If you read enough of my content on here, you'll know that I'm good for throwing in some stats. It's not that I think everyone reflects what every study reveals; still, oftentimes, research and data are a good way to get an idea of where a lot of folks are coming from, on any given topic. Take what men find to be sexy, for instance. A few years ago,Maxim published a study revealing that 46 percent of men find a woman's face to be her sexiest feature (followed by her butt which got 13 percent of the vote). When I asked some of my male friends if they agreed, they did. They did make sure to add to it by saying that the best feature on a lady's face was a toss-up between her eyes and her lips.
Shoot, I'm a heterosexual woman and even I will co-sign on that; although I think that a woman's—especially a Black woman's—lips are what get my top vote. There is something about a full set of lips with a bold color and a thin layer of gloss that's on them that makes me find Black women to be the best thing the Creator ever made. Whew.
So, in honor of his divine masterpiece and the lips that are on each and everyone of us, I wanted to share some things that you can do to make your lips even sexier than they already are (if that is even possible). Let's hit it.
1. Brush ‘Em
There are all sorts of things that can cause us to have chapped lips—licking our lips too much, a lot of sun exposure, dry air, spicy foods, vitamin deficiencies (low zinc and iron, especially) and, of course, not getting enough water. And there's nothing worse than trying to put on your favorite color lipstick when your lips are feathering because of it (ugh). Something that you can do to combat this kind of madness is to use your toothbrush to exfoliate your lips. I recommend wetting your lips and putting a thin layer of baking soda on them first. Then wet your toothbrush and gently brush your lips in small circles until the dead skin is gone. Oh, and since ingredients like lanolin, menthol and salicylic acid can actually contribute to chapped lips, avoid putting anything with those ingredients on them. Personally, I follow up exfoliating with sweet almond oil and it's absolutely divine.
2. Make Your Own Lip Mask
Lips can stand to be pampered sometimes too. A quick and easy way to soothe them is to make a lip mask. All you need is to mix a tablespoon of milk with a drop of rose essential oil.
The lactic acid in milk will gently exfoliate your lips. Rose oil is an anti-inflammatory oil that can reduce any irritation that you might have.
If you'd prefer to make a more sophisticated overnight lip mask, you can check out a step-by-step walkthrough here.
3. Apply Some Cinnamon Oil
If you want your lips to appear a little bit fuller or you wish to create a bit more of a "pout", cinnamon oil can totally make that happen for you. It works so well because it is made from cassia oil which, when applied to your lips, it will immediately increase blood circulation and make them appear a little bit bigger. You can make this happen by mixing a teaspoon of grapeseed oil and a couple of drops of cinnamon oil (careful, it's pretty potent) together and apply the solution to your lips for five minutes. Or, you can mix one-half teaspoon of ground cinnamon powder with an open Vitamin E capsule; mix both of those together and leave them on for 10 minutes. Either way you decide to go, once the time is up, rinse thoroughly with warm water. You should instantly see some subtle-yet-effective effects.
4. Try Shea Butter As a Base
Shea butter is one of my favorite natural beauty go-tos. When it comes to my lips, I put it on at night so they will remain moisturized while I sleep. During the day, a thin layer of shea butter can serve as a wonderful base or foundation for my lipstick. That's because, thanks to the fatty acids and antioxidants that are in shea butter, it is able to work as a "primer" so that my lips (and lip color) look nice and smooth all day long.
5. Save Money by Turning Your Shiny Lipstick into a Matte One
Do you have some days when you want to rock a matte lip color instead of a shiny one? You don't need to buy a new tube. All you have to do is apply your lipstick, put a piece of tissue between your lips to blot off the shininess and then apply a little bit of translucent powder. Oh, and if you want your matte lips to look as "crisp" as possible along your lip lines, apply a teeny bit of concealer with a lip brush around the perimeter of your lips. It will help to bring out the definition of them even more.
6. Add a Little Concealer to Alter the Hue
No matter how many lip shades there are out here, sometimes it can still be hard to find the perfect hue. If you like nude but you can't seem to find a color that perfectly complements your skin tone, something you can do is add a little concealer to a lipstick that you already have. It will make the lipstick lighter and, the best thing is, you can adjust to it the shade that you like based on how much or little concealer you add into the mix. (By the way, most of us sistahs naturally have a darker tone to our lips, so when you're shopping for a nude lipstick in general, make sure it has a peachy undertone to it. That will soften the dark pigment and make the nude shade more even in appearance.)
7. Use Highlighter Mixed with Gloss
Do you have a hot date coming up? If so, something that you can do to make a man think about nothing but kissing you is to add a little highlighter to your lip color, along with lip gloss. While gloss will make your mouth appear wetter, if you put a little highlighter on top, right in the middle, the light that bounces off of it while further define your lips while giving them even more of a sexy pout. (Or, if you hate the feel of lip gloss, apply the highlighter without it; you'll basically end up with the same results.)
8. Get a Humidifier for Your Bedroom
It's common for our bodily tissues and mucus membranes to become dry while we sleep.
Something that can prevent this from happening is using a humidifier at night. It can reduce snoring, soften skin, relieve allergy symptoms, stop airborne viruses in their tracks and yes, moisturize your lips too.
If you don't already own one, check out "10 Best Humidifiers to Buy in 2020, According to Home Care Experts" to figure out which humidifier will work best for you.
9. DIY a Lip Balm for Nighttime Coverage
If you're wondering why you seem to go to bed with moisturized lips but wake up to them being as chapped as you don't know what, it could be because you are licking them all throughout the night, without even knowing it. To combat that, aside from the humidifier that we just talked about, try making a lip balm that can serve as a protective barrier for your lips while you sleep. I already shared that shea butter is my, pardon the pun, lick. Another cool option is to mix a capsule of Vitamin E and a half teaspoon of honey (honey is a powerful humectant). But there are all other kinds of options too. You can get 20 DIY lip balm recipes by clicking here.
10. Drink Some Pomegranate Juice
There are all kinds of great reasons why you should make pomegranate juice a part of your regular healthcare routine. Thanks to the vitamins C, E and K, along with antioxidants, folate and potassium, pomegranate juice is able to reduce bodily inflammation, lower your blood pressure, fight off infections, reduce oxidative stress (which, in turn, can make it easier to get pregnant) and, it can help to lower blood sugar levels too. The reason why I'm closing out with this juice for your lips is because it's also been proven that the Vitamin C, along with the antioxidants flavonoids and proanthocyanidins will not only cleanse and nourish your lips, they can help to even out the color of them too. All you need to do is mix a teaspoon of pomegranate juice with a teaspoon of carrot juice. Apply it to your lips after exfoliating them, let the solution sit for 5-7 minutes and then rinse. If you do this once a day, you should notice visible results within two weeks. It's a delicious way to make your lips super sexy. Pucker up and enjoy!
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And to me, this line is a perfect way to intro this particular topic. Why? Because when it comes to so many women driving themselves absolutely up the wall when it comes to trying to figure out why they are good, and yet their man (or who they want to be their man) seems to be treading water (at least) when it comes to making a lifelong commitment — baby, not only should you want someone who wants you to be their wife (if marriage is what you desire)…you should also let yourself off the hook when it comes to stressing out about why it might not be panning out that way.
We’re gonna tackle this, yet I’m gonna give you a heads up now: this may not go exactly like you think it should; however, I do think that if you go in with an open mind, a bit of humility, and some determination to focus on your needs more than his moves, you very well may find the clarity and freedom that you need in this area of your life. Ready?
Good. Revisited.
GiphyBefore getting into him, how about we first talk about you — “you” specifically meaning what it means to be a good woman and, shoot, a good person, in general. Because you know what? There are a lot of words that we use, thinking that we know the definition, when, after (re)visiting them, we realize that there is usually more to what they require than we realize on the surface.
To be good is to be morally excellent. To be good is to be virtuous. To be good is to be kind, righteous, gracious, humane, and benevolent. Some synonyms for good include words like positive, pleasing, honorable, and admirable. Yeah, once upon a time, I found myself being pretty pissed about a guy who I desired back in the day not wanting what I did. I went on the “But I’m a good woman” soapbox, my conscience told me to look up the word, just to make sure that I was sure — because if most of us were self-aware and humble about “good” (not either or but both), we’d realize that being good is more like an ultimate goal than an actual status.
Okay, but what about some of the other words that define it? Things like being valuable and worthy. Things like being beneficial. And how about synonyms like wonderful, agreeable, precious, great, and exceptional? Yeah, before we touch on any other points, if you don’t get anything else from this article as it relates to these descriptions of good, it’s more important that you know if you are a good woman in the sense of what you have to offer — and that it is exclusive of if someone agrees or not. Because what’s good for one may not be good for another, yet that doesn’t mean that you’re not good anyway (more on that in a sec).
Look at it this way — if you walked into a jewelry store today, a lot of diamonds are going to be looked at. Know what else? They’re also going to remain in their display cases whether it’s because they’re not specifically what someone is looking for, they are more expensive than what someone can afford, or — please catch this too — someone never had the intention of purchasing a diamond in the first place; they were simply window shopping…no more, no less. Yet a diamond is still a diamond.
So yeah, before going any further, purpose in your mind to assess where you are good regardless of your relational status, situation, or circumstances and where you can stand to grow in the area of goodness. Because the truly evolved know that if they want a good man, they will forever be preparing for him until he arrives on some level because “good” is a super high standard.
Now let’s get more into what I’m sure you really want to know about…
What Kind of Relationship Did You Think You Were Going Into?
GiphyOkay. Remember how I said that some people will go into jewelry stores just to look around? While it could be because they have a goal of purchasing something in the near future, so they want to see their options and also save up, there are others who literally have no plans of doing anything but trying stuff on, admiring it, and moving on with their day.
If you choose to see yourself as a diamond in this story, let's not act like some men aren't proverbial window shoppers — and honestly, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not a character flaw to not want to be married or even in something serious (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?"). In fact, it's pretty arrogant to try and imply that just because you may want a spouse that, everyone else should automatically follow suit and/or those who don't have some sort of "issue" for being that way.
Marriage is serious — VERY MUCH, SO. It's not the same thing as a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic (no matter how much our culture tries to prove otherwise), and whether you choose to see it from a spiritual (Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11), financial or legal perspective, it comes with a lot of guidelines and, if it doesn't work out, ramifications. Indeed, mature people get that two folks don't just throw a big party called a wedding, and it's all peaches' n cream from there. So yeah, I get why many people — men included being that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women and alimony is still alive and well out in these streets — would semi-hard pass on it.
That's why I am a huge fan of grown folks getting it out in the open, as soon as possible, what the game plan is for dating (check out "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have"). I don't mean interrogating a brotha on the first or even second date. What I mean is you definitely should feel okay with putting it on record that marriage (or a serious relationship) is the reason why you're dating these days — and the sooner you get that out into the open, the better because you don't want to wait until you're so mentally, emotionally and/or sexually invested that you try and rationalize staying with someone who may not be on the same page (or even in the same book) as you are. You also don't want to do what so many women I know have made the grave mistake of — thinking that because they are a good woman, that even if a man wasn't considering marriage, he will suddenly change his mind, all because of how awesome they are.
Definitely, one of my favorite quotes as it relates to this particular topic is, "You'll never be good enough for a man who isn't ready," and that really is the truth. In other words, being a wife to someone who has no desire to be a husband (check out "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife") isn't honorable; honestly, it's risky at best (trust me, I would know) because you are literally putting the cart before the horse.
You know the saying, "There are levels to this thing?" It applies to dating too. A man doesn't need to be taking care of a woman who isn't his wife as if she is; otherwise, why get married? Marriage represents taking the relationship to the optimal and ultimate level, so there are certain benefits and privileges that come with it AFTER vows have been said. Same goes for a woman in how she treats a man who isn't her husband. That's why I loathe (yes, literally) when singles talk about women needing to submit before marriage. A good woman is feminine regardless of her relational status (or at least she should be); however, submission is a wedding present (Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7).
Okay, but let me stay on track. So, when it comes to trying to figure out if a dating relationship is headed towards jumping somebody's broom, first be honest with yourself about if the two of you started off being very clear with one another about why you started dating one another in the first place and, if all goes well if the end result is to be marriage — for you both…TOGETHER. Because if you're only assuming that, well, we all know that assuming doesn't tend to go very well.
When it comes to something as serious as marriage, clarity must be had, and that comes with having very open and honest discussions about both people's wants and needs — not just stating them but hearing them from your partner too (my subtext here is not only hearing what you want to but listening to what he's actually and literally saying…even if you don't like it).
And if you're not gelling…what in the world are y'all doing? Next point.
Now, What Kind of Relationship Are You Actually In?
GiphyThere is a guy I know who was once dating this woman who was totally into him — Lawd, you could tell. Yet there were certain things about how he moved that gave me the impression that the feelings weren’t exactly mutual. When I finally flat-out asked him about it, this guy said, “I mean, I might be her boyfriend, but she’s not exactly my girlfriend.”
Get triggered all you want, but when I asked him how he came to that conclusion, he said that it was because she took it upon herself to go above and beyond, to not date other people and take on a lot of his wishy-washy-ness. He never asked her to. He never told her that he wanted her to be exclusive. He never changed anything about how he operated. She simply decided that she wanted to engage with him on that level.
Now before you say that he is the villain in this story — is he? Or is she someone who decided to go all in without talking to him about it, knowing that it’s human nature for people to want to benefit from things while putting in as little effort as possible? I mean, let’s not act like a lot of men don’t get upset on the regular about paying for expensive dates where they end up getting friend zoned as soon as the check is paid (right, it goes both ways).
And that’s why this point is also a super valid one. Just because you might care about or even love a man in a way where you could see him as your future husband, that ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT mean that he feels that way about you. He may like you. He may even love you. Still, that doesn’t mean that he sees a wedding, a white picket fence, some kids, and a terrier up the road with you. Yeah, someone can like having you around or even love you as a person and still not want to spend forever with you. It’s a harsh reality. It’s still the facts, though.
That’s why it’s always important to ponder right after asking yourself what kind of relationship you wanted (and if that was discussed on the front end) if you know what kind of relationship you are in…with him. Because listen, I also know a married couple (of several years) that includes a wife who constantly says that she dated her now-husband for close to a decade while he “counters her” and says she was never his girlfriend because he never believed in having one (and he pretty much treated her like the other guy I just mentioned during that time too).
Bottom line, when two people are on the same page, it’s hard to find yourself getting frustrated…because you are on the same page. You might struggle with being patient when it comes to budgeting, reaching certain career goals first, or getting life in order before marriage— still, you won’t be out here asking why he won’t marry you because you know that someday he will…BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU SO, AND HIS ACTIONS ARE CONSTANTLY LINING UP WITH WHAT HE SAID.
And what if it doesn’t feel like the two of you are seeing eye to eye on this thing? Good question.
“Good” in General, Doesn’t Necessarily Mean RIGHT for Him. AND THAT’S OKAY.
GiphyLet me just tell you right now that some of y'all aren't gonna want to hear this, but as the Good Book says, it's the truth that has the ability to truly set us free, chile (John 8:31-32). Another definition of good is "suitable or efficient for a purpose." What's revelatory about that is if you go back to the Bible where Adam's wife was BROUGHT to him (he did not chase or pursue; God brought her to him — Genesis 2:22), before that happened, God, himself said this:
"Now the Lord God said, 'It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.'" — Genesis 2:18(AMPC)
(Y'all wanna talk about how even if you think that you are good for someone, that may not mean God automatically or necessarily agrees? Or did I just say enough that we can move on?)
Okay, so did you peep the word that is bold and underlined? SUITABLE is more than a notion, y'all.
Suitable: such as to suit; appropriate; fitting; becoming; appropriate; proper; fit
Something else that this same chapter of the Bible talks about is two BECOMING one (Genesis 2:24-25). "Becoming" requires a certain level of incomparable compatibility. It's not just about having deep feelings for one another. It's about having similar values. It's about complementing each other in a very profound and unique way (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life"). It's about (and folks really miss this one) if the two of you can do the day-to-day of living together well — cleaning the house, paying the bills, and providing each other's needs on a very basic yet super relevant level. It's about being each other's right "fit" — and as much as it might hurt to hear, you don't get to tell a man if you are the one to do that. He and God have to figure that out (which means that his caring about how a Higher Source factors in helps immensely with all of this, too!).
And that's why I'm also a huge believer that just because someone may be a good person, that doesn't mean that they are RIGHT for a particular individual — whether that is "right now" (if it's not "right now," there still shouldn't be a lot of anxiety, drama or stress) or ever. Because someone who is right is someone who is suitable — they complement and fit. They also are pretty adaptable, which speaks to them being flexible. They are built that way because again…they are suitable…they complement, and they fit.
And here's what else — when you're RIGHT for someone, it means that you are "in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle; correct." Your standards and principles are similar. There are some hardcore facts about how the two of you gel that BOTH OF YOU can see. There aren't truths about the relationship that are being ignored or deflected. You both get the reasons why marriage is meant to be.
Whew. Okay, so after processing all of this, ask yourself (and be honest with yourself while you're at it) about whether you are RIGHT for him even if you are a GOOD woman. And shoot, beyond that — is he RIGHT for you? Is he? Or do you just want him to be because you love him and/or he's a GOOD man?
You know, sometimes we think that the Universe is playing some kind of cruel trick on us when, actually, it's being merciful as all get out. It knows that while we think life should be going one way, when we really tap into things beyond a surface level, we start to see that it's looking out for us while waiting for us to see past what we want and into what we actually need — and deserve (deserve means to "qualify for," by the way).
So yeah, it's not only okay to think long and hard about it but encouraged to bring the word "right" into the chat. Yes, you are a good woman. Still, are you the right one for him? IS HE THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU? Because if you were, if he was, do you really think that RIGHT feels and/or acts the way that you're currently acting or feeling?
Do you really?
Don’t Miss the REAL Issue Here: That You Need to Do What’s BEST for You
GiphyIt’s kind of wild — the build-up here. Basically, without even intentionally doing it, we’ve gone from “good” to “right” to the finale — BEST. So with that said, ask yourself something and be as honest about the answer as you deserve (which is 100 percent): have you been so focused on trying to convince him that you’re a good woman that you haven’t stopped to consider that all of the convincing could be a super huge warning sign that he’s actually not what’s best…for you?
Best: of the highest quality, excellence, or standing; most advantageous, suitable, or desirable
Synonyms: first-rate, outstanding, leading, incomparable, finest, champion, 10
For the record, I don’t mean this from a lie-to-your-ego-to-make-rejection-feel-better standpoint either. I mean…I talk to a lot of women who are now ex-wives about how they were either so caught up in getting married or making a specific man their husband that they never really even thought about if he was BEST for them. Because here’s something else: if you’re a good woman and he’s a good man, yet the two of you are not the BEST for each other, the relationship is not as good as you think (or you want it to be). Straight up.
I know we covered A LOT of ground on this, yet, to me, all of it was necessary. If you want to be married, there is nothing wrong with that. If he doesn’t, there is nothing wrong with that either. Where potential drama comes into play is if you know where things stand, and you decide to waste precious time, effort, and energy, knowing that the two of you are not the BEST for each other because you both want different things.
Bottom line on this: being a good woman is only one part of getting someone to marry you. He must be good. You both must want the same things from one another. And most importantly, you should put what’s BEST for you above all else.
Do that, and suddenly wondering what’s up with him won’t be nearly as relevant as what’s BEST for you.
Now exhale. Freedom has revealed itself, sis. What you need to do next will be very shortly as well.
Good needs BEST. Remember that.
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