How Successful Women Spend Their Weekends
It's no secret that the key to success lies in what we do on the weekends. You could spend it catching up on all things Shondaland or taking steps to get closer to your goal. Trust me, I'm all about balance, but it's how you spend your weekends that can determine when or if you'll accomplish the life that you want.
Related: Ashley Rouse Of Trade St. Jam Co. Shares Her Weekend, Her Way
From brunch to binging Netflix, these ladies have found the trick to having a successful weekend regimen that can make all the difference in the world for the rest of the week. I know I definitely took a few notes.
Jamaya Moore, Professional MUA
Courtesy of Jamaya Moore
As a freelance makeup artist, our busiest days are the weekends. When I first began my career, I would never take time off. It wasn't unusual for me to miss major life events with my family and friends. Now that I'm more established, I block certain weekends off to spend time with my kids, travel and catch up with my friends. We're all super busy so it's great to wind down and chill with my favorite people.
I'm a small business owner and mother of two active girls, so my life moves so fast! I'm always strategizing and planning so it's great to have a moment to turn off my brain. When I put everyone else's needs before my own, I became frustrated and burned out. I was pouring from an empty cup. Now, I'm adamant about having time to recharge even if it's an hour. I'm much happier and balanced once I reclaimed my time!
If I'm off on a Sunday morning, I'll take my youngest daughter to the farmer's market and Sunday dinner at my mom's house is one of our new family traditions, especially after my grandmother passed away in 2017. I need at least a half-day or full weekend day with no plans! My schedule is so taxing that I need time to free my mind. I love unwinding with a glass of wine and a face mask.
Aisha Howard, Atlanta News Anchor
Courtesy of Aisha Howard
The news grind never stops but, on the weekend, I focus more on reconnecting with my loved ones who may only get a quick text or short conversation during the week. I've been rediscovering Atlanta with my college girlfriends; since I'm back in the city after 12 years it feels like a new place. But even while we're out at a group fitness class or a brunch, I still look for opportunities to meet new people and make meaningful connections in the community. I'm always looking for a good news story!
On any given weekend, you can find me at a local charity event just attending or emceeing; church on Sunday and about five FaceTime calls with my mom. And I have to eat something really good, either out discovering a new spot or cooking at home. Because a good surf and turf with a crab cake appetizer is not meant to be eaten out of Tupperware at work at your desk! It's usually on Sunday when I tap into that free-flowing feeling and I relax my always-tense shoulders.
But I have to admit, I still check my email (less frequently) and keep up with what's going on in the news. Still, I never want to be defined by my career and the things that make me uniquely me become my secondary qualities. So I'm very intentional about nurturing my core and acknowledging who and what brings me genuine joy. It took me years to find a digestible balance recipe and I'm always open to tweaking it. Because when I'm true to me, I give my best seven days a week in any environment.
Regina Bonds, Confidence Coach
Courtesy of Regina Bonds
My life requires lots of early mornings and late nights, not to mention I'm a full-time mother to a rising middle schooler. By the time the weekend gets here, I'm screaming TGIF! And because I give 110% during the week, my weekends are both important and sacred to me. I don't take them for granted. I dedicate my weekends to slowing down and enjoying the simple things in life! The two words that describes my main objective for the weekend is SELF-CARE!
My weekends give me fuel for the next week. Because my weekdays are so structured, I allow myself to be more free-flowing on the weekends.
Friday nights normally consist of a nice dinner and a movie. My Saturdays are all about zen vibes and you can typically find me in my sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on. I still get up early, however; it's for activities such as hot yoga, reading a good book, picking up some fresh flowers at the downtown market, and a mani/pedi. One of my highlights of the weekend is brunch followed by an evening of fun with my son at the pool or doing something adventurous. He keeps me on my toes.
Sundays are spent refueling my spirit by going to church. I normally go to church, get lunch with friends and family, then nap. Sundays around 6 P.M., I begin to map out my next week, so I know exactly what I need to accomplish to slay my goals for the week!
Krystal Lee, Radio Personality, Founder of Girl + God
Courtesy of Krystal Lee
Girl, I HAVE to get my rest and try to get my life! Not only am I a radio personality, but I also run Girl + God, Girl + Goals and Krystal Lee LLC, which is all things Krystal Lee. So, for the weekends, I try to recharge and rest. Even though I sometimes work on the weekends with radio or speaking engagements, I try to rest as much as possible.
Ultimately, I love to relax and have peace on the weekend. I delete my social media a lot, mostly on the weekends, so I'm not scrolling and obsessing over other people's lives. I just think we are overly exposed to so much. I use the weekends to read the Bible and watch my favorite sermons. I love this because when I'm recharging and getting my physical rest and trying to make sure I'm geared up and prepared for the week, not only am I journaling and focusing on what lies ahead for me, but I have to make sure I'm filled with the Word and make sure I'm ready for the week.
I try to catch up with my family and friends if I can. But honestly, I can't do without candles, my diffuser, a motivational book to inspire my entrepreneurial side and a bed. As long as I have this, I'm set!
Courtney Martin, Photographer
Courtesy of Courtney Martin
My typical weekend consists of a little sleeping in, family time, a few 'out of the house' activities and church. Saturdays are my "sleep in" days (and when I say that I mean sleep an hour or two past 7 A.M.) Sometimes I just need that extra time to enjoy my soft bed and comfy pillows.
Some must-haves for each weekend are a schedule of events and some really good rest (mental and physical). The weekends can come and go so quickly, so I make sure that I plan out what I want to do ahead of time. Whether it's a few things to do around the house or a time to step out, I try to have a general idea of what I want to do and when I want to do it. My Sundays start pretty early because I go to the 8:45 A.M. church service but this allows me to have ample time afterwards to catch up on my TV shows, do necessary things around the house or enjoy more time with family or friends.
Rest is important because sometimes I find myself missing out on good quality sleep and relaxation time during the week. Rest is not only sleeping but it's also giving my mind and body a chance to slow down, regroup and recoup. This is achieved by doing something that is not too demanding but pleasing, such as curling up in my favorite spot to watch a movie or chilling outside to enjoy some fresh air and a nice breeze. I rest up as much as I can, which helps me have enough energy to do all that I have planned. Plus, it gives me a full tank to run on for the upcoming week!
Samantha Smikle, Founder, NRODA Eyewear
Courtesy of Samantha Smikle
I love the ease of the weekend. It makes me feel like I have all the time in the world and that feeling is everything when I need to sort through business ideas and decisions that I'm conflicted with or creatively blocked about. Being able to take a break in between work mode and grab drinks with friends, go shopping or to some event in the city gives me new energy and a reset that I sometimes need before I get back to business… because for a full-time entrepreneur, business does not stop on the weekend.
Usually with working a 9-5, you get back to yourself as soon as you leave the office or wherever your place of work is. As a full-time entrepreneur who works from home, my work days are round the clock between working from my phone at the gym, at stop lights while driving or even in the bathroom. My self-indulgent, guilt-free quality time with my loved ones (even if it's just binge watching Queen of the South on Netflix) is essential to keeping my cup full.
My weekends are fulfilled when I have plans with friends and family – it's a must.
Most times it's hard to connect during the week with both real and self-imposed deadlines and pressures. Social guilt is real as an entrepreneur, when you know you have a million more things to do and the success of your business is riding on you. But dinners, brunch, happy hours, shopping with friends and family on the weekends is just as critical to my self-care, productivity and sanity as meeting deadlines. It allows me to take a conscious break from the business side of my identity.
Yaadira Brown, Medical Student, Howard University
Courtesy of Yaadira Brown
Now that I am on summer break from medical school, my weekend is typically spent engaging in longer workouts at the gym, working on the logistics and content for a new business venture/platform I will be releasing later this summer, and most importantly, journaling. My journal is where I challenge myself to keep track of all that is happening in my life as well as write out my goals and affirmations.
Along with my journal, every weekend is complete with headphones and a water bottle. They make for a peaceful and productive weekend for me. Writing in my journal is therapeutic and is something that holds me accountable. My music is also therapeutic. Music is a big part of who I am. I do almost everything to music.
Renée Ervin, School Counselor
Courtesy of Renee Ervin
As a school counselor, I give so much of my time and energy to my students during the week that my mind and body crave the time for self. The weekend lends itself to a multitude of opportunities to recharge and prepare for the week ahead. One of the ways that I recharge is to spend time with the ones that I love. I will typically schedule dinner with friends that I haven't seen in a while, stop by a family member's house to check their pulse, or spend some quality time with my significant other. I also enjoy taking random road trips when it's warm and trying new activities that may pop up in the city.
My inner appearance renews weekly as I take the time to worship and praise my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at my church in Indianapolis, IN. My pastor feeds my soul by delivering messages from the Word that only God could have inspired. My church family continuously fills me with joy, as we love one another and work together to uphold our church's motto of living, loving and serving like Jesus. When I am unable to attend church, I find my week is not as fulfilling and know that it is a must-have in order to successfully make it through the week.
Life is too short not to embrace the blessings that God has bestowed upon us all. The weekends, for me, allow me an opportunity to embrace those blessings and allow them to refill me so that I can be a blessing to others. I continue to learn daily that self-care is the first step in being able to be that blessing to others. What better time is there to take care of you than on the weekend?
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
7 Things Successful Women Do Differently Before Bed
5 Women Share Their Secrets To Achieving A Work/Life Balance
7 Morning Habits For Successful Work Weeks
The 19 Books Every Entrepreneur Should Read
Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Organic Modern Meets Midcentury Modern ATL Abode
In xoNecole's series Dope Abodes, we tour the living spaces of millennial women, where they dwell, how they live, and the things they choose to adorn and share their spaces with.
Annisa LiMara has called this space her home for two years. Her Atlanta sanctuary, which she aimed to give the look and feel of something you'd see in the glossy pages of Architectural Digest, embodies her vision of "stunning, yet functional and cozy."
"My home is a reflection of my brand, The Creative Peach Studios, and I am the 'Creative Peach,'" Annisa explains. "It was so easy to reflect who I am and my personal story in my space. When you walk into my home, you know that it is Annisa’s home. I’m so proud of that. So grateful."
On the journey to becoming a homeowner, Annisa looks back on her experience as a "rough one," detailing that she officially started house hunting in March 2020. It had become so expensive to rent, and the 30-something lifestyle influencer decided she would rather invest the money she spent renting into owning a home. However, nine days into house hunting, her search was put on hold for a year. The following year, in 2021, the process of finding the right home and going under contract took a total of four months.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"The resell route didn’t work out, so my realtor suggested a new construction home, which turned out to be the better option," she tells xoNecole of her experience. "Although it requires more patience, it turned out to be a much easier process and a lot easier to maintain since it’s brand new."
As it turns out, the open floor plan three-bedroom two-and-half-bath would prove to be a blank canvas for Annisa to flex her creativity and design skills.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
As a new construction, she watched the townhome get built from the ground up, and due to the "cookie-cutter" nature of new builds, Annisa knew immediately that she would change everything about it. The best part about it? All of her updates were cosmetic, so transformation could occur without having to do major renovations to achieve the look and feel she desired.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"The first things I updated were all the lighting, adding built-ins around my fireplace, and installing wallpaper in my bedroom, office, and dining room! I also had board and batten installed in the upstairs loft to make a statement and the kitchen island," Annisa details.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"Lastly, we painted the loft a soft blush pink, the kitchen island is a gorgeous terracotta, and added contrast with black on the doors, fireplace, and stairwell banisters."
In total, she spent $15K in renovations (plus the cost of furniture and decor). And although she says the second level of her home is a "work-in-progress," two years in, she considers the transformation nearly done.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Annisa defines her decor style as "organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho," and with thoughtfully placed touches like plants, warm tones, and organic textures, her perspective can be felt throughout. "I found my point of view as a designer in my work and as I worked on my home, so it all came together organically based on what I was naturally drawn to."
"The organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho' is definitely my signature style. You’ll always see greenery, warm tones, brass, and rattan or wicker in just about every room. My color story is based on my brand [The Creative Peach Studios] colors: blush pink, ivory, olive and sage green, terracotta, and nudes," she adds.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
It was her brand colors that would be the jumping-off point for her approach to decorating and styling her space. That, and a picture she had of what would become her sofa from Albany Park. She recalled her decor decisions, "It was their olive Park Sectional Sofa, and I knew instantly I wanted it, and it aligned with my brand colors naturally, so it was a no-brainer."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
By drawing inspiration from Pinterest, favorite design brands like CB2, Arhaus, and Souk Bohemian, and through her work, Annisa allowed herself to be guided by her signature style as well as her instincts when making decor and color choices for her own home. "Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason; it just feels right."
Some of the aspects of her home that she regards as her favorites include her bedroom and its little nook where her bed is positioned, the open upstairs loft, and the open concept because "it really allows you to see all of the details I put into the design all at once." Another of her favorite finds is a purchase she copped from the thrift store years ago.
"I have this little brown and gold chair that I picked up for $6 at a thrift store in Jersey six years ago. I couldn’t afford much in my little studio, but the chair was beautiful and unlike anything I had ever seen."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
In addition to accent walls featuring blush pink and terracotta tones throughout the space, her gallery wall is another element that immediately draws the eye of any guest who enters. Annisa recalled a fond memory of a fine art piece she purchased from a Black woman artist when she first moved to Atlanta that she now prominently features in her living room. "It was a Black villager from her travels in Africa, and I fell in love with it because it felt like an ancestor I never met. I later found out that she was the sister of one of my very first design clients two years later," she shares. "Talk about a full-circle moment!"
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Cultivating a space takes time and patience, and that is a sentiment Annisa echoes when advising people who are looking to infuse more of themselves into their own dope abodes through design. "It is not a race, and you’ll spend more money if you rush into designing without really being intentional about the vision for your space," Annisa concludes. "You just need creativity and patience to do it! And most of all, make sure you feel like it’s an oasis for you!"
For more of Annisa, follow her on Instagram @annisalimara.
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Modern Meets Midcentury ATL Home | Dope Abodes
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Featured image by Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
When It Comes To Relationships...Why Is Love NOT Enough?
Charge it to the fact that I am such a fan of music, but whenever I’m out shopping, I tend to pay attention to what stores are playing. And if there’s one song that seems to show up just about everywhere, it’s a light rock classic by Don Henley and Patty Smyth entitled “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.” I promise, even if you don’t know it by the title, you’ve heard it yourself, at least a dozen times in your lifetime — and whether that kind of music is your “scene” or not, the reality is that the words are true.
Even now, in real time, I’m dealing with two clients who love each other very much, and still…they are gearing up to file for divorce. Why? One reason is that, although the love is very strong, the type of love that the husband has for the wife is very different from the kind of love the wife has for her husband (hers is more of a friendship/agape love). Another reason is because, over time, their values have become very different (get someone who complements your life; it makes all of the difference in the world). And still, another is the wife feels that, if she were to stay, she’d be choosing to remain stagnant as an individual because the kind of life he wants isn’t the kind that she desires…anymore.
Because I am super Team Covenant, for me, in many ways and on many levels, it's all tragic. Divorce is indeed like a death. I am a survivor of it from my own parents. I am watching two children who I love very much currently go through it. And as a marriage life coach for over 18 years now, although I’ve been able to help more couples stay together or even reconcile after divorce, my “record” is not spotless. Yet you do live long enough, and you see that, sometimes, no matter how much love is present, if you want to go the very far and beautiful distance of “’til death parts us” on a literal level — you need more than just love to make that happen…no matter how romantic or even idealistic the notion might be.
Let me explain, in a bit more detail, just where I am coming from.
What It Means to Actually Love Someone
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Have you ever thought about what it actually means to love another individual? I promise that if you rely on social media to define it for you, you’re about to be set up for a mighty fall because easily 60-70 percent of the content on there is self-centered, unrealistic, and very feelings-and-nothing-else driven. What I mean by that last point is folks seem to think that love is ONLY a feeling when it is actually so much more than that.
For starters, love is a daily choice. Yep, ask any married couple who has more than a decade under their belt, and they will be quick to tell you that no matter how much they love their partner, sometimes they don’t “feel” like they do, and so they have to push past their feelings and remember that they chose that individual, they made sacred promises in the form of vows to that person, and so they must choose to honor them. THAT IS A FORM OF LOVE.
Know what else love is?
Love is being someone’s strongest support system, greatest advocate, and biggest hype man or woman. That requires a lot of patience, a ton of prayer, and quite a bit of believing in someone because, if they were perfect, why would they need any of that? Yeah, another thing that’s sad about what many people think about love is they expect the person who they say “I love you” to, to be whatever version of love that they conjured up in their mind — and usually that is very idealistic, which is extremely unfair.
Yeah, it’s mighty interesting that if you look to the Good Book for love definitions, things like “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son…” (John 3:16) are what immediately come to mind and yet humans? They don’t wanna wait for nothin’, and they definitely don’t think that they should sacrifice anything. Wild.
Another thing about love is it transforms. Not "changes someone" (some folks think they are supposed to use love to manipulate, and that isn’t love at all) — it transforms them. And that takes time. Contemporary Christian artist Michael W. Smith once said, “Transformation in the world happens when people are healed and start investing in other people.” Transformation plays a role in the healing process. Here’s the thing about that, though: if people didn’t have anything wrong with them, what would they need to heal from? Transformation invests in others; in order to invest, you must give — not just take.
Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti once said, “If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” Transformation is about understanding someone without trying to change them. Unfortunately, far too many people fail miserably at this. And yet, how arrogant is it to be out here thinking that it’s your job to change someone? Who are you to appoint yourself to that? Do you even understand the person who you’re trying to change? Or are you only coming from the angle of who and what you want them to be? That’s not understanding; again, that is manipulation.
To be honest with y’all, I could go on and on about what love is, yet this is an article and not a book. For now, I’ll just say that I think it was important to amplify those three talking points because they are the “angles of love” that oftentimes go overlooked. That’s why I wanted to lay some foundation on what genuine and mature love looks like before getting into why sometimes love is enough because it’s its own pandemic: the amount of people who call what they are in with or towards someone “love” when it's actually…anything (and sometimes everything) but.
Five Things That Should Come with Being in Love
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Okay, so with all of what I just said, you might wonder how you could actually hit the three love points that I shared, and it still not be enough to keep a relationship going — at least, a healthy and purpose-filled one. That’s a really great question. So, because love is so vast…let’s keep building with five things that should be happening, MUTUALLY SO, when two people are actually in love with each other.
1. You’re becoming a better person. There is a Leo Buscalgia quote that I’ve shared before (more than once, actually) that I absolutely adore. It says, “As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” And honestly, the quote says it all. If you think you’re in love with someone, yet you AND they are not becoming better as a direct result of the love experience, something is definitely awry. At the end of the day, if you believe that “God is love” (I John 4:8&16), love should definitely be improving you and him in a myriad of different ways and on a thousand different levels because a spiritual relationship with the Divine does just that. No wiggle room.
2. Your life is moving forward, not back. On the heels of what I just said, love shouldn’t have you out here living in a state of stagnation. Love is to liberate you and make you feel like you can release what is holding you back so that you can run toward what will improve your quality of life. That said, if since you’ve been with “him,” you can’t name three things that have shifted, drastically so, when it comes to how your life is progressing, that is a bit of a red flag as well. Love is to fuel you into newer dimensions, not keep you in hamster wheels of cyclic (and typically counterproductive) patterns.
3. You are receiving peace and being a conduit of peace too. I can’t believe how many people on social media get triggered whenever they hear that someone wants to be with a peaceful and peace-filled individual. What in the world? Peace, in a relationship, is about harmony. Peace is about tranquility. Peace is about being on one accord, having a strong and solid friendship, and feeling calm in another person’s presence. Peace is not turmoil. Peace is not stress. PEACE IS NOT DRAMA. A lot of people out here? They think that because their relationship is passionate or intense that love is present. More times than not, the answer is “no.” As a woman by the name of Mary Helen Doyle once said, “Choose love and peace will follow. Choose peace and love will follow.” If that is not your personal reality with your significant other…you’ve got some serious thinking to do.
4. Your views on love and relationships are maturing. Have you ever known a relationship that is childish? There’s no other way to put it. The two people involved are always trying to one-up each other. When they’re mad, they’ll go days without speaking. You find yourself watching a soap opera online that you didn’t ask for because one or both of them are constantly being passive-aggressive about each other’s mess on their social media pages. Ugh. Remember how I said that peace isn’t drama? Yeah, true love isn’t either. In fact, one of the main things that love does is provide you with a safe space to be held accountable so that you’re able to grow in areas where you wouldn’t have otherwise. If your “love relationship” isn’t maturing you…that’s another flag on the play.
5. Sex is the “icing” not the “cake.” A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.” And yeah, this point? Listen, oxytocin — the natural hormone that bonds you to the people you are physically intimate with — can have you out here thinking that just because a man makes your body feel good that he’s good for your mind and spirit too (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”). In other words, sex can be deceptive, which is why I don’t like the term “make love” (check out “I Absolutely Hate The Phrase 'Make Love.' Here's Why.”). Truly, it can’t be said enough: sex does not MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES a love that is already in place. People who are truly in love know this.
Okay, so this is already quite a bit to think about, right? It’s also essential and relevant because, before you can come to the conclusion that love is not enough to keep your relationship going, you need to make sure that love is what you’re actually experiencing. IS IT?
Now, let’s get into the main reasons why this article has the title that it does.
It’s Damn Near Impossible to Love Someone You Don’t Respect
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I’m pretty sure that, at one point or another, we’ve all heard the saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Y’all, that is absolutely how I feel about providing this kind of content for singles — and to me, “single” is individuals whose tax records say that they are. Because no matter how much you may care about someone, again, ask anyone who’s gone through a divorce, and I’m pretty sure they will tell you that breaking up (no matter how difficult it may be) will spare you a lot more heartbreak than ending a marriage will. And so, with that being said, one reason why love may not be enough to try and stay with someone you are seeing (in a dating or even engaged dynamic) is if you don’t respect them — or they don’t respect you.
Scripturally, when it comes to how wives are to treat their husbands, I always think it’s amazing that women are told, not to prioritize loving their husband but respecting him (Ephesians 5:33). If you go to I Peter 3:2 (AMPC), it defines respect in this fashion: “…to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].” (Did y’all see “prize” in there? I DID.)
Ask any man worth his salt, and he’s gonna tell you, I believe without hesitation, that the way he feels love is by feeling respected. So, when you take all of those words in I Peter into account, do you respect your man? And if you don’t, why don’t you? I promise you, with every ounce of my being, that if you don’t respect him, it’s only a matter of time before your relationship either ends or becomes highly dysfunctional because respect is paramount in a healthy, loving dynamic.
And yes, you deserve to be respected as well.
- When a man respects you, he is honest with you.
- When a man respects you, he values opinions.
- When a man respects you, he honors your boundaries.
- When a man respects you, he doesn’t “hit below the belt” in disagreements.
- When a man respects you, he is careful in how he treats you.
- When a man respects you, he prioritizes you.
- When a man respects you, no kind of abuse transpires (including neglect).
Hmph. When you marinate on all of this, one might say that you can’t be loved without being respected. While on some levels, that’s true — believe you me, I have dialogued with many couples over the years who love each other yet they don’t respect each other’s boundaries or they don’t fight fair. And that’s because one or both of them weren’t taught to prioritize respect.
I will say this, though: even if you do love your partner, if you don’t respect them and/or they don’t respect you, love is not going to be enough. Not to go the distance in a mutually beneficial kind of way, it’s not.
Next point.
LOVING Someone Doesn’t Mean That the Two of You Are COMPATIBLE
Yep, I’m gonna bring some Scripture back into this. Back in the Garden of Eden, when God decided to bless Adam with a helpmate, the Classic Amplified Version of Genesis 2:18 described her to be this: “Now the Lord God said, ‘It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.’” Suitable means “appropriate” and “fitting.” Adapted means being able “to adjust oneself to different conditions, environment, etc.” Complementary means “the quantity or amount that completes anything.” Complete, in this context, speaks to “having all parts or elements; lacking nothing.”
Y’all, there are a couple of men who I loved, but it didn’t work out. I was mad at first — and yet, in hindsight, it was never meant to be. Why? Because I was not the right kind of helper for them, and they were not the right kind of protector and provider for me. There were things about us that didn’t “fit.” There were areas where we weren’t willing to be flexible in order to make the relationship work. When it came to our values, perspectives, and goals, significant things were lacking.
And that’s why I tell couples who come to me prior to marriage that they need to take COMPATIBILITY into serious account before saying “I do.” Compatible literally means “capable of existing or living together in harmony” — and I can’t tell you how many married folks have either been at their entire wit’s end or have ultimately called it quits due to this being such an issue.
It can be what seems like something “minor” at first too. For instance, don’t underestimate if you’re the kind of person who likes a spotless home and your partner’s house isn’t the cleanest. Don’t think it’s not a big deal if you’re an extrovert who likes to go out a lot and your partner seems like he barely even likes people (I know a married couple who have suffered, greatly, over the years because of this). Don’t go into denial if you’re a spontaneous person and your partner is very much “married” to routine.
Some of my male friends? We are very close, and I adore them; they adore me, too. We ain’t ugly either. Yet we are close enough to know and accept that the way we do life as individuals, there is no way we would be harmonious as a couple. Yep, sometimes love isn’t enough because the two of you simply aren’t compatible (or compatible enough) to go the distance.
Being with Someone You Love Isn’t the Ultimate Goal. Being in a Healthy Relationship Is.
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As I wrap this up, one more point. A hill that I will forever and a day die on is far too many people put being happy over being healthy. Hmph, I’ll even take that a step further and say that far too many folks think that it’s someone else’s responsibility to make them happy when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, if you don’t even know how to keep yourself happy all of the time, how the hell is someone else supposed to pull it off? Ridiculous. And you know what? When two people are able to see things from this perspective, when they are able to fully grasp that 1) happiness is about inner work, 2) happiness comes and goes, and 3) being healthy is what should matter more — then they can find another person who feels the same way. And that is a solid foundation to build on.
Definitely, two healthy people get that when it comes to being in a long-term relationship that is thriving and flourishing, having someone to love who loves you back is pretty awesome. However, what keeps the relationship together is ensuring that the dynamic is HEALTHY.
So, am I saying that you can love someone in a very pure and genuine way and the relationship be unhealthy? 1000 percent. I’m not speaking of extreme things like abuse, either. I mean…a word that oftentimes comes up whenever healthy is mentioned is “vigor.” Vigor speaks to strength, power, and ability. And if, by being involved with the person who you love, you are not getting stronger, becoming more powerful, and feeling more capable of becoming your best self as you are doing the same thing for him — there are elements about the relationship that is the opposite of healthy: unhealthy, and that means that love isn’t enough. In fact, you should love each other enough to let each other…go. So, that you both can be joined by those who will support and encourage you to become a more…vigorous individual.
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Whew, this was a lot. I know. It was also necessary. Because it’s time (past time, really) that we stop romanticizing love to the point that we lose sight of what its purpose is: the fuel needed to keep a healthy relationship going. And hopefully now, all of these words later (LOL), you are able to see that certain things have to be in place, outside of love, for things to not only work…but work well.
“Sometimes love just ain’t enough” is both a mouthful and the truth.
Choose wisely, sis. Love yourself enough to do that…please.
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