The first time I realized that I was "just another American" was probably one of the hardest lessons I've ever received as an adult.
From 2005-2006, I was deployed with the USS Theodore Roosevelt Strike Group to the Middle East Area of Operation. That meant that we were chasing pirates, getting side eyes from Middle Eastern and European locals, and turning up during port visits. During one of our port visits to Bahrain, I got the chance to get my hair braided by an African women, which I thought would be the highlight of my deployment.
First of all, these women from "the motherland" were insanely gorgeous, and I thought that while they did my hair, we would have some amazing conversations - I was black, they were black, and we were all magical women because our amazing melanin connected us.
Tuh! To make a long story short, they made it very, very clear that the only thing we shared in common was our skin tone, and even that was questionable. It was the most uncomfortable braiding session ever. The way they were acting, they only wanted my money, they provided me a service, and once they were finished they wanted me out of there. I couldn't get out of that shop fast enough.
But they weren't the only ones who felt that way. During every port visit, I was told time and time again that I was "just another American." Sometimes they were nice about it because I wore a uniform. Others hated me because I was alive and American. As a black woman whose family members were active fighters during the Civil Rights Movement, it hurt like hell hearing what foreigners thought about me. But what could I do about it besides hold myself to high standards, and hope that people would see my heart before my country's flag?
This is why I wasn't mad at all when The View co-host Whoopi Goldberg said that she was an "American" and not "African-American" a few days ago during the Hot Topics segment of the show.
If you haven't been in the know, Whoopi went on a rant about seeking refuge overseas because of Donald Trump's presidential bid. Lord knows most of us agrees with her on that subject!
But what she said next put some people off. She went into a passionate speech about being an American woman, and not an African-American woman. She said,
“You know what uh uh! This is my country...My mother, my grandmother, my great-grand folks, we busted ass to be here. I’m sorry. I’m an American. I’m not an African-American, I’m not a chick American, I’m an American!”
I know, I know. Some people probably feel like Whoopi is being a "coon" after spilling her guts on the subject. After all, the other View co-host Raven Symone got drug through the dirt when she said that she was "American" during her 2014 Oprah interview. And the people who were doing the dragging session had very valid points. "White" people, and those census surveys, see us as African-American, right? Well you're 100 percent correct.
But the other truth is that when you step outside of this country, you're "just another American." In today's tumultuous political climate, this could be a term of endearment in war torn countries. "Just another American" means we are rescuing someone's family from death. It means that we are feeding children who are facing their final hours because of malnutrition due to political struggle. During those times, I proudly stripped myself of being "African-American", and stood with my military brothers and sisters by following the orders of my Commander-in-Chief, no matter what I thought of his policies. During those times, the word African-American was far less important than being a human being, in my opinion.
To others, "just another American" is a badge of shame. To them, the flag I represent is synonymous with target practice. Those people could care less about my melanin, because the rhetoric or policies the Americans I fought for trumps what's in my heart. I was "just another American", and to them that was something I should truly hate.
When I set foot back in U.S. territory as a combat veteran, I came back with a new sense of honor. I am proud as hell of the contributions my ancestors made to my country. I feel dignified to be the daughter of slaves who broke their necks and backs to afford me with the opportunities that I have today, and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. But I am also an American, and I'm honored to wear that title. Let me spell out what that means:
I honorably represented my country as I helped to feed dying families, as they made a dangerous voyage from Somalia to another land, knowing that they were going to be killed before they saw the sun set on the horizon. At that time, I was an American and a human being.
I proudly stood at attention and gave 11 of my 17 military brothers a final hand salute while a bugler played "Taps," as they were laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery following a deadly helicopter crash. At that time, I was a mother burying several women's sons who defended our country, and we were all Americans.
I held my head high, and let people of all colors in a social media group call me a "race-baiting n-gger" and a "coon" - all at once - for reporting difficult stories when I was a social media editor for a major news corporation. To them, I wasn't worthy to be called a human being, but I was still an American.
[Tweet "Yes I'm a black woman, and I'm magical by right."]
But the American flag I've fought for and represented will never ever be a source of shame. I'm not fluid when I say I'm American. It is what I am, and if that makes you feel ashamed of me, then so be it.
As Fox 5 DC reporter Shawn Yancy said in a Facebook post on the subject,
"No... I'm not denying my roots. I know that at some point in my family tree, my ancestors were taken from Africa in the slave trade and sold here in America.I'm not denying my culture by saying I'm not African American. I'm embracing myself and my culture... by declaring that I'm a proud American, who is also black."
I am both black and American, and I wear both with dignity, honor, and pride.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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