Chile, the way that I am writing this article with a particular married couple in mind. I say that because, although they claim it doesn’t bother them that they don’t sleep together these days, I know that can’t be the case. Why am I so certain?
Because although this culture of ours is constantly trying to “dumb down” the importance of intimacy outside of sex, as far as marriage is concerned, I know for a fact that not only sleeping with your partner but going to bed with them at the same time does wonders for things like reducing stress and anxiety, boosting self-esteem levels, making you feel closer to them as well as ultimately helping you both to communicate more effectively as well. And that’s why, whatever I can do to get more couples to stay in bed together all throughout the night (instead of spending countless hours of bedtime quality time apart), that’s exactly what I am going to do.
Today’s suggestion: the Scandinavian sleep method. Although it might initially sound a bit odd, if you’re someone who finds yourself irritated beyond belief when it comes to trying to sleep soundly with your partner every evening, it could be the answer that you’ve been looking for…all this time.
Sleeping Together. For Some, It’s Hella Complicated.
GiphyNow, I guess we’ll have to get into it at another time, the fact that I find it so interesting that when folks are dating, they can figure out how to spoon all night long, and yet when people get married, “all of a sudden,” it’s a problem (kinda like how folks can stay in the mood for sex months at a time while dating and then go months without it in marriage…hmm). And just how much of a problem is it? From what I’ve read, reportedly, 25 percent of couples who are in long-term relationships either sleep in a different bedroom (which is oftentimes referred to as being a “sleep divorce”) or they do it like television shows did back in the day and sleep in two different beds that are in the same room.
Are there any “benefits” to doing this? I mean, some people say that they are able to sleep more soundly, especially if their partner is a snorer. Others say that they like it because they can get more quality time to themselves that way. And while I get both of those points in theory, being that couples only spend 2-2.5 hours together a day max, oftentimes bedtime is the only time when they can truly connect — and that’s why I am not a fan of sleep divorces myself.
Not to mention the fact that not sharing a bed with your partner can low-key create feelings of abandonment and cause one or both of you to “wall up” because you’re not getting the skin-to-skin experience that’s not only good when it comes to feeling closer to your partner (thanks to the oxytocin boost that it creates) but your overall health and well-being too.
In fact, there is a bit of irony that when you cuddle with your partner, it can help you sleep better in the long run. And since sleep deprivation is tied to things like memory problems, erratic moods, concentration issues, high blood pressure, and even a shortened lifespan — wouldn’t you want to do what you can to sleep with your partner as much as possible if you could?
In walks what has proven to be a good solution for some…
The Scandinavian Sleep Method COULD Be a Cool Compromise
You know what they say: successful relationships are all about compromise, and when it comes to sharing a bed with your partner, that’s where the Scandinavian sleep method comes in. As you see, it’s basically when you sleep in the same bed with your partner, only you use different blankets or comforters to wrap yourselves up in so that you don’t have to fight over bedding (even if it’s in your sleep) all night long nor do you have to tussle over wanting different levels of warmth.
So, basically, what you’re getting is a “co-sleeping method for adults” because you can cuddle and still customize your bedding to your liking (think of it like camping with your boo thang in your own bed instead of a tent).
And here’s the thing: not only does the Scandinavian sleep method make it possible for you to spend (more) quality time with your partner, but it’s also more economical than purchasing two beds. Plus, it lowers the risk of you going from a sleep divorce to possibly even more of a disconnect by not being in the same room with one another. Sounds pretty darn good to me.
Now, does that mean there aren’t any downsides to taking this approach? C’mon, nothing is perfect. For starters, you’ll have to get a little creative if you want to get extra close while cuddling (because, well, two types of bedding are involved). Not only that, but making the bed in the morning could be a slightly hellacious experience (because, again, two types of bedding are involved). Still, if it could keep you and yours in the same room, isn’t it at least worth giving it a shot? I would think so.
Oh, and while we’re on the topic of sleeping bliss for long-term couples, I wanted to share a few other things that may help, too.
5 Tips for Making Sleeping Together Easier
Giphy1. Set the thermostat to the mid-60s. For most of us, it’s easier to warm up than cool down. So, if the two of you can’t seem to decide on what temperature to keep the room, opt for around 65 degrees and then customize your bedding via the Scandinavian sleep method that we just discussed. Not only will that make it easier to remain comfortable throughout the night (because our body temp tends to shift from night to morning), but as a bonus, it can keep your electricity bill down as well.
2. Get an anti-snoring pillow. If you happen to sleep with a loud snorer (or you are one), invest in an anti-snoring pillow. They are designed to comfortably elevate a snorer’s head and neck to where they are able to breathe quieter and sleep more soundly.
3. Spoon with your partner. As far as cuddling positions go, spooning is super comfortable and intimate. As a bonus, it can get a snorer to sleep on their side, which is one more way to get them to snore less.
4. Try some ASMR nature sounds. Although falling asleep has never really been much of an issue for me, I must admit that my quality of rest has improved, significantly so, ever since I’ve turned on rain sounds at night. From what I’ve read and researched, nature sounds are great for sleeping, in part, because they decrease the natural fight-or-flight tendencies that we all have. As a result, you can relax more easily. Plus, if you or your partner are a “noisy sleeper,” the ASMR will help to drown a lot of that out. YouTube has many videos that go for eight hours or more. Go to the site and put your favorite nature sound in the search field for options.
5. Try an eye mask and/or some earplugs. So, what if the main issue that you’re having with your partner is they get out of bed before you, and that disrupts the extra time that you’re looking to get? An eye mask will keep everything pitch black around you and some ear plugs will make it more challenging to hear any noise or movements around you. You can check out some of the best earplugs for sleeping here.
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Do I know some couples who have made things work via a sleep divorce? Eh. A couple of them. However, even they will admit that they’re willing to give the Scandinavian sleep method a shot. Because if the main time that you can get time in with your partner is at night — shouldn’t you want to do just that? Yeah. My sentiments exactly, sis.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Issa Rae On Burnout & Why Protecting Her Marriage Is The Ultimate Act Of Self-Care
Brooke DeVard created theNaked Beauty Podcast in 2016 as an experiment to tell the stories of people who view beauty, wellness, and fashion as a form of self-expression. The podcast connects with people who share a similar approach and love for the practice of living through the lens of beauty and wellness. DeVard finds inspiration in people who take risks with their self-expression.
Who better represents self-expression than THEE Issa Rae?
Homegirl has been empowering us to be our most authentic selves for over a decade. Issa Rae’s The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl redefined representation by showcasing a relatable, quirky, and imperfect Black woman navigating life’s challenges. Through humor and authenticity, she dismantled stereotypes and empowered audiences to embrace their individuality. Rae’s work highlighted that Black women can be multifaceted and vulnerable while still deserving of love and success.
Beyond representation, she created opportunities for other Black creatives through her production company, Hoorae, fostering inclusion in Hollywood and inspiring a new generation to tell their stories unapologetically.
So, when Issa and Brooke decided to have a kiki on Naked Beauty, best believe we were locked in. Keep reading for the moments that highlight her journey through self-discovery, embracing her authenticity, and prioritizing her well-being.
On Feeling Beautiful
The Insecure starshared that she didn’t feel beautiful until visiting Senegal at 16-17. Seeing people who looked like her was life-changing. “What I look like was the beauty standard was life-changing.” She went on to say, “LA was not the place to feel beautiful, I will say that.”
On Her Hair Relationship Evolution
Issatransitioned from seeing her natural hair as a “burden” to embracing it after seeing more natural hair representations in college. She cut it all off to promote Awkward Black Girl and encourages others to do the same at least once because it changed her life. Issa proclaimed, “It really frees you of your hair expectations in a lot of ways.” The actress continued, “Being free was a feeling I had never felt before.”
Miss Coco Chanel once said, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” A fresh haircut's transformative power can create a sense of confidence and a sharp new look, symbolizing new beginnings. This sentiment is echoed in Coco Chanel's famous quote, highlighting the profound impact of a well-executed hairstyle.
When it comes to the natural hair moments on Insecure, Issa’s collaboration with Felicia Leatherwood was everything. Together, they created iconic natural hair moments for the show even when Issa had three inches of hair.
On Advocating for Herself
She has learned to advocate for herself but admits she sometimes overdoes it. “Sometimes I advocate a little too hard and have to fall back… I know I’m not always right.” With having one opportunity to get it right, she holds it dearly while she also sees the power of collaboration.
On Her Movie 'One of Them Days'
SZA and Keke Palmer’s roles stood out in the trailer dropped a few weeks ago. Issa shared, “SZA was a muse for Insecure. Keke can make anything entertaining… I have a new respect for her.” She calls their chemistry “funny as fuck” and “immediately amazing.” She can’t wait for people to see them together.
On Style Evolution
The LA native recognizes that she has become more aware and intentional about her style choices over time. Issa Rae's red carpet style is anything but safe. She's known for her bold prints, statement heels, and a particular fondness for jumpsuits. Over the years, Rae has graced events in show-stopping pieces by top designers.
Memorable looks include a frilled Off-White dress at the 2017 MTV Movie & TV Awards, a custom Pyer Moss jumpsuit adorned with 180,000 Swarovski crystals at the 2018 CFDA Awards (where she also broke ground as the first Black female host), and a stunning icy blue Vera Wang jumpsuit at the 70th Annual Emmy Awards. The woman is a star in every way.
On Skincare Routine
Issa recently had skin tags removed, aiding her “poreless” complexion. “I wasn’t always a ‘sunscreen girly.’ ” Her current skincare routine includes hyaluronic acid, Vitamin C serum, and her favorite product, Dewtopia by Ole Henrikson.
On Work and Self-Care
It’s no secret that Issa loves working but she shared that she honors self-care through baths, time with friends, and random outings. And on the drinking and smoking front, she says that she’s much more of a sipper than a smoker… very different from Issa Dee.
On Privacy and Boundaries
Protecting her privacy is a part of her self-care. She believes it’s important to keep things private and precious. “Being able to know that this is mine and nobody else’s,” is what serves her most. We saw this actualize when she popped out with a whole husband and we had no clue. But we get it because sometimes you have to protect what you hold dear when you’re in the spotlight. Issa also believes that other people are significantly more interesting than her.
On Burnout
Issa has gotten better at taking time off but admits struggles with burnout.“Sometimes unhealthily in terms of shutting down. It manifests as powering through, which is also really unhealthy.”She now has one day a week where she does absolutely nothing.
Watch her interview with Brooke in full below:
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