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How Mental Health Impacts Sex, According To Sexual Wellness Professionals
I don't know about you ladies, but when I'm not in the mood, she's not in the mood - and when I say she, I mean my treasure box. There have been countless occasions where I've wanted to be intimate with my boyfriend, but I couldn't just seem to bring myself to do it. Sometimes, I'm completely out of it and don't even want to be touched. It's not that I don't want to, but sometimes I don't want to - it may not make sense reading it, but ladies, you know what I mean, right?
During my depression spells, I usually don't want so much as an arm to be around me and the idea of sexual activity doesn't turn me on as much as it usually does. When I'm stressed out and my anxiety levels are to the roof, the last thing on my mind is to relieve my stress with body-to-body meetings with my boyfriend; and that's OK, too.
Throughout the duration of my depression spells and anxiety attacks during my stay here in quarantine with my boyfriend, we haven't been exactly getting to know each other more in the physical sense. It's not that I am not attracted to him or don't want to be intimate, but my desire for sexual pleasure is compromised and I don't feel my sexiest when my mind is elsewhere and I feel like I'm not even in control of my own body. In order to help combat the stigma surrounding sex and its relationship with mental health, I spoke with sex educators, bloggers and mental health professionals.
How Does Your Mental Health Affect Your Sex Life
Mental Health, Sex & Intimacy
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"Mental health is key in arousal and libido. If there is instability with arousal, there is often an effect in libido. When anxiety, depression, or stress is high, libido can often disappear," explains Dr. Lexx Brown-James, CEO of The Institute for Sexuality and Intimacy, LLC. Mental health is an integral part of physical health and the central nervous system (CNS). When our mental health is compromised, our physical and emotional health follows, which translates into sexual activity, or lack thereof, and our inability to connect emotionally and sexually with our partners.
"When your mental health is off, it can be harder to desire sexual intimacy at all with your partner," sex educator and blexApp coach Tatyannah King states about the impact on your sexuality and confidence during the decline of your mental health. "This can create emotional and sexual distance between couples because someone may feel like their partner isn't attracted to them anymore whereas the person whose mental health is struggling truly finds it hard to stay present because their mind is preoccupied with the many things that are making them feel anxious."
Managing Medication Side Effects, Lower Sex Drive & Sexual Dysfunction
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For some of us, mental health is managed through medication and traditional medicine. However, sometimes medication can have a negative side effect on intimacy and connectivity. "Some medication can cause a decrease in libido and affect the length of time it takes to be aroused, making it take longer to get aroused and hard to reach any type of desired orgasm," Dr. Lexx Brown-James adds in.
When life stressors cause distress in our physical health and are managed through prescription medication, sexual wellness can be compromised and not-so-positively affected. "Medications can be disruptive to a woman's level of sexual arousal triggering reduced vaginal lubrication thus resulting in associated pain with sex. Negative side effects of medication will influence an individual's mood swings, reduce sexual desire, lower libido, eliminate sex drive or desire to orgasm," sex eduator, blexApp coach, and founder of pauseWHAT? Robyn Harris says about the negative sexual side effects and emotions that are often paired with medication.
"Medication induced sexual dysfunctions can lead to feelings of embarrassment, severe anxiety, emotional alienation and personal distress," Robyn continues. "If intimacy and sex connectivity issues develop through the use of medication, visit your doctor and be openly candid about your concerns."
Stigmas and Sexually Liberated Women
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Like Estelle once said, "I can be a freak every day of every week," and I have no shame in my game. Women are oftentimes shamed for being naturally sexually beings and labeled as "promiscuous", "too sexy" or "thirsty". "There are countless negative stigmas against women that take control of their sexuality," starts certified sex educator Irma G. "Purity culture that stresses virginity until marriage and the idea of one's worth being reduced if premarital sex was had, and even more so when one has had multiple sex partners. You're basically a Jezebel at that point - but I would like to point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a Jezebel," Irma exclaims. "Hell, I'm one!"
From catcalling to slut-shaming and rape culture, the community enhances the notion of women "asking for it" by wearing "revealing" clothing and embracing their sexuality when sexually assaulted or harassed, anywhere between the workplace to a nightclub and within their own homes. Even those who are deemed as anything set apart from the heteronormative standard is put more at risk due to their occupation, sexual orientation, gender identifcation or gender performance. "Sex workers and trans-women are seen as people with no value due to either their job in sexuality or for their identity," Irma adds. "This causes violence against them to rise and for rape culture to respond with 'they asked for it' or 'they shouldn't have been doing that'.These groups are seen as less-deserving of respect for simply existing or making a living."
Talk To Me Nice
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OK, so we all remember that awkward "Birds and the Bees" talk we got about how sex works when we were younger, right? While that may have been a good breakdown for the youngins to destroy the myth about the stork dropping off our children like the United States Postal Service, we as a society need to be held accountable for driving positive conversation about the relationship between mental health and sex. "There are still massive taboos between mental health and sexual wellness, which is dangerous considering how interconnected the two are," explains writer, sex educator and podcaster Cameron Glover. "I've written about the need for us to have more conversations about how the two are interconnected before, but it bears repeating that we can't keep the two separate. Sexual wellness is part of wellness, and if we're shying away from much-needed, solution-driven conversations on how people can navigate it safely because we're afraid of touching on 'taboo' or uncomfortable topics, then we're doing a massive disservice to our communities."
"It's also important that sexuality professionals are brought forward into spaces where health and wellness are being discussed, and not just pigeonholed to talking about sex in connection to pleasure and anatomy," the Sex Ed in Color Podcast host shares. "These topics are important, but if we want to move forward with integrating sexual wellness and mental health, sex educators need to be brought into spaces where both are being discussed."
Masturbation, Self-Love and Mental Health
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Everyone needs a bit of self-love, but I don't mean the spa day and glass of Chardonnay. I'm talking about self-love in a physical, seductive, natural way called masturabation. Masturbation oftentimes has a negative connotation to it that it's shameful, sinful or just downright nasty - but that's not the case at all. "Masturbation has been shown to have many mental health benefits. Masturbation may increase sexual desire and feelings of pleasure and satisfaction, improve mood, promote relaxation, relieve stress and anxiety, ease stress-related tension, and improve sleep," says Dr. Wendasha Jenkins Hall about the positive side effects of masturbation.
The women's sexual health and wellness researcher and educator continues to shed light upon the relationship between mental illnesses and masturbation. "However, masturbation is often associated with anxiety and depression. It has not been shown to cause depression or anxiety, but masturbation can exacerbate them in some people. Typically, it's our cultural, religious, or personal norms and convictions around sex and self-pleasure that can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, especially if we're taught to view sex in a negative light. If this is the case, a person may experience depression or anxiety after masturbating, or having sex in general."
She later adds that though rare, some people believe that an addiction to masturbation is possible in some people, which can then become problematic if it interferes with one's daily life, relationships, and responsibilities.
Any Advice?
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Oftentimes when I don't want to have sex, it's because my stress levels and anxiety are all over the place and my yoni can't stand the pressure of it all. As your mental health fluctuates, so can your libido and it's important to listen to the needs of your body as it ebbs and flows with your mental wellness. "I would encourage people first to listen to their bodies. While things like frequency or length of sex might feel important, resist the urge to try and shame or judge your body into behaving differently; spoiler alert – it likely won't work. Instead, center pleasure," advises Shadeen Francis, LMFT.
"What would feel good to you? Is there any way you could connect to your body that could feel pleasurable or satisfying?"
The sex and relationship therapist shares with xoNecole. "Examples might be sitting in the sun, getting spanked, taking time to lotion your skin, laying under a heavy blanket, or being tickled. Communicate with your sexual partner [or partners] about what is happening, what kind of support you need, and what kinds of play you're available for. It is not unusual for partners to be surprised, disappointed, or even frustrated by the changes, however mental health is health, and nobody should be shamed or judged for being unwell."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
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“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
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Bonding Oil
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Featured image courtesy
It’s funny how a breakup can be the best or worst thing that’s ever happened to you. It has the power to completely change your life, whether it knocks you down or empowers you to evolve. Either way, whatever happens next is up to you. That can feel like a lot of pressure when you don’t even want to get out of bed. But sometimes, all it takes is a moment of encouragement, inspiration, and motivation that you’re not crazy for wanting to send that drunk text or stalk your ex on social media.
But in those heartbreaking moments, you can tap into your inner resilience and strength, knowing that there’s a reason the relationship came to an end. Whatever that is, please trust that whatever is meant for you will be so much better, including the you that comes out on the other side.
This is the perfect time to heal, rediscover you, and open yourself up to love again. Here are 12 books to help you do that and more.
Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force
Whether you were the initiator or the receiver of a breakup, the end of a relationship can be traumatic. But it can also help you find the confidence you might have lost in the aftermath. Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force reminds you that your true self is worth loving and pulls you out of the status quo that you might have fallen into in your relationship. It lets you know that it’s more than okay to clap for yourself and the growth you’ve accomplished while unleashing your boldness. Tap in!
Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away
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Nobody wins when the relationship ends. But if we’re honest, many of us want the other person to at least regret the parting of ways. Like, did we matter at all? Natasha Adamo’s Win Your Breakup: How to Be The One That Got Away talks us off the ledge of trying to prove that we have the upper hand (and quoting Beyoncè’s “She ain’t no divaaa” under anyone’s post that your ex appears to be moving on with).
Instead, Adamo motivates us to focus on our own journey after the breakup because it will be tough enough without being preoccupied with what our exes are doing. You have a whole life after this, and your best days are ahead of you, not behind. You truly win when you decide to walk away from whatever negativity came with the breakup and focus on you. ‘Cause we’re not looking back, sis.
Emotional Self-Care for Black Women
Amazon
One of the best things you can do in this moment is be selfish and think about you. If self-care is a priority in your healing journey, think about diving intoEmotional Self-Care for Black Womenby Alicia Magoro. It takes you through the process of improving your self-esteem, getting rid of negative thoughts, and truly healing from past traumas, each of which is crucial after a breakup. No matter how crazy life is as you try to put the pieces back together, taking moments to truly uncover the reality of your feelings and emotions is essential to your healing.
Break Up With What Broke You
Amazon
I feel like a key step in getting through a heartbreak is cookie dough ice cream, any Shonda Rhimes show, and a box of tissues. But unfortunately *sigh* that can’t last forever. When it’s time to push through, Break Up With What Broke You by Christian Bevere is waiting for you. When you’re ready to overcome the comfort of who you’ve always been, this book helps you evolve into who you’ve been meant to be all along. If you need a book that provides steps with compassion and grace instead of a no-nonsense approach, this is for you (cause who’s trying to get their feelings hurt?)
How To Get Over A Boy
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‘Cause that’s all we’re trying to do, right? I love the theory of How To Get Over A Boy by Chidera Eggerue because it reminds us that men, or any partner we have, do not belong on a pedestal. As amazing as they may be, you’re just as dope! Eggerue isn’t having you tap into your inner fineness to help you find a man or get a text back with outdated tactics. No, sis. This book is all about reminding you that you are the true prize, and there’s nothing wrong with carrying yourself as such. Yes, wanting to be in a relationship again is natural and inevitable. But for now, it’s also okay to find satisfaction with yourself.
Didn’t See That Coming: Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart
Amazon
All of the signs may have been there, but a breakup can still be shocking. We’ve tried to see the best in our now-ex, and it may have left us holding the bag. Any breakup can be devastating, but if you’re trying to get through a traumatic one, add Didn’t See That Coming by Rachel Hollis to your list. The title alone is funny because it’s ironic and true. And in all seriousness, it pulls you out of being stuck in your pain and trauma and encourages you to be a better you when all is said and done. Your breakup doesn’t have to be detrimental to your life. It can be a turning point to help you transition into the woman you never thought you could.
I Almost Forgot About You
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Isn’t it crazy how after a breakup, almost everything reminds you of that person? From a song that’s shuffled into your playlist and inside jokes to a hilarious viral video on social media, it feels like you can’t escape. Thankfully, our good sis Terry McMillan did her good work with her novel I Almost Forgot About You. No, it’s not a non-fiction book that gives you ways to get through your heartbreak, but it tells the story of a woman named Dr. Georgia Young, who’s going through a transformation of her own to find her inner shero after quitting her job and relocating. The relatable ups and downs she experiences as she bravely takes on unexpected risks can inspire and let you escape for a while.
Sis, Don’t Settle: How to Stay Smart in Matters of the Heart
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Following our hearts is all fun and games until it leaves us in an agonizing situation. Sis, Don’t Settle by Faith Jenkins gives us a much-needed reminder not to give in to the desire to be in a relationship just to avoid being alone. Whether your ex checked every box on your list or you compromised because you saw potential in what it could be (we’ve all been there, love), let’s decide to not let our hearts or emotions cause us to settle for less. I love this book because it drops the fluff and gives relatable ways to be smart about love, have healthy and loving relationships, and not rush the process.
The Art of Letting Go
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I read a meme that said, “If overthinking was a sport, I’d be an Olympic gold medalist.” And I felt seen. After a breakup, it’s so easy to replay those final moments in your head over and over again, especially if you were blindsided. The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm) by Nick Trenton walks you through doing exactly that.
No matter what happened, the brutal reality is we can’t do anything to change it, and mentally running it on a loop does more harm than good, sis. This book lets your mind be a safe place full of peace and tranquility instead of a battle zone. It inspires you to embrace the present without yearning for the past or being afraid of the future.
The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce
Amazon
Like many books on this list, The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman's Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce empowers you to channel your inner power, rediscover your worth, and flourish like you’ve always wanted. If you’re like me, you might not know where to start after a major (and possibly unexpected) life transition. How do you even begin to move on without sitting in the aftermath for too long?
This book, penned by Rachen A. Sussman, serves as a guide for you to truly heal from the devastation one step at a time. Because it’s okay to take things slow. It features three phases of recovery — healing, understanding, and transformation — providing a clear road map to not just surviving a breakup, but coming out whole on the other side.
I love this version of myself that you brought out: a memoir of a broken heart
Amazon
Can we just take a second to salute the power of a breakup? Whether it sparks your international solo eat, pray, love journey or makes you truly consider what you want in life for you, as horrible as it can be, good things can come out of the parting of ways. I love this version of myself that you brought outby Jaymen Chang gets real about the good, bad, and the ugly, from wishing you could unsend that vulnerable text message, to waking up one day feeling different and ready to move on. Pick this one up when you’re ready to cry it out, process, and enter your season of becoming.
When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal
Amazon
When the dust settles, how are you for real? You may be excited about the idea of using your breakup as an excuse to glow up, or you may be heartbroken and just aren’t in the space to think beyond turning on Mary J. Blige and drinking wine in a bathrobe. And that’s okay. When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest encourages you to embrace the true work of your healing journey. It can be soul-crushing, yet rewarding. With dozens of essays geared toward your process, this book realizes that it doesn’t take one day or one thing to heal.
It’s an ongoing life moment as you recover from the person (or people) who just wasn’t the best for you. As you find yourself again and welcome the things and people who truly love you, you’ll flourish even through the pain.
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