If there is one thing that 2020 and 2020 2.0 (which is what I call 2021) taught us, it's how important it is to prioritize our mental health and well-being. Yet in the midst of all of the drama that just refuses to let up around here, I totally get if that can be hard to do. That's why I've got a few hacks; ones that I hope will help to relax you, to center you, to not let this crazy world get you so caught up and frazzled that you're not able to focus on your priorities, your needs, your peace.
If it feels like you've been on edge lately and, no matter what you do, you can't seem to get a grip, here are eight things that can help to bring you back to the middle.
1. Create Something
In the Bible, the first thing that God is introduced as is being our Creator. Since the Good Book says that we are made in his image and likeness (Genesis 1), I am a firm believer that we all have the ability to create something — to make something that came out of our own thoughts or imagination. It might be a piece of jewelry. A photograph. An article. Some art. A DIY project. The list is endless yet when you are intentional about creating something unique and new, it affirms the power and ability that you have within your own being and how can that not be the ultimate kind of mental health boost?
2. Talk to a Positive Person
Lawd. There is so much negativity out in these streets that I think we should take out a moment to discuss some of the telling signs of what a positive person looks and lives like. Positive people tend to look for the good in all situations. Positive people like to laugh and have a good time. Positive people are self-aware and mindful. Positive people are supportive and encouraging of others. Positive people choose to let things go. Positive people don't wallow in negative feelings. Positive people are proactive about making wise and healthy choices. Positive people are solutions-oriented. Positive people surround themselves around other positive people.
Some days are gonna be better than others. Don't beat yourself up about that. However, instead of hopping on social media or calling that one relative who finds a way to see the bad in everything, connect with a positive person instead. I've got a friend who is always seeing life from a glass-half-full perspective. It's kind of hard to stay feeling "blue" when she sees things in "yellow"…if you know what I mean.
3. Buy Yourself a Plant or Some Flowers
Did you know that there are science-based reasons why having a plant in your house is a really good idea? Thanks to the organic compounds known as phytoncides, plants can help to reduce your stress levels which can ultimately boost your immune system. Since plant life also has a way of calming us down, they can actually boost your productivity levels if you have one at your desk or home office. And, because plants require some level of care, they are a way to help you to become more nurturing and compassionate to others as well. So yeah, if you're looking for a bit of a mental pick-me-up, a plant can be just the thing to help you do it.
While we're on this topic, something else that you can do is purchase a bouquet of flowers (check out "Love Fresh Flowers? Here Are Tips To Make Them Last Longer"). The combination of the colors and scent, along with making a proactive decision to do something to make you feel better is also a great way to give yourself the mental boost that you need.
4. Take a Nap
Something that my friends know about me is I talk about taking a nap like I am about to have sex with a 6'5" Godiva-coated king. I'm not joking. I think a big part of it is because, when I'm not counseling couples, I'm usually on my laptop writing about stuff like this which is a blessing (because I am doing what I want to do for a living, from the comfort and convenience of my house) and yet can also be a little draining too. And so, when my mind tells me that it wants a break, I give it just that. And because naps give me more energy and help me to feel refreshed, I am all about encouraging other folks to take one too.
If you're doing it strictly for the sake of your mental health — you know, in order to get through the rest of your day — there are a few things to keep in mind. For starters, a nap that lasts longer than 30 minutes can put you into a deep sleep that could cause you to wake up feeling groggier and/or throw off your sleep schedule at night. That's why you should set an alarm to go off at around 20 minutes, you should try and take a nap in the early afternoon, and you should do it in silence or with some ASMR nature sounds; that way, your brain can truly get some rest (without your mind working overtime, even in your sleep), so that you can feel significantly better once you awaken.
5. Have a Yogurt Smoothie, Salmon Salad, Some Guacamole or a Piece of Dark Chocolate
Having a little snack is something else that you can do to mentally get through the rest of your day. A yogurt-based smoothie is good because the potassium and magnesium can help to increase oxygen to your brain which can make you feel more alert. A salmon salad is bomb because salmon is high in omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin D, both of which are proven to reduce depression-related symptoms, sharpen your memory and improve your mood. I will make some fresh guacamole in a heartbeat — good thing too because the Vitamin K and folate that are in avocados can help to improve one's memory and concentration while the carotenoid lutein is great at strengthening brain function. Or how about a couple of pieces of dark chocolate? So long as it's 60 percent dark cocoa or more, you'll be taking in the antioxidants known as flavonoids which are awesome at keeping you alert and putting you into a better mood.
6. Turn Your Phone Off
Sometimes, what has us stressed out more than anything is the fact that either folks are constantly able to get a hold of us or we're overwhelmed by all of the info that we're consuming online. The device that typically makes this possible is our phone. While I know it might seem like you can't live without your smartphone, a lot of us are old enough to remember what it was like to only have landlines and I promise you that we survived — thrived even. Unless you are a parent, there is no need to feel hesitant about turning off your phone from time to time. Even if you are, at least silence those notifications for a few hours a day.
The sense of urgency that phones provide is an illusion. Folks can text or leave a message after the beep and whatever your social media accounts are talking about, you can pick up where you left off whenever you log back on. (For more reasons to take this tip to heart, check out "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.")
7. Write Someone a Thank-You Note
If there is one thing that the absolute cyclic-ness of this pandemic has taught me (Lawd, did folks learn anything last year?!), it's how selfish and unteachable human nature can be (especially in the United States). If you're not careful, it can get you either super caught up or really jaded. One way to avoid this is to focus on the things that you should be grateful for. One way to do that is to handwrite a thank-you note to someone.
It can be a friend, a co-worker, someone who works at a favorite store — even your partner or child. By making the time to tell another person what you truly appreciate about them, it can remind you about the good things that still exist in this world while helping you to not be so self-consumed. Besides, the response that you get from that person will be sure to put a smile on your face. It's a "win" all the way around.
8. Toast Yourself
I am BIG on toasting myself. I will straight-up go to the store, get myself some bubbly (sometimes alcoholic, sometimes not), fill up a champagne flute, and think of something that I am proud of (even if it's as simple as not cussing somebody out who really needed it or paying a bill ahead of time) and "drink" to it. Y'all, sometimes, we're so consumed by all of the ways that we can improve that we don't take a minute to celebrate how far we've come — even if it's in tiny increments.
When it comes to mental health hacks that can immediately do you some good, I'm signing off here because ending the day with a toast to yourself can do wonders. I've been doing it for years and it always makes me feel really good. About myself. Which is always a mental health boost. Cheers!
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Originally published on September 9, 2021
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
What Is Your Vaginal Microbiome? How Does It Affect Your Overall Health?
Welp. Here I am, back again, with another article on how we can all take better care of our vaginas. I must admit that even though the vagina (our beautiful flower) is something that I am semi-passionate about sharing information on, even I continue to be amazed by just how much intel there is to learn.
Take the vaginal microbiome, for example. Even if you do happen to know what that is (and you get an automatic 10 points if indeed you do!), how often do you hear it brought up in conversation, in articles, or even on social media? And yet, as you’re about to see in just a moment, if more of us focused on taking good care of this very thing, our vagina — and overall health — would prosper on a whole ‘nother level.
So, if you’re curious about something that you maintain to keep your vagina in the best shape possible, read on. This here will certainly do it.
What Is Your Vaginal Microbiome?
Mother Nature Art GIF by Emilia SchettinoGiphyOkay, so what exactly is the vaginal microbiome? Well, let’s begin with the term human microbiota.
The long short of it is each human has a whopping 10-100 trillion symbiotic microbial cells in their body; most of them are housed in the gut. What this is called is the human microbiota. Well, the genetic profile of the microbiota is known as the microbiome, and the vaginal microbiome, specifically, consists of the different types of bacteria that are housed in a woman’s genital tract.
The reason why all of this is so vital is because, since 80 percent of your immune system is housed in your gut and the overgrowth of bacteria in your genital tract can lead to various infections (especially bacterial vaginosis, which is otherwise known as BV), you’ve got to be proactive in taking good care of both your microbiota as well as your microbiome.
As far as your human microbiota — which is sometimes called your gut microbiome — is concerned, you can check out a few tips on how to properly care for it here. In the meantime, when it comes to your vaginal microbiome, we’ll get more into how to keep it in good condition below.
How Does Your Vaginal Microbiome Impact Your Overall Health and Well-Being?
You definitely want your vaginal microbiome to be as healthy as possible. The main reason why is that it helps to keep your vagina at a good pH level which creates an environment where you are less vulnerable to vaginal infections, including STI/STDs, bacterial vaginosis (BV), yeast infections, urinary tract infections (UTIs) and pelvic inflammatory disease. Also, if you are currently in the process of trying to conceive, a healthy vaginal microbiome can help to reduce your chances of your baby being born prematurely. So yeah, having and maintaining a healthy vaginal microbiome is a pretty big deal.
Not only that but when you end up getting recurring infections, that can end up taking a toll on your overall health and well-being. For instance, studies reveal that STI/STDs can increase your chances of getting cancer, developing problems with your nervous system, heart disease, and even neurological damage. Or if BV goes untreated , that can increase your chances of getting an STI/STD, developing pelvic inflammatory disease, or being diagnosed with endometriosis.
So basically, the more proactive you are in taking care of your vaginal microbiome, the better your chances are of your health remaining in great condition, period.
5 Things You Can Do to Keep Your Vaginal Microbiome in Good Shape
Menstrual Cup GIF by Period NirvanaGiphyIf you just read all of what I said and you’re thinking something along the lines of, “Okay, Shellie, simplify what I need to do to take care of my vaginal microbiome,” — the first thing that I would say is you need to make sure that there are more “good bacteria” in your genital tract than bad. A surefire way to do that is to consume probiotics, specifically, the kind that are high in lactobacilli, because it contains what helps your vaginal pH to remain where it needs to be.
If you’ve never taken probiotics in a supplement form before, a list of some of the (current) best ones for women’s health is located here and here.
Aside from that, here are five other proven and effective things that you can do:
1. Eat plant-based foods.
One of the main goals that you should have is to “feed your vagina” foods that will either give it more good bacteria or will help the good bacteria that is already in your vagina thrive; many plant-based ones will do just that. Prebiotic ones like onions, asparagus, and bananas will help healthy bacteria to grow. Probiotic foods like sauerkraut and pickles help to create good bacteria.
Foods that are high in fiber, like sweet potatoes, blueberries, and almonds, can help lactobacilli to remain intact (while we’re here, processed food has been proven to throw your vaginal microbiome off, so please consume them in extreme moderation).
2. Use a menstrual cup.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times. Lawd, I wish that I wasn’t late in the game when it comes to using a menstrual cup. Although on my heavy period days, I was going to need the backup of pads regardless, on lighter ones, a cup feels like you’re not on your cycle at all! Oh, how I adore them so.
As far as your vaginal microbiome goes, they’re bomb because, well, since cups collect blood (instead of just letting blood lodge in your vagina like tampons do), studies say that you increase your chances by 37 percent to have a healthier vaginal microbiome and reduce your chances by 26 percent of not getting BV at all. Sounds like a win, all the way around, if you ask me.
3. Make sure your lubricant is pH-balanced.
Although some people think that lubricant should only be used if you naturally struggle with getting wet, I don’t agree. So much, in fact, that I once penned, “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant.” Just make sure that you go with a lube that will help your vagina to remain at the pH level that it should be (which is somewhere between 3.8-5.0).
Silicone-based ones are good in this department. Plus, they last longer than water-based lubricants and are safe to use with condoms or on your sex toys.
4. Consistently sterilize your sex toys.
Speaking of sex toys, please make sure to sterilize yours after each and every use. Not only does it help to keep bad bacteria at bay, but it also reduces your chances of getting an STI/STD or even BV or a UTI. For tips on how to properly clean yours, click here.
5. Drink some coffee. Or green tea. Or red wine.
If very few things bring you joy, like a hot cup of java, I’ve got great news for you. Since coffee contains polyphenols and polyphenols are plant-based chemical compounds that are loaded with antioxidants, drinking coffee can help to support the good bacteria that are in your vagina (so long as you don’t overdo it!).
If coffee isn’t your thing, green tea and red wine have these polyphenols in them, too.
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Featured image by Miguel Sotomayor/Getty Images