I can totally understand if, right when you saw this title, you wondered if this was meant to patronize you in some way. After all, on the surface, when it comes to whether or not you actually choose your own friends, it would seem like the answer would be "duh", right? Yeah, I'm not so sure about that. The more self-work that I do, the more coaching clients that I have, the more folks who email me about their relationships (or lack thereof) and even the more I just sit back and observe the world, I don't think we choose wisely when it comes to our friendships as much as we actually should be.
Just think about the word "choose". It means "to select from a number of possibilities". Choose also means "to pick by preference" and "to prefer or decide". Now take a moment to think about your friends and how the friendship initially came to be to begin with. Did you prefer them or did things just sorta happen? Why is it relevant? Well typically, whenever we decide to make a choice, we've put in some thought, we've processed why we want what we do and we've weighed out, at least on a surface-level, the pros and cons. That way, we have a good idea of what we're getting ourselves into—and why.
Now do you see why choosing your friends is paramount as it relates to the overall scope of your life? If you do, but you're not quite sure that you can answer, whether or not you chose your tribe or not, I'm hoping that the following six questions can offer up some real and lasting clarity.
Did You CHOOSE Your Tribe or Did You Just Go with the Flow?
In my opinion, one of the most important jobs that a parent has, as it relates to raising responsible and emotionally intelligent children, it's giving them the ability to make wise choices. In order to accomplish this, it requires being the type of mom or dad who isn't always trying to control any and everything all of the time—this includes when it comes to who your children's friends are. While I do personally think that up until, I'd say junior year in high school, parents should have a highly influential role in who their kids spend a significant amount of time with, many moms and dads make the grave mistake of putting their children together with the kids of their own friends. You know what I mean—if all of the adults are hanging out in one room, the children are sent off to go and play with each other in another. When this arrangement happens often enough, whether the parents realize it or not, the kids are "forced" to become friends, mostly by proxy, without really stopping to think if they would choose the people that they are spending so much time around.
I am speaking from very personal experience too. One of the worst people to ever come into my life, someone who was a horrible influence until well into my early college years, is a person who my parents put me around, simply because they hung out with her parents. When I tell you that this girl did more damage to my self-esteem and perception of what I should expect in my friendships…words cannot even begin to express.
And the reality is, I know a lot of people who have a similar story about their own childhood friendships. Again, they didn't really stop to choose who their friends were. It was more like they went with the flow of whoever came over to their house with their parents' friends and/or was in their Sabbath or Sunday school class at church and/or who sat next to them the most at school. And because they merely "went with the flow" when it came to their close interactions with others, they didn't really develop the skills that were needed to figure out who best complemented them, who had good intentions for them, and who had the character and values that they wanted and needed to be around.
I know all of this is kind of deep but if, like me, you have found yourself disappointed by some of your past friendships, it can never hurt to ask yourself if you ever developed the skill of actually choosing your friends. Or, have you always just kind of gone with the flow of your environment? The answer to this question alone can be quite revelatory, if you allow it to be.
What Do You Actually PREFER About the People You Call “Friend”?
I believe I've shared before that, a few years ago, I read an article that featured the video interview of a couple that had been married for over 60 years. When the journalist asked the wife for the key to her relationship, she looked at the woman like she was crazy and then said, "I have sex with him. I don't do that with the rest of my friends." Indeed. Well, when it comes to friendships, something that I wish folks would do more often is process what makes them prefer their friends over everyone else on this planet.
To prefer is "to set or hold before or above other persons or things in estimation; like better; choose rather than". There are a lot of awesome people out here. I run into folks who deserve that adjective fairly often. But my friends are those who I literally esteem highly, like better and choose to be a part of the intimate areas of my life.
If you wonder if you're choosing your friends, ponder what you prefer about them over the other individuals who revolve in and out of your world. It can reveal quite a bit.
How Many of Your Friendships Are About Shared Values, Not Just Common Interests?
It's very easy to find yourself spending time with other people, simply because you like the same things. You both enjoy chick flicks, so you hit the movie theatre together fairly often. You both like the same kind of music, so you've been to concerts together before. You enjoy the same cuisine, so you have lunch together from time to time. But just because someone enjoys doing some of the things you do, that doesn't automatically mean they are—or even should be—your friend. A friend should require a much higher standard than that.
Another way to discern whether or not you are actually choosing your friends is to think about if you both have similar value systems. I don't mean if you both share the same faith or you both desire the same type of future (that value system is more applicable to marriage). What I'm referring to here is if you both want the same things out of your friendships (check out "What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)" and "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships"). Do you both look for the same type of qualities in a friend and both define "friend" in a similar fashion?
One of the reasons why a lot of people constantly find themselves feeling disappointed in their friendships is because, while a "friend" may be fun, funny and familiar to them, they still aren't the most consistent, loyal or giving. But since they like their friend's personality so much, they don't really stop to process that a person's character is mad relevant too.
So yeah, choosing your friends should also consist of making sure that the type of friend you want is also the type of friend that they actually want to be—that it's mutually understood that you both will truly value one another for the long haul.
Do You Actually Take Inventory on Your Relationships?
Something else that comes with choosing your friendships is deciding when they are no longer serving you. One way to figure that out is by taking annual inventory on them. I already know that some of y'all are going to find this to be semi-extreme, but life has taught me that more than family or even romantic relationships, oftentimes the most impactful relational dynamics that we have is with our friends. Unless we live with a relative or we're married, we typically talk to them the most often. We factor in their perspectives quite heavily. And, they sometimes know things about us that absolutely no one else does. So, why wouldn't we need to make sure that our friends are a healthy addition to our life?
A couple of years ago, something that I did was process who I was initiating communication with more than they were doing the same. There were about five people who, when I stopped reaching out, I never heard from them. Matter of fact, there's one person, in particular, who I like a lot. But I'm always doing the work that's needed in order to keep us connected. The last time I saw her, I said, "You know I'm always calling you, right? You've got my number. The next time we chat, it'll be because you rang me." Yeah, that was almost a year ago. When I run into her again, she'll still be cool as hell in my eyes, but we're not friends. Friends mutually engage. Taking some personal inventory brought me to this revelation.
I think one of the reasons why people struggle so much with evaluating (and reevaluating) their friendships is because they act like folks either fall into the "friend" or "enemy" category when that doesn't have to be the case. Someone can be dope and still not deserve the time, effort and energy that your actual friends do. Figuring out what you need and if the people in your life are supplying it can help you to get to this point and place of choosing who goes where.
Is “All These Years”, All You’ve Got?
Did any of you catch when Yvonne Orji interviewed Molly Carter? It was actually pretty brilliant (you can watch it here). Anyway, while I watched it and laughed (Molly really is a trip, y'all), I thought about the fact that Issa and Molly met in school and have pretty much been hanging onto their friendship because of it. That's very similar to the "pre-Issa and Molly friendship", Joan and Toni fromGirlfriends; they were childhood friends. But man, did Toni suck at not being self-absorbed 85.9 percent of the time and boy, was Joan neurotic about the same amount. More times than not, Joan was doing all of the giving and then overthinking and resenting the fact, after the fact. But because they had so many childhood and adolescent tales in common, they kept trying to make work…what wasn't working.
Reminiscing is not a synonym for loyalty. Or healthy. Back when a very close friend of mine ghosted me after years of being in one another's lives, I recognized that a pattern I had created for myself in the dynamic was accepting that, while she had some really good qualities, I didn't really keep her in my life because of how awesome that I thought she was. It was more because I thought that a part of what comes with being a good friend is sticking around, simply because of all of the time, memories and secrets we had shared. As I continued to evolve as a person, though, I never really pondered that "all these years" isn't a good enough reason to remain in our particular dynamic.
I think the universe knew that so long as she remained, I'd stay stuck in "all those years" and so it allowed her to leave so that I could gain a better grasp of what I deserved/deserved in my friendships. Issa, Molly, Joan, Toni, that former friend and myself can all vouch for the fact that knowing someone for a really long time isn't really a good enough reason to keep them in your life. If they aren't benefiting the individual you are in the present and you aren't doing the same for them as well, sometimes it's best to lovingly and peacefully choose to move on. Without each other.
If You Got a Do-Over, Would You CHOOSE the Same Folks Again?
You know what they say, hindsight is sho 'nuf 20/20. So, when it comes to the friends who are currently in your life, be totally honest with yourself—when you think about the person you are now, the relational needs that you currently have and even the kind of influences you desire in order to move forward, do your friends complement those needs or not? Shoot, I'll even give you one better. Knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time to when you met your friends, all the while factoring in the realization that you probably were not as discerning as you should've been, would you have intentionally selected them?
Something that I find to be super revelatory about my own world is, when I got to the point and place of choosing the friends that I now have, there have been no issues, problems or drama. Aside from the fact that I am in a healthier space (which plays a very relevant role), I know the difference between folks who are cool to hang out with sometimes vs. folks who actually deserve the title of "friend" in my life.
It really is a trip. Just like you can choose who to follow in your social media feeds, you can choose who you want to affect your life in real and profound ways. Hmph. Not only can you choose them, you should choose them.
There's no time like the present to break out one of your journals and think about what you need/want in your friendships and if you have chosen people who are fitting that bill. Life is a sum of the choices we make, y'all. When it comes to some of the most important relationships that you will ever have in your life—your friendships—please choose wisely.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Everything Jodie Turner-Smith Has Said About Life & Love After Divorce
Jodie Turner-Smith is very much everything. And we don’t say that lightly.
Her beauty, resilience, and talent are otherworldly. From her iconic role in Queen & Slim to her red carpet slays, she’s our queen. Being a celebrity is not for the faint of heart. Even if you try to keep your personal life on the down-low, the spotlight can be blinding. And even more so when it comes to love.
In 2018, Dawson Creek alum Joshua Jackson entered Jodie’s life. Rumors circulated that they first crossed paths at Usher's 40th birthday celebration, and subsequent sightings of them together at various events fueled speculation. Their relationship took a public turn in November 2018 when they attended the U.S. premiere of Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri as a couple. As time progressed, their bond became increasingly apparent through their appearances at award shows and other social gatherings.
In August 2019, the couple sparked wedding speculation when they were spotted acquiring a marriage license in Beverly Hills. Later, reports confirmed that they had tied the knot on August 18, 2019.
In 2020, they welcomed their daughter Juno into the world. In March 2023, Turner-Smith candidly shared with PEOPLE that she believes fulfillment comes from becoming the best version of herself for her child's sake. She wrote, "And I try to involve her in my life, not let work be this thing that exists outside of her, but that she also gets to be a part of. And so that she sees me being a working mother and being fulfilled and wanting to mother at the same time."
The world was astounded when Turner-Smith unexpectedly filed for divorce in September of last year, citing irreconcilable differences. Three months later, photographs surfaced showing Jackson holding hands with actress Lupita Nyong'o, raising questions about the timeline of events and the reasons behind the sudden split.
When speaking withGlamour, Jodie said, “Sometimes things we really want to work just don’t end up working and that’s okay. The most important thing is that you choose what’s healthiest for you and your family and definitely your children. There are so many different moments in our life where we look at ourselves and say, ‘Who am I and am I being true to that?”
Jodie is focusing on a new chapter in her life. Ahead, find everything Jodie has said about life and love after divorce.
Jodie on Moving Forward
Excited for the future, Turner-Smith and Jackson prioritize setting a positive example for their daughter, acknowledging when situations aren't functioning as intended.
During an interview with The Times, she shared, “The big takeaway is that this is about just as much love and joy as it has always been. This is only about taking a step forward into a better life for everybody involved.”
Jodie on Co-Parenting
Turner-Smith has said that she and Jackson are going through an "adjustment period" in terms of co-parenting, but that she's trying to get to the level of friendly exes. While the uncoupled pair is still working to smooth things out, she told Glamour, “It’s an adjustment period for anyone when they split up with someone, because you’re used to being with your child all the time.”
Jodie went on to say, “But nobody hands you a manual. Everyone’s trying to figure it out. Each parent has a different life, and especially if the reason why you’re splitting up is because you have different lives, it’s only further complicated by how you’re going to co-parent.”
Jodie on Focusing on Herself
Shortly after the announcement of her divorce, the actress took to Instagram sharing a quote, "Everything heals and grows when it is loved well. People, too."
Turner-Smith previously used quotes to convey her emotions during her divorce journey. Earlier in the month, the actress took to Instagram to share her perspective on love languages. "People don't always say, 'I love you.' Sometimes it sounds like: Be safe. Did you eat? Call me when you get home. I made you this."
Jodie on Battling the Innanets
The mommy mogul doesn’t bother responding to every single thing people say or think because it's a waste of time. Jodie told The Times, “At the end of the day I am not the only person in the world going through a divorce. There are millions of people in the world who are going through what I’m going through and that’s something that’s amazing about the internet, that sometimes it can offer you community.” And like Bishop GloRilla said, “At the end of the day, the day gotta end.”
Jodie on Dating
Like many of us, Jodie is over men. While she confessed to Glamour that she’s crushing on actor Steve Sanghyun Noh, the lead’s gorgeous husband in the Apple TV+ series Pachinko, she’s not currently dating. “Honestly, I think I love him,” she says, before quickly correcting herself, “I’m actually not dating, I’m over men.” In the meantime, she is searching for a cardboard cutout of Steve.
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Featured image by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for Victoria's Secret