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Please Don't Let Your Family Members Gaslight You This Holiday Season
Semi-recently, while having a conversation with a couple of my clients, the wife loudly sighed when I asked her and her husband what their holiday plans were. When I asked her to translate that sound effect for me, she said, "I hate to say this but when it comes to trying to run things, I honestly don't know which side of our family is worse. I love my relatives, but I hate this time of year because there's always some sort of drama that goes down."
Y'all, between some of my own DNA that I can take a hard pass on, the non-stop stories that I hear from people about their issues with their family folks, and articles like "Americans Hate Their Parents….Is That a Good Thing?", while it might be unfortunate, it is indeed a reality that many of us don't find the idea of slicing turkey and drinking eggnog with our relatives something to look forward to. And while there are probably a billion different reasons why that is the case, what I tend to hear some variation of, quite a bit, is folks feel like their family likes to gaslight them and they don't quite know how to handle it.
If that's you (or someone you know) and so, just the thought of Thanksgiving and/or Christmas approaching is causing you to low-key hyperventilate, I want to share some tips that can make getting through the holiday season with the people who like to "torch you up" so much easier to bear. Promise.
Get That Gaslighting Is ALWAYS a Form of Manipulation
Since it's used so much these days, I'm sure that when you hear the word "gaslight", you've got some sort of idea of what it means (check out "Are You Dating A Gaslighter? Here Are 6 Ways To Tell." and "Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships"). Still, just to make sure that we're all on the same page, a really simple way to define gaslighting would be when people try to get you to question your own reality. For instance, your aunt knows that she was verbally abusive to you while growing up, and yet when you mention it, she acts like she doesn't recall. Gaslighting. You tell your mother-in-law that you and your husband aren't interested in having children any time soon and she shows up with Christmas presents in the form of baby clothes anyway. Gaslighting. You ask your sister to not bring her totally disrespectful boyfriend and she shows up with him and says she didn't hear you say that. Gaslighting.
The problem with all of these instances is not only are they totally dismissive of your feelings and needs, but they're also a passive-aggressive form of trying to control you and situations too. What's worse is usually gaslighting is done in such a way that if you snapped, you would be the one who's looking crazy because it's not typically so offensive that it appears to warrant that kind of drastic reaction from the outside perspective of others.
Here's the thing, though — if you feel like you are being gaslit, 8 times outta 10, you probably are and no one enjoys feeling that way. So, the first step that you need to take is validating your own emotions because the main thing that gaslighters want you to do is to ask yourself, "Am I crazy?" so that they can continue to pull their puppet strings.
Be Realistic About What You’re Dealing With
From personal experience, something I know that used to keep me fit-to-be-tied about gaslighters is the fact that, in between the times of having to deal with them, I'd hope — almost to the point of expecting — them to be different the next time I would see them, especially if I had already pulled them aside and set a clear boundary. Oh, but I've got one relative who, it's almost like they must get paid under the table to defy every boundary that I set with them. It's like the more I tell them "no", the more they want to turn it into a "yes". Can there be anything that's more disrespectful? Somehow, I doubt it. And while I'm personally someone who doesn't subscribe to that, "Some folks are too old to change, so you just have to deal with it" line of thinking (because as long as you have breath in your body, you can change), what I have gotten to the place of is, "Your patterns show how you are, so I will stand firm on what I will or will not do, based on said-patterns".
While, on the surface, being like this might read as anger and resentment, it's actually a form of acceptance because since I'm not looking for them to be someone other than what they've revealed themselves to be over and over again, it's harder for me to get frustrated when they show out — over and over again. And when I'm calmer, I can handle things so much easier.
TRY to Deactivate Your Triggers
I think the hardest thing about being around family is there usually is no one who can trigger you quite like they can. Makes sense too when you get that the definition of a trigger is something that sets off a memory or flashback that's tied to some form or level of trauma. For instance, even if I were a holiday observer, I still wouldn't be the biggest fan of caroling because I have a relative who used to basically force us to do it while growing up. I mean, take us in a room and threaten us if we didn't and then come out of the room acting all "holiday cheer-like". So now, when folks try and get me to participate, I emotionally wince, just a bit.
While I'm still a work in progress when it comes to this, knowing that it triggers me and why has been pretty empowering. That's why I recommend you take out a weekend afternoon to pour yourself a glass of wine, pull out a journal, think about the folks in your family who trigger you, and ponder why. If you can get to the root of what causes them to make you "feel some type of way", you can better figure out how to avoid those triggers and how to not let them get to you…at least, at the level that they have in the past (check out "How To Handle Folks Who 'Trigger' You").
Hear. Don’t Always Listen.
Hearing and listening are not the same things. Hearing is about paying attention to what someone is saying. Listening is about heeding and/or obeying it; it's a much more intense and intentional form of hearing. And sis, when it comes to gaslighters, they don't even deserve the amount of energy that it takes to listen to them.
Case in point, I've got a friend who can't stand her mother-in-law, and honestly, her mother-in-law has earned it because it's been over a decade of insults, running over boundaries, and dishonoring my friend's living space. For probably the first seven years of her marriage, a lot of what my friend would go off about is replaying nonsensical stuff that her mother-in-law would say, followed by a response along the lines of, "Who does that?" What I and her own mother have encouraged her to do is not listen so deeply to what comes out of her mother-in-law's mouth. Since she's heeded (see how that played out — LOL) that advice, she's able to coexist with her much easier. She still doesn't like her mother-in-law all that much yet she's not as anxious before she arrives or (all that) angry once she leaves.
Some of us struggle in this department because the family members who gaslight us the most are the ones who we had no choice but to listen to while growing up (check out "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child"). The good news is you are in a position where you don't have to heed or obey them anymore — even if they try to gaslight you into thinking otherwise. So, you know what, sis? DON'T.
Keep a Safe Place on Tap to Vent
While this one might seem a little bit tricky because the reality is that while you're observing the holidays with your family members, your tribe is probably doing the same when I wrote the article, "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'," I totally meant it. Just about anyone can be there for you when times are good; true friends are the ones who have your back when times are tough. I've got a few folks in my world who I know, that I know, THAT I KNOW, will pick up the phone, come get me off the side of the road or bail me out of jail (if it came to that), no matter what time of day I need them or what they may be doing at the time when I reach out. And while a good friend certainly doesn't take advantage of knowing this about their peeps, I promise you that if your folks know that the holiday seasons are difficult because you've got family members who live to "light you up", they will be more than willing to be, at least a text away, so you can vent.
By the way, when it comes to this particular point, if you happen to be married and the gaslighters are on your hubby's side, try and designate someone other than him to be your sounding board. Yes, he signed up to love and protect you; at the same time, no one wants to hear "your family is trash" for hours on end, and once everyone leaves, you don't want to have to deal with the aftermath of how he feels as a result of you venting your feelings about his loved ones…to him. While your spouse should be your top relational priority as you are to him, we still have other outlets by design. Using them to get some things off of your chest when you are at your limit is a part of the purpose that your friends serve. Trust me.
Pamper Yourself Once the Holidays Are Over
Personally, I don't get why more people don't follow through on this tip, in general. Because listen, even if you adore your family and everything goes smoothly, whether you're traveling for the holidays or hosting at home, it can still be a little stress-filled. However, if you're someone who has to handle an influx of gaslighters this year, give yourself a pat on the back and something to look forward to by scheduling a pampering appointment to follow the week after everyone leaves (or you come back home). If there is a part of you that's like, "I won't have the money to do it", if you save $20 a paycheck now, you should at least be able to get a mani/pedi, order in your favorite meal or buy a bottle of champagne to toast yourself with. And you will have well earned it.
Always Remember…YOU ARE GROWN NOW
Anyone who tries to belittle the fact that you are now an adult who can say "yes" or "no" to whatever you want to, can address issues that you may have been afraid to in the past and can set boundaries at any point and time you deem necessary…they are someone who is trying to gaslight you.
That said, while there is a certain level of respect that older relatives should receive just for surviving this crazy world for as long as they have, don't you dare let them think that you are not owed — YES OWED — respect because you are now grown. Indeed, one of the biggest gaslights that come from gaslighting relatives is trying to shift you off of the reality that you are no longer the child or teenager who they used to be able to be somewhat dismissive of, purely because of your age.
You know, there is one relative I had who used to maximize how intimidated I was of them, well into my adult years. When I finally told them, "I'm not afraid of you anymore", they didn't know what to do. Exactly.
Gaslighting family can be the absolute most — believe me, I know. Hopefully, this helped to put some things into perspective while also bringing you some peace of mind. Because while you might not be able to avoid gaslighters this year, you can bring them into the reality that you know what they are up to and that it no longer will be able to work…anymore. Give thanks.
Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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Feature image by FotosbyFola
Common Says He May Be Ready To Put A Ring On Jennifer Hudson: 'If I’m Going To Get Married, It's To Her'
Rapper and actor Common stirred speculation about his future with Jennifer Hudson during a revealing TheBreakfast Club interview to promote his new album.
The couple, who sparked dating rumors in 2022, confirmed their relationship years later on The Jennifer Hudson Show. Since then, both have offered occasional glimpses into their romance during interviews and social media posts.
Common opened up about his relationship with Jennifer during his recent The Breakfast Club appearance. The 52-year-old discussed managing their high-profile romance, how the actress and singer has reconnected him with his roots, and hinted at what the future might hold for the couple.
Common On How He Handles Their High-Profile Relationship
When asked about his relationship playing out in the media, Common acknowledged the couple's celebrity status and the public's intrigue. "The Light" emcee revealed that he solely focused on building a solid foundation for their relationship to withstand external pressures.
“I just try to make sure we stay as sacred as possible with us. I try to make sure we build our foundation because once people start talking, they can distract you, can get you off, it can discourage you,“ he said.
Common On How Jennifer Helped Him Get Back To His Chicago Roots
Further into the conversation, Common shared how the daytime television host helped him reconnect with his Chicago roots - a shared background, as both were born and raised in the Windy City.
While discussing his new track "Chi-Town Do It" from The Auditorium Vol. 1 album, the rapper expresses his appreciation for Chicago and his love for Jennifer. Common elaborated that his relationship with the EGOT winner has led to frequent visits to Chicago, allowing him to spend extended time with loved ones and stay rooted in his community.
“I’m going to be real with you. Having a lady that’s from Chicago allowed me to go home and just be home,” he stated.”I hadn’t did that in a while. Where I was just like going home and being around my loved ones and didn’t have no work to do… So me going back just for regular shit, it just helped me stay rooted in what I do and who I am.”
Common On Possibly Marrying Jennifer Hudson
When asked about taking the next step with Jennifer, Common expressed optimism, citing that their healthy and loving relationship could lead to wedding bells.
"With all due respect to all the women I've dated, it's all love, but this is a really healthy and beautiful relationship…If I’m going to get married, it's to her,” he said.
This revelation suggests marriage may be on the horizon for Common and Jennifer. It's not the first time the Fool's Paradise actor has hinted at tying the knot, lending more weight to the possibility.
Earlier this year, Common revealed in an interview that personal growth and lessons from past relationships have transformed his perspective on marriage. The star sees himself ready for commitment, stating he'll propose when the timing feels right.
Although wedding bells aren't ringing yet, it's beautiful to see Black love flourishing.
Common & Pete Rock On Respect For Hip Hop, LL Cool J, Kendrick, Jennifer Hudson, New Album + More
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