Personally, I don't believe in puppy love. At least, not in the traditional sense. It's been my experience that whenever people use that term it's a way to minimize a love relationship based on one's age. My first love? It happened when I was 18. He was a teenager too. And although we're both in our 40s now, we still run into each other from time to time and admit that our "young love" was one of the most mutually impacting, to this day.
My point? When we get involved with someone, we "fall in love" and things don't work out, I don't think it's smart to act like what happened wasn't love at all. Just because things don't turn out the way we want them to, that doesn't mean the experience wasn't real. If anything, I just think that each time we love and move on, we learn more about what love really is, in preparation for the bigger love that is to follow.
Me? Based on what I currently believe I know about love, I feel that I have loved four men. What hindsight has caused me to accept is that each one taught me something that has caused me to expand my view of love—love for a man and, more importantly, love for myself. Just because we aren't together, that didn't mean the love wasn't real; it just means that the season came to an end so that I could learn more about the vastness of love…elsewhere.
Honestly, I think embracing this kind of mentality is the first indication that you're ready to love again. When you don't look back and diminish what you had with someone else but, instead, you can see the beauty and divine purpose within it, that's when you can receive what's next.
If a past love experience wore you all the way out, what are some other pretty telling signs that you're in a healthy and mature place to love—again?
You’re Not Looking for a Man to Fill Some Void
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The reality is that all of us have voids in our lives; some are just bigger (or in different compartments) than others. But the reason why it's not the best idea to look for a man to fill a void in your life is because, typically, when you do that, the void has something to do with what you should be working to fill on your own. If that doesn't make sense, peep some indicators that you have a pattern of looking for guys to fill voids—you tend to rebound a lot; you hop from shallow relationship to shallow relationship; you rush relationships; you mistake sex for intimacy and you'd rather be with someone—almost anyone—than be alone.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. After all, humans are relational beings. At the same time, one of the best indications that you've healed from the past and are truly ready for what is to come is you are happy and whole as a single woman. Also, a man isn't going to complete your life so much as he will enhance it. And until that man comes along, you know you'll be fine whether you're with someone or…not.
You Know the Difference Between Being Lonely and Being Alone
Remember how I said that people who look for void fillers, they would rather be with just about anybody over being alone? Let's look a little deeper into that.
One of the biggest lessons that comes with singlehood is knowing the difference between being lonely vs. being alone.
What sets them apart? People who are alone, they don't look at it like it's a death sentence or even anything to be ashamed of. People who are alone, oftentimes do it by choice because if someone doesn't have what they are looking for, they'd rather pass than settle. People who are alone have such full lives that they don't have a ton of time to reflect on whether they are lonely or not. People who are alone don't see the need to wait on a date or even their friends before going out; if no one else is available, they will head out anyway.
Lonely individuals? They read all of that and broke out into a cold sweat. To them, being in a relationship is the solution to their chronic loneliness. As a result, a relationship doesn't really serve as a support system; it's more like a crutch.
When You Think About Your Ex, You Have Peace About the Situation
This one is big. Some of my exes, we're actually pretty cool with one another; not besties but definitely not afraid to run into each other at the mall and give an earnest hug. Then there are those who, I am totally fine with never seeing again. EVER. But something that both categories of men have in common is when they randomly run through my mind (or someone brings them up), I don't feel any type of way about it. I'm not mad. I'm not plotting revenge. I don't even feel the need to rant or vent about their qualities that caused us to end things in the first place.
We shared an intimate season and so, that's a part of me. At the same time, nothing about what was is going to affect—meaning infect—what is or what will be. This means that the next guy doesn't have to worry about me comparing him to my ex or judging him based on what my ex did or didn't do. He's got a totally clean slate. Just as it should be.
Your Reason for a Relationship Is Not to Prove Some Point
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I promise you, the older—and wiser—I get, the less things I feel like I need to prove to anyone. You should feel the exact same way. I mean, just look at what prove means: "to establish the truth or genuineness of, as by evidence or argument". If you're walking around trying to make the things in your life appear true or genuine, either you've been out here fakin' the funk for a long time now or you need to find some new people to be around.
This is especially the case as it relates to matters of the heart. No matter how much you loved your ex, how long you were with him, why the two of you broke up or how quickly he bounced back and got with someone else (shout out to Nino Brown's insight on this topic right here), you are absolutely NOT ready for a new situation if your only motive is to prove that you can move on too.
The last time I had a boyfriend is when I was 32. He's since lived with someone and some other stuff since then. Chile, I don't care. The love I once had for him hopes he'll find his fit; he deserves it. In the meantime, I'm not gonna get myself into something that isn't the best for me just to prove that I can.
When you've truly healed from a relationship, you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you have nothing that you need to prove. To anyone.
You’d Finally Prefer the Man You Need vs. the Man You Want
Did you know that only 14 percent of men in the United States are over 6' tall (maybe that's why a lot of celebrities are so short; tall is the exception and not the rule)? This means that my preference for at least 6'3" or up is going to make finding Mr. Right a bit of a challenge; especially since I'd also prefer him to be in the Godiva chocolate range (preferably someone who resembles the lead in one my favorite web series Mind of the Single Male; he's dope and so is his real-life wife. I love Black love!). On the physical tip, those are some of the things that I want; they are not necessarily things that I need.
That's a part of how I know that I'm ready to love again because I used to have a pretty counterproductive habit of putting my wants before my needs—attractive before committable; funny before mature; sexy over spiritual (hey, I'm just being real). But after having to nurse my heart back to life, more times than I can count, needs are a whole lot more important to me.
By no means am I saying that I'm going to settle for the short and hefty pastor who has absolutely no sex appeal (I broke down how I got over that in "My Eureka Moment for Why I'm Not into 'Nice Guys'"); I'm saying that rather than just focusing on what I desire on a semi-surface level, I'm now open to what's truly necessary for my next relationship to remain healthy, strong and able to go the distance.
Character is the "cake", the need. Sexiness is "icing", the want. Cake before icing (but yes…icing is much appreciated too).
A Relationship Will Enhance Your Already Amazing Life
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You wanna know how you can truly know that you're ready for the next—and, if all goes well, final—love of your life? It's when, if the perfect man entered into your world right now, you'd have to stop and consider if he is going to cramp your style because your life is already so full and fulfilling.
Recently, while talking to a male friend of mine, he asked me if I was freaking out (on any level) since it had been so long since I've been in a relationship. I thought about it and said:
"My hormones have those moments, for sure, but you know what? Until a man can love me in the way that I know I can love a man, I need to remain single. I'd be settling otherwise."
That's basically my motto these days. I want to find love again, but not just so I can be in a relationship. What all of the past loves have taught me is until—and unless—someone can top all of what I've already experienced, my life, as it is, is pretty darn good. I'm in love with it and myself. "He" will have to get in where he fits in. And honestly, that's how I know that I'm about as close as I can get to being ready to love…again.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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