Climbing up switchbacks and taking hair-pin turns way too quickly and listening to The Beatles' White Album. It's nurturing someone who is running from their demons--holding them on the side of the road while you huddle under a blanket and look at the stars on the edge of a mountain lake, and concurring the darkness and greeting the morning sun while inhaling your victory into burning lungs and gazing into sleepy eyes that radiate relief that the night is over, only to take a new adventure the next night to divert the memories again.
I fell in love with a boy who was officially diagnosed with extreme bipolar disorder, but it took two years to get a diagnosis. We were both 19, young, selfish, and ignorant to the details of mental illness. There were numerous nights when I would get a phone call and the only sound on the other line would be heavy breathing and a shaky, "Help...me." I would instantly jump out of bed and drive to his apartment and find him in a puddle of puke and reeking of alcohol. I would clean him up and put him to bed and pray that he would be "better" in the morning.
I continuously told myself that I could fix him. My touch would erase the dark circles that formed under his eyes from the impossibly long nights that he couldn't sleep. If I held him long enough his anxious, tight, wiry muscles would relax. If we partied and had fun we could be a normal couple like the rest of our friends. We could laugh and drink and be silly, not everything had to be so dark and dramatic. I did not understand that when he was on a manic high that it was not his "normal" self. The extreme happiness would not last and inevitably the other ball of fear and anxiety would swing and the Newton's Cradle that was his personality would slam back down again. The constant swing of emmotion was torturing him. I was in a perpetual state of fear that he would die and I was frustrated because I knew that I was not helping him.
He was constantly self-medicating. He drank... a lot. He cheated on me multiple times. Our relationship was crushing me and I was already working and attending school full time. During the year and a half we were together he ran away more times than I can count, stopping all contact completely. His illness was causing me to have severe anxiety and there were days when I desperately wanted to ignore him, leave him, and forget about him. But then he would call and I would criticize myself for being so selfish. I could never voice my worst fear out loud, especially to him:
What if I'm not there and he dies...
He was finally brought to a rehabilitation center where he was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The words schizophrenia, manic, and depressed, were tossed around like common cold and a possible ear infection. The smell of bleach and ammonia was such a sterile contradiction to the moldy, dusty appearance of the neglected building. There were cracks on the tiled floor and an eerie silence that trailed behind my reluctant footsteps as I followed a nurse to see him. I walked into a florescent cafeteria and to tell you the truth, I don't remember a single word we said. I know, I'm sorry for the let down, but I honestly can't think of what we said to each other. I remember him being very sedative and his eyes were incredibly sad. I distinctly remember going home and eating some banana cream pie only to expel it into the toilet 15 minutes later. I still can't eat banana cream pie.
Shortly after, I went off to Western Washington University to finish my four year degree. He went through more rehabilitation. We began to drift apart. I went to visit him at one more facility that was much nicer than the last. I didn't know how to tell him that I had found someone else. We weren't together, but I still felt heavy with a guilty heart that I was moving on. I made the incredibly cruel and stupid decision to tell him the day he was sent home that I was dropping out of our relationship. I will never forget the sound of his voice when he whispered in an exhausted tone, "Why would you tell me that today, the day I get to go home?" I selfishly decided that day that I was done; I wanted to leave our relationship in the past. I was bailing hard because I wanted to enjoy my two years of university life.
We have hardly spoken since that final goodbye where we literally hung up the phone and ended the conversation of "us." From our brief interactions following our breakup, and the gossip mill of Facebook, it sounds like he is doing incredibly well for himself. He went back to school and we now share the same alma mater. Without my help or influence he picked himself up and made a new life. In my vanity I thought it was me that was holding him together when ultimately he was always in control of his own life and didn't need me backseat-driving for him. His battle ultimately had to be fought with the aid of professionals and a loving family.
He has a new shotgun partner now. When I think of them driving through life together I feel a surge of emotion that hurls itself through the timeline of "us". I fiercely want her to be the one for him. I want her to stand strong where I crumbled under the weight of his illness. I won't ever get a chance to tell him that I am proud of him. Even though we shared soul-wrenching truths about ourselves, there is the ever present barrier that holds steady when lovers decide to take different directions. After speeding through the dark tunnel of time that was “us" and the discovery of illness, I hope he basks in the light on the other side.
Have you ever dated someone with a mental illness? Share your story below.
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Sherri recognized a need in her community and decided to act on it. Today, she is not only a thriving entrepreneur but also a published author, business coach, and motivational speaker.
Additionally, her daughter is following in her entrepreneurial footsteps. Together, they are the dynamic duo behind the Offices at Dogwood Park. Within this building, Sherri and Janaya operate their Success Suite, offering cost-effective conference rooms and business suites for emerging entrepreneurs.
Janaya also runs her own business, Belle Lux Day Spa, which occupies a quarter of the building and exemplifies the family's entrepreneurial spirit.
Sherri J’s journey was far from easy, and throughout this process, she’s learned a great deal about the childcare industry, money management, and the power of determination. She shared a bit of her journey with us in today's Money Talks.
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On how she got started:
"Well, I fell pregnant very early in life, at 14 years old. That's what molded me and the rest of my life. I had to learn responsibility very, very early. I had to be a mother all while balancing being a teenager, trying to find and learn myself. Having that type of responsibility at such an early age gave me a quicker start at life.
"Anyway, my daughter's father’s side of the family was into childcare. I had to work for them to kind of earn my keep and to take care of this new child that I had sprung on everybody. So in working for her father's side of the family, I learned the childcare industry – really unbeknownst to me. I was kind of being molded into being the person that I am today. Then I decided I wanted to step out on faith and try to open my own childcare center; I did that by 24. Long story short, that's what got me to where I am today."
On her initial relationship with money:
"I didn't have the option or experience to be good with money. I didn't know anything about it. My mom was just the average everyday working woman trying to make ends meet. I didn't know what a wealthy lifestyle was. I didn't know what having money looked or felt like. I think I got my first understanding of it when I met his family and saw what they had. That's when I knew we didn't have money."
On stepping out on her own:
"I was very scared because, at this time, I was working as an executive assistant to the principal for [the] Atlanta Public School System. So I was making maybe $35,000 in my early twenties. I had always been in corporate America. I worked for Wachovia Bank (Wells Fargo) and H&R Block and felt like I had gotten a good job at the school system.
"I mean, 16 years ago, $35,000 was a lot of money for a 21-year-old. But I knew that I wanted to always be a resource for my daughter, and even on $35,000, I was barely making ends meet. I had enough to pay my rent, my little car note, and maybe buy some McDonald's here and there."
On using her taxes for startup money:
"When I made the decision to jump into childcare, I had saved three years' worth of tax returns. At the time, I was getting between a $2,500 to $4,000 return. And one year, I just decided not to spend it. Also, I was saving like $100 out of each check. For two years, I ended up with about $5,000 – so that was my startup. I literally just buckled down and decided not to waste the money."
"When I made the decision to jump into childcare, I had saved three years' worth of tax returns. At the time, I was getting between a $2,500 to $4,000 return. And one year, I just decided not to spend it... For two years, I ended up with about $5,000 – so that was my startup. I literally just buckled down and decided not to waste the money."
On her favorite splurges:
"Sadly, I do not splurge. I like cars so when I want a new car, I'm going to get one. But that's not all the time. You know? I really don’t do much for myself. Everything I do is always for other people. My life is really 'complex-simplicity.' But for my 40th birthday last year, I threw a huge party and went to Turkey. That was the beginning of me doing more for myself. Oh, and property! I’m responsible, but I’ll buy a property in a minute."
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On money-lessons she learned the hard way:
"I was never taught budgeting, so I had to figure it out on my own. And honestly, most Black people are counting and spending their money before they get it. So mentally, they know exactly what they do and don't have.
"Childcare is fast money. If you set up shop in the right location, you can go from $0 to $40,000 quickly. And this happened so early on in my business and so fast that I was out having fun, spending all this money, but I wasn't growing the business that I started.
"You gotta think, I went from getting around $1,200 every two weeks to $8,000. But I learned very, very quickly that I couldn't be gone on vacation 24/7 because no one was running or growing the business. And so it wasn't until that $8,000 a week was $2,500 a week, then $1,800 a week, that I realized I didn’t have as many kids to care for!"
"Childcare is fast money. If you set up shop in the right location, you can go from $0 to $40,000 quickly. And this happened so early on in my business and so fast that I was out having fun, spending all this money, but I wasn't growing the business that I started."
On real estate and passive income:
"I'm a licensed Realtor in both Georgia and Florida, and I became licensed in both states because I invest in real estate. I own the buildings for all my childcare centers outright, with no mortgages. I also own the buildings for any business I operate; I don't rent from anyone. My investment portfolio is focused on real estate because it consistently gains value, and you can always generate income from it.
"Whether you choose to start a business or rent it out, real estate offers flexibility. If you need to access funds, real estate allows for that too. I always recommend investing in real estate because it has worked well for me."
On a final, personal money-saving tip:
"I would say, if your business is a heavy cash flow business, meaning you get a lot of cash but also accept credit cards, checks, and etc., save the cash that you do not need. Put that cash in savings, don’t ride around with it. That way you don’t think twice about spending it."
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