

When I Realized I Couldn't Fix His Mental Illness
Climbing up switchbacks and taking hair-pin turns way too quickly and listening to The Beatles' White Album. It's nurturing someone who is running from their demons--holding them on the side of the road while you huddle under a blanket and look at the stars on the edge of a mountain lake, and concurring the darkness and greeting the morning sun while inhaling your victory into burning lungs and gazing into sleepy eyes that radiate relief that the night is over, only to take a new adventure the next night to divert the memories again.
I fell in love with a boy who was officially diagnosed with extreme bipolar disorder, but it took two years to get a diagnosis. We were both 19, young, selfish, and ignorant to the details of mental illness. There were numerous nights when I would get a phone call and the only sound on the other line would be heavy breathing and a shaky, "Help...me." I would instantly jump out of bed and drive to his apartment and find him in a puddle of puke and reeking of alcohol. I would clean him up and put him to bed and pray that he would be "better" in the morning.
I continuously told myself that I could fix him. My touch would erase the dark circles that formed under his eyes from the impossibly long nights that he couldn't sleep. If I held him long enough his anxious, tight, wiry muscles would relax. If we partied and had fun we could be a normal couple like the rest of our friends. We could laugh and drink and be silly, not everything had to be so dark and dramatic. I did not understand that when he was on a manic high that it was not his "normal" self. The extreme happiness would not last and inevitably the other ball of fear and anxiety would swing and the Newton's Cradle that was his personality would slam back down again. The constant swing of emmotion was torturing him. I was in a perpetual state of fear that he would die and I was frustrated because I knew that I was not helping him.
He was constantly self-medicating. He drank... a lot. He cheated on me multiple times. Our relationship was crushing me and I was already working and attending school full time. During the year and a half we were together he ran away more times than I can count, stopping all contact completely. His illness was causing me to have severe anxiety and there were days when I desperately wanted to ignore him, leave him, and forget about him. But then he would call and I would criticize myself for being so selfish. I could never voice my worst fear out loud, especially to him:
What if I'm not there and he dies...
He was finally brought to a rehabilitation center where he was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The words schizophrenia, manic, and depressed, were tossed around like common cold and a possible ear infection. The smell of bleach and ammonia was such a sterile contradiction to the moldy, dusty appearance of the neglected building. There were cracks on the tiled floor and an eerie silence that trailed behind my reluctant footsteps as I followed a nurse to see him. I walked into a florescent cafeteria and to tell you the truth, I don't remember a single word we said. I know, I'm sorry for the let down, but I honestly can't think of what we said to each other. I remember him being very sedative and his eyes were incredibly sad. I distinctly remember going home and eating some banana cream pie only to expel it into the toilet 15 minutes later. I still can't eat banana cream pie.
Shortly after, I went off to Western Washington University to finish my four year degree. He went through more rehabilitation. We began to drift apart. I went to visit him at one more facility that was much nicer than the last. I didn't know how to tell him that I had found someone else. We weren't together, but I still felt heavy with a guilty heart that I was moving on. I made the incredibly cruel and stupid decision to tell him the day he was sent home that I was dropping out of our relationship. I will never forget the sound of his voice when he whispered in an exhausted tone, "Why would you tell me that today, the day I get to go home?" I selfishly decided that day that I was done; I wanted to leave our relationship in the past. I was bailing hard because I wanted to enjoy my two years of university life.
We have hardly spoken since that final goodbye where we literally hung up the phone and ended the conversation of "us." From our brief interactions following our breakup, and the gossip mill of Facebook, it sounds like he is doing incredibly well for himself. He went back to school and we now share the same alma mater. Without my help or influence he picked himself up and made a new life. In my vanity I thought it was me that was holding him together when ultimately he was always in control of his own life and didn't need me backseat-driving for him. His battle ultimately had to be fought with the aid of professionals and a loving family.
He has a new shotgun partner now. When I think of them driving through life together I feel a surge of emotion that hurls itself through the timeline of "us". I fiercely want her to be the one for him. I want her to stand strong where I crumbled under the weight of his illness. I won't ever get a chance to tell him that I am proud of him. Even though we shared soul-wrenching truths about ourselves, there is the ever present barrier that holds steady when lovers decide to take different directions. After speeding through the dark tunnel of time that was “us" and the discovery of illness, I hope he basks in the light on the other side.
Have you ever dated someone with a mental illness? Share your story below.
Exclusive: KJ Smith Talks Viral Wedding With Skyh Black: ‘We Did What We Wanted To Do’
Whether it was your group chat, social media feed, or your favorite media outlet covering the spectacle, I’m pretty sure you’ve come across the viral Black wedding between actress KJ Smith (Sistas, Raising Kanan) and actor Skyh Black (All the Queen’s Men, Sistas). From their grand entrance to Jay-Z, Kayne West, and Beyoncé’s song “Lift Off” to KJ’s standout dance routine and the endless celebrity appearances, it’s an addictive TikTok scroll you can’t help but delve into.
But what many people would be surprised to know is that the couple’s original wedding plan was nothing like what it grew to be. What started as her simply scrolling through posts to get ideas eventually transformed into what the internet knows now as #TheBlackExperience. In an exclusive conversation with xoNecole, KJ walked us through her planning process, the morning of her wedding, and what she thinks of the online response.
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Glass skin is a popular Korean beauty term and trend that has taken over many of our For You Pages on TikTok. However, if you’re unfamiliar with the term, glass skin essentially means skin that is so flawless that it looks like a piece of glass. Many Black women have also taken on the trend and shared their skincare recommendations on how they achieve glass skin. Because a lot of Black women deal with similar skincare struggles, such as hyperpigmentation, xoNecole spoke to dermatologists on how they can, too, obtain immaculate skin that gives the appearance of glass.
K’ept Health is a virtual dermatology clinic that provides affordable virtual visits with board-certified dermatologists and skincare consultations with licensed estheticians, helping women reach their skincare goals. Sheena D. Franklin founded K’ept Health with women of color in mind by ensuring that women receive care from dermatologists who are experienced in treating skin of color and holistic care.
@beingcrystalnicolee Affordable glass skin routine to reduce hyperpigmentation for under $100 | yall asked for a more affordable skin routine & here it is! @Good Molecules cleanser $12 and brightening toner $14 @The Ordinary hyaluronic acid $9, ascorbic acid (form of Vit C) $12, and retinol emulsion $11 @Black Girl Sunscreen moisturizer + spf $16 #affordableskincare #affordableskincareroutine #hyperpigmentation #fyp #hyperpigmentationtips #skincare101 #skincaretips #skincareroutine #skincareproducts
“The number one concern we routinely hear is acne coupled with postinflammatory hyperpigmentation, followed closely by hair loss,” Franklin said.
Franklin, along with her medical advisors, Dr. Chesahna Kindred, MD, MBA FAAD, and Dr. Keira Barr, MD, works to address challenges many women of color face “while centering the experience of Black women.” Below, the K’ept Health team gives us a step-by-step process of achieving glass skin.
PixelCatchers/ Getty Images
Hydration
According to the K’ept Health team, one of the key things that they tell any client they begin working with is hydrate. “When our team of practitioners works with a client, we first stress the importance of prioritizing healthy skin to achieve glass skin. To achieve glass skin, your skin must have proper hydration and moisture.”
Simplicity
Next, they highlight the importance of finding products that work for your skin type and tone, using sun protection, and using no more than one active product in the morning and one active product at night. “People often overwhelm themselves by using too many products at the same time, resulting in unexpected and unwanted skin reactions,” they explained. “Keep your routine simple and focus on ingredients that promote healthy skin and the glass skin look. The most popular skincare ingredients for achieving glass skin are azelaic acid, alpha hydroxy acid (AHA), beta hydroxy acid (BHA), niacinamide, retinoids, squalene, and vitamin A.”
Customization
Lastly, the K’ept Health team recommends seeing a licensed esthetician who can help customize a routine that is best for your skin, health, and lifestyle. “It can take several weeks or months to see a noticeable change in your skin, especially for those who have acne-prone skin, hyperpigmentation, and oily skin,” they explained. “In these cases, your skin may need professional treatments in addition to an at-home skincare regimen. Achieving glass skin requires regimented discipline, but can be achieved with the right regimen and professional guidance."
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Feature image by Delmaine Donson/ Getty Images