

How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?
Recently, while talking to someone in my world about their marriage, they shared with me that, while they typically have a huge appetite for sex, because there has been a real breakdown in their connection with their spouse as of late, they haven't been in the mood. "Something that marriage teaches you is that sex really needs to have a strong emotional connection," they told me. "I had a lot of great sex when I was single, but nothing beats when the chemistry and connection are there with your spouse. Once you've had that, anything less is settling. And so, until my partner and I can get back on the same page, I'm just not interested in 'going through the motions'."
Because I know so much about what is going on in that marriage right now, I get why they are currently at their resolve. After all, while sexless marriages are traditionally not beneficial to a couple, neither is the misuse/abuse of make-up sex.
Ask any husband or wife who has a truly fulfilling sex life and they will totally vouch for the fact that that the best kind of sex is when the mind, body and spirit are in sync; when one of these components is lacking, copulation is compromised.
That's why I wrote articles on this platform like "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?", "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?" and "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.". All of these are reminders that sex isn't supposed to be merely a mechanical act; it has to go far deeper than that.
That's why I am broaching to the topic of a mindful orgasm today. Because, while any orgasm is pretty damn dope (I mean, c'mon now), folks who've had the extreme pleasure of experiencing a mindful one would say you are truly missing out if you haven't had one too. Here's why. And how.
What Exactly Does It Mean to Be “Mindful”?
To me, "mindful" is the kind of word that we all should want to apply to our lives, across the board. When it comes to a basic definition of what the word means, when we are a mindful individual, it means that we are choosing to live in the moment. When it comes to sharing a quote that I think describes mindfulness quite well, it would have to be one by the Roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius. He once said, "Do every act of your life as though it were the very last act of your life." It speaks to being purposeful. It speaks to being intentional. It also speaks of not taking one single moment of life for granted. Ever.
So, how can you know if you are someone who at least strives to be mindful?
- You believe in a Higher Power which keeps you from trying to control what you cannot.
- You areextremely self-aware (or at least try to be).
- You do not allow fear, worry and anxiety to run your life.
- You don't spend a lot of time complaining because, more times than not, it's a total waste of time.
- You try to resolve conflicts or issues as soon as possible.
- You enjoy the "little things" that happen around you.
- You've made peace with the fact that you're not perfect nor is anyone else which, in turn, makes you more patient and compassionate (to yourself as well as towards others).
- You strive to master the art of going with the flow.
- You are far more interested in giving than receiving, knowing that the universe always rewards the good that you do.
- You typically focus on now until the "next now" arrives.
Whew. When you stop to really take all of this in, mindfulness seems like a huge "exhale" and "woosah", doesn't it? It brings a whole new meaning to "why sweat the small stuff?" and "why miss out on today by focusing so much on tomorrow?"
Because of this, mindful people tend to be calmer than most. They are also loving, respectful and accepting (including self-accepting). Know what else? Mindful individuals have a certain level of healthy intensity to them too. Since they are fully aware of the fact that right now is all that they really and truly have, they usually experience things on a very profound and passionate level. Everything is something special—because they choose to see it as so.
And when you look at mindfulness from this angle and perspective, doesn't it make perfect sense that their sex life—including their orgasms—would truly be some next level ish?
How Can Mindfulness Take Your Orgasms to Another Level?
If, in theory, you can grasp a surface-level concept of how being mindful has the ability to produce some pretty earth-shattering climaxes but still, you're needing a little bit more help to take it all in, let's briefly apply all 10 of the points I just made to your sex life specifically.
- If you believe in a Higher Power and you also believe that Power is who created sex (I am a Bible follower, so I totally believe that God created sex because the Bible says so in Genesis 1:26-27), then you will honor sex as being something that is spiritual, not just physical.
- If you are self-aware, then you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, even sexually (like you might be really great at oral sex but you're timid when it comes to trying new things). You also know what works for you sexually and what doesn't.
- If you don't get consumed with fear, worry and anxiety, then you don't do a lot of "pre-thinking" (other than incorporating safer sex practices, of course) when it comes to sex. You let it happen as it comes.
- If you don't complain a lot, you're not always brooding or stressing over past sexual partners or experiences. You're more interested in what you and your partner can do to make the next time better; not what happened in the past that was less than stellar.
- If you don't hold grudges, then you don't withhold sex as a way to "punish" your partner. You work to find compromise and peace so that the two of you can always remain close and connected; including sexually.
- If you enjoy the little things, then, on the sex tip, you're not an "orgasm chaser". What I mean by that is, while orgasms are desired, they aren't the main goal; you and your partner enjoying one another is and every little thing that cultivates pleasure is welcome.
- If you embrace imperfection, then you're not hung up on body image issues when it comes to you or your partner. You don't care about having flaws. In fact, some of each other's imperfections are what you like the most because those are some of the things that make us all unique. By embracing this reality, you and your partner can be more at ease.
- If you go with the flow, sex doesn't always have to happen at a certain time, in a specific place. Nor does it always have to go the same way. You don't expect anything other than extreme closeness. Beyond that, what will be will be.
- If you and your partner are more interested in giving pleasure than receiving it, selfishness isn't a big issue in your sex life. And that is ALWAYS beneficial.
- And finally, if you are solely into the here and now, then you are 1000 percent present with your partner, from beginning to end, when it comes to the sex that the two of you choose to engage in. And because of this, the stage is set to have an orgasm that isn't forced, isn't "judged" and isn't filled with preconceived notions or expectations.
Now go briefly back over these 10 points again. If you really take a moment to take all of this in, I bet you can see how and why a mindful orgasm can be the best you and your partner will probably ever have. I bet you can also better grasp how to make a mindful orgasm happen too. But just to be perfectly sure, how about a few pointers?
Here’s How to Have Your First Mindful Orgasm
Now that the foundation has been laid for how to bring mindfulness into your bedroom (or wherever you like to get it in), give me a couple of minutes to provide a few tips on how you can have your very first mindful orgasm (if you don't think you've ever had one before).
First, it's important to keep in mind that, no matter how many orgasm hack articles you might read (including the ones that are on this site), it's not really going to matter much if your mind isn't in the right place.
There are plenty of health-related articles that share the fact that things like anxiety, unrealistic expectations, poor body image issues can impede orgasms. So, it's important to remember that, before even engaging with your partner, you need to be good with yourself if you want a mindful orgasm to take place (sex journaling can help you in this area, by the way).
Second, since being mindful is about being—and staying—in the moment, what is the freaking rush? Practices like orgasmic meditation, affirming one another, listening to sensual music, giving your partner a lingam massage, encouraging him to get to know your sexual pressure points, kissing, cuddling, oral sex marathons—basically getting off the clock and just taking the time to take each other in (even down to listening to the sounds that your partner makes) are all acts of foreplay that can put you both at ease while helping you both to focus more on just being together than setting a goal to have an orgasm in 30 minutes or less.
Lastly, encourage you and your partner to pay close attention to peaks of pleasure. I don't mean what you're saying and doing when on the brink of an orgasm. What I'm talking about is what are the things that the both of you enjoy most before even getting to that point and place? Whatever those things are, get some edging (which is bringing someone to the point of climaxing and then stopping so that their orgasms will be intensified) going by extending those acts while telling your partner what you adore the most about them sexually.
For instance, if you really enjoy having your inner thighs kissed, encourage your partner to also share what they enjoy so much about doing that to you, right in the moment of doing it. Then, when you feel like you can't take it anymore, switch up and do something that brings him extreme satisfaction while professing what turns you on, so much about him, in the moment as well. If the two of you do this, at least a couple of times, you'll both feel sexy, safe and ready for intercourse. And, because of all of these factors that are working so seamlessly together, a deeply intense orgasm could very well be only a few moments away.
And that, my dear, is what gets you to a mindful orgasm.
If you were really paying attention to all of this, you probably noticed that a mindful orgasm has less to do with your partner or even sexual technique. It's more about simply being at peace with yourself and the moment that you are in—moment by moment. Trust me, if mindfulness is something that you choose to make a part of your daily life, I'd be shocked if, not only will it be easier to have orgasms but you'll not want less than a mindful orgasm every time. Practice some mindfulness today. Watch what that could do for your orgasms tonight. Whew.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- What To Do When Your Partner Is Too Big And Sex Is Painful ... ›
- What Sex Workers Need You To Know About Their Careers ... ›
- Activate Your Sex Goddess With Crystal Dildos - xoNecole ... ›
- I Tried Cannabis Lube - Here's Why You Should Too - xoNecole ... ›
- What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'? - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- How Can I Tell If I've Had An Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is Mindful Sex? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is A G-Scale Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Sex Workers Need You To Know About Their Careers - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: KJ Smith Talks Viral Wedding With Skyh Black: ‘We Did What We Wanted To Do’
Whether it was your group chat, social media feed, or your favorite media outlet covering the spectacle, I’m pretty sure you’ve come across the viral Black wedding between actress KJ Smith (Sistas, Raising Kanan) and actor Skyh Black (All the Queen’s Men, Sistas). From their grand entrance to Jay-Z, Kayne West, and Beyoncé’s song “Lift Off” to KJ’s standout dance routine and the endless celebrity appearances, it’s an addictive TikTok scroll you can’t help but delve into.
But what many people would be surprised to know is that the couple’s original wedding plan was nothing like what it grew to be. What started as her simply scrolling through posts to get ideas eventually transformed into what the internet knows now as #TheBlackExperience. In an exclusive conversation with xoNecole, KJ walked us through her planning process, the morning of her wedding, and what she thinks of the online response.
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Can You Actually Be Dating...If You've Never Been On A Date With Him Before?
So, back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit because a lot of the girls (at the time) were at the age that some of my children would’ve been (read “Why I Named The Children I Aborted” for context), I would call them my daughters. And boy, the closer I got to some of them and the more they revealed, the combination of their relationships and lifestyle sounded a lot like a twisted hybrid between soap operas and Lifetime Television, especially when they would get into all of the stuff they were doing for “their man”…especially after I would inquire what caused a guy to earn that title and they would draw a blank.
“I mean, has he ever even taken you out on a date before?” would be a pretty common question for me to ask. And when they would respond with, “I mean, we sleep together” and/or “He comes over sometimes” and/or “Ms. Shellie, what do you mean — a date?!” — I…tell…you…what.
What’s really wild is they are not an anomaly. Meaning, there are a lot of women in college, in their 20s — shoot, some I’ve spoken to who are in their 30s and 40s who profess to also be in a relationship (which is probably more like a situationship-in-denial) with a guy where, when I ask the same question, they come up with variations of the responses I just provided — and that is unfortunate. Tragic even.
That’s why I think it’s important to tackle this topic. For the record, by no means am I gonna be on some unless-a-man-spends-his-rent-money-to-date-you-he’s-not-worthy-of-your-time ish. I’ve already stated my opinion about transactional dating (you can read it here), and y’all, I am so not a fan. At the same time, though, there is a reason why, when it comes to romantic relationships, there are “levels” to this thing, and despite how all over the place things seem to be these days, a foundational one should definitely be going out on dates. And that definitely should happen before you start using the term “dating.” Let’s get into it.
What’s the Purpose of a Date? What Qualifies As an Actual Date?
Getty Images
Purpose is something that I am really big about. I dig it because of what it literally means: “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” And yes, like pretty much everything that exists, dating does indeed serve a purpose. The problem is, because a lot of people have no clue what its purpose is (anymore), they end up doing what I believe, across the board, when it comes to the ignorance of a purpose: “When you don’t know the purpose of something, you are almost guaranteed to abuse it.”
So, why does dating exist? It’s so that you can get to know someone better. Simple. Where things get a bit complex is far too many folks think that you can do that anywhere — and while, to a certain extent, that would be true, the issue is that there used to be a time when “getting to know” had stages.
Getting someone’s number was a big deal. Holding a conversation that was longer than 10 minutes on the phone was a big deal. Getting asked out (OUT being the operative word) and someone accepting was a big freaking deal. And the reason why going out was wise is because you got to see how much someone was willing to invest in you. Again, I’m not talking about how many coins they were willing to drop. What I mean is, that when someone is truly interested in you, they enjoy putting some thought and effort into actually showing you so.
Not only that, but it helps them to get to know you when it comes to likes and dislikes and shared interests while being able to hold conversations that will reveal if you are a good fit on a billion different levels— or not. For instance, going to a live concert — you can learn about what they think about certain types of music, and that could lead to conversations about playing instruments as a kid, being in talent shows, or what their favorite artists were back in the day. Or if you went on a date that consisted of a hike and a picnic, you both could learn about how much you like — or don’t like — spending time in nature, what kind of foods you enjoy, and what your idea of romance may be.
Yeah, dating can reveal so much about someone, and the cool thing about it is it’s designed to do it in a way that takes a lot of pressure off. The reason why I say that is because, if after the first or fourth date, things aren’t working out…no harm, no foul. Everyone can go their separate ways without a lot of damage to clean up afterward. I mean, why would there be any if you’ve spent most of your time out of each other’s private and personal space doing things, being careful about how much of yourself you offer up and focusing on how to ease, ever so gently, into getting close to someone?
That said, even though I’ve already offered up some examples, if a part of you is like, “All of this can happen at his place or mine” — you would be correct. However, remember how I said that there are levels to this thing?
There used to be a time when someone being in another person’s home was seen as a huge honor and privilege…not just something to do. Your home is your sanctuary. Your home is your place of refuge. Your home is where so many intimate things about you can be learned and discovered — and I’m not just talking about in the bedroom. The way you decorate. How you keep a house. How you are when no one else is around. Where you’re able to really and truly just BE is featured in your house. Yes, someone should do things that show themselves to be worthy of accessing that type of information.
So definitely, if someone wants to be more than a friend in your life, you deserve to go on dates — you deserve for someone to plan something to do, that is not at either place of residence that happens more than once. You deserve this because, again, a date is about someone getting to know you, and you are worthy of being invested in.
A date requires a plan. A date requires effort. A date requires intentionality. A date requires creativity. A date requires wanting to woo a person. And so, if someone is claiming to “date” you, you should be able to provide evidence, via clearly articulated examples, of this transpiring to anyone who would inquire about your dating dynamic.
What Does It Mean to Be “Dating” Someone?
Getty Images
Okay, so all of that brings us to can — or more like should — you actually consider yourself “dating” if you’ve never been on a date with the person you’re giving that relational status to. I mean, if we’re going by what I just stated a date is and is for, the answer would be “no”…damn near a HELL NO. Because, well, let’s go back to elementary school for just a second. When you add “ing” to a word, that is verbalizing that some sort of action is taking place. And so, if a man is dating you, this means that he is actively taking you on dates. Therefore, if you’ve never been on a date with him before, how can the two of you be, well, DATING?
Again, I am not overlooking the fact that, eventually, dating can include things like him cooking for you at his place or you having him over to watch some throwback movies at yours. Yet it truly can’t be said enough that dating should be transpiring in levels, and so, if things start off that way, it’s really challenging to go backward, especially if you’ve let him know that he can just hang out at your house, pretty much from day one, and to you, that is dating (even though it’s actually not).
Now, I’m not saying that a man who never dates you isn’t “something-ing” you (LOL). I’m just saying that the word you are using, you probably shouldn’t. You need to open up a dictionary and look up another one that more accurately defines what is going on. Bonding? Maybe. Evolving? Perhaps. Shoot, before even finding other words, let’s get down to what may really be going on: SEXING. And no, sexing is not the same as dating.
SEX. IS. NOT. DATING.
Getty Images
Whenever guys tell me that they are so over women who think that sex should be a substitute for an actual birthday present or Christmas gift, I am totally on their side. It really can’t be said enough that sex is an even exchange of pleasure (and if it’s not, no one is making you stay; state your case or know that you can always leave), and so no, it’s not fair to think that on Valentine’s Day, you deserve the world of tangibles while he gets what he just got from you last Tuesday. Lawd, the manipulation of sex really needs to come to an end…and swiftly.
The same thing applies to sexing someone being put in the same category as dating them. While sex is definitely a way of getting to know another person on a profound level, I don’t care what pop culture says: it’s still an honor and a privilege for someone to experience you like that. It’s also achieving a different goal than dating does. What I mean is, that dating is about getting to know someone better, while sex is more about two people doing something that gives them physical pleasure.
Please take what I said into context because, if you’ve read enough of my articles on sex, you know that I think that it ultimately holds more value than merely a climax. However, what I’m saying when it comes to what we’re talking about today is, on a very basic and carnal level, you don’t have to be intimate with someone you have sex with — not mentally or emotionally. You can be as self-absorbed as you want to be by looking at the activity as a way to get something that you want…without really knowing much about who helped you to achieve that particular goal at all.
On a date, you want to know someone else. During sex, you can totally put up that wall, still get a need met, and go on about your business. And you can do this for weeks, months, even years if someone allows it. Because if you’ve already decided that sex is all you want, sex is all that you will give.
And that’s why I had to tell my “daughters,” damn near on repeat, that if you’ve never seen anything with him beyond his bedspread and bedroom ceiling, sweeties, you’re not dating that man. You’re having sex with him (and as teens, I don’t even know how good that is). The reason why he’s letting you use the word “dating” is so he can get what he wants without giving you what you actually deserve. Unfortunately, I’ve had to share that revelation with some grown women, too.
Yes, you can have sex with someone you are dating. At the same time, sex is not a date.
Even “sex dates” require planning beforehand and oftentimes aren’t the cheapest dates on the planet (when’s the last time that you’ve booked a hotel reservation?) One more time for the stubborn ones in denial in the back: for a man to be dating you, HE NEEDS TO TAKE YOU OUT ON ACTUAL DATES.
Is Not (Officially) Dating a Deal-Breaker?
Getty Images
As I was having this conversation with a 20-something woman not too long ago, I saw the light bulb come on. She asked me if, after almost a year of un-dating-while-sexing, should she end the relationship. If you can relate and you’re wondering the same thing — I can’t tell you what your deal-breakers should be. What I will say is if you realize that you want more, you should have it. What I will say is if that guy truly cares about you beyond being glad that he can just plop on your couch or get you in his bed without much effort on his part, and you bring all of this up, he will take note. What I will say is no woman should look back on her life and realize that she never experienced real, true, and actual dating before. What I will say is if you feel like you’re settling, you probably are. What I will say is what people value, they will invest in.
Listen, I’ve been with guys who I’ve been on dates with. I’ve been with guys who I was sexing. I’ve been with guys who we spent a lot of time together doing neither (translation: we hung out a lot and never really went out or made it to the intercourse stage of things). And while I’ve had some great sex and cool memories with Door B and Door C, by far, my fondest memories are the men who I dated and who dated me (because I don’t mind taking men out on dates sometimes; another article, another time). Because I felt cherished. I felt appreciated. I felt seen — with no strings attached. And that’s another thing that actually and literally dating someone does.
So, I’ll just say for me, that I won’t lie to myself and say I’m dating someone if I’ve not been on an official date with said person. I won’t let a guy get away with saying that he’s dating me either (I actually know a man who used to say that he was dating multiple women because, to him, if he ever took you out at all, that constituted dating….NAH).
Through trial and error, observation, and emotional evolution, I get that when someone is for real dating me, they have plans for us — short and long-term — in a way that someone who isn’t dating me (even if he’s sexing me) probably doesn’t. Because if they did, we’d be on dates due to the purpose that they serve. But hey…again, that’s just me.
As I wrap this up, if you’re on the fence about where your dynamic stands, forward this to the guy in question. Let his response/reaction influence what you should do. Because if you get an Elmo shrug, I’m not sure if there’s going to be much in your future beyond whatever you’re currently doing and accepting. If he wants to discuss it — good. Looks like you might get a date in your future. And once you’ve had a real one, it’s hard to go back to not.
TRUST ME.
Life is short. Bedrooms aren’t going anywhere. GO. ON. SOME. ACTUAL. DATES.
PLEASE.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images