I Settled By Marrying Mr. Good Enough
I've always been an overachiever in life, excelling in whatever it was I poured myself into. When it came to my love life, it was no different.
Or so I thought.
I had this notion that if I followed all the steps and did everything right on my end that everything would fall into place. Little did I know, that's not exactly how life goes, especially regarding love.
Love is patient, love is kind, but what happens when you aren't?
What happens when you choose to jump ahead of Cupid, and he uses you for target practice instead of his primary target?
I'll tell you what happens; you end up settling.
I was nineteen years old in a relationship with a man ten years my senior.
I know what you are thinking and looking back on it, you're right. But things happened, and here I am. We started off as friends, and it evolved into something more.
I was a freshman in college and had little experience in the dating world outside of high school puppy love. He pulled out all the stops in the romance department and not having experienced anything else I was impressed. I remember him continuously saying to me that he was a rare find and no other man would treat me as good as he did. Being young and naive in all departments of life, especially love, I believed him.
However, in accepting what I was fed, I never once felt that spark, that blissful feeling of happily ever after; you know like you see in the movies. I brushed it off and labeled it as a phase and told myself, "This is as good as its probably going to get for you."
My second year of college, I got pregnant. I'll admit that I wasn't too thrilled because it wasn't a part of my plan.
The kids weren't supposed to come until two years after I'd graduated, but he treated it as if he was checking something off of his list of shit to do before reaching thirty. My parents were divorced, and his had been married for thirty plus years. In his head, it was what was supposed to happen at the right time for him and that was his primary concern. Upon us telling friends that we were expecting, it was mentioned that we should get married. He was on board; I was hesitant.
I knew I wanted to get married, but even after all this time dating this man, I never once saw myself growing old with him. We talked about it more, and he sensed my hesitation in not wanting to do it. He then started to remind me repeatedly that he was a rare find and no other man was going to treat me the way he did. He even took it a step further and told me how lucky I was that a man like him wanted to marry me and this is what was best for our child.
I agreed and stood before a judge in the courthouse of my hometown and married the man who didn't make me happy.
One year later, I began to change. Every day, I was going through the motions to just get through the twenty-four hours. I wasn't happy and felt undone in many areas of my life. I came home to a man who complained about me not generating income and suggested that I get a job. I didn't know how I was supposed to balance a job going to school full-time, maintain a 3.0, and take care of a baby who was only in daycare for my school hours. His nagging went on for a while so I had to quit school to get a full-time job in hopes that if I made him happy, I'd be satisfied.
The problem with that theory is I didn't know at the time that I was responsible for my happiness.
It wasn't until we moved to Florida for his job that everything started to sink in. I found myself depressed and married to a man who didn't notice anything outside of his own needs. I didn't want him to touch me at all, so when we had sex, it was out of obligation and not passion. Every day became harder and harder to cope with life.
I was miserable.
I would go to the bathroom and shut the door for my daily crying session. One day, that was interrupted by my two-year-old son who had walked in. I didn't notice him at first until his tiny frame pressed against me and held my face so he could wipe away the tears. In that moment, I found a piece of myself that wanted better for the eyes staring back at me.
When my husband got home that night, I told him I was leaving. He wanted to know why and I told him everything I'd been feeling and have felt for the past couple of years. He seemed confused and began to regurgitate that same manipulative phrase over and over again. When he realized it no longer worked, he grew angry, then he spouted off hateful words about how ungrateful and undeserving I was to have a man like him. He was right; I didn't deserve a man like him, I deserved better.
I deserved a man that I loved, and he wasn't it.
I made the ten-hour drive back to my home state with my son in tow and never looked back. I remember pulling into my mother's driveway and having the feeling of relief wash over me. After that, I struggled with forgiving myself for being that naive nineteen-year-old girl who was falling for any and everything because she didn't know who she was. It became a burden, and I lived my life for a while full of regret and what-ifs. It wasn't until my mother and I had a very real conversation about my choices, she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself, and that the lessons from my choices help shape the person she knows is deep down inside. I asked her if she knew that he wasn't the one for me. She said "yes" and then told me, "As a parent, you allow your children to make their own mistakes and figure it out."
That's what I did.
I figured my life out. I immersed myself in my faith and found God in the dark places of my mind that I thought I'd never escape. It was then I discovered that I wasn't prepared to fall in love with anyone because I hadn't yet fallen in love with myself. That was the very reason why I'd always sold myself short on what I deserved. If I wanted to get anywhere in life, I had to change this.
I started by looking in the mirror every morning and telling the reflection that was looking back at me that I am proud of the woman she is and who she is becoming.
I told her that she was beautiful, kind, smart, and worthy of a fairytale love.
Telling myself those things was the easy part, believing them was hard. I kept at the routine until I started to believe everything I was saying. In that belief, I found my worth, which changed how I viewed love. I now view love as sacrifice. You have to be willing to sacrifice for the other person. At this point in my life, I'm only willing to do that for my son, so I've chosen to take a break from dating for now and focus on my passion, which is writing. I want to show my son that no matter what you go through in life you can always change it and find a way to follow your dreams.
However, while I'm on my break from the dating world, I'm still navigating through exactly what I want in a potential partner. While doing this, I've decided to remain celibate because I value my body now more than ever. Whenever I decide to jump back into the dating game, I want to be prepared and know that I am now dating with a purpose. That purpose is to find someone who I'll be willing to sacrifice for and receive the same in return. I'm taking my time and observing my mistakes because although they don't haunt me anymore, I'm still working on forgiving myself for making them.
In the meantime, I'll be living a life of fulfillment and passion.
I'm going back to school in the spring to study my craft. I will continue to work on myself because I now understand that it is okay to be a work in progress and a masterpiece. I had to learn how to love myself, and know my worth before I can expect someone else to. In determining my value, I move differently in life, especially regarding love.
Settling doesn't live here anymore.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Getty Images
Whitney "As Told By Whit" Morrow is a South Carolina based blogger/writer and mother to an amazing seven-year-old. She has her first novel due out later on this year and you can bet her future is just as bright as her smile. Keep with her on Instagram, you won't regret it.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These Women Are Debunking Myths About Debt And Educating Others On Financial Literacy
Growing up, my parents always told me to save my money. Did I always listen? Of course not, but it’s one of the pieces of financial advice that I remember. I was also told not to depend on credit cards. I often saw my parents use their debit cards to pay for everything, and it wasn’t until I got older that I learned how to use credit cards to my advantage.
While talking to Natalia Brown and Dasha Kennedy, I learned I wasn’t the only one who grew up with similar teachings. Natalia serves as the Chief Compliance and Consumer Affairs Officer for National Debt Relief (NDR), and Dasha is a Financial Wellness Board Member for NDR and also runs the online platform The Broke Black Girl. Together, they are educating Black women and others on debt, the good and the bad.
They each have had their fair share of unlearning to do after going through rough patches that eventually started them on their financial wellness journeys. During our interview, Dasha and Natalia debunked myths about debt and broke down the many things that helped them on their way. One of those myths is that debt is bad. While using credit cards to make purchases on things you can’t afford and will be unable to pay back isn’t a good method, leveraging debt is, especially when building wealth.
Leveraging Debt
Dasha fell into debt after going through a divorce. While she was always told not to depend on credit cards, it became her only way of survival. However, after going through that experience, she continues to share her story and provide tips on how to get out of consumer debt and use credit cards to your advantage.
“This is something that I've talked to my audience about as just a simple way to decide on leveraging debt, using debt in a way that is going to make you more money. So being in debt, whether it's you know, credit cards to pay for a class or a certification or you need to get financing for a car, like using debt in a way that is going to help you make more money in the long run,” she says.
“So then, as you make more money, you will want to be able to pay off, you know, the debt that you took on, and on top of that, your income as a whole would have increased. So that's one way to leverage debt to build wealth or money by taking care of things or expenses that you need that could catapult your career, help make, you know, income even it's like investing in like a small business that you want to do.”
“This is something that I've talked to my audience about as just a simple way to decide on leveraging debt, using debt in a way that is going to make you more money. So being in debt, whether it's you know, credit cards to pay for a class or a certification or you need to get financing for a car, like using debt in a way that is going to help you make more money in the long run.”
Research
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Debt specialist Natalia recommends that people put the same amount of effort into researching credit cards and debt as they do everything else. She explains by sharing something someone told her. “I used to do more research on a pair of shoes or you know, Amazon shopping like I go straight to the reviews and people do that without even thinking about it,” she says.
“You put a lot more effort into researching the things that you want when you're making a purchase; you can do the same exact thing with like Dasha said, is this credit card the right credit card for me? I drive a lot, so I should have a gas card, right, versus a points card because that doesn't transfer the gas, right? So, you should look at every single aspect of your life. And when you're getting to a point of using it (credit) as a tool, make sure it fits your lifestyle and do as much research as you would, you know, a new car or a wedding dress or whatever those important things are that you've done a lot of research in. You should do the same thing with your debt situation.”
Shift Your Mindset
“It was realizing what I was doing was not the right way. Because I was sticking to what I was told. And I was in a predicament, right? And there were some social pressures, right? You're supposed to do certain things as a woman,” she explains. “You're supposed to get married, have kids, and all these things, and I was following this traditional Caribbean path. That without all the right tools to understand what I needed to make that successful. So it was realizing, you know, if I keep going this way, it's only gonna get worse. So I have to do something different.
“And it was that moment that I decided just like Dasha said, to not be ashamed of it, not to hide it. I made a pact with myself. It was actually 12 years ago; it popped up on my Facebook memories where it said I'm gonna change my life this year. And I just focused on that any way that I could. I made mistakes along the way, but I learned that you know, you learn from mistakes. You can't do everything perfect. And over that year, I decided to change my life."
When she began working for NDR, she learned more about financial literacy, which further enhanced her journey. She also found out that she wasn’t alone and a lot of women are or have been in similar situations. She was no longer blaming herself for having debt and was finally letting go of the shame around it.
“It was realizing what I was doing was not the right way. Because I was sticking to what I was told. And I was in a predicament, right? And there were some social pressures, right? You're supposed to do certain things as a woman.”
Eleganza/ Getty Images
“That's actually when I started with NDR is when I decided to make that shift, right. And one of the myths I had to get over was it was my fault. It was not my fault. There are so many reasons that people end up in debt,” she says. “It could be medical, it could be a divorce, like Dasha. It could be, you know, just not having the financial education.
“At the time, it was not taught in schools, right? I just barely had a macroeconomics and a microeconomics class in college and it was only because I was in accounting that I knew how to balance a checkbook. So, it's one of those things where I just really had to let go the the shame of it, just like Dasha said, and move on, right, and take control and be confident or at least learn how to be confident as I got more knowledge.”
Finding Safe Spaces
As Dasha was learning more about financial literacy, she relied on community, particularly online. The self-proclaimed financial activist created The Broke Black Girl, which started off as a Facebook group and now has become a popular online destination that shares tips on saving, investing, building wealth, and much more.
“For me, when it came to shifting my mindset, it was finding community online, finding places that validated me. At the beginning, I had to create my own space because I didn't easily come across some that approach debt or just money as a whole in an empathetic way in an understanding, meeting you where you are type way, which is what led me to create The Broke Black Girl,” she explains.
“But then as you grow and you learn, and you find more resources, you find more communities, and I also mentioned like resources like NDR that understands that debt is not a morally wrong thing, it's not something that you should feel ashamed, excluded from having certain conversations about money and getting the help."
“But then as you grow and you learn, and you find more resources, you find more communities, and I also mentioned like resources like NDR that understands that debt is not a morally wrong thing, it's not something that you should feel ashamed, excluded from having certain conversations about money and getting the help."
She continues, “So, for me, when it came to the shift in my mindset, it was really finding communities and resources, and organizations that validated my experience. So before I could even start with any tools or tips, I needed someone to validate that I wasn't crazy, that I was making this up, and I think that was a huge play in me learning to look at debt and just money different as a whole.”
Natalia and Dasha are passionate about educating others on financial literacy. Through NDR and their personal efforts, they are hoping to make a positive impact in the lives of others and help them avoid the same mistakes they made. For more information about NDR, visit nationaldebtrelief.com.
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