting yourself is something people can see and until you do, it’s not attractive to others.
[Tweet "Really, truly, accepting yourself is the most attractive thing in the world, it’s beautiful. "]
I never had to be taught to love my skin, I just did. I was raised by a strong black woman who raised her children by herself. My mother taught us to be strong, beautiful, confident and to follow our hearts. She always said, “I trust you to make good decisions” and that stuck with me more than anything anyone has ever said to me in my life. You can do anything once you accept yourself. There are women who will tell you, ‘I’m not the most attractive, but I’m the most confident.’ I look at them and I may think I have a better body but I’ll say ‘wow she wears everything so well’ because of her confidence.
Many people who’ve participated in reality TV end up saying they were inaccurately portrayed, how do you stop that from happening?
Khadijah: The camera catches exactly what you do. Malika says this all the time and it’s the best thing ever, ‘You don’t see yourself.’
Sometimes people don’t know who they are without a camera in their face and then they sign up for reality TV and they’re shocked when they discover how they truly interact with others. Watching yourself on TV allows to say, ‘Wow, is this who I am?’
Regardless of editing, the camera can’t catch what you don’t give it. I told the Dash Dolls when they were nervous and intimidated by the cameras, I said ‘listen, if you don’t dance on a table, the camera won’t show you dancing on a table! You give a good smile, it’ll see your good smile.’ So it is what it is.
What have people underestimated about you? What will we learn this that would intrigue the audience to keep watching?
Malika: We’re finally giving people the opportunity to have an opinion about us. We’re exposing our lives and our journeys. I share the lack of relationship that I have with my father and how that’s affected me and my choices when it came to dating and having self-confidence.
To be frank, I’ve never really thought I would have a successful relationship with a man because the first man I ever loved, my father, that relationship didn’t work.
I’ve grown so much in the last year in my confidence when it comes to not having a relationship with someone that is hurtful to me. There’s a lot going on in season one of DASH Dolls. I lived it, now I’m ready to learn even more by watching it back.
There’s this myth that women in entertainment can only be a wife and a mother at the detriment of their career. Khaijah, as you transition back into acting, what do you want other young ladies to know about having balance?
Khaijah: Once you have kids, you have to feed them! And it takes a functioning household to make sure that your children have everything they need and that’s the most important thing to me. It was also very important for me to be home with my kids to experience what it was like to be a mother. But I did start to get the itch of wanting to go to back to work because Malika and I have been acting all our lives. I have two sons and a daughter; I want her to see that she has a working mother. I want Malika and I to be the best first examples of independent working women.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images