

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." - Elizabeth Kubler Ross
No, I'm not strong. Please stop telling me that.
I'm surviving. I'm in survival mode every single day. I'll never get over the loss of my husband because this isn't a playoff game that we lost or a job that I didn't get.
I lost my husband. I lost my best friend. My son lost his dad.
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Dr. Alisha Reed|Success Coach (@flywithalishareed) on Aug 24, 2020 at 5:37am PDT
In school, we are taught about the stages of grief––the textbook explanation. I'm also aware of the importance of grief counseling…I'm a mental health advocate. Yes, there are five stages––denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance––but there is no set timeline on how long these stages last or even if they are in that particular order. On any given day, I can go through these stages because I've learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
This was my process.
Denial
My Thoughts:
This can't be happening to me. I'm only 40 and he was only 43, and now I am a widow. I am a single mom. Life with him was supposed to be like a fairy tale and he was my happy ending. We were supposed to travel the world together. We were supposed to build an empire. It's not supposed to end this way. Maybe when I go to bed and wake up, he will be here. Come on Moe, stop playing. This isn't funny. I know that I said some things, but I didn't mean it.
The Reality:
Until you lose your spouse, you will never know the pain. It's hard to accept that the "love of your life" is gone. With acceptance comes the acknowledgement of your feelings. You have to give yourself permission to feel every emotion possible. One day your heart will heal and your circumstances will change. Until then, it's OK to be angry...
Anger
My Thoughts:
OK, so it's just like that? He left me with all of this to take care of. He could've told me that he was going to leave us. How am I supposed to plan a funeral? I've never done that before. What am I supposed to tell our son? You ruined Christmas! How am I supposed to raise a Black boy on my own? What am I going to do with the house? What about your car? You just left me with your law practice? I'm so mad at you right now. You better not come back.
The Reality:
I read somewhere that "grief is the price that we pay for love." That's what we get for falling in love. I've experienced a lot of heartache my lifetime, but this hurt my soul.
Courtesy of Alisha Reed
"Grief is the journey, not a destination. It's messy and you have no choice other than to just have to 'sit in it'."
Acceptance
My Thoughts:
"Miss me, but let me go."That's what you always told me. I really miss you, but I get it. It was time for you to go. Heaven needed you more. I know that you are still here though. Sometimes I look up and know that it was you. I understand it now and it's time for me to spread my wings. I feel your presence. You taught me how to live. You taught me how to always bet on myself. Thank you.
The Reality:
How I choose to grieve will not be how you choose to grieve. "Society" always wants to place an expectation or time limit on someone else's experiences. You can't. It's my journey and I'm grieving on my own terms. If I want to post a photo on social media, update my Facebook status, have a drink with friends, send your calls to voicemail or ignore your text…it's my right.
I'm grieving on my own terms. I've always been unapologetic, but now, I'm on another level.
The day that Moe died, a part of myself died. I will never be the same person I was.
I heard him say that it's time to FLY…First Love Yourself. The truth is, I don't know who I am anymore and it's time to find out.
*This article was originally posted on FlyWithLish.com.
Featured image courtesy of Alisha Reed.
Dr. Alisha Reed is a Mother, Pharmacist, Certified Life Coach and Creator of the lifestyle brand Fly with Alisha Reed. Since 2014, after starting her brand Nola Bougie, Alisha has inspired women to live their best lives by becoming the best version of themselves. But on December 23, 2019, Alisha's entire life changed, and she began to question her purpose and message when her husband passed away at the age of 43. Heartbroken and now a widow as well as a single mother, Alisha was met with the question "how do I go on from here?" In order to live your best life, honor those you've lost, and defeat self-doubt you need to First Love Yourself. Alisha is still self-proclaimed bougie, but Fly with Alisha Reed showcases and encourages women to see that there is so much more than that.
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Raven-Symoné & Her Wife Miranda Get Real About Intimacy & Why They Sleep In Separate Bedrooms
Raven-Symoné and her wife Miranda Pearman-Maday are proof that doing marriage your way is the only way.
In a recent solo episode of their podcast Tea Time w/ Raven & Miranda, the couple revealed that they've started to share separate bedrooms, and no, it's not because they're having problems. In fact, the decision has actually brought them closer. "Let's normalize it," Miranda said of sleeping in separate bedrooms, calling it a move that improved their relationship and their marriage for the better.
"We really function in better in separate spaces, especially when it comes to sleep," she explained on the podcast. "And I was like, 'We should have separate bedrooms.' And then we can decorate our bedrooms as we want, number one, which is great because you had a different vibe, so we both wanted to have different style of bedrooms. Now we get to have that. And we aren't fucking up each other's sleep schedules. Primarily, you're not fucking mine up, which is getting up at 2 a.m., 4 a.m. Raven, babes, you love to sleep in the reverse orientation."
She wasn't exaggerating either. Raven admitted that she has always had an issue with sleeping in normal orientation, dating back to her childhood. "When I was younger, I've always had a problem with staying in one orientation when I slept. My mom said that she would not like to sleep with me. And I would kick people when I sleep with them. And so I remember when we got engaged. We slept in my old house and you told me that when you woke up, my ass was in your face because I had turned my body around."
"One night, you literally flipped. I thought you were awake because it was so, it was so violent. Like you were sleeping on your side away from me. You flip yourself up and over, you like kinda sit up, and you had no clue where you were because you put your entire ass on my face. Both cheeks were suffocating me. Boom, it was impact," Miranda recalls. "And I was like, this is, this is going to be a challenge."
Suffice it to say, the incident became an issue. One that they needed to find a solution for. "So now," Raven said, "we've decided I'm sleeping in a separate room from you." The compromise? Whenever they need each other, "We text," Miranda added.
Despite where your mind might go when you hear "separate bedrooms" in someone's relationship, the pair assured that the move has helped their intimacy more than it's hindered it. "I will say it has upped my [feels] for you," Raven told Miranda. "There's a little bit of, I believe, in absence makes the heart grow fonder. We work together, we live together, we eat together, we cook together, we drive together. It's like, I'm going to have a little time to myself, and I think that it's actually helping."
Even with the perks of better sleep and better intimacy that have come with their decision to separate their marital bed, Miranda admitted that if someone had suggested to her separate bedrooms a year ago, she would've panicked.
Together since 2015 and married since 2020, Miranda revealed that the would-be solution initially had her questioning, "Does this mean divorce?" But she chalked that up to programming. "I was very much from a space where I was taking my information from heterosexual [relationships], [and feeling like] this is the best way," she said.
Raven also took the conversation deeper, pointing out how many people conflate sex with love, especially when it comes to intimacy. "I also think if you are basing your entire relationship on sex, then you're not really understanding what intimacy is. You're not understanding what deep love is because you can have a deep, loving, intimate relationship with someone and not have sex. Sex is like a cherry on top. You know what I mean? That's like a oooh, it's built up so much I got to release."
She continued, "I don't think sex defines a relationship. I think sex is lustful. And I think that a deep marriage and a deep intimate relationship is where I can literally be just looking at you, and I can be like... And you know what that means."
"And I know what that means," Miranda echoed.
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Featured image by Image Press Agency/NurPhoto/Shutterstock