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Why Black Women Aren't Allowed To Be Socially Anxious
A few years ago, I had dinner with my family, and some extended friends were invited. We had a great evening, and at the end of the night, someone at the table who has known me since I was a child said to me, "This is the most I've heard you speak since I met you." My response was, "When I'm with my family, I'm quite chatty." I think that was her way of saying I was much more social in this environment than she'd ever seen me at other events, and I understand why.
I've been a shy girl almost my entire life. Many people who know me intimately now as an adult would probably be shocked to hear this, but I was such a reserved kid growing up. I hated public speaking. I cried from nervousness after my first solo in church, and I was either extremely comfortable in settings or I’d shut down. As I got older, I realized that it wasn't just me being naturally shy or reserved; in some settings, my inability to feel comfortable was due to social anxiety.
@raquelmartinphd #anxiety #blackgirltiktok #tipsandtricks #drmartinhere
According to The National Institute of Mental Health, social anxiety disorder is a common type of anxiety disorder. A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating, being on a job interview, answering a question in class, or having to talk to a cashier in a store.
Doing everyday things, such as eating or drinking in front of others or using a public restroom, may also cause anxiety or fear due to concerns about being humiliated, judged, and rejected.
@itslerap Don’t feel alone in your struggles.. it’s more common than you think🥹 #fyp #foryou #socialanxiety #socialanxietytips #socialanxietyawareness #mentalhealth #blackgirlmentalhealth #allerapadgettandco #PostitAffirmations
How Social Anxiety Symptoms Can Show Up
- Blushing, sweating, or trembling;
- Having a rapid heart rate;
- Feeling their "mind going blank," or feeling sick to their stomach;
- Having a rigid body posture, or speaking with an overly soft voice;
- Finding it difficult to make eye contact, be around people they don't know, or talk to people in social situations, even when they want to;
- Feeling self-consciousness or fear that people will judge them negatively;
- Avoiding places where there are other people.
What Can Cause Social Anxiety Disorder
@ohmylawdthecableturnedff Like girl, leave me alone, I have social anxiety 😂
The risk for social anxiety disorder may run in families, but there isn't a specific reason to prove why some family members can experience symptoms of the disorder and others don't. Research has found that several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxiety and that genetics influences how these areas function in tandem with stress and environment and how that plays a role in social anxiety.
As a kid, I often had many girls assume that I was stuck up, and it made me wonder for years if something was wrong with me. I found myself many times and even still now wondering how this woman who loves to be social in certain environments can, in others, clam up and not feel comfortable. Without having the language for my anxiety, I was labeled by many girls as "stuck up" or "the girl who thought I was better."
There are many layers to why that was the assumption, one being a suburban Black girl who was well dressed, so comments were quickly made if I wasn’t a social butterfly like “You think you better because you got on xyx, etc.”
It made it extremely difficult to be social in certain settings, and it wasn't until I got older and found community on social media with other girls who experienced social anxiety that I realized I wasn't stuck up or an introvert (as testing confirmed I was actually an ambivert), I was socially anxious. This realization made me feel comforted and helped me understand that as an entrepreneur and creative, I did have to network, but I could go about it in a way that made me feel comfortable.
I could research who would be in the room, practice my greetings, bring a friend to an event with me when I could, and overall remind myself that that shy little girl doesn't have to speak louder than the woman I am now. This realization and developing coping skills made me wonder why Black women aren't allowed to be socially anxious. Why do we always have to show up as the life of the party or ready to be the center of attention?
"There are many stereotypical biases that we have to go up against or manage, so we're taught that we don't have the room to be quiet or perceived as standoffish," licensed psychologist Dr. Shaakira Haywood Stewart explains. "There's this stigma and pressure to have to show up as a Black woman in the space. We don't have the right to be, sort of like the quiet, shy white girl in the back room. Like no, we have to go above and beyond. And there's a lot of pressure to have to do that in a lot of different spaces, and I can see how a lot of Black girls and women feel relieved when they find that they aren't alone in that feeling.
"There are many stereotypical biases that we have to go up against or manage, so we're taught that we don't have the room to be quiet or perceived as standoffish. There's this stigma and pressure to have to show up as a Black woman in the space."
"Even in our families and communities, there can often be a lot of pressure, even where you find a Black parent saying to a shy child, 'You better speak up,' and that creates a lot of anxiety. Parents are a bit more conscious now, not raising their children to believe they don't have room to be quiet or shy. Many of us weren't raised to have room to be shy; much of how we were socialized [were] with things such as speaking when spoken to, like when you were in the room, making eye contact as it pertains to socialization relationships."
How Social Anxiety Can Show Up in Black Women
The quiet Black woman who is socially anxious can easily get mistaken for being stuck up, "bougie," or even mean. "With my clients who are Black women that experience social anxiety, they're met with comments like 'Your face looks mean' or 'When I met you I thought you were mean but once I got to know you I realized you were nice,'" Dr. Shaakira Haywood Stewart says. "That sort of narrative happens a lot, especially in the workplace, which also contributes to how they're viewed in the workplace and where it can be assumed that they're not really a team player."
In addition to this perception having a negative impact on Black women in their work environment, this extends to how they are viewed in friendships and other forms of socialization. "You can receive comments like, 'Why are you so quiet? Why are you so standoffish? Why are you so bougie acting?'" she adds. "It really does create a barrier socially and even romantically.”
How Can Black Women and Girls Overcome Social Anxiety
In order to overcome social anxiety, Dr. Shaakira Haywood Stewart says that you must first understand what's happening to you in social settings. Understand that the anxiety you feel is a result of your nervous system becoming heightened when you're in large groups of people, at parties, etc. She also suggests therapy in order to find better coping skills to navigate certain situations as well as how to limit your social battery and situations with ease, although she notes that it might not be necessary in every case.
"If you're a Black woman dealing with anxiety, I see you, and I understand. Don't pick apart the anxiousness that you feel when you walk into rooms and instead focus on what you can control. How you look, your greeting, who you connect with, and how long you stay. Give yourself grace as you navigate social settings, and if you're someone who has passed judgment or assumed that someone was stuck up, ask yourself if they had an attitude or if it was anxiety. Extend kindness, and if you see a shy person, don't be afraid to speak first; it might just make their day and help them open up."
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Dubbed one of the "21 Black Women Wellness Influencers You Should Follow" by Black + Well, Yasmine Jameelah continues to leave her digital footprint across platforms ranging from Forever 21 Plus, Vaseline, and R29 Unbothered discussing all things healing and body positivity. As a journalist, her writing can be found on sites such as Blavity, Blacklove.com, and xoNecole. Jameelah is also known for her work shattering unconventional stigmas surrounding wellness through her various mediums, including her company Transparent Black Girl. Find Yasmine @YasmineJameelah across all platforms.
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
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Shaunie Henderson On Being A Nontraditional Pastor Wife
Shaunie Henderson, the creator and executive producer of Basketball Wives, redefines traditional expectations as a pastor's spouse and first lady of The Lighthouse Church.
The star's journey began with a whirlwind romance with Pastor Keion Henderson in 2020, which led to their marriage years later. Since then, Shaunie has embraced many typical first lady roles, including supporting her husband, engaging in ministry responsibilities, providing spiritual leadership, and conducting community outreach.
Yet, the 49-year-old's background sets her apart from other first ladies. Shaunie brings a unique perspective as a public figure, which stems from her previous marriage to NBA star Shaquille O'Neal and her experience in reality television.
In an interview with xoNecole, while promoting her memoir Undefeated, the Basketball Wives creator discussed what being a first lady means to her and how she has lived her life non-traditionally.
When asked if she had always been nontraditional, Shaunie revealed that throughout her life, she has made it her mission to better herself by learning from experiences and breaking harmful cycles.
Shaunie Henderson and Pastor Keion Henderson
Photo by Robin L Marshall/Getty Images
“I think that's just who I am. I can’t say I intentionally go against the grain. In the book, I talk about things from my childhood, like my dad being late all the time. I was totally opposite with my kids when they were in school. I was always there early. My mother is not affectionate, and she doesn't verbally say, ‘I love you,’ but she does things to let you know. That's the way she shows her love,” she said when describing her relationship with her parents.
“But because I missed that 'I love you' and hugging and kissing, I do that with my kids. I try to always give what I needed myself. There were basketball wives who weren’t very nice to me, so I went out of my way to make sure that once I was a wife that I didn't treat anybody else like that. No one was going to feel like that on my watch.”
Toward the end of the conversation, when discussing her first lady responsibilities and the pressures of upholding that image, the mother of five explained she isn't too hard on herself to fit the mold, given her significantly different background from most first ladies and her relatively new role.
“As far as being first lady, now, I'm not knocking how any first ladies decide to operate but I just knew that the idea of what that usually is was not me. And, to be honest, rightfully so. I'm probably the only first lady that created a reality show that has been on television since 2010. My life is not remotely close to that of most first ladies. We've experienced completely different things. Most of them have been pastor’s wives for a long time, this is all new for me. I come with an entirely different journey; that wouldn’t lend itself to being a traditional first lady,” she stated.
Shaunie's nontraditional approach appears to work in her favor, as she has been welcomed with open arms just as she is.
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