

I already know. Some of y'all read the title of this piece and thought, "How in the world can anyone get to the point where they end up with a close friend who is also toxic?" Good question. I think a great example of how this can go down is the movie Something Borrowed (Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson). If you've never seen it before, it's really easy to catch because, just like BET plays Baby Boy incessantly, E! plays Something Borrowed all…of…the…time. (Sidenote—I wonder how much Taraji and Tyrese get paid every time Baby Boy airs. I recently read that the cast of Friends makes $20 million annually just on reruns alone!)
Anyway, the reason why the movie is relevant to this post is because it's about two BFFs—Darcy (played by Kate) and Rachel (played by Ginnifer). And yes, while it is a rom-com, it is also the perfect depiction of what it's like to be in a very close friendship that is anything but healthy for you. It also shows why sometimes, you need to make the oh so difficult decision to bring the relationship to a close (or at least give the bestie a demotion).
If you're not interested in watching the film or this has somehow piqued your curiosity to the point that you want to know some of the red flags to look out for right at this very moment, I've got 10 of 'em. Ten strong signs that, no matter how much you love someone, know someone or are attached to someone, it really is time to consider moving them out of the "close friend" category, so that some true friends can fill up that spot.
1. They’re Self-Absorbed.
I say it often because it's true. Unfortunately, a lot of people in this world don't want friends; they want fans. One way to detect this type of individual is to pay attention to the folks who constantly make everything about them. You call to tell them something and they turn the focus onto what they have going on. You're going through a hard time and they find a story about their life that sounds worse. Or worse, you're experiencing a great moment and they somehow find a way to one-up you. Why do they do these types of things? It's so that you will put your focus totally onto them because they feel like, of the two, they are more important—and relevant.
Be careful getting too close to a person like this. Chances are, if you're not always on the rah-rah tip with them, they will desert you—oftentimes without warning—in order to find someone who will be.
2. They’re Manipulative.
I remember a former married couple who was absolutely exhausting. The reason was because the wife, hands down, is one of the most manipulative people that I have ever met in my entire life. What really tripped me out about her is, whenever I brought that fact to her attention, it would trigger her. I could call her out for lying, cheating and sneaking to get credit cards that her husband knew absolutely nothing about (none of that is hypothetical, by the way) and she could roll with it. Oh, but tell a sistah she's got a manipulative spirit and she's about ready to fight. And you know what? I have learned that "hit dog will holler" rings true when it comes to manipulation. Folks can't stand to be told that they are because manipulative is such an ugly thing to be.
How can you know for sure if someone in your world is manipulative? Do you have a friend who likes to control you by playing the victim or guilt-tripping you? When they do something wrong or shady and you bring it to their attention, do they deflect by changing the subject? Do they try and pressure you into doing things that you don't want to do (especially if it's for them)? Maybe they come at you in ways that cause you to doubt yourself or undermine your confidence level?
Manipulative people are some of the most cryptic individuals because, when you're around them, although you know that something isn't quite right, sometimes, until you're reading an article like this one, you're not exactly sure what that something is. Now that you know, what do you plan to do about it?
3. They’re Never Wrong.
I don't trust people who don't have anything to regret. I also don't trust folks who can never admit when they are wrong and/or apologize. On the regret tip, I feel like it's dangerous to never have or show remorse for your actions (you can read more about that here). As far as not admitting when you're wrong or refusing to apologize, I mean, how arrogant can you be to not want to humble yourself in that way?
I once read an article about why it's so hard for some people to acknowledge their errors or apologize when they make a mistake (or a poor choice because those are not always one and the same). According to the author, some of the reasons are because some people don't know how to separate their error from their character (meaning, they feel like if they say "I apologize", it means they are saying that they are a "sorry individual") or that it lets the other individual totally off the hook for what they might need to own in the situation.
To me, admitting that I'm wrong helps me to grow and apologizing restores peace to my relationships. People who don't care about either of these? How can you have a healthy relationship with them if they don't want to evolve or they don't want to make sure that you're good after they've offended, hurt or harmed you? Exactly.
4. They’re Competitors and Copiers.
Once upon a time, I had a "friend" who was slick envious. But because of the low self-esteem that I had at the time, I didn't notice. How did I come to realize that she was that way? For one thing, other people told me that (yeah, sometimes your other friends can hip you to whether or not someone is toxic). Other than that, if I shared an idea with her, sometimes she would say that she recently had a similar brainstorm (hmm…). Or, if I tried an "off color" of lipstick, a few weeks later, I'd see her with it. Whenever I hit a milestone that I wanted to celebrate, she was always too busy to come. Or, if someone complimented me in their presence, they'd find a way to backhand it or discredit it.
Toxic people don't know how to let someone else bask in their individuality and progress. So, if you've got a friend who fits the bill of everything that I just said, just know that their hater-isms aren't "just how they are". They envy you and nothing good can ultimately come from constantly taking in that kind of energy.
5. They’re Shady Outside of Your Presence.
Look, even an enemy can smile in your face. That's why, the older that I get, the more that I define loyalty and trustworthiness by how my friends act whenever I'm not around. If you're a true friend, it shouldn't matter what someone says about me when they're in your presence. If it's gossipy or not true (sometimes gossip is true, it's just not anyone's business; that's why I separated it from "not true"), you shouldn't want to listen to it—this includes giving the kind of body language that shows you're interested in hearing more. Shoot, if you're a bestie, you should take it a step further and shut the conversation all the way down.
The word "friend" should be synonymous with the word "advocate". Advocate literally means "to speak in favor of". If you can't say, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that your close friends have your back, both in and outside of your presence, are you sure they are truly your friends? Are they really?
6. They Don’t Respect or Honor the “Codes”.
Whenever I come across articles with questions like "Is it OK to date your friend's ex?", I'm like, "Why does this require 500 words or more to come up with the answer?" It's a hard "no" for me. Ugh. And eww. I've got some friends with some okay-looking boyfriends or husbands, but that's just it—because they are with my friend, I can't get past seeing their men like I would a cute second cousin at a family reunion. They are with my friend. They've been intimate with my friend. Whether they know it or not, my friend has told me some things that make me impressed that they are with them. So yeah, even if my friend breaks up with their man, I'll pass.
All of this reminds me of a convo I had with a bestie. As we were discussing a shirt that I used to own that connected people to their sex partners by way of proxy to illustrate how easily HIV can spread, I said to her, "If that shirt is true, we've technically slept together." Her ex and my ex have dated the same woman; slept with her too. See my point?
My friend and I can't control that. But I can certainly control messing with the man she has now—both in the present and future.
So yeah, if you're not sure that your friend thinks along these same lines or that they wouldn't dishonor any other friend loyalty codes that you may have, that's something else to pay close attention to. A code-breaker is one of the worst things that a so-called friend can be. On so many levels and for so many reasons.
7. They Don’t Really Care About Your Feelings.
Semi-recently, I had a conversation with a guy friend about something he did that really hurt my feelings. Just to paint a clear picture, not only did he do something to hurt me, but when I conveyed how it made me feel, he ghosted. For months. As I shared with him just how devastated I was, he went on to talk about how, while he didn't want to hurt me, he didn't know how to handle the situation and so he figured that silence was best; not for my sake but his own. Do you know what that boils down to? Ole' boy didn't really care about my feelings. And you know what? A lot of people have friends—close friends—who are a lot like him.
If you've got someone in your life who isn't empathetic or compassionate, who doesn't provide a listening ear or shoulder to cry on when you need it, who doesn't try and be there for you when you're hurting (whether it's because of something they did or life did, in general)—they are showing that they are emotionally detached from you. How can relationship be real or lasting without a true intimate connection? Without both individuals caring about how the other truly feels and showing that by showing up?
8. They Take Way More Than They Give.
I've shared before that I once had a "friend" who, in the entire almost two decades of being friends with her, I can only recall one thing that she ever gave me. It was a five-dollar ring. Me, on the other hand? You never know who's reading this stuff, so I won't get into specifics. Let's just say that I spent thousands of dollars easily. I mean, I can think of one gift alone that was close to that.
You probably read that and focused more on how much I spent vs. how little she did. I get it. But here's the thing—most of my inner circle are pretty big givers; not all of the time, but when we're inspired to do something super special for one another, it's a done deal. And yes, sometimes the price tag is way more than $39.95.
Besides, my issue with this particular person isn't that she didn't give as much as I did; it's that she didn't really give at all. Oh, but she was always ready to take. Toxic people tend to do that. They're selfish. They're opportunistic as well. What it all boils down to is, so long as you're meeting their needs, at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to them. That's not how a true friendship works. Not by a long shot.
9. They Are Always in Some Sort of Drama.
Always in a mood. Constantly falling out with someone. Overreacting to every darn thing. Needing to be the center of attention—online and off—all of the time. Making mountains out of molehills. Addicted to gossip. Super picky. Easily stressed. Mad controlling. DRAINING. This is what it's like to be a drama queen or king. If you read all of that and was exhausted, chances are, someone in your life is one. And drama? It is the textbook definition of toxic.
So, why do so many of us stay clique-tight with people who are dramatic? Not too get super deep and psychological, but I personally think that it has something to do with our childhoods. If our parents or other relatives were like this, we're probably used to it. That's the bad news. The good news is, now that you're grown, you can choose who you want to be around. Do you really want to choose drama? (Don't answer right away. Allow that to sink in for a bit.)
10. They Keep You Around Solely for Their Benefit.
You've got a great career. You have impressive resources and connections. You've got a big heart. You're unbelievably supportive and loyal. You're long-suffering (you're the kind of individual who can put up with a lot). Who wouldn't want to have someone like this in their corner?
You know the saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemy closer"? A toxic person even feels this way about their friends. They don't keep people close out of love, respect and appreciation. They keep them close because their friend has something (or many things) that they want. In other words, they're a user. You deserve so much better than that.
Whew. Now that all of that has been brought out into the open, I will say that since none of us are perfect, you may have some close friends with one or two of these issues. But if your eyes got big to more than half, you may think that that person is your close friend but really they are someone you need to distance yourself from, quick, fast and in a hurry. Because being close to you is a privilege and if someone is toxic, they are taking advantage of that. They are slowly chipping away at you too. You deserve a true close friend. Baby, if yours fit this list, they are so…not…it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Should You Take An Ex-Friend Back?
10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships
I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend
According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends
Feature image by Giphy
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
The ChatGPT Prompts That Got Me Through A Career & Life Transition
Oftentimes when we hear about ChatGPT prompts, there's always some sort of business pitch, entrepreneurship push, or other shortcut connected to money-making. (Well, at least that's been the annoying case with my Instagram feed.) It's undeniable, though, that ChatGPT prompts can be game-changers, even beyond business plans or revenue schemes.
For me, creating and using my own ChatGPT prompts has been more about self-motivation, self-development and inspiration, especially at a tough time of career transitions and personal shifts. And as cray-cray as things seem in the U.S., especially related to one's livelihood, future financial stability, and overall mental health, I decided to take back a bit of my power using a great AI resource that you'll literally wonder how the hell it knows you so well to even answer your prompts so accurately.
Here are a few ChatGPT prompts that have been super-helpful and empowering related to career and finances. Simply visit OpenAi.com/Index/ChatGPT (or use the app of your choice), copy and paste the prompts, and be sure to fill in the blanks before submitting them:
The "Level Up" Prompt
Write an encouraging letter to a Black [your age]-year-old woman who is a [occupation] and wants to level up in her career. She lives in [city and/or state], earns [your yearly salary], and wants to be able to [career passion 1], [career passion 2], [career passion 3] during her work day. She also wants to earn [your dream salary] and work from [office/home/dream place of business] but feels challenged by [briefly state challenge here in 3-4 words.]
I swear ChatGPT got me all the way together, reminded me of the amazing experienced journalist, editor, and speaker that I am, and gave quick tips on how to take things to the next level that are actually doable.
The "Get My Credit Card Debt In Check" Prompt
Write a detailed plan, with categories, for a woman in her [age group] who is a [occupation] earning [your yearly salary]. She wants to cut at least 50 percent of her current credit card debt of [card balance] with an APR of [percentage]. Her minimum payment is [amount] and she'd like to cut down in [days/months/years]. Her expenses include [list] along with non-negotiable spending on [leisure/travel/fitness/wellness or other activity].
From here, it can also create spreadsheets or you can request that it get more specific with each category. You can also request that the plan be adjusted based on the first response and whether it truly fits something you can realistically do. Add more specific details based on your life, the unique challenges you face, or other options you have in mind knowing what you're capable of or you're realistically interested in doing to pay off a debt.
The "Retire Early" Prompt
Write a step-by-step early retirement plan for a woman age [your age]. She has [time in years] of experience in [industry] and has been working for her current company for [how many years]. She also currently earns [amount] per year. She lives in [city and/or state], [rents/owns], and has [amount] in savings. She also has [amount] in her 401K [or Roth IRA---whichever is relevant to your situation.] She currently has [amount] in her checking account(s). [Add any other details about your earnings including side hustles, businesses, freelance work, settlements, lottery, rental income, or other funds you have access to.] She has [amount] in unpaid debt. She'd like to retire by [age; and be reasonable sis] and live in [city and state/country].
While early retirement might seem like a pipe dream to some of us, a prompt like this lets you know that it's more possible than you think. It's also something great to take to a financial adviser so you can sift through what's actually doable (based on real-life scenarios) and what's not.
The "Career Pivot" Prompt
Write a plan for a woman who works as a [occupation] and wants to pivot into earning money doing [new career or career activity]. She is passionate about [activity or goal] to serve [potential audience/client/customer]. She wants to transition out of [current career] to earn [amount] doing [new career or career activity] by [time/date] and earn [dream income that you'd make doing the new career activity]. Include steps and categories. Include a timeline to achieve this by [date].
This is a helpful prompt when you feel stuck in your current role (or even your career altogether) and simply need inspiration on what could be the perfect pivot. You can update this to include different career activities or scenarios, add company names or brands, and even ask for pitches or ways to brand yourself online to achieve this goal.
The "Faith-Filled Career Confidence Booster" Prompt
Write a letter from God to a woman who is feeling like she is behind in life. She feels lost and scared, especially with everything that is going on in the U.S. right now, politically and economically. She is [age], works as a [occupation], and lives in [city/state]. She has [educational degrees or training], loves [three passions/hobbies/favorite activities], and has [mention family, spouse, children, or other loved one, even if a pet here.] She is [mention three things you like about yourself including one about your appearance]. She wants to achieve [list two small but important goals here that are related to personal and/or professional life]. She has faced [list any major and specific challenges, briefly, here] and does not know how she will handle these challenges. Include [Bible verses] of encouragement to study.
This prompt had me in tears, but it reminded me of my Biblical upbringing and my foundation for success and motivation. It also reminded me to get stronger in my faith, to read my Bible a bit more, and to stop allowing doom and gloom to inform my approach to problem-solving.
The "Talk That Career Ish" Prompt
Write a letter from the perspective of a football [or sport of your choice] coach for a woman aged [age] who works as the best [occupation] in [city, state]. She has accomplished [list 3-5 highlights of your career, whether past or recent] and is a leader in [relevant business or career activities that reflect leadership, whether you've accomplished these things or they're aspirational]. She brings the following skills to the work with her: [list 2-5] and she is proud of [aspirational career goal of you at your highest career self.]
Add in the name of your favorite coach and this gets even better! (I used Deion Sanders, but choose who you want.) You'll not only get hyped up to remember the fabulous bad boss you are, but you'll also get tips on how to be even more successful in the future.
Try any of these prompts and use them as stepping stones to prompt positive thinking, further conversations for financial and career planning, or just a fun and potentially constructive distraction from all the mess that's going on. Dig deeper and request more specific steps, inclusions of actual resources like books, conferences, or course recommendations, or create images, vision boards, or graphs. Add in specifics that will help you remain accountable in planning to meet a specific financial or career goal.
Also, this is a big one: Be sure to remember that ChatGPT is simply a tool. It's neither a genie nor the Almighty. You'll need to fact-check, use common sense, and adjust any sort of plans based on your actual reality. Try out these ChatGPT prompts as springboards for sparking imagination, motivation, and innovation.
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Featured image by Getty Images