Y’all, if there’s one thing that isn’t going away any time soon, it’s definitely sex toys — most specifically, vibrators. That’s not just my opinion either because there is quite a bit of data out here to support the fact that a little over half of all women use them. And out of that bunch, interestingly enough, they’re the ones to get the pelvic exams and do self-vaginal exams the most consistently. If you are among them, kudos to you for that.
And while there are plenty of women who will basically do a free commercial that vouches for sex toys (again, especially vibrators) because of how reliable they are when it comes to achieving the Big O and even though there are also articles (and social media posts) that talk about how some women even prefer them to actually being intimate with men (I don’t get that part yet y’all do you), believe it or not, there are also women who have officially retired their rabbit and dildos. Their reasons may not all be the same, yet there seem to be no regrets for most. I’ve got 10 women here who were happy to state their case.
*Middle names are always used so that people will feel comfortable speaking freely*
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Angelica. 37. Single.
“I started using sex toys because I could never cum with a partner. It didn't matter if he was a casual partner, a boyfriend, or even my ex-husband — sex was fine, but I could never ever fully ‘get there.’ A girlfriend of mine bought me a vibrating bullet, and I was hooked! Too hooked because it caused me to not even care if a man was pleasing me or not. And that’s why I let it go. I’m not going to go through my life thinking that the only way I can orgasm is with a device. The man I’m with now agrees. He’s made it his goal to make me not regret my decision.”
Rheya. 29. Engaged.
“I love my vibrators, do you hear me? I mean, you would think that they were actual people, the way that I used to talk about them, because, yes, I gave them names and everything. Don’t judge me! But when my fiancé and I first started having sex, he would ask me why I had so many of them. When I told him that they were a ‘sure thing,’ I guess he took that as a challenge because, one day, I came home, and they were gone. He said he didn’t throw them away, but he did put them up so that we could focus on him being what I wanted the most. Girl, I ain’t looked for them things. He made his point. No — he makes his point at least once a week!”
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Sebbe. 27. Single.
“If you’ve never used a vibrator before, it can be addicting. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. So much that it’ll have you out here mad at men for not being physically capable of doing what it can. I don’t even know if it’s healthy to cum in under two minutes, but what I do know is it’s not fair to expect humans to be like robots. So, I guess I’m on a fast from mine. I can’t promise you that it will be forever, but I do need to do some decompressing. I would hate to hate men for the rest of my life because their d-ck ain’t a rabbit.”
Xen. 32. Married.
“I recently watched a girl on Instagram talk about a vibrator can do just what a man can. I don’t know what the f-ck she was talking about. Back in my sex toy days, I was using them to tide me over in between not having a relationship so that I wouldn’t be out here in these crazy streets! But if any woman thinks that some little thing that you can hold in your hand beats a whole, complete, and entire man in their bed…they clearly have not met their match yet. I have, and I don’t have to see another sex toy again, thanks to him. S-it, let me call this man and tell him that.”
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Nora. 40. Single.
“A thrusting vibrator will change your life! I mean, CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I was out here turning down dates, not hanging with my girls, making it late to work — all kinds of craziness because that’s how much my thrusting vibrator was bringing me joy. That’s the problem: it was taking over my life. Women will talk all day about how porn can destroy a man’s view of intimacy, but they don’t wanna talk about that dependency on a vibrator can do to their cooty cat. One day, I threw mine out the window while driving down the street. I wasn’t going to part with it any other way. It was like I went through withdrawals — and that’s how I knew that it had to go. If no man is supposed to have me crazy actin’ like that, I know that no damn sex toy should!”
Quincie. 31. Single.
“I got scared silly out of not using vibrators anymore. I don’t really want to talk about it. I do want to share a warning: it’s probably not waterproof if it has to be plugged into the wall to charge. Folks don’t want to talk about that kind of stuff, but my vagina is happy to be alive right now.”
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Natalie. 46. In a Serious Relationship.
“Shellie, it was actually talking to you that got me to take the pressure off of myself and the men I sleep with when it comes to [vaginal] orgasms. For years, I would think that something was wrong with me because penetration wasn’t enough. When you said that the placement of the clitoris when it comes to the vagina can play a huge part in climaxing, that set me free! For a long time, I would bring sex toys in to stimulate my clitoris while I was having sex. The man I’m with now said that he preferred to do it — and the ways that he’s come up with, I prefer him too. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. Just know that there are a billion ways for a man to ‘apply pressure,’ sis.”
Bree. 28. Engaged.
“My situation might be different from other women you talk to. What I gave up was my rabbit and dildo, although my fiancé and I use BDSM stuff and cock rings. I got rid of certain sex toys because I like the feeling of only having my man inside of me. The feeling is different, and it takes more effort for me to cum, but I don’t mind that. The intimacy of real flesh is so much better than some silicone.”
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Chevele. 25. Single.
“My reason is simple. My first orgasm was with a sex toy, and I kind of regret that. I wanted to share that with a man — not [from having] ‘just sex’ either. I wanted it to be with someone I was in a serious commitment with, but I listened to my friends and put cumming before the intimacy I know I deserve. I’m seeing someone now, and I think I’m ready to have sex with him. I’m glad that I don’t have the dependency of any sex toy. I just want to see where things go and flow. We’ll see what happens.”
Hazel. 33. Married.
“Sex toys are alright. I’ve never been hooked but I won’t lie that they are very consistent. But when you’re in a happy and healthy marriage, the goal of sex isn’t just having an orgasm. You want to share yourself and learn your partner. Sex toys can make you lazy and almost apathetic if you’re not careful. Mine are in the garage. So long as I’ve got this big fine man in my bed, that’s where they will stay. I don’t miss them at all.”
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There you have it: 10 women who pretty much loved and left as far as sex toys go. I must admit that the thing I enjoy most about these types of articles is that I get to share that there is more than one side to everything. In this case, yes, a lot of women are thriving in their sex toy box. Then there are women who have never touched one. And then there are women who can look back on their experiences fondly and still leave them in the past with no regrets.
My biggest takeaway? If you can’t see life without something, you probably need to scale back a bit. Otherwise, incorporate balance, know your “why” and do you — whether it’s a toy, your man, or…both. #wink
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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