A Guide To Successfully Sliding In The DMs
Men don't get enough credit for the courage it takes to approach women, especially in a world where we have been known to clown the hell out of them depending on their approach. But as someone who has tried to approach the opposite sex, I can attest to the fact that you tend to say thoughtless or weird shit when you're under the type of anxiety-inducing pressure that comes with making the first move.
However, as we continue to create a new world order — a world that consists of the direct message approach — it's not so uncommon for women to shoot their shot. There's no question that women are shooting their shot, only question is are they setting themselves up for a nice little "oop" or just traveling with zero direction?
Well. Not only did we get some expert-approved tips on sliding in the DMs, and, we even have some stories from ladies who have successfully approached the sex of their choice. And by successful, we mean anything that made it outside of the DMs — from casual sex to sending out wedding announcements.
Shutterstock
If you're anything like me, you may have wondered or even feared that approaching men might be a turn-off. But two things to consider are this: 1) is a man who is turned off the right one for you, and 2) some men might find being approached a relief. Shadeen Francis, licensed sex and relationship therapist points out, "many men worry about unintentionally seeming aggressive or abusive," as they should be.
As I said before, I have grown to have hella respect for the guts men have to have when they are interested and must be the first to pursue a woman. In addition to the pressure to not seem aggressive, Francis makes note of "social pressure put on men to initiate conversation." She expounded, "From the stereotype of the smooth R&B 'excuse me miss' to the confident 'let me holla at you for a second', there is the expectation that men who are interested in someone will know what to say and how to say it. They are taught to 'make' others want them."
By making the first move, "It can feel like a nice change of pace for men to be approached…It takes less vulnerability, and can make them feel desired."
Men have been doing this since the dawn of time, before the comfortability of the DMs. Meaning, there's a lot to be learned from them, because why fix what's broken? Eh. This is not to say the system isn't flawed. However, being a student of life means we're also learning from the failures that are interesting gone bad, i.e. catcalling and street harassment. Francis advised, "Do not assume that just because you are a catch, that others need to be interested or available. If someone does not engage, the response is not to be persistent or to fight for it, but to leave room for the other person to choose whether or not to participate. Only a non-coerced yes is a yes, and as always, no means no."
Now that we've covered consent and amped you up Flava-Flav-style...how do we seductively lace it all together and execute? Well it's actually quite simple — be direct! Far too often, myself and other women swear that men can read minds or receive bat signals. We will do everything except be direct, from liking several pictures or commenting on every Insta story to convey interest. Francis says it's best to be clear. Rather than giving nothing but weird indirect vibes, Francis recommends that you "start your engagement on their page with intention."
Shutterstock
Ask yourself, "What about them is interesting or attractive to you? Maybe you like their thoughtful captions, or the mission of organization they promote, or their calf muscles. Engage (like, comment, interact in the stories) only with the content that demonstrates that, and then follow up in their DMs. Good conversation makes people feel interesting and it gives them something clear to respond to. That could be a question, or a call-to-action."
Francis suggests using the following formula for crafting your message with intention:
- A greeting
Hey, hi there, etc.
- A compliment
You have great calf muscles, you must train a lot
- An invitation
I'd love to know more about you, hit me up if you're down to talk.
In fact, the formula can be found throughout the stories of these 5 ladies who slid in the DMs oh-so-successfully:
1. Kamila
"I was very nervous. He was someone I had seen around in high school and even then we hadn't really spoken besides the passing 'Hi,' so I was worried I would look like a ridiculous stalker. But, besides that I figured what was the worst that could happen? I hadn't ever slid into his or anyone else's DMs before that. I had the hope that if someone wanted to speak to me they would, so to slide in his DMs and take that first step was a ballsy move on my part.
"I started out with something like, 'Hey, I don't know if you remember me from high school, but you are handsome as ever.' To which he said something along the lines of, 'Thank you beautiful, how have you been?' And that conversation lasted for a couple days until he finally asked for my number. It still amazes me to this day that one bold move that I decided to make has led to a thriving, happy, five-year long relationship. This man really is my best friend and if I hadn't mustered up the courage, I could have missed out on my blessing!"
2. Laila
"I was on this HBCU site and they shouted him out for paying off his student loans and I was like, 'WOW, he's kinda cute.' He was tagged, so I went to his page and I was like, 'Oh my God, I think he's cute.' So, I just sent him a message. I don't remember what the message was but we just started flirting back and forth. He was in the DC area, so I told him I'd be home in a few weeks and we set up a date. For our first date, he picked me up from our parents' house and he took me to The Cheesecake Factory and then he took me to smoke hookah and have a drink. I made him wait to have sex with me, maybe one and half, two years and I was so, so disappointed."
Shutterstock
3. Meagan
"When Brian and I first met, I was nervous a bit. Sure, we bonded over tacos (I'm indecisive, so I swooned when he said, 'just get one of everything!') but I was mainly nervous because it felt different to me. When we parted ways, and I came back to LA, all I could think about was seeing him again. He had never dated anyone long-distance and saw it as a challenge. I, on the other hand, had dated long-distance. I also knew if the person was worth it, you'd work for it. Besides, Phoenix and LA are not too far apart.
"I kept sending him DMs, which were pretty dry. The conversation wouldn't carry on far beyond the usual, 'How was your day?' So, in a last attempt, I decided to invite him to Las Vegas for the 4th of July. If there's anywhere that can help you take the edge off and get to know a stranger, while being surrounded by strangers – it's Vegas! I was already going with a couple of my girlfriends, so I asked if he'd like to get some friends and meet us. When we met up, all of our friends left us (not together) and he and I gallivanted all throughout Vegas together. We stayed up so late walking around casinos, laughing and talking that we got brunch the next morning.
"His response to me reaching out was receptive, but in a way he surprised himself as well. He normally wouldn't have gone to Vegas, but he took a chance. After Vegas, we both felt something was there and were curious. I'm very spontaneous, so the next month I invited him to Cabo! He didn't have a passport, so he had to rush to order a passport. He thought it was crazy, but he liked the connection and thrill as much as I did.
"I had never slid into anyone's DMs before and I never made the first move. Typically, if a guy doesn't prove that he is interested, I move on. I stepped out of my comfort zone and followed my heart with him, and I'm beyond glad that I did because I knew something was different about him. Now we have been together for 4.5 years!"
"My mom always says 'closed mouths don't get fed.' So, I'm a strong advocate for going after what you want in life (career, love, personally) ALWAYS! Sliding into someone's DMs can be nerve-wracking, but it can work out, especially if you are clear with what you want (and honest with yourself) and set your intentions.'"
4. Veronica
"Slid in...met them and we went on a date (my treat) that weekend. It felt powerful for me. I knew what I wanted and I went for it. I was a little nervous before he responded -- worried that he would think I was too aggressive, but it worked out--he was flattered that I made the first move. Shortly after, we got into a relationship. It turned out OK. He was great with my son. I wish more women would go for it. The stigma should be gone, and women should be able to go for whatever they want without it being taboo."
Shutterstock
5. Morgan
"Just do it. The worst they can say is 'no'. And most men won't say 'no' if they are available. Shoot, some will still entertain even if they aren't 100% available. I've done it twice. Once many years ago, and the other was about a year ago. The last time worked in my favor, but we aren't talking anymore -- just weren't compatible."
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Shutterstock
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When you think of a Virgo, you think of Beyoncé, Zendaya, Idris Elba, Keke Palmer, and more. You think of the type of celebrities that have made their presence known through their tact, dignity, and work ethic. Individuals who own their skillset, yet also embrace a humble sort of approach to how they choose to express themselves and all they have done and accomplished.
Virgos are the type of people who will dedicate their whole lives to their careers but won’t sacrifice their vision or their personal taste in the process. They are the taskmasters of the zodiac, and the success of this earth sign is not only earned, but it is highly admirable.
Have you ever wondered why Beyoncé seems to do more in 24 hours than the average person? We have all heard the saying, “What Would Beyoncé Do?” when debating on how to move forward with something, and that is because Virgos can see solutions and the time it will take to execute said solution within seconds after presenting them with something. Virgos are the type of people you want on your team or leading the team altogether because they know what it takes to get the job done. In addition to making her mark in the haircare game with CÉCRED, Beyoncé has released three works of art within the past five years, each album its own entity and its own piece of her.
Beyoncé celebrates the launch of her hair care line, CÉCRED, with an intimate gathering.Julian Dakdouk/Parkwood Media/WireImage via Parkwood
Virgos are a mutable sign, once you think you fully understand them, they will do something that keeps you on your toes. Hence, Beyoncé's newest work of art, her country-inspired album, Cowboy Carter, has fully shaken the music industry and changed the way we look at different genres and what is possible for its artists.
If you ask a Virgo what it means to be a Virgo, they’re going to say, “Beyoncé is a Virgo.” They know the weight those words hold and that by saying that alone, you get the full picture of what it means to be a Virgo.
"That Beyoncé, at 42, having worked in the entertainment industry since she was a teenager, is still conquering new charts is a testament to her work ethic, longevity and sheer cultural staying power," @KarenAttiah writes. https://t.co/o9wbBTcdyh
— Washington Post Opinions (@PostOpinions) April 7, 2024
No one is more proud to be a Virgo than Beyoncé, and no other zodiac sign is more proud to share a sign with a celebrity like Beyoncé than other Virgos. Her songs, "Virgo’s Groove," "Spaghetti," "Gift from Virgo," and the classic, "Signs," all showcase Beyoncé's love for the Virgo Maiden.
Virgos own their presence and stand by the work they do because they don’t do anything that doesn’t align with who they are. Virgos are perfectionists, but you can’t help but admire the fact that someone cares enough to want to make something perfect in the first place.
This dedication to their work is commendable, which is often why people look at these Virgo celebrities like Beyoncé in complete awe.
Virgos are so lucky.
— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) July 29, 2022
A Virgo’s mind is like a computer, they are constantly analyzing information, figuring out what serves and what doesn’t, and making sure they have all the details. Virgos pay close attention to everything, and a lot of this has to do with the fact that they are Mercury-ruled as Mercury is their planetary ruler. Being a Mercurian is being someone who is ruled by the mind, and who is constantly receiving and seeking new information and insight. Virgos are organized, pragmatic, hard-working, intelligent, and love to help and be of service to others.
In Astrology, Virgo rules the 6th house which is the area of life that has to do with daily routine, lifestyle, work, health, colleagues, acts of service, and overall wellness. They do everything at 100% and you can see it in the results they bring.
Virgos don’t miss a beat, and you can look at all of Zendaya’s work and runway looks to support that statement.
Zendaya attends the World Premiere of 'Dune: Part Two' in 2024.
Samir Hussein/WireImage
The roles she has played throughout her career have all been vastly different, yet she has excelled in everyone and has created her own space in Hollywood. Virgos take one project and will not only accomplish it but will then look to top it and see how much further they can evolve from there.
Zendaya began her career in acting and has now produced for Euphoria, the Netflix film, Malcolm & Marie, and has goals to step into the director chair one day. This is the progression of Virgo.
Denis Villeneuve and Spielberg talking about Zendaya and how Denis could see her as a director 😊 pic.twitter.com/zPQCA0FUOM
— Justin (@jerstonfilm) March 26, 2024
Following the success of this year'sDune: Part Two, Zendaya’s new movie, The Challengers opens another new door for Zendaya and showcases the wide range this powerhouse is capable of. A Virgo is always trying to do better than who they were yesterday, and people close to them can attest to this.
So many fellow peers and colleagues who work with Zendaya rave about her work ethic and how much dedication she puts into what she does, and that energy translates on screen and to her fan base as well. Virgos are highly involved in everything they do and Zendaya’s press tour looks whenever she is working on a new project highlights that.
Zendaya’s red hair during the Spider-Man press tour, something seemingly so small, had such an impact because of her attention to detail. Or any of Zendaya’s Met Gala looks which always make the top list of best-dressed celebrities. Her attention to detail might even extend to her beauty choices as the starlet even once said toVogue Australia that she preferred to do her own makeup because, "I’m a Virgo and I know what I like."
Zendaya attends the Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala at The Met.
Noam Galai/Getty Images for New York Magazine
Virgos have a way of making efficiency look easy, effortless even. You give them a task, they are going to understand the assignment. These are the type of people who will work enthusiastically with you, and who love to feel like what they do or what they say, can truly have an impact on people. Virgo celebrities showcase this earth sign well, and their high standards translate into quality work. They think through everything, and their professionalism is often what leads them to success in life.
Just know, while you are sleeping, there is a Virgo out there who is working or thinking about their next move, and this is a sign that deserves all her flowers.
Honorable Virgo Celebrity Mentions:Jennifer Hudson, Taraji P. Henson, Tyler Perry, Michael Jackson, Kat Williams, Cassie, Jada Pinkett Smith, Wiz Khalifa, Justine Skye, Jodie Turner-Smith, Sanaa Lathan, Angela Simmons, Ava DuVernay, Ludacris, Nas, Sofia Richie, Metro Boomin, Lil Yachty, Damon Wayans, Dave Chappelle, and more.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Daniele Venturelli/WireImage