Black Men On How Mental Health Struggles Impacted Their Relationships
I remember the first time I started to notice I was struggling with my mental health. It was three years ago and I was completely burnt out. I was getting anxious and worried about every sudden change that happened, and I was irritable about everything. It affected my work, my relationship with my family, and my love life. We always hear about how "strong" Black women are. We are women who get up every day to run our own businesses, climb up the corporate ladder, take care of the children, support our friends/partner, and uplift the next woman all at the same damn time.
Doesn't that sound exhausting—to be expected to carry all of these things on your shoulders and to still show up with a smile on your face? This can take a toll on anyone—mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. In the same way that Black women are not given enough space to really talk about their struggles, it's the same, if not worse, for our Black men. Black men have their own weight of the world to carry and have been conditioned to avoid addressing how their mental health has impacted their lives, especially in relationships.
I know we have all experienced relationships or friendships when things just feel "off". We can either assume the guy is "trippin'" or we can accuse the guy of acting immature. But what if it's deeper than that? Just like we Black women have our days working with our own issues, it could be applied to men, too. What if the guy you are dating is dealing with a mental health issue and hasn't figured out how to really balance it, in the name of love?
I am all for providing a safe space for both my Black men and women to really understand where each of us is coming from. These four Black men were able to be completely honest with me with the deets on what goes on in their minds for matters of the heart:
*Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.
Khas, 30
"When I was younger I was placed into foster care at around six years old. I had a lot of behavioral challenges and was labeled as an 'at-risk youth'. They had me going to therapy, group counseling, and taking medication, all to control me. Now that I am an adult and I am more aware of my story, I am able to identify my mental health challenges that stem back to my childhood. Part of my self-care has been practicing self-awareness and giving myself permission to explore resources that teach me how to cope with feelings I may have never experienced before or I have and just don't know why.
"In past relationships, it was as if I was six years old again, feeling things that I couldn't explain, but in adult form. So every time I would feel things I couldn't explain, I would sometimes react in unhealthy ways, not because I was a bad person but because I grew up in environments that didn't teach me how to handle my emotions. I didn't learn conflict resolution growing up. I'm only really learning it now.
"Every failed relationship taught me that we have to remember that we are meeting people in the middle of their stories. I was showing up in relationships with baggage that I didn't even know I was carrying, and so were they. We all want love and healthy relationships. But at the time, I wasn't aware I wasn't ready for any of it. We are both showing up as the sum total of everything that we have been through and sometimes we haven't healed yet.
"I think mental health and Black men get a bad rap. Black men who are serious about their mental health or who advocate for it are often met with criticism instead of open arms or even open-mindedness. And I think that speaks to how the Black community at large, especially men, is still fighting to change the narrative around mental health. A lot of us come from families where mental health wasn't a thing. A lot of it is ignorance and a misconception that if you go to get the help that there is something wrong with you and then you're labeled.
"There is also a lack of resources if we're to be honest. We don't talk enough about how self-care is a luxury. Everyone can't afford or have access to it. But despite the stigma, I think we have a responsibility to check in with ourselves and do whatever we can to be the best that we can be. Once you get a handle on your mental health, you can handle relationships and businesses well, your career thrives, and everything attached to you starts to prosper. It is truly liberating."
Devin, 29
Courtesy of Devin
"I think the biggest moment I realized I was struggling with my mental health was when I moved to a new city by myself in 2017. I recognized that a lot goes into not just being an adult, but having a work-life balance and paying attention to how outside factors impact me. I noticed how I would cling to past romantic relationships and string them out longer than they needed to be. I have decided to seek help since then, but I haven't done so just yet. The main reason is that I have prioritized other things above this and honestly one of the things I factor into it is money. Working in education, I'm not making shit. I do know that I have some assistance in my healthcare package with my job, but I just haven't acted on it yet.
"With trying to balance work and my romantic relationships, people felt like they couldn't read me. When I would be feeling depressed, I would shut down and not be as open. Sometimes I felt that I could articulate what I was going through at the time, the best way I could, but it was either not being received or I wasn't being understood. I have learned from those moments that I need to refine my communication on my emotional state in the future."
Chris, 30
Courtesy of Chris
"I really got a grasp on my mental health when I was in college. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression, and I have tried therapy and prescription drugs. With therapy, I compared it to going to the gym. You go in and once you're done you feel great. But once you leave, you eventually start going back to those old ways—like it was only effective when I was there, not afterward. With the medication, I have tried five to six prescriptions, but things were not working. Since I'm an Illustrator, I've been able to put a lot of emphasis on keeping myself busy with my passion and using it when times get rough.
"With my girlfriend and I, I have always had a hard time expressing myself and getting my point across. It would take me weeks to express something so small that could have been handled sooner if I would've just said something in that moment. I also isolate myself a lot. I don't want to be a burden and bring any bad vibes to anyone when I am feeling down."
"Now that we have a son, I want to say that I have improved a bit. Before, if I would get upset, I would sit in that mood for weeks and sometimes months. Now, I have managed to be upset for a couple of days and sometimes not even that long. When I get stressed out, I want to step away, but you can't do that with a four-year-old, especially during these times. So I try the breathing exercises and stick it out for my son. I want my family to work, so I am putting in the work by communicating and making sure my girl knows that I am still the man she fell in love with, despite my diagnosis. It's an everyday process, but it's important to seek out any positivity and hold on to it."
Avrey, 31
"When I noticed I was struggling with my mental health, it [was] toward the middle of 2019. I put a lot of pressure on myself as a husband and a father of two because I didn't grow up in a two-parent household. Technically, I'm adopted, and not having that relationship with either of my parents is what I have realized really impacted me. My wife and I just started marriage counseling.
"Granted, my wife and I have an immaculate friendship and are wonderful parents to our kids together, but when it comes down to our relationship, we operate differently in what makes us tick. During counseling, one of the hardest parts for me is that I am very vocal and articulate how I feel. But I didn't know I wasn't articulating everything. Whenever there is a conflict or a confrontation, I have a template where I handle every situation the same way and that's not going to work. So for both of us, it has been this peeling of the banana and peeling back these layers so we can get over the hump.
"I commend my wife for being there for me naturally and admittedly I know I pushed her away being guarded and defensive. I grew up in an environment where it's either 'Get them or get got' and I needed to learn how to not be figuratively armed all the time. So now I am working on undoing some of the damage I have caused. I applaud her for being patient with me and it makes me love her that much more.
"For my men who are struggling, it's OK to be vulnerable. It's OK to understand that you may have been susceptible to certain experiences you wish have never happened. Do not allow it to hold you back from who you are meant to be. Us men, we try to shoulder the world of everything that we were told that we ain't and everything we haven't been given. We can't do it all alone. We also have to understand the importance of the Black woman and how she contributes to our lives.
"Black women have been doing the same thing for years and years and that is protecting Black men. So it is up to us to protect Black women by healing ourselves and stopping this vicious cycle of toxic masculinity. We have to take ownership of that."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
Exclusive: Dreka Gates Talks Farm Life, Self-Mastery, And Her Wellness Brand
Dreka Gates is making a name in wellness through authenticity and innovativeness. Although we were introduced to her as a music manager for her husband, Kevin Gates, she has now carved out her own lane outside of music as a wellness entrepreneur. But according to Dreka, this is nothing new.
In an xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
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If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But COVID hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
"I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots."
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
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From 9-To-5 To Self-Made: How To Transition Into Self-Employment Without Going Broke
Taking a leap from working for a company to self-employment is not easy, but if you're thinking about doing it, you'll be among many other ambitious women. According to Forbes, self-employment rates went up among us post-pandemic. Women represent at least 40 percent of all self-employed professionals, an increase from 34 percent in 2016.
According to other research, among women-owned businesses, 90 percent have no employees. Ninety-six percent of Black-owned businesses, overall, have no employees. Self-employment has also been deemed an “essential part of the economic stability of mothers,” with women launching their own sole proprietorships and side hustles (or freelancing their skills to brands and companies) in order to have time and earnings flexibility.
Women left their jobs in droves during the Great Resignation, and although some have returned to work, many, like myself, are still riding self-employment until the wheels fall off. Leaving a stable job with benefits to go off on your own, you might be thinking, "Well, how will I pay my bills? I've got a lifestyle to uphold."
Here's what has helped me and many others in planning to make an exit from a 9-to-5 to pursue dreams of working for ourselves:
1. Tighten up that spending and map out an adjusted budget for your future self-employment life.
This is almost like budgeting backward. Think about what you'd like your life to look like once you've gone off on your own, and figure out a ballpark figure of how much that lifestyle will cost. Be sure to note the non-negotiables first (like childcare, housing, food, education, social life, church, and other expenses already part of your budget that you refuse to compromise on).
Get clear on why you're pursuing self-employment in the first place (i.e., to travel full-time, downsize in order to live simpler, focus on mental health, prioritize stay-at-home parenting, or retire early) and what lifestyle aspects might change because of your choice.
This will help inform the budget you put together that will prompt actions to lead to your tomorrow, not those that are sustaining you today.
Do you need to fast from Amazon purchases for six months to a year in order to save up? Do you need to purchase more insurance policies? Do you need to set aside funds to invest in a website or get more training in order to step fully into self-employment? Do you need to move to a smaller home, get a roommate, or decline more than a few happy hours in order to have enough money to feel confident in leaving your job?
2. Set a number and a deadline for when you'll resign so that you can follow a deliberate savings plan to reach a specific goal.
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If you want to have a certain quality of life once self-employed, figure out that dream number and then work toward achieving that (or at least build habits that will get you to that number once you're self-employed for good.)
And set a deadline for leaving in order to plan savings accordingly. For example, if I were working a 9-to-5 and needed $20,000 in order to feel secure enough to quit my job (with the consideration that I might possibly be without steady income for the first six months and need to cover basic bills during that time), I'd need to save up little over $3,300 a month for six months in order to do that.
You can break down the cost in months, weeks, or years, depending on your deadline, timeline to resign, and financial obligations you'll still need to cover once you quit your job.
3. Talk with a financial adviser, bank rep, or accountant to help you crunch some numbers.
If you find the thought of leaving a job and going the self-employed route stressful when it comes to financially planning the shift, get some help. Many credit unions and banks offer resources and professionals who can let you know what shifts you might need to make financially or give you a real sense of how you're already spending money so that you can adjust your budget to save and plan financially for your new future.
Be sure if you go with an accountant that they're certified and that they have experience working with entrepreneurs or self-employed professionals. They might also be able to suggest ballpark figures for changes in taxes and interest rates that might need to be considered (or at least lead you into thinking about those things so you can take your questions to a tax expert).
Get the help you need so that you can arm yourself with information to fight fear and really take the action you need to set yourself up financially to transition into self-employment.
4. Use spreadsheets and other tech tools to help you track your plan and allow you to easily see the progress you're making in saving up and prepping for self-employment.
Sometimes spreadsheets can seem a bit complicated and annoying to use, but if you're good at creating and using them, please do. If you're not, there are templates you can use for budgeting that are perfect for setting up your "Quit My Job And Go Self-Employed" budget. You'll want to think about how much you can reasonably save, plus other ways to cut costs that won't drastically impact your quality of life, work output, or mental health.
If your bank has an app that tracks your spending and allows for organizing the information to track it, use that feature. You can also use budgeting apps to track your spending, offer reminders, or alert you of limits you've set so you can reach certain goals.
5. Start landing contracts and clients while you're employed.
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It might not be ideal to fast-track your quit date if you don't have savings or some other form of financial help, but if the pressure will motivate you, by all means, put things into high gear. I had very little savings when I left a job to go self-employed, and thank God it worked out, but I've learned through the years that the transition would have been a lot easier had I saved a bit more before resigning. I literally could have stayed an extra nine months to a year, gotten more clients and experience, and been a bit less stressed in my self-employment transition.
Even if your plan is two years from now, within those two years, you should be building up a framework that allows you to make more money today. Network, build that website, start offering your skills on a freelance basis as a side hustle, and funnel that money into savings for your future when you're fully self-employed. Talk to someone about investing some of those savings so that they can grow.
As long as what you're doing on the side is in alignment with any employment contracts and policies and does not jeopardize your standing at your day job, you can start squirreling money you're earning today doing what you will one day leave your job to do full time.
When I left my job years ago, I got my first client through a referral from someone I knew in my industry. My next one was also a referral---someone I'd worked with while being employed full-time at a company. By the time my little savings had run out, I'd already landed contracted work that guaranteed a certain amount of money, covering my bills through a certain period of time.
From there, I planned accordingly in order to increase my earnings, adding in clauses and other amendments in contracts to protect myself financially.
Transitioning into self-employment doesn't look the same financially for everyone, and some of us have to make real sacrifices in order to build up to the future life we want. For me, that included radically cutting out a few things I loved, leaving an apartment and going fully digital nomad, and maybe even taking on a few odd jobs in order to add to my savings in order to quit.
For you, it might look like cashing out that 401K (I did that, too, but beware of the penalties, as this should really be a last resort option.) For others, it might be using that "new car fund" to fund your life while you're working to land new clients from a beach paradise somewhere or living the exact same quality of life you had at your 9-to-5 because you were great with your savings, have help in the form of a spouse, or come into a cash settlement or inheritance.
However it looks for you, be smart with what you have, think positively and strategically about how you can realistically finance your transition, and utilize an exit plan that makes the transition much easier.
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