Kelly Rowland: "You Can't Allow The World To Tell You Who You Are"
Thoughts are not facts. I have to repeat this mantra to convince myself every day because if I let my thoughts or the thoughts of others define who I am, then I will never live up to my greatest potential. Many times, how other people feel about you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, and we have to learn how to not take their thoughts personally, and that's no easy task. Social media gives people the opportunity to be all up in your Kool-Aid without knowing the flavor, leaving them to make uninformed decisions about a life that they've never lived.
For years in the past and even sometimes now, I've let how other people felt about me mold my own perception of self. This left a void in my heart because I knew that I could never live up to other people's expectations of who I was supposed to be. And in chasing that image of perfection, I lost myself.
Kelly Rowland recently opened up in an interview with Broadly about how the pressure to please everyone but herself led her to one of the darkest places in her career. She said that one of the hardest challenges in her career was gaining the courage to understand that an individual's thoughts about her were based on their own perception, not her reality. She said that before she could truly grow, she had to stop believing the things that other people said about her.
"If someone says something negative, nine times out of 10, it's usually a situation where it's something they secretly feel they are, and they project that onto you. You have to know not to own it. It's so funny, because I'll tell young girls that now, [though] I know that they don't understand in that moment. I pray that some of them do. You really have to remind yourself how much people project. You can't allow the rest of the world to tell you who you are. Otherwise, you'll internalize all of the insecurities of the world."
From childhood, we are taught that we are "good" if we do things that please the ones we love, and "bad" if we rebel against the majority. We are stuck in this mindset throughout our adulthood, now pressured to please our family, friends, and lovers, without realizing that people's opinions about you are based on how they feel in that moment.
You can never gauge your own worth based on how much someone else values you. When I do something that makes you happy, you will say: wow Taylor, you are so great. But if I do something that you don't like, you will say: Taylor,you're horrible. I can't believe you when you tell me I'm great, because by that logic, I would have to believe you when you tell me I suck, and as much as I love you, I can't use your feelings to define how I perceive myself.
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Whether you tell me that I'm great or not, I know that I am and that's the peace that will sustain me. Kelly Rowland also understands that that peace comes at a cost. People won't always agree with the person that you authentically are, but the former Destiny's Child member stressed the importance of being unapologetically you.
She had this advice for young black women that struggle with defining their own identities in our tumultuous political climate:
"Don't apologize for who you are. Don't apologize for anything. Don't apologize for the curls of your hair, don't apologize for the color of your skin, don't apologize for the sway and swagger and urbanized moments we have with our speech that end up becoming trends."
Under an administration that constantly scrutinizes our blackness, it's easy to look at the news or social media and believe who they say we are. The key, she says, is to remember your own power in moments of weakness, and continue to bask in your queendom without apology.
"The woman is the matriarch, and I think that in my community, black women have always been the center and the matriarch of their families. When it's time for you, and you're learning how to be that, don't apologize for having a voice and speaking up. This goes not just for Black women, but of course, other women as well. Just, all around, don't apologize."
To read the full interview, click here.
Featured image by Gregg DeGuire/Getty Images
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images