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So What's A ‘Back-up Boyfriend’ Anyway?
While being interviewed a while back, someone asked me how I've been able to survive all that I've been through without losing my mind. One, God. Two, living alone so that I can have my own space to process stuff. Three, writing. Pretty much in that order. Next year will be the 20th year since I left Corporate America and decided to give full-time writing a shot and if there's one thing these past two decades have taught me, it's that I have a pattern of putting something into its proper place—which 8.9 times out of 10 equates to putting it behind me—once I write it out.
So, once I read that back-up boyfriends are a current relationship trend and discovering that irritated me to the point that I asked my editor if I could write-rant about it, I realized there was something within that needed to be resolved. And girrrrrrl is there.
I don't know what rock I've been living under, but up until a few months ago, I had no clue that there was an official term for what I must admit most of my "dating" (and yes, that deserves to be in quotes) life was like. After reading what a back-up boyfriend/girlfriend is, that's EXACTLY what I was doing—and by doing, I mean settling for—in about 75 percent of my "relationships" (again, the quotes are necessary).
What exactly is a back-up all about? It's someone who either thinks they are the main person in an individual's life even though they aren't OR they are someone who fulfills the duties of being the main one without any confirmation (or even reassurances really) from the person they are involved with.
The first category didn't apply to me much. Oh, but that last one? That last one?!
Let me create a visual for you. There's a guy from my past who I loved. Adored. Worked with even. A few times, I would attend events where he was and I would see a girl. She wasn't hanging all over him but she was hanging around. You know, kind of like she was waiting for all of his "fans" (boy, it's quotes everywhere today, chile) to leave. Her energy was strong enough that I finally asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said, "No." He had his flaws, believe you me, but lying wasn't one of them (yet), so I took it at face value.
I don't go out to stuff a ton so it took a while for this to become an issue. But a couple of months later, I saw her again. He was on stage with a shirt that I had bought him and she was in the front row filming what he was doing. At first, I was like "Whatever" but when I realized she was filming him with his phone, I was like "Hold up." I confronted him for the second time and guess what his response was? It was some trash, to be honest. "I don't have a girlfriend. I can't control what she thinks she is, though." Really, playa? OK. (Not OK…but OK.)
The way that life deals with me is, it eases me into things before just straight-up slapping me all upside my head when I don't listen. Those two conversations that I shared with you, that should've been enough to cut my losses (which really wasn't much of a loss in hindsight) and move on. But it was a loooooooong phone conversation where ole' boy talked about it not being easy to be caught up in a duality with two women (her and me) when the cold water hit me all over and down my face.
Ohhhhhhhhhh…so I'm the back-up girlfriend.
The one he can keep on reserve in case things don't work out with his main chick. I'm the one who is doing all of the things that a girlfriend does (and some things she doesn't do) but because we had the "Of course, I love you, Shellie" chat but not the "Yeah, whatever. Are we about to do this or what?" discussion, he was able to reap the benefits of my being another girlfriend without putting in the labor of being a boyfriend. Ugh. Just ugh.
The more I think about it, whoever it is that came up with the phrase "back-up boyfriend" or "back-up girlfriend" was really trying to be gentle with our feelings because what it really boils down to is us (the back-up girlfriend) being in denial and the guy capitalizing on it as best he can, for as long as he can. That's why I'm personally not big on back-ups because it's someone being used. Well, usually manipulated first and then used.
So, since I'm admitting that I've clearly been a back-up girlfriend before, many times over in fact, why does the title of this piece address back-up boyfriends instead? Because, while you might think that this kind of emotional contingency plan is something that's more popular among men, I did my research (read about it here and here). While it appears that men seem to have more sex partners than (most) women do, at least half of us—whether we're single or married—have a back-up boyfriend…someone in the wings, just in case things don't work out with the one we're currently with. These men might be an ex, a co-worker, someone we met online…anyone who we know is getting more-than-just-a-friend treatment, even if it's just emotionally; anyone who, if our partner found out, there would be all sorts of hell breaking loose.
So, why do so many of us do it? Why is having a break-up boyfriend so popular right now?
The main reported reasons are because 1) we're not totally feeling the relationship that we're in; 2) we're not getting all of our needs met, so we're using someone else in order to make up for it and/or 3) we know the relationship that we're in isn't going to last and we don't want to be alone once everything comes to a head.
And just what are some of the surefire signs that you've got a back-up boyfriend in your life?
- You're in a relationship with someone that is solely on your terms.
- There typically is a lot of emotional intimacy without much—if any—sexual involvement.
- You want the attention from the back-up, but you don't care too much about their life overall.
- No one really knows that your back-up exists or it is severely downplayed to those who find out.
- They do most of the giving while you do most of the taking.
- You might make plans, but you don't really stick to them.
- You don't want them seeing other people even though you're involved with someone else.
- You say and do just enough to give them hope without offering up any real or lasting guarantees.
If you heard a ding in your head for four or more of these eight points, you've got a back-up boyfriend on your hands and no, it's not anything to feel good about. I mean, just think how you would feel if you knew that someone was treating you as a back-up girlfriend. Is that something you would want to call your mama and brag about? Exactly.
Look, I already know that a part of the reason why I'm SMH and RME (Rolling My Eyes) about this is because I've fallen prey to this foolishness on more than one occasion. But I think what also unnerves me about it is when you've got back-ups, for whatever the reason, it doesn't help your current relationship. It either A) makes you very lazy in it or B) helps to speed up its expiration date because when you're emotionally (and sometimes physically) split between two or more individuals, it's hard to give your all to anyone. And with your time, effort and energy being all over the place, it's hard to see who really is best for you—the current, the back-up or someone else altogether.
So, while you're using the back-up, you're also wasting your own time. Back-ups might be fun distractions, but they can also lead to pretty big problems. At some point, a decision is going to have to be made and, more times than not, once it is, things don't end well. For you and the person you're with and/or you and your so-called back-up. I would know because once the reality set in of what was really going on in my own situation, I changed my number the very next day. Dude and I haven't spoken since. Treating me like a back-up cost him more than no longer being his stand-up; it ultimately cost us our friendship too.
Bottom line, not everything that's popular is right. Not everything that sounds like a good idea actually is. Life has a way of boomeranging on us—of giving us exactly what we gave to someone else, whether we want it or not. If you've got a back-up boyfriend or you're considering getting one, I hope my journey is a cautionary tale.
Get a boyfriend and keep him. Or break-up and try someone new. Operating from a clean and honest slate brings forth good karma. At the same time, you're gambling with what life decides to bring your way if you sign up for a back-up. You've been warned.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."