I've got a friend who is a Hallmark-aholic. So, when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday a few weeks back, it was actually no shock to me that she wanted some cards sent in the mail. Selecting the perfect ones wasn't the issue; the problem was, because I spend so much time banging on my laptop's keyboard, it's almost like I forgot how to write cursive. What in the world?! But it was so worth it to hear her almost tear up over the phone because written messages move her so.
Her reaction reminded me of why I oftentimes suggest to my married clients that they handwrite love letters to one another. While, on the surface, this kind of gesture may not seem like that big of a deal, if you humor me for about 5-7 minutes, I'll offer up some reasons why writing a card on some beautiful stationary and gifting your beloved with it could be the kind of investment into your union that will pay off for years to come.
It Can Help You to Tap into Your Romantic (and Creative) Side
If someone were to ask me for the top five reasons why so many married people struggle, believe it or not, "extreme things" like affairs or even financial issues are not what immediately comes to mind. I'm actually more in the lane of sharing the fact that many partners feel disconnected, the passion in the bedroom has waned and/or couples have become plain ole' bored. One definition of bored is "tedious repetition" and, let's be real—when you've vowed before God and your loved ones that you will share the rest of your life with someone, while living in a limited amount of square footage, it's understandable that things can start to feel a little "yawn" from time to time (check out "This Will Get You Through The 'Ho-Hum Seasons' In Your Relationship").
To breathe some life back into your relationship, a very sweet, sentimental and simple thing that you can do is write your spouse a love letter. One reason why I've found this to be so effective is because, oftentimes, when a relationship is new, romantic gestures, on both sides, tend to be at an all-time high. Then, a good two or so years into a marriage, as life "gets in the way", it can be easy to fall into a routine that oftentimes leaves romance totally out of it.
Making the time to express the love—and desire—that you have for your partner is not only extremely thoughtful; it's also something that can help you to tap back into your creative side, so that you can get your romantic juices flowing again. And personally, I don't know any relationship where, more romance, is seen as being problematic. Not in the least lil' bit.
It Can Help You to Clearly Express What or How You’re Feeling
Personally, I find it to be extremely endearing when couples make sure to say "I love you" on a regular and consistent basis. Yet, as wonderful as those three words are, if we're not careful, they can make us lean a little bit on the lazy side when it comes to communicating with our partner beyond a surface level. What I mean by that is, we can take on the attitude that "I love you" should be an all-encompassing statement. Problem with that is, if you or your partner happens to be a words of affirmation person like I am, you/they could end up feeling a little "empty handed". A love letter is a very effective way to go beyond "I love you" and into the reasons behind that sentiment.
Another awesome thing about penning a love letter is it's a wonderful way to express how you're feeling if you're not someone who is big on words or you're not the best at articulating your thoughts. If you want to express how attracted you are to your spouse, the reasons why you are so thrilled to be married to them, or what you appreciate about them that you haven't said, either in a long time or perhaps at all, a love letter can help you to get your thoughts together so that your spouse can know exactly where you are coming from.
It Can Be an Effective Way to Take a Stroll Down Memory Lane
An author by the name of Susan Gale once said, "Sometimes a short walk down memory lane is all it takes to appreciate where you are today." This point can apply across the board, but I like it in this context because—your first date, your first kiss, the first "I love you" exchange, your first holiday together…who doesn't like to revisit memories that basically serve as puzzle pieces to the much bigger picture that is you're here and now with your spouse? Even if you happen to be someone (or happen to be blessed to be with someone) who is a great verbal communicator, it can still be very special for a love letter to be written that consists of all of the moments that brought you and yours to this very point. A love letter can be a collection of memories and something that can be held dear for years to come.
It Can Further Confirm Why You Committed to Your Spouse in the First Place
If there's a couple that I've met with for more than five sessions, an exercise that I typically encourage them to partake in is writing a list of the reasons why they fell in love—or, as I'd prefer to phrase it, chose to deeply love—their partner.
Because I'm such a fan of individuals being proactive (over reactive), I have found that recalling what you adore about your spouse's mind, body and spirit can help to keep things in perspective on the days when, quite frankly, they are either getting on your very last nerve or you find yourself saying, "I honestly don't know why I married your ass." (Trust me singles, married folks tend to get to that point and place, more than once, over the course of their union.)
After the husband and wife jot their reasons down, I then recommend that they either post the lists somewhere where they can look at them every day (like a bedroom mirror or the refrigerator in the kitchen) or that they turn their list into art (like perhaps blowing it up and putting the lists over their bed or in their offices).
This being said, another way to present the list is by putting everything together in letter form. In many ways, it adds to the appreciation of the list because it takes time to sit down and write a letter in your own handwriting. However you choose to do it, recalling when you chose the partner that you did can make you feel more grateful and cause them to feel more appreciated—and seen. It's a win/win in both directions.
It’s a Treasured Keepsake
My godchildren's mom's mother passed away when she was seven. One of the things that she still has from when her mother was alive are the love letters that her mom and dad wrote each other. While she jokes that sometimes they are a bit "TMI" for her taste, she has also told me, many times over the years, that she is so thankful that she has those in her possession. Know what? I've had a few women tell me the same thing—that they too have their parents' love letters and, not only has it made them feel closer to their mom and dad, but it has given them a different perspective on things like love, commitment and yes, romance.
So, whether love letters between you and your spouse are for you two's eyes only (cue Sheena Easton. How many of y'all remember her?) or so that you can have something to pass down to your own children on their wedding day or later up the road, there aren't too many keepsakes that top the preciousness of handwritten love letters. Wouldn't you agree?
Chances Are, Your Spouse Won’t See It Coming. Like, At All.
When's the last time that you did something that was completely out of the blue for your spouse? I don't mean "expected out of the blue" like maybe showing up at their job for work or emailing them a reservation at a hotel (which, if you're that kind of spouse, I most certainly salute you!). I mean something that, not in a million years, did they ever seen "it" coming? Unless you write for a living or you just drip with romance 24/7 (or they do), there's a pretty good chance that they never predicted that they would wake up to a letter on their pillowcase or in their briefcase.
There's no time like the present to catch them totally and completely off guard! Remember that presentation is key, so make sure it's some gorgeous stationary or a beautiful blank greeting card. Then set aside about an hour to pen a love letter. I can almost guarantee that it will be just as revealing to you as the writer as it will be to your partner, the reader. Plus, it will be the gift that keeps on giving, each and every time they read it. So…what are you waiting for? Get off of this thing and get to writing, sis.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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