10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
No matter what your personal or spiritual views are on sex, I think if there's one thing that we all can agree on, it's the fact that if anyone should be gettin' it in, hot 'n heavy and on the regular, it's married folks. Yet, as a marriage life coach, I can tell you that most of the married clients that I have? They've got less than stellar sex lives when it comes to the kind (off the charts) and consistency (more than once every 6-8 weeks or so). Why is that?
I think a lot of it all points back to their wedding night. Did you know that reportedly only 48 percent of couples copulate on the same day that they say "I do"? Somehow, they make sure that their outfits are flawless, the DJ has an unbelievable playlist and the napkins on the tables match, yet somehow, once the wedding and reception is over, sex is not a top priority. Here's the thing about that. The word "consummate"? It means "to complete (an arrangement, agreement, or the like) by a pledge or the signing of a contract", "to complete (the union of a marriage) by the first marital sexual intercourse" and "to bring to a state of perfection; fulfill". This means that a marriage can be annulled if two people have not consummated their union (had sex after getting married). Back in the old school Jewish days, a reception didn't even get underway until the bride and groom went into a back room and had sex first. Why? Because only after sex/consummation were they considered to be "truly married".
My point? Sex is a big freakin' deal in a marital union, from the very day two people decide to become life partners. Yet unfortunately, there are way too many people who seem to agree with (or at least act like) the results of a survey I read on married sex—"6 out of 10 couples stated that marriage had completely ruined the excitement of having sex." (Wow and SMH.)
So, in honor of the beauty of marriage and the powerful-and-still-extremely-relevant purpose that sex serves in it, I wanted to take out some time to share 10 reasons why every married person reading this should be taking full advantage of their bed and the spouse that they share it with, just as often as they possibly can.
1. Sex Cultivates Oneness
It's always interesting to me whenever church folks try and say that the main purpose of sex in marriage is procreation. While that is a purpose (and benefit), there is something that came first in the Bible. What is it? Oneness—"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." (Genesis 2:24-25—NKJV) If you pay close attention to how things went down in the Garden of Eden, Adam and the Woman (her name wasn't "Eve" until after they left the garden—Genesis 3:20), while it does appear that they had sex, they didn't have children (that didn't happen until Genesis 4).
So yeah, oneness is what's paramount. A word that comes to mind when I think about two people becoming one through the act of sex is fusion—"the act or process of fusing or melting together; union". Union. Marital union. The tripped out thing about the fusion process is, even if you aren't big on the Bible, science backs this up too. When you get a chance, check out "We Should Really Rethink the Term 'Casual Sex'" and you'll see where I'm coming from. Singles, oxytocin is nothing to take lightly, and married folks, if you want to feel closer to your spouse, if you physically desire to "become one" with them, the transmission of oxytocin via sex is one way to make that happen.
2. Sex Is Great for Your Health
You can read articles like "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits of Sperm" and see that sex will definitely do your body good. However, even if you're not the biggest oral sex connoisseur, there are still a ton of benefits that come from sexual intercourse too. Sex reduces stress (more on that in just a sec), boosts your immune system, strengthens your pelvic floor and bladder, lowers your blood pressure, burns calories and can help to prevent prostate cancer when it comes to your hubby too. And that really is just the tip of the iceberg!
3. Sex Is the Ultimate De-Stressor
It is a proven fact that sex has a powerful way of reducing stress levels. For one thing, it releases endorphins and oxytocin so that you feel better. Sex also lowers the stress hormone cortisol in your system so that your blood pressure drops, you are less anxious, and you feel calmer. Deep breathing and climaxing also aid in making it so much easier to relax.
Being that heart disease, diabetes, headaches, depression, asthma and obesity are all health issues that are directly connected to stress, and because stress also affects our levels of productivity, concentration and effective communication, you can see why using sex to lower your stress levels is such a wise thing to do (especially morning sex!).
4. Sex Strengthens Communication
A few weeks back, I penned a piece on here about how to have a simultaneous orgasm with your partner. There are a few tips and tricks that are included; one of them is making sure that the both of you communicate with one another. What do you like? What do you want more of? What gets you there and what is a totally turn-off? (Another article that can make achieving this easier is "10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make".)
While it might be true that not everyone is a "dirty talker" in the bedroom, dead silence—even if it's before or after the act—isn't encouraged. For some couples, life is so hectic that the only time uninterrupted conversations can happen is in the bedroom. And sex? Sex is a form of intimacy and a gateway to feeling warmth, affection and nurturing from your partner. So, even if there's no dirty talk during, be open to some pillow talk afterwards.
Something that leads to divorce is poor communication. Something that can enhance communication is sex. This is a reality that definitely shouldn't be taken lightly.
5. Sex Is a Relational Responsibility
This is a point that gets overlooked way too much. That said, I'd venture to say that if there is one thing that having sex as a single person does, it's that it sets us up to be very sexually self-centered. For the most part, we only think about sex as it relates to what we want and our needs. But when we make the decision to join our lives with another individual, their wants and needs become extremely important too. Sex is no longer solely on our feel-like-it-only terms; in many ways, it becomes a staple and necessity in order to keep the bond between us and our spouse healthy, solid and strong.
A married guy that I interviewed last year on this very topic probably said it best: "When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility. It's not just about me or when I'm in the mood for it. It's about genuinely caring about the wants and needs of my partner too."
I've read before that a sexless marriage can sometimes be grounds of divorce based on what is known as "constructive abandonment" (I recently read that a lack of sex can cause a spouse to feel not only abandoned but betrayed too). So long as both people are physically able and there is no abuse involved (of any form), I can get why someone who has sex less than 10-15 times of year—especially year after year—would consider calling it quits. A sexless marriage is not a healthy one. In it, reciprocity is severely lacking. And in many ways, that is an irresponsible approach to marriage.
6. Sex Discourages Infidelity
I remember a woman once said to me that so long as you give a man two different pieces of something, he will never stray—a piece of a good meal and a piece of well, you know. Although she was married for close to two decades, she's divorced now. One reason why is because her husband ended up cheating on her. So no, by no means am I saying that sex will guarantee an infidelity-free relationship.
What I will say, though, is many husbands have told me that the difference between looking at another woman and thinking, "Hmph. She's pretty" vs. "Hmm, I wonder what she's like" is what their sex life is like at home. As one husband once said, "You tend to not want anything to eat unless you're hungry." Hey, you might want to push back on that, but most of the couples I've dealt with where infidelity was involved, very little bedroom action (on the front end) was a common thread.
Even the Bible acknowledges that sex can keep "outsiders" out of a married couple's bond. If you don't believe me, check out I Corinthians 7:1-5 sometime. It's quite…enlightening.
7. Sex Is a Source of Healing
Healing is such a soothing kind of word. It means "to make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; free from ailment" and "to free from evil; cleanse; purify". As I was reading an article by a licensed therapist and author entitled "The Three Kinds of Sex", healing is exactly what came to mind. Basically, what she said is "sealed-off sex" is basically about you gettin' yours, "solace sex" is sex that you have when you're looking for some type of reassurance and "synchrony sex" is the kind of sex that provides the type of wholeness, restoration and purification that married couples should strive for. It's about the kind of sex that bonds you to your partner, makes you feel safe in their presence and provides you with a combination of both eroticism and joy. It's the type of sex that makes you feel loved, desired and completely nurtured.
Who doesn't feel better—mentally, physically and emotionally—after an experience like that? And, who doesn't want to feel that way, just as much as possible?
8. Sex Is a Form of Worship
Roll your eyes if you want to, but I know married couples who say grace before engaging in sexual activity. And yes, I mean a literal, "Heavenly Father, for what we are about to partake of, we are truly grateful. Please bless this entire experience. Amen" kind of prayer. If that seems sacrilegious and if you're a believer of the Bible, I don't know how it could be because the Good Book has sex all up in it. Even if you're not religious, science co-signs on sex being a spiritual experience as well. There are studies to support that the bonding hormone oxytocin actually causes men to feel connected to a higher power whenever elevated amounts of it is in their system.
Since oxytocin is at its peak during an orgasm, sex is definitely a spiritual experience; probably one of the most powerful ones that there is. Don't @ me on this. The Bible and science have my back. There is absolutely no need.
9. Sex Conveys Love, Desire and Selflessness
I know some pretty "'bout it, 'bout it" fellas who, not only have absolutely no intentions on ever settling down, they probably couldn't figure out how many partners they've had if somebody offered them a million bucks to do so. Still, every single one of them admit that sex with someone they care about tops sex with a "random" any day of the week.
An article entitled "The Differences Between Hook-Up Sex, Marital Sex, and Making Love" sheds some light into why. According to the author, with hook-ups, it's all about using someone else's body for your own pleasure; marital sex comes from a place of emotional connection and intimacy (although conflicts and disagreements can sometimes get in the way), and making love is "…when you treat each other as equal human beings within your daily relationship, and you're transparent about your inner life and emotions, you automatically feel more stimulation and excitement with each other. When you feel connected as equals and yet engage each other as separate, distinct individuals as well, that generates new energy and it enhances the sexual energy between the two of you."
I think the reason why virtually all of us prefer sex in a committed relationship is because when someone stands before you and declares that they've got your back, through thick and thin, no matter what, there's a safety in that. It goes beyond desire, to love and the purest form of selflessness. Commitment doesn't get any realer than when it comes to marriage.
10. Sex Can Get You Through “It”
Another interesting read on the topic of married sex is "How Often Married Couples Have Sex After 5, 10, 20, 30 Years Together". There is a wide range of answers, for sure. As I was reading that some couples still get it on 3-4 times a week, even after many years have passed, I thought about what I tell husbands and wives in my sessions—"With all of the responsibility that comes with marriage, married folks deserve sex!" Do you know what a lot of them tell me in response? Sometimes it's the pure pleasure of sex that gets them through the tough times.
"I've never understood why wives will withhold sex to make a point," one wife said to me. "Sounds to me like the sex isn't that good because if there's one thing I'm not gonna do in my marriage bed is deprive myself of what goes on up in there!" Good for her.
And when you think of all that was shared about marital sex in this lil' write-up, hopefully more of you can relate to what she said than not. Again, if sex is for anyone, it's married folks. It's pleasurable. It's fulfilling. It's also extremely necessary. For all of these reasons and more.
Wives (and husbands) reading this, from the very bottom of my heart, GET. YOURS. OFTEN.
Trust me, if I was married, I would be. Straight up.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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