
Kelly Rowland: "You Can't Allow The World To Tell You Who You Are"

Thoughts are not facts. I have to repeat this mantra to convince myself every day because if I let my thoughts or the thoughts of others define who I am, then I will never live up to my greatest potential. Many times, how other people feel about you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, and we have to learn how to not take their thoughts personally, and that's no easy task. Social media gives people the opportunity to be all up in your Kool-Aid without knowing the flavor, leaving them to make uninformed decisions about a life that they've never lived.
For years in the past and even sometimes now, I've let how other people felt about me mold my own perception of self. This left a void in my heart because I knew that I could never live up to other people's expectations of who I was supposed to be. And in chasing that image of perfection, I lost myself.
Kelly Rowland recently opened up in an interview with Broadly about how the pressure to please everyone but herself led her to one of the darkest places in her career. She said that one of the hardest challenges in her career was gaining the courage to understand that an individual's thoughts about her were based on their own perception, not her reality. She said that before she could truly grow, she had to stop believing the things that other people said about her.
"If someone says something negative, nine times out of 10, it's usually a situation where it's something they secretly feel they are, and they project that onto you. You have to know not to own it. It's so funny, because I'll tell young girls that now, [though] I know that they don't understand in that moment. I pray that some of them do. You really have to remind yourself how much people project. You can't allow the rest of the world to tell you who you are. Otherwise, you'll internalize all of the insecurities of the world."
From childhood, we are taught that we are "good" if we do things that please the ones we love, and "bad" if we rebel against the majority. We are stuck in this mindset throughout our adulthood, now pressured to please our family, friends, and lovers, without realizing that people's opinions about you are based on how they feel in that moment.
You can never gauge your own worth based on how much someone else values you. When I do something that makes you happy, you will say: wow Taylor, you are so great. But if I do something that you don't like, you will say: Taylor, you're horrible. I can't believe you when you tell me I'm great, because by that logic, I would have to believe you when you tell me I suck, and as much as I love you, I can't use your feelings to define how I perceive myself.
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Whether you tell me that I'm great or not, I know that I am and that's the peace that will sustain me. Kelly Rowland also understands that that peace comes at a cost. People won't always agree with the person that you authentically are, but the former Destiny's Child member stressed the importance of being unapologetically you.
She had this advice for young black women that struggle with defining their own identities in our tumultuous political climate:
"Don't apologize for who you are. Don't apologize for anything. Don't apologize for the curls of your hair, don't apologize for the color of your skin, don't apologize for the sway and swagger and urbanized moments we have with our speech that end up becoming trends."
Under an administration that constantly scrutinizes our blackness, it's easy to look at the news or social media and believe who they say we are. The key, she says, is to remember your own power in moments of weakness, and continue to bask in your queendom without apology.
"The woman is the matriarch, and I think that in my community, black women have always been the center and the matriarch of their families. When it's time for you, and you're learning how to be that, don't apologize for having a voice and speaking up. This goes not just for Black women, but of course, other women as well. Just, all around, don't apologize."
To read the full interview, click here.
Featured image by Gregg DeGuire/Getty Images
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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You Don’t Have To Choose: How Black Women Can Care For Others Without Self-Sacrifice
One of the primary instructions we receive before a flight takes off is to prioritize putting on your life vest first if there’s an emergency, even before assisting others. It’s funny how this rule rarely translates to the daily routine of women.
As women we are taught, directly and indirectly, to put others first. Whether it’s our romantic partners, kids, parents, friends, or even our jobs. Mental health survivor and founder of Sista Afya Community Care, Camesha Jones-Brandon is challenging that narrative by using her platform to advocate for Black women and their right to self-care.
Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
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While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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