What If Your Partner Is More "Sexually Conservative" Than You Are?
I'll never forget when a woman called to talk to me about a man she was in love with who she was considering marrying. "There's just one thing, though," she said with a pause. "He doesn't like oral and he prefers to only have sex in the missionary position." What was my response? "Sooo…you're OK with sex being like that for the rest of your life?" to which she replied, "Do you really think that something like this should be a deal-breaker?" Short answer, y'all? YES. "Yes" in the sense that, if there is something that you really want, even to the point of needing it sexually, and your partner is firm and steadfast on NOT giving it to you then, I don't see how you're going to be truly happy or even at peace in the relationship; especially long-term. But that's just me.
OK, but what if either you can find tons of other reasons to push your sexual needs aside (which I am totally impressed with if you can, by the way) or you are already married to someone; someone who, you had no idea was as sexually conservative as they have proven themselves out to be? If that is the case, what should you do then? Other than prayer for patience and strength on the daily, I've got a few ideas that could make things more bearable for you and also easier for them to consider leaning a little more into the direction of your blessed freakiness.
Figure Out Why They Are the Way They Are
There are a billion and one (and then some) reasons why people are the way they are when it comes to what they will and won't do in the bedroom. I know some folks who think oral sex is a sin because either church or their culture taught them so. People have told me that they think sex should only be in certain positions because acts like doggy style hinder intimacy. Some women have said that they think that sperm on their bodies is degrading.
One woman told me that it took her a good year into her marriage to feel comfortable with her husband buying her lingerie because her parents taught her that was what "fast girls" wear (I know, right?). Like I said, I could go on and on, but the main point I'm trying to make is, if you've got a partner who is more conservative than you are, the first thing that you should do is figure out why. More times than not, it's not because they are inherently selfish or not interested in pleasing you; it's more due to what they've been taught or told.
Pretty much any reputable relationship counselor, therapist or life coach is going to vouch for the fact that sex is a lot more satisfying when two people have their guards totally down while being mentally and emotionally in sync with one another. By providing a safe space for your partner to share with you why they are the way that they are, that can build trust. It can also make them more open to trying new things. Maybe not immediately but…eventually.
Clearly Express WHY You’ve Got the Needs That You Do
Everyone is an adult here, right? A man I know, who is bisexual, once told me that before he got married, he told his wife that fellatio was super important to him. A part of the reason why is because that is when he felt the most aroused by women. Prior to marrying him, his partner stated that it was something that she absolutely loved to do. Years into their marriage, though, he ended up being able to count on one hand, just how many times he was on the receiving end of oral sex. All kinds of drama—a sexless marriage which led to an affair which led to distrust on both sides—ensued. Say what you want to say about what his request/need was; the point is his wife knew about his sexuality and what his needs were beforehand. She signed up for both and then—I don't know how else to put it—she "false advertised" and then…reneged.
Some people need oral sex in order to orgasm. Some people have fetishes because that is what sexually stimulates them most. Some people constantly like to try new things because it keeps them from getting bored when they are in an exclusive relationship. If you've got a certain "thing" that you like to do that your partner can very easily go without, share with them why it's so important to you. Chances are, even if they aren't totally down for what you're into, the two of you will be able to negotiate and find a place of compromise (which is probably better than where you were before you said anything at all).
Find Ways to Turn Your “Freakiness” into an Emotional Connection
Those of us with high libidos (check out "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.") and a BIG IMAGINATION sometimes overlook a very valid reason for why we might potentially intimidate our partners. Unless we came into the relationship as virgins, we had a sexual past. And based on how secure (or insecure) our partners are with the relationship and within themselves (not necessarily in that order, by the way), what they might struggle with is not so much what we're into but…who we used to be into the same things with before they came onto the scene.
The past is the past. There's nothing any of us can do to change it. Yet an effective way to ease your partner into what you like to do is to take what gets you off beyond physical pleasure. Be intentional about creating an emotional bond as well. Whatever it is that you're into, by making sure they know that there is no one else you'd rather do "it" with, that can take the act from being seen as nothing more than "live porn" or a walk down your sexual memory's lane into something that is truly special between the two of you.
Cultivate Creative Approaches
Like sex toys? Have their favorite Spotify playlist turned up in the background. Into bondage? Let them tie you up first. Want to record everything? Ask them to tape you doing a strip tease on their phone (first). Are you a huge dirty talker? Do some sexting throughout the day. Ask them "sexy/naughty" questions during the act. Want to try a new position? Start off with a ton of foreplay (so that they'll be too turned on to say "no"). Like to have sex anywhere but your bedroom? Meet them at the door naked and ready so they'll forget where your bedroom even is. Prefer to have oral sex (on the receiving end) to last longer? Invest in some flavored lube (one that tastes like their favorite fruit or chocolate). You get where I'm going with all of this.
Even if your partner is more on the conservative side, if you are able to approach him in a way that makes him feel more comfortable and more aroused at the same time, the sky is pretty much the limit in what you can actually convince them to do (or do more often).
Seduce. Don’t Push.
The art of the seduction. It's something that a lot of people sleep on. That's unfortunate too because, when it comes to having some really good, totally out-of-the-box, intensely gratifying sex, seduction is one of the best ways to take you there. An author by the name of Camille Paglia once said, "Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle." Just like we like to feel wanted and desired, so does our partner.
Seduction helps to relax a person. Seduction keeps them from thinking too hard. Seduction makes someone feel like they are the most lusted person on the planet.
When trying to get your more conservative partner to take a walk on the wild side, don't nag, push or bruise his ego. Just be your natural sexy self while letting him know that even the things that he's never tried before can be more than he ever thought they would be because he is partaking in them with you. Now, how can he refuse that? Exactly.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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'Finding Tony' Director Raven Magwood Goodson And Star Stephen Bishop On Telling Authentic Stories On Screen
In cinema, stories often serve as mirrors reflecting the complexities of our experiences. Finding Tony, the latest cinematic gem from millennial director Raven Magwood Goodson, takes us on a profound journey of trauma, redemption, and resilience. With the magnetic performance of lead actor Stephen Bishop, this film shines a light on the struggles and triumphs we face daily. Through the lens of mentorship, community, and self-discovery, Finding Tony invites audiences to journey alongside its characters as they navigate the complexities of life, love, and everything in between.
In the process, it sparks conversations, challenges assumptions, and inspires viewers to embrace their own stories with pride and authenticity. As the film prepares to make its mark on the cinematic landscape, it serves as a reminder of the importance of representation and the power of storytelling. Executive-produced by NBA star Anthony Davis, Finding Tony not only adds another layer to the tapestry of Black narratives in cinema but also reaffirms the significance of our voices in shaping the cultural conversation.
Crafting Calm in the Creative Storm
As Black women, it's crucial to carve out moments of self-care amidst the demands of our daily lives. Raven Magwood Goodson, the visionary behind Finding Tony, embodies this ethos with unwavering grace and determination. In our conversation, she shared her strategies for nurturing her well-being amidst the whirlwind of filmmaking, offering valuable insights into the importance of prioritizing self-care in pursuit of creative excellence.
"While shooting, I was all into the film. No one knew, but I was pregnant and 2-3 months along. After production, you have a long period of post-production, and we spent months editing, going back, rewatching, and adding music,” Raven explains. “During that time, I was able to prioritize myself and my family. It’s a matter of being intentional for me and knowing these are the things I have to do for the film or for other businesses I have. I'm very intentional about whether it's work or play and making sure everything gets my attention.”
Amplifying Black Narratives in Cinema
Anthony Davis (L) and Raven Magwood Goodson (R).
Courtesy
Our stories matter, serving as the heartbeat of our collective experiences. Authentic representation on screen is not just a desire but a necessity, and Finding Tony emerges as a powerful testament to the importance of reclaiming our narratives. In our dialogue with Raven, we delved into her vision for the film and its profound impact on Black stories in cinema.
"I just want to be able to be an advocate, whether it's through the actual storytelling or my own life, for individuals that look like me. I know the importance of being able to watch TV and have an example because, being a brown-skinned girl growing up, sometimes you look and you don't see those examples,” Raven says. “To have women and little girls come up to me and say how much I've motivated them and that they want to write a book or a movie because of me means the world to me.”
Authorship Amplified: Raven's Journey to Filmmaking Mastery
Black women are no strangers to wearing many hats, navigating various roles and responsibilities with unparalleled grace. Raven epitomizes this multifaceted brilliance, seamlessly transitioning from author and motivational speaker to director. In our conversation, she shared how her experiences in these diverse domains equipped her with the skills and perspective needed to lead with confidence and creativity in the realm of filmmaking.
"I get the distinct opportunity to speak to a lot of different types of people, young people, women, men, and athletes about their experiences. I got the inspiration for Finding Tony. I've met a lot of different individuals, youth, whether that's in high school or college, that had similar experiences to [the lead character] Destiny and the film,” Raven shares. “I've also spoken to a lot of mentors, and people have gone through adversity and found themselves in a Tony space as well. My experience in speaking, writing, and getting to know different audiences shaped my viewpoint to be able to write this story.”
Game Plan to Script: Stephen's Playbook for Acting Success
Stephen Bishop
Courtesy
In a world that often underestimates our abilities, the Black community continues to excel in diverse arenas. Stephen Bishop's journey from professional athlete to actor resonates deeply with our own experiences of resilience and adaptability. As a former Atlanta Braves player, Stephen talked about how his background in sports equipped him for the challenges of portraying a complex character in Finding Tony.
“In sports, you learn a lot of life lessons and can use a lot of those to help inform your characters when you're in different roles. But specifically, this role, it helped because I’ve been an athlete who's had to retire,” Stephen says.
“I am a current coach, so I know what the transition was like. I know a lot of the emotions you go through and things you battle with when you're looking at athletes that you're trying to get to level themselves up. It was a very fortunate coincidence that I happened to be an ex-professional athlete who was going to play this role. It played a big part in me being able to be as comfortable as I was in the role.”
A Role Written in the Stars: Stephen's Path to 'Finding Tony’
Raven shares that her decision to cast Stephen in the lead role of Tony was a moment of intuitive certainty, sparked by his compelling performance in Terminal List alongside Chris Pratt. Upon witnessing his talent, she knew without hesitation that he was the perfect person to capture the essence of Tony Greene. The very next day, fueled by conviction, she reached out to her casting director, passionately advocating to do whatever it took to secure Stephen for the pivotal role. This bold move speaks volumes about Raven's unwavering commitment to bringing her vision to life with authenticity and excellence.
As Stephen reflects on this pivotal moment from his perspective, he shares, "They told me about it and sent the script. [My team and I] all read it the same day, and then the next day, we all got back on the phone, and I said, ‘I really like this.’ A lot of times in my career, by the grace of God, I've played the love interest, and I've been in a couple. I've been really wanting to move into roles where I could just be a standalone character and have my storyline drive the film or the television show without it being at the whim of the relationship. And this role came along and it was not only that, but it was an opportunity for me to really show myself and others what kind of chops I really have because there's a huge emotional arc.”
L-R: Raven Magwood Goodson, Stephen Bishop, and David Banner on set of "Finding Tony."
Courtesy
As today marks the release of Finding Tony, it's not just a film hitting the screens; it's a testament to the power of determination. Shot in a mere 17 days, this cinematic gem shows the sheer dedication and grit of its creators. Director Raven Magwood Goodson, amidst her battles, led the charge with unwavering strength and grace, proving that obstacles are merely stepping stones to greatness. Through late nights and unforeseen hurdles, her unwavering vision shone bright, guiding the cast and crew through the rollercoaster ride of production.
Finding Tony reminds us that even in the face of adversity, there's beauty to be found, strength to be discovered, and purpose to be fulfilled. So, as we prepare to immerse ourselves in Tony's journey, let's raise a glass to the triumphs of creativity, resilience, and the unbreakable bonds forged in the pursuit of art.
Finding Tony - Official Trailer
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