As you’re in the process of figuring out what you want 2025 to look like, question: have you stopped to consider what your sleep habits should be? It’s kind of wild that although one in three people in this country say that they don’t get enough rest, and even though science continues to tell us that sleep rejuvenates us and even increases our longevity, out of all of the things that we will talk ourselves into not properly prioritizing, getting 6-8 hours a night of zzz’s is oftentimes on the very top of the list.
Why Sleep Should Be a Top Priority in 2025
Now that we’re just moments away from being (whoa) 25 years into 2000, it’s time to change all of that. If you want to look younger, you need to get more sleep. Ready to improve your mental state? Get more sleep. Wish to have a stronger libido? Yep — you already know (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”).
And what if the flesh is willing, but the know-how is weak? No problem. I’ve got 12 sleep practices that you can incorporate, one month at a time, that can have you leaving the upcoming year saying, “This year gave me some of the best rest that I’ve experienced in my entire life!” — which is something that your mind, body, and spirit will be eternally grateful for. Trust me.
12 Monthly Sleep Habits to Transform Your Rest
January: Get a Bedding Makeover
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Aight, so if it’s been 2-3 years since you’ve treated yourself to some new sheets, it’s time to make that move. The main reason is that we shed somewhere around 30,000 dead skin cells an hour, which equates to about 600,000 a day, and no matter how much you wash those sheets of yours, they still have a shelf life on the hygiene and quality of fabric tips.
Plus, it’s a good idea to have some sheet variety too — a set of cotton ones, year-round, flannel for the cooler months (the warmer your bed is, the less you will have to rely on your HVAC to keep you warm), linen when it’s warmer and a polyester blend if you want some super soft sheets and yet you’re on a budget.
While you’re at it, it also can’t hurt to cop yourself a new comforter. Down comforters are always going to be your best bet because their breathability factor will keep you from overheating (although they are great at keeping you warm as well). Some other benefits include being eco-friendly, soft, and super durable.
February: Do Some Deep Breathing Techniques
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If you want to immediately reduce your stress levels after having a long, hard day, get into some deep breathing. By doing so, not only will you feel less anxious and more relaxed, but deep breathing has also been proven to put you into a better mood, lower your heart rate, and help you sleep so much better. As far as which deep breathing techniques are best, the 4-7-8 one is popular.
It consists of breathing in for four counts, holding your breath for seven counts, and then releasing the air for a count of eight, then rinsing and repeating several times. Some other techniques that are pretty effective include diaphragmatic breathing, box breathing, and the Papworth method. You can read about those (and more) here.
March: Incorporate 10 Minutes of Body Stretches Each Evening
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Something that I’m pretty sure not nearly enough of us do before bedtime is stretch our bodies. Stretching is highly beneficial because it helps to loosen your muscles, relax your body, and put your system in the state where it can better rejuvenate itself. Also, if you’re someone who works out and you want to avoid muscle spasms in the middle of the night (because ain’t nothin’ like a charley horse waking you up out of nowhere), stretching before sleeping can significantly decrease your chances of that happening as well. If you’d like to devote a bit of time to stretching out your body before catching some zzz’s, click here and here for some stretch recommendations.
April: Try This: Less Technology. More Reading.
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With 57 percent of Americans admitting that they are addicted to their phones (check out “8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.”) and 60 percent saying that they sleep with their phones — a month of phone detox at night can’t hurt nobody, especially if you suspect that your phone plays a role in you not sleeping as well as you should. Matter of fact, if you are feeling that way, science can back it. Between the blue light of your screen(s) jacking up your melatonin production to your screens overstimulating and distracting you, it’s no surprise that more people are getting less rest than ever, chile.
And what if you’re someone who needs to "settle" into sleeping? READ.
Research reveals that reading before bedtime helps to put your brain on a sleep schedule, relax your body, calm your mind, and, so long as it’s not content that gets your heart racing (like horror stories or thrillers), it can bring you holistic peace, too. Just make sure that you go with an old-fashioned page-turner and not an e-book. Y’all, electronic reads still produce the blue light that I was just talking about, and so, unless you’re gonna go the audiobook route, an e-book is basically…counterproductive.
May: Take a Magnesium, Calcium and Zinc Supplement
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I don’t know how many times I have recommended taking a magnesium, calcium, and zinc supplement, but consider this to be another one. Specifically, when it comes to resting better, magnesium is good for you because it helps to relax your brain, nerves, and muscles, lower bodily inflammation, reduce PMS, decrease migraine discomfort, and regulate the neurotransmitters that are associated with sleeping.
Calcium is beneficial because it helps to prevent muscle contractions, helps your brain to use tryptophan and it can even help you to sleep straight through the night. And zinc? Zinc is a solid sleep agent because it helps to decrease inflammation, can aid in better regulating your sleep patterns, and improves your sleep quality overall. I’m telling you that I can personally attest to this because, on the nights when I take the supplement, my sleep experience is quite different than when I don’t.
June: Apply Cannabis Oil to Your Pressure Points
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I doubt that it comes as any surprise that weed use is pretty popular during the month of June. And since Cannabidiol (CBD) can be used in a variety of ways, including smoking it, eating it (edibles), capsules, aerosols, and oils, I thought I would use June as the month to provide a pressure point sleep hack. The reality is that CBD is pretty beneficial if you’re someone who deals with insomnia as it directly relates to feelings of anxiety. Some studies also reveal that if you take in CBD with a lower amount of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC which is the ingredient in weed that makes you feel “high”), it can also improve the quality of sleep that you experience.
And so, since parts on your body — like right behind your ear, your ankles and feet, and your wrists — are all considered to be pressure points that can help you to fall asleep quicker whenever pressure is (gently) applied to them, why not rub some cannabis oil on them as you’re winding down? Seems like an ideal combo to me. (If you’d like to give it a shot, Healthline has a list of highly recommended CBD oils right here.)
July: Attempt Some De-Stress Journaling
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If you’re not big on journaling and yet you do want to get more quality sleep in the new year, consider doing some stress journaling. It’s all about taking out some time to jot down the things that may be stressing you out. What purpose does that serve? Well, for one thing, “seeing” what’s going on in black and white can help you to organize your thoughts while writing your feelings about what’s going on can help you to feel validated — and that can reduce your anxiety levels so that you’re able to relax and sleep better.
Also, research indicates that if you make a point to share some “silver linings” or potential solutions to the cause of your stress, that can help calm and center you, which will make getting sound sleep a more realistic goal. Even writing for 10 minutes a night can accomplish all of this, by the way.
August: Play Some Nature Sounds
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I’m the kind of person who prefers to sleep in silence — well, that is until I started to do more research into how ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response), in the form of nature sounds, can do wonders…and they ain’t neva lied. Ever since I’ve been sleeping to rain sounds, I feel so much more rejuvenated when I wake up. From what I’ve read and researched, the reason why this sleep practice is so effective is nature sounds help to soothe our nervous system and reduce our natural inclination to take the “fight-or-flight” route.
Me personally, I really like listening to rain, thunderstorms or a winter blizzard although studies also say that the sounds of birds, running water or the rustling of leaves can significantly relax you too. YouTube has a ton of videos that run for hours, without commercials. Just go to the site and put the sound(s) that you’re after in the search engine. I’d be floored if you regret giving this tip a shot.
September: Implement “The Military Method”
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It actually wasn’t until I did some research for this article that I happened upon what is known as the military sleep method. If you’ve never heard of it before (either), it’s a type of breathing technique that claims that it can cause you to fall asleep in two minutes (I know, right?). Apparently, an Olympic sprint coach by the name of Lloyd “Bud” Winter came up with it, and its initial intention was to help military pilots get some shut-eye even in loud or dangerous environments.
Anyway, the method consists of things like deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and mind clearing — and hey, anything that can help you fall asleep in record time is worth at least trying out. You can learn more about how to try out the military sleep method by going here and here.
October: Sip on Honey Chamomile Lattes
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Although technically, a latte is a coffee that has milk in it, teas with milk are considered to be their own form of a latte these days, too. That said, if you’re someone who likes to sip on something before turning in, the fall season is the ideal time for a honey chamomile latte. For one thing, chamomile has been proven to relax your system, in part, thanks to the antioxidant apigenin which provides a sedative-like effect. And the combo of milk and honey?
Since both milk and honey have tryptophan properties, and those properties help trigger the production of melatonin within your body, a warm cup of honey chamomile latte is a delicious way to lull yourself to sleep. (Just make sure that if you have a hard time falling back to sleep after a bathroom run, don't consume liquids three hours before bedtime.)
November: Experiment with Yoga (Sleep) Positions
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It’s been well documented that yoga can do everything from reduce stress and back pain to make you more flexible and yes, help you to sleep so much better. That’s why you might want to consider getting into a few yoga poses before getting in bed. The butterfly pose (sitting with the soles of your feet together and your knees spread as far apart as possible) can reduce tension, while putting your legs against the wall (why lying on your back) can increase blood circulation.
Oh, and speaking of poses that can help you to sleep better, studies show that sleeping on your left side can reduce snoring, keep acid reflux from being as much of an issue, and it can keep your blood pressure around where it needs to be as well. Some additional yoga poses for sleep can be found here.
December: Massage Yourself
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Professional massages are bomb (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You”), there’s no doubt about that. However, if your budget is tight or you simply don’t have the time to book an appointment, that doesn’t mean that your body can’t reap the rewards — all you need to do is incorporate some self-massaging.
Yep, even rubbing on yourself will help ease stress and anxiety, bring relief to headaches, reduce muscle strain and tension, and increase blood circulation throughout your system. Tips for how to use a tennis ball to give yourself a massage can be found here. Tips for how to massage yourself with a foam roller can be found here. Tips for how to give yourself a facial massage can be found here.
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Just like your body needs food, water, and air, it needs to rest. It can only serve you well to apply habits that will help you not just to sleep, but to sleep soundly and completely. Here’s to a year of all of that, sis. Indeed.
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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