Will Smith, Chris Rock And What Accountability Looks Like
By now you’ve heard about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars after Rock told a bad joke related to Jada Pinkett Smith’s alopecia.
I’m less interested in talking about The Slap™ however and more interested in talking about something that happened mere moments later. A photo captured Will Smith being spoken to by Denzel Washington and Tyler Perry a few feet away from the Oscars stage during the first commercial break that came after the altercation.
There’s not much known to the public about what was said during the conversation aside from what Smith said during this acceptance speech when told the audience that Washington said “At your highest moment, be careful. That’s when the devil comes for you.” Reportedly Washington also went to comfort Pinkett Smith after speaking with Smith.
READ MORE: THE 94TH OSCARS BLACK HISTORY MOMENTS WE SHOULDN'T FORGET
It's a moment that’s gotten lost in all the chaos of the discourse that’s been generated after the events that unfolded. A moment of tenderness and love that resembles so much of what’s missing from the current conversation around Smith’s actions.
Regardless of how you feel about Smith’s action – disappointed, elated, angry, bemused – I’ve been frustrated about certain reactions that have fixated on wanting the actor to receive carceral punishment. Many people both in and outside the legal system view hitting someone without physical provocation to be illegal, punishable by imprisonment or at least some form of state sanctioned penalty such as probation or community service. But the calls to incarcerate Smith seem to ignore the fact that Rock has reportedly already declined to press charges against Smith, thus begging the question: who is it that we are protecting by insisting on carceral solutions if the person harmed here is not interested in pursuing any legal recourse?
The supposed violence people seem to be reacting to is not even the violence that allows for Rock to make a joke minimizing Jada’s health and using it as comedic fodder for a (mostly) white audience. The harm they’re reacting to has even less to do with Smith’s hand swiftly connecting to Rock’s face. It’s about forcing people to contend with impolite emotions and reactions in public. It’s the violence of violating the rule of civility in the face of oppression that white institutions such as the Oscars cloak themselves in. It’s evident by how many people have suggested that Smith should’ve just confronted Rock behind the scenes instead of on stage for all to see. Or how people who claim “violence is never the answer” can so easily suggest an inherently violent place like prison as a solution for every single problem that arises in our society. “Prisons do not disappear social problems, they disappear human beings,” as Angela Davis wrote.
If a Black man who has had a professional and personal reputation of being one of the nicest men in Hollywood for over the course of his three-decade career can immediately be villainized, I shudder at the thought of the way people are treating the Black boys and Black men in their everyday lives with considerably less social and monetary capital. Even the way white people continue to reconfigure Rock as a white person (“what if he were Betty White?!” What if he were Bob Saget?!”) in their supposed defense of Rock shows the limits of their concern and that they can’t even summon sympathy for the Black man that they’re claiming was harmed without casting themselves as the victims.
People struggle to imagine what accountability looks like without prisons but we must. Accountability in this situation could look like Smith, Pinkett-Smith, and Rock coming together to have a private conversation about what transpired and then bringing it to a public platform like Pinkett-Smith’s talk show Red Table Talk to have a discussion about alopecia, as well as ableism and misogynoir in comedy. And sometimes accountability looks like being pulled to the side by an elder like Washington that will gently but firmly correct you. Accountability is an act of love and community. And Sunday night showed us a brief glimpse of what that looks like.
Black women are not a monolith. We all are deserving of healing and wholeness despite what we've been through, how much money we have in the bank, or what we look like. Most importantly, we are enough—even when we are not working, earning, or serving.
Welcome to Black Girl Whole, your space to find the wellness routine that aligns with you! This brand-new marketplace by xoNecole is a safe space for Black women to activate their healing, find the inspiration to rest, and receive reassurance that we are one small act away from finding our happiness.
Want to discover where you are on your wellness journey? You don't have to look far. In partnership with European Wax Center, we're bringing you a customized wellness quiz to help you up your wellness game. Answer our short series of questions to figure out which type of wellness lover you are, what you need to bring more balance into your life, and then go deeper by shopping products geared towards clearing your mind, healing your body, and soothing your spirit.
Ready to get whole? Take our quiz now!
“Just date yourself” could easily be crowned as the worst advice you could impart to a single woman. The all-too-common expression has become blanket advice for us dating folks and is typically met with eye-rolls and dismissal. In most cases, it’s coupled with the dash of “just work on yourself” and a sprinkle of “let love find you,” leaving some to believe that love enters our lives when we’re on the offense.
But in recent times, the conversation surrounding dating yourself has been reclaimed to mean something that’s less about turning ourselves into a DIY project and more about making time to give ourselves the love, attention, and quality time that we desire.
Masturdating & What Exactly Is Solo Dating
Solo dating, otherwise known as masturdating — as Urban Dictionary defines it, is the act of “going out alone” and enjoying one's own company without the presence of a romantic partner. The method is all about taking the time to explore your interests and passions while discovering acts of self-love that truly make your heart flutter.
While popular culture has made singleness out to be a sort of loveless life sentence, solo dating takes the focus from outward expectations to an inward commitment. It can be a liberating and empowering experience for women to go on solo dates, especially if they’re used to putting their own needs and desires aside for the sake of others.
When you participate in going on solo dates, you in turn, learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company, build self-confidence, and develop a stronger sense of self-awareness.
How Do You Go on a Solo Date?
Solo dates can take many different forms, depending on one's interests and preferences. For example, some women may enjoy going to a museum or art gallery on their own, while others may prefer taking a solo hike in nature or trying out a new restaurant.
Whatever your speed is, the key to a successful solo date is to approach it with an open mind and a positive attitude. Sans the lonely girl energy. Why? Because there’s no shame in being single and exercising the muscles of treating yourself.
Many single women understand that there’s no real substitute for romantic love when your desire is to be in a loving relationship. However, solo dates help you to stay in the practice of hopeful anticipation and set the standard for when you begin to get courted by potential suitors.
It’s not always about overindulgence and buying your way to the contentment of singlehood; but more so about taking the focus away from finding “the one” and creating moments with yourself that remind you that regardless of your relationship status, you are always the number one priority in your life.
So if you're feeling hesitant or unsure about solo dating and where to start, we’ve put together a list of four steps you can take to connect to master your dating needs through masturdating.
1. Start with some personal foreplay.
There’s nothing like getting yourself in the mood and the right headspace to take yourself out on the town. To prepare your mind for your solo date, start by taking a relaxing shower and follow up with your favorite body care and makeup routine. Light a candle. Play your favorite playlist and speak affirmations and compliments to yourself. Tell yourself how beautiful you look in that dress you’re wearing and how you single-handedly beat your soft-glam look to the gods.
The moments you have with yourself before your date are just as important as the date itself, so be your perfect hype woman.
2. Make plans in advance.
Sure, there’s nothing wrong with a spontaneous date night, but if you’re a girl who loves an itinerary or is new to the solo dating world, you’ll want to plan in advance. Setting a date on the calendar for when you want to take yourself out not only gets you excited for the night but sets the standard that if you or any man wants to get the most out of your time, they’ll have to make the time. Set a reservation 24-48 hours in advance. Plan out your itinerary. Know the showtime for the movie you’re headed to. You’ll thank yourself for it later.
3. Be open to something new.
If you’re taking yourself out on a solo date, congratulations! You’re already taking the first step to breaking out of your comfort zone and trying something completely new. The first few times you take yourself out, it will feel awkward and unfamiliar, but you’re getting the experience of dating yourself while gaining the experience of a new restaurant, cooking class, concert, or museum too. And once you’ve gotten over the discomfort and conquered your fears, all those nervous butterflies that come with a first date will be a little easier to manage.
4. Come home and reflect.
What feelings were brought up while you were out? Was the night a success? Did you strike up a conversation with someone at the bar? Journaling is an essential tool to use while solo dating to discover new layers of yourself. When you take the time to reflect on the personal time and dating experience that you had, you’re able to get a visual of what your core values are, what new things you learned about yourself, and even script what the perfect date night would look like when love enters your life.
Not to mention, it gives you the space to show gratitude for your single season because it deserves to be celebrated too.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by DragonImages/Getty Images
