As a single woman of a certain age, I feel like I've often been unprepared when someone would ask me the question, "Why are you still single?" I didn't mind as much in my 20s because my single status was mostly due to circumstances where I initiated a breakup. But around 30, it started to become a nuisance of having to "explain" myself. Instead of giving in to my natural reaction of going on the defense or feeling personally attacked, I wanted to explore why the question of "Why are you still single?" is triggering because of the negative connotations that are implied.
Luckily, I've provided 20 responses including ways to redirect the conversation or turn it into a teachable moment to show why some people actually choose to remain single.
20 Ways To Respond To "Why Are You Still Single?"
1."Am I not allowed to be single?"
This response can be tricky so it's all about presentation. This could come off as defensive and that's the last thing you want to do, so tread lightly. Then again, depending on who's asking, you may want to throw off this vibe so they'll think before asking anyone else.
2."Because I enjoy the peace of mind of being solo right now."
If you haven't met someone who complements your life in a way that makes it better to not be single, that's totally fine. Between dating men with too much baggage or not wanting to commit, I once experienced burnout to the point where I decided it was best for me to be by myself for a while. My advice is to stay single until you find someone who makes being in a relationship worthwhile. After all, staying single and standing your ground is something to be commended, not shamed for.
3."I don’t know. I guess I'm overqualified."
Because sometimes a ridiculous question warrants a cute and ridiculous answer.
4."What makes you think I’m single?"
That's it. Keep them guessing because they shouldn't be in your business, anyway.
5."I’ve never really thought about it. Why? Are you still married?"
Diverting the conversation is a classic tool you can use to evade personal questions.
6."Because not everybody can handle me."
You're telling the truth, after all. Being fabulous comes at a cost.
7."Oh, I’m not single. I’m in a love affair with…"
Myself, food, my career, etc.This is a witty response with a bit of a curveball. Why not play into this uncomfortable conversation with a laugh.
8."That’s kind of personal. Would you like to tell me about your relationship?"
This answer is the perfect response to let someone know how invasive their question is. It's also an opportunity to redirect the conversation, whether you pivot to talking about your new business venture or turning the discussion back to them.
9."A relationship is not a priority for me right now (but if that changes, I’ll be sure to let you know)."
OK, so you don't have to add that last part unless you're feeling extra snappy, but there's nothing wrong with letting someone know that other things are more pressing in your life at the moment. It also gives you a chance to talk about all the great things you are currently doing.
10."I’m simply not interested in dating."
That's not to say your feelings won't change at some point, but right now, you may be more focused on a project at work, going back to school, or working on bettering yourself. If a relationship is not on your radar at the moment, that's OK.
11."What do you mean by 'still' single?"
Challenge them to elaborate on what they mean. It's one thing to ask if you're single, but when the word "still" is added, it implies that there is a timeframe that you've exceeded and that for some reason you shouldn't "still" be single.
12."I just am."
Shrug and offer no more information. Period.
13."Why do you ask?"
Probe them to find out why they're inquiring about your relationship status. Are they asking to be shady or do they know someone who would be a good fit for you? Perhaps they're genuinely interested to see why someone as fabulous as you is still on the market. If they want to ask questions, throw one back at them and see where the conversation leads.
14."Because, apparently, I’m really good at it."
Sometimes it's good to make light of a situation and laugh at yourself.
15."Currently, I’m looking for a significant income, not a significant other."
Who can be mad at a career-focused response? Perhaps you're more motivated by financial stability than a romantic partner. Maybe you're more interested in getting your degree or starting a business. These are things to be applauded, not appalled.
16."That’s not a bad thing, is it?"
Again, this is for clarification. If you can get an understanding of why the person is asking, then it may not be so triggering. For example, they may think you're such a catch and may genuinely be curious about your decision to be single.
17."Because I haven’t found anyone who adds value to my life."
You don't want to be in a relationship simply for the sake of being in a relationship and until someone comes along who makes your life better, then it's perfectly fine to stick to your guns.
18."You know, when the time is right and when I’m ready to be in a relationship, I have no doubt that my person will show up."
This great answer conveys that you are happy with your life just the way it is and optimistic about what it may hold in the future.
19."Single is the new 20."
Can you imagine getting a re-do of your 20s with all the knowledge of having lived through them? Of course, you can't get that time back, but being single at a certain age can be a chance to avoid some major pitfalls.
20."You know, I really like to keep my relationship details private. I hope you understand."
This sets a clear boundary for what you're willing to discuss and what's off-limits. And it rolls off the tongue easily with a smile. #Respectfully.
Be honest. If you're enjoying this time to focus on yourself, dating multiple people, or spending more time doing things you enjoy doing, then just say that. Maybe your last relationship gave you an opportunity to discover past traumas that you needed to heal from. Stand in your truth and embrace your decision to be single.
Featured image by svetikd/Getty Images
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Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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According To Science, Being 'Dickmatized' Is A Very Real Thing, Y'all.
I don’t know if it’s because there’s something in the water or what, but if there’s one question that I’ve been asked over and over again this year, it’s if there truly is such a thing as being dickmatized. Now, I don’t mean if the actual concept exists because we all know that if something shows up in theUrban Dictionary (half kidding/half serious), it must be real — and, according to it, being dickmatized is “when the d-ck is so good [that] you become utterly hypnotized by the guy that gave it to you.”
Since a hypnotic state is literally about the ability “to influence, control, or direct completely, as by personal charm, words, or domination,” — I guess that, technically, this article could end here. However, if you’ve been reading my content for a while, you already know that I’m going to unpack this way beyond the surface.
Because, if you genuinely are in, let’s call it, a “semi-complex sexual situation” (or is it an addiction?) with a guy right now that has you thinking his eggplant is damn near taking over your bedroom and 75.97 percent of its surrounding areas, we need to figure out how it got to that point and how you can set yourself free — or at least how you can keep things under control (if that is indeed what you want to do).
If you’re ready to choose to accept that mission, let’s look into what being dickmatized is truly all about.
What Does It Really Mean to Be Dickmatized?
Personally, whenever I think of the word “dickmatize,” the first thing that comes to my mind is the movie Love Jones. If you’re a real one, you already know the scene that I am referring to. It’s when Nina was riding in the taxi (you know, the Lyft before Lyft) with her BFF Josie as she was explaining how her first date turned into her first time having sex with Darius. Y’all know what that woman said: “It was like his d-ck just…spoke to me.”
Now that’s fiction (even if it’s good fiction), so to bring some reality and validity to her point, I decided to do some investigating. First, starting with myself. As I reflected on my past sex partners, I mean, if we’re going to be word-literal, there are some penises that were prettier and “easier to receive” (read between the several different lines there, chile) than others.
I’ve also had enough of them in my lifetime that I really want y’all to get over the shoe myth or the assumption that the taller a man is, the bigger things for him can be (NOT TRUE; penis size has to do with genetics more than anything). While you’re at it, please also ditch the “a big one is the only way that I’ll be pleased.” It can’t be said enough that vaginas are about 4” long, and they have to stretch to accommodate beyond that.
Meaning, find a man who wants to please you, regardless of size, and you’ll be good; there’s no need to learn this the — no pun intended — hard way.
Okay, but back to the point: If dickmatized is another word for sexmatized, then yes, I’ve been there. Definitely three partners, off the rip, get a standing ovation in my eyes, yet it wasn’t just because of their member; our chemistry was off-the-charts, the foreplay was on-point, the oral sex was bananas, and yes, they made it their priority and goal to make sure that I orgasmed. Salute to them. And has this winning combo ever caused me to lose my mind? I mean, if by that you mean that I mistook great sex for a healthy relationship — sure.
However, I think that being dickmatized goes a bit — again, pardon the pun — deeper than that.
That’s why I asked some of my friends and clients if they thought that they’d been dickmatized before. No joke, one woman got a glazed look in her eyes and simply nodded “yes.” LOL. When I asked her to expound, she shared that she once had a partner who she had very little in common with, and yet, they kept having sex for years on end, and it was literally because she was consumed with and by his skin, lips, and penis: “No matter how much we didn’t connect on the mental tip, if he let me see that thang, I was butter.”
Another woman said that she actually cheats to this day (check out “I Talked To Some Women About Why They Cheat. Here's What They Said.” and “Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That’s You.”) with her dickmatizer. According to her, she loves her man, but he will never top the sex that she has with the other guy. Chile…CHILE.
Then, I hopped onto YouTube to see what it had to say on the topic. A little over seven-minute video entitled, "Signs That You Are Dickmatized” featured a woman who said that a telling sign that you are, indeed, dickmatized is if you are in denial about it because if he is say, married or has a billion kids or is unemployed and yet you find a way to rationalize being or staying with him, it must be because his d-ck has you caught up.
Or if you’re sitting in church (or wherever) and all that you can think about is “him” or what happens when you’re with him, sexually, that’s another surefire indicator that you are probably dickmatized. Hmph, as far as social media goes, if you’re on pretty much any platform and you put “sneaky link” in the search field (or you hashtag it)…I’ll put it to you this way — how could sneaky links not be the result of some serious dickmatizing on some level because, at the end of the day, you’re sneaking around to have sex and not much else— and oftentimes you’re taking some fascinating risks in order to do it.
Yeah, it really does seem like a case for being dickmatized is only getting stronger. Okay, but so far, all that I’ve talked about are opinions. Is there anything that science says to back that being dickmatized is rooted in some actual facts?
Science Can Actually Explain How “Good D” Can Turn You Out
GiphyLet’s start with an article that I read on a health-related site that asked if men or women experience more pleasure during sex. What it basically said was since men orgasm 90 percent of the time and women only do 50 percent of the time, men get the upper hand in that department. Okay, so if what the research is saying here is that your partner being able to “get you there” constitutes as the ultimate pleasurable (sex) experience, then the guys who have helped you to cum — extra brownie points if it’s vaginally because that’s harder for many women to achieve — would put you on the path to being dickmatized.
Let’s keep going.
Another article that I checked out contained some pretty solid research regarding what happens to the brain whenever there is penile stimulation. Long story short, it increases blow flood to the part of your brain that is designed to regulate emotion. Then, if you happen to have an orgasm while all of this penetration is going on, it will amplify the part of your brain that plays a role in your decision-making process (bookmark that).
Then there are all of the hormones that are able to rush through your system during sex. Prolactin helps to regulate stress; dopamine cultivates feelings of pleasure and motivation; I can’t tell you how many times I have said in a sex-related article that oxytocin literally bonds you to your sex partners (and it can cause you to feel like you can trust the person who you are sleeping with), and endorphins literally mimic the feeling of a morphine hit.
That morphine point is a real doozy. Why? Because morphine helps to take pain away, and endorphins naturally do the same thing. Oh, and I can’t let vasopressin slide. It also likes to make its presence known during copulation and here’s the thing about it: it literally makes it difficult for your brain to distinguish the difference between what is right and what is wrong (uh-oh).
So, think about it: If there’s a guy who takes you to peaks of pleasure that others can’t, then every time he enters you, he gets all into your feelings and alters the decisions you make, and even if you know that either he’s no good for you or things are never really going to go anywhere, sex with him (temporarily) removes feelings of discomfort and makes it hard for you to know what’s actually right for you…and then you keep messing with him over and over…and over again — do you see how this is the perfect (once more, pardon the pun) cocktail for being, well, dickmatized?
Add to this one of my favorite “Wow, I had no clue” random information websites, Cracked. It features an article entitled, "5 Bad Sexual Decisions (And Why We Make Them).” In it, it shares studies that state that the folks go back to “ex-sex” because they are in denial that things are over. Not only that, but a lot of women will have unprotected sex with men solely based on their level of attraction to him (and thinking that if he looks good, the risk of STIs will go down — SMDH). Hmph.
When it comes to that second point, I also think that some women believe that raw sex makes them feel special when, honestly, men who will “wrap it up” to protect your health and prevent unwanted pregnancies are who actually care about you. #pleaseletthatmarinate
Oh, and while some articles out here profess that good sex can “make you fall in love” (insert eye roll here), I have way too much respect for love to jump on that bandwagon. What I will say is if you’re not a constant student of learning the differences between infatuation, lust, love, and being in love, good sex can certainly mimic it (y’all be careful out here).
Bottom line, it looks like science has indeed provided us with enough data to support the fact that even if it didn’t come up with the word “dickmatize,” if you feel like good D has consumed you at some point in your life, it’s probably not all up in your head. Some sho’nuf body changes helped to make it a reality for you.
3 Signs It’s His…You Know and Not Really Him. One (Main) Thing to Do About It.
Sis, if you read all of this and then said, “Seeeee…it’s not my fault that I’m in a cul-de-sac sexual situation. It’s science” — yeah, let’s not play those games because, if dickmatizing pretty much only happens from having sex then you already know what can un-dickmatize you, right? RIGHT?! Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Again, because the feelings that come from mind-blowing coitus can cause things to get a little tricky from time to time, how can you really know if you’re dickmatized — or not?
1. All you really have in common with him is sex. Listen, liking the same movies or DoorDash take-out does not make a solid relationship. If you know for a fact that if you took away the sex, there wouldn’t be much left to go on, then that is a great indicator that you are a victim of dickmatization. The dangerous thing about this particular point is time is something that you can’t ever get back, so is it worth it to have mind-numbing sex if you really want a relationship? Only you know that, my dear. Do be honest with yourself, though.
2. Your vagina and your common sense are always in debates (and your vagina is usually losing). It’s actually pretty natural to want to do things that make us feel good. The problem lies whenever you try to abandon all truth, facts, and logic in order to try and justify whatever that “pleasure source” may be. That said, it was actually a business website that provided some great points about how to know if you lack common sense in some area (even if you are an educated individual): you underestimate risks; you overcomplicate solutions; you misjudge time; you overanalyze simple situations (if it’s just sex, don’t make it more than that), and you pretty much suck at reading social cues (like, he may be having sex with you but that doesn’t mean you’re his only partner and/or that he has any future plans beyond sex for/with you).
3. You are lowering your standards. Look, some folks like to be dickmatized. That’s all they are really looking for and so, for them, for now, life is good. However, if you’re sticking around for the penis, all the while believing that you and “that guy” are going to turn into a 2.0 version of Darius and Nina — IT WAS A MOVIE. And sis, if you want a relationship, don’t deceive yourself into thinking that good sex will (automatically) turn into that.
Listen, although casual sex can be a lot of fun, I say often that casual means that something has no real aim or purpose, so if you want a relationship and you’re in a purposeless dynamic — you are lowering your standards, and that is, let’s go with, highly unfortunate.
____
Okay, so as I’m about to wind all of this down, look at the feature pic again. Like really look at her. If the first thing that you noticed is she looks a lot like Denise Huxtable after she married Lt. Martin Kendall (the real ones know), I would agree. If the second thought that came to mind is, “Damn, are they a real couple because her stare is hella intense?” — that’s why I picked it. She is the epitome of what being dickmatized can look like.
And since I shared so many ways that sex can lead to dickmatization, well, if you want to get out of its clutches, you already know what you need to do. If his d-ck has you trippin’ (insert Total’s “Trippin’” right here), staying away from it — detoxing, if you will — is how to get on the road to logic, common sense, and genuine freedom.
Really, and totally wanting to do that? Yeah, that’s another matter entirely. For now, I will conclude with some pearls of wisdom from a client, though: “Girrrl, it took me a good six months to not act like I was coming off of a drug. But after I went cold turkey [insert Anthony David’s song about that here], I realized that all I was getting was good sex. I wanted more. Women can have both. They just have to choose it.”
YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND SEX. YOU. JUST. HAVE. TO. CHOOSE IT.
If you’re currently and certifiably dickmatized right now, which way you leaning? Into the consequences of sex and science or the decision to get all of you want and not just — a piece of it (the puns keep on coming)?
Being dickmatized can be euphoric and also stagnating AF.
Please read this over again…and then choose wisely. Very.
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