Practical Parenting Tools To Raise Emotionally Resilient Kids—From A Therapist (& Mom)

“I wrote this new book, which is called Calm, Courageous and Connected,, a parent's guide to raising emotionally resilient kids, because I wanted to help parents. I wanted to equip them with tools and strategies. Because even though I'm known for working with young people, I work a lot with parents who want resources and want strategies to help their kids,” she tells xoNecole.

“I got a call from a parent the other day. Her child is suicidal. He's a young child. I don't want to say too much, because I don't want to give the details away. I want to keep it as anonymous as possible. But a young child, male, Black male, who was suicidal. He did get into therapy, thank goodness. And he told the therapist, I love my parents. I know my parents love me, but my dad can be really hard on me. He described his dad as kind of authoritative and he said mom hovered. So isn't that interesting?

She adds, “Some parents would be like, that's what we're supposed to be doing, right? And so I think with kids today, we can't use the old tools. We cannot use the strategies that we were raised with.”

Dr. Williams, who is also a mother, explained how the pandemic, social media, and school shootings have increased anxiety and more in kids. So what tools should parents use? She recommends intentional parenting, “understanding who your child is, understanding the environment that they are growing up in right now, not the environment that you grew up in and shielding them from the harm that comes from social media.”

When taking steps toward intentional parenting, here’s what parents should remember. “Kids brains are still under construction, and this is important to know, because we want our kids to be strong and emotionally resilient and able to control their emotions. Well, they can't do that,” she explains. “They can't even start to do that until about age eight. And the truth is the frontal lobes, where our executive functioning skills come from and the ability to manage disappointment, setbacks and big emotions really doesn't get fully developed until the mid 20s.”

Another thing for parents to keep in mind is that mistakes happen. “In my field, we talk a lot about relationships, and we know that relationships can sometimes hurt us. People we love, people that are supposed to care for us, will make mistakes, and we call that a rupture,” she says. “When you mess up, you want to repair as quickly as possible. And what does repair look like? It looks like acknowledging you made a mistake because we will lose it on our kids, and we will say things that we don't mean.

“We will do things, I even raise my voice with mine. Try really hard not to, but if I'm tired from a long client day, if I've been traveling, if I'm hungry, and I've said it three times. I make mistakes, but I always go back and say, you doing, okay? I'm so sorry. I was tired and I did not say it the way that I wanted to say it. I raised my voice.”

Lastly, she adds, “It is a good thing for parents to not deny or minimize when they’ve said something that they didn’t mean or did something they didn’t want to do. Be honest and really acknowledge how it has impacted your child.”

For more information about Dr. Chinwé Williams, visit her website.

*Edited for clarity

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