8 Boss Women On Moving In Silence & How To Find Your Own Rhythm
Women, specifically women of color, are making their dreams come true and impacting their communities and the culture and we're killin' it. The number of businesses owned by Black women in the United States in 2018? 2.4 million! We've been building an impressive army of entrepreneurship, generational wealth, and influence while seemingly no one was paying attention. It can be asserted that Black women have been moving in silence, building lives and generations long before the idea snuck into song lyrics and subsequently cemented itself in popular culture as a life and business principle.
So what is it that sistas are doing and how are we doing it so well?
Sometimes we do more looking up to the smaller percentage of people who've become household names than we spend connecting with and learning from the wealth and experiences of those whose stars are steadily rising. So, I tapped 8 incredible Black women – I mean truly amazing, everyday women who walk, talk, live, and create in impactful ways. Women who see through the veneer of accolades straight to impact in its truest sense and form. Keep reading to find out why there is success in learning to move in silence.
Deanna M. Griffin, Co-Founder of Crownhunt
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence looks like doing the work instead of just talking about it. We live in an age where it's easy to position or brand yourself a certain way without having the sweat and receipts behind it. I like to focus on the results – brainstorming launches, developing timelines and budgets, identifying partners and collaborators, writing/editing/scheduling/promoting... whatever has to be done to get my ideas off the ground before I start bragging about the work. The celebration can come later.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Be transparent. If you are figuring it out, while making mistakes, share that. It's easy to think that "the hustle" means looking like you're killing it all the time. People are quickly turned off by that and it's devastating to come off as a fraud when you were just trying to "fake it 'til you make it". This is why we created the Crownhunt newsletter, which surprisingly doesn't focus on hair but on our journey to tell our inner Impostor Syndrome to STFU. We're hoping that our decision to be transparent will pay off.
Follow her on Instagram: @crownhunt
Princess “Coach P” Owens, Wellness Expert/Holistic Health Coach
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence for me is actively practicing wisdom and patience while I work the plan. You move with care and understand that it's not a secretive thing but a sacred experience. You don't just guard your visions/goals but it's an out guarding the process. Trust no one with your dreams but self and the creator. It's hard not to share the good parts. "Everyone else is flourishing and being magical, I want in".... but never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Social media is a space where your influence, value, and even likability is often attached to "wins". We often use these platforms to prove that we belong by being pretentious in our sharing. You can't fake energy. You may fake a lifestyle for a bit (even that will get exposed) but you can never fake magic. Trust that you will always belong – even as you are. Do the work in authenticity. Take care of YOU, so that you'll never lose YOU in the process. Be you.
Follow her on Twitter and Instagram: @coachpsays"Never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way."
Yetti Ajayi-Obe, Owner of YettiSays & Founder of Certified 10
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I actually have a love/hate relationship with this idea of "move in silence." I don't necessarily believe one should be shouting their every move from the rooftops, but I don't subscribe to the thoughts of every power move should be done in silence – unless you're Beyoncé, of course. I think us WOC, especially those of us that are wellness advocates, need to be more open and honest about the process of producing and creating, because truthfully, it takes a lot [out] of a person. I tend to "move in silence" naturally, but that's only because outside pressures and opinions do something ridiculous to my anxiety. I have an internal team I work with because they provide me the balance I need. But I think talking about the process can aid in making sure there are more of us Black and brown women sitting at the table.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
"Only you can do what you do. Only you can reach certain people. Only you can speak to your story. And by not doing what you're meant to do on this Earth, you're robbing this world of a service only you can provide." – I'm not sure if this is something my therapist coined, or if it's an official quote, but this is what I refer back to when pressure, anxiety, and whatever else interferes with my work. It's not about the numbers, the money, or the cool opportunities. It's about the reach, whether it be two people or two thousand. It has nothing to do with what the next person is doing. It's about your why, and what you're doing to fulfill it. Honest and authentic work will always trump whatever is being done for the looks of it.
Follow her on Twitter: @phenomenalyetti, Instagram: @yettisays
Jasmine Katrina Smith, Founder of Pure Communications & Co, Faith & Lifestyle blogger
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
"Moving in silence" to me means staying focused on my work and the quality of it. It looks like supporting a fellow influencer and/or entrepreneur while keeping my goals aligned to what God has instructed me to do. It's not always easy because comparison can come to defeat my progress, but I find solace in knowing I'm focused on exactly what God's last instructions were until we're ready to move forward to the next thing.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
If I could offer one tip, it would be to remember that we don't work to please man, we work to glorify God, and by doing so, that means we're called to produce fruit (ie: we should have results). Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @jkatrinasmith
"Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character."
Shayla Racquel, Writer, Director, Filmmaker
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, "moving in silence" doesn't necessarily mean to be secretive about my trajectory through the film industry. I think it means to have discretion and discernment about when, where, and how I announce my moves, and to allow my work and my work ethic to speak for itself. At times, it is difficult to move in silence. We feel like we have to make those grand announcements not for self-gratification, but to receive validation from others. I remember watching a Film Independent keynote address by Ava DuVernay, in which she talked about "desperation vs. doing." She said that we should never "ooze desperation," instead, we should make a way out of no way, and just do. "The only thing that moves you forward is your work," were her words, and as an independent filmmaker who is in the beginning stages of my career, those words were cemented in my spirit, and since hearing that, that is how I've decided to move.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Think of finding your work rhythm as building your foundation. You need a strong foundation to have something solid to stand upon – something you can always go back to, even if you want to start over with what you're building. When people concern themselves more so with how people "perceive" their work/work ethic rather than concerning themselves with their actual work, something is going to fall through the cracks. It gets harder and harder to keep up the facade when you actually aren't doing anything, and the truth will always be revealed in the end. Focus on your work, build your foundation, and don't concern yourself with what everyone else is doing – focus on you.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @ShaylaRacquel
Shefon Nachelle, Artist, Founder of Etcetera Creative
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I instinctively interpret it as "do more, say less". I realized that a part of my desire to make others aware of what was happening in my life, was about validation. That I, or my work, did not have meaning without the approval of others. That dangerous slope became a thief of my freedom, my creativity, and personal sense of value. "Moving in silence" is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing.
Of course it is not easy, but when I think about my personal icons, they are in deep trust of themselves and their work. So, I often consider what tasks I am taking up for myself and if they are driven by my desire for approval. Those that are not, allow for a personal peace that facilitates moving in silence.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I believe there are moments we grossly underestimate the time, work, and study required prior to regarding ourselves as an authority in any given field of work or subject matter. Sometimes even those labels, of entrepreneur and influencer, transport us to a place that often relies on deceptive exteriors and are disingenuous. The truth about learning craft is that we fail constantly, it takes a long time, and it is hardly ever as beautiful as our pre-planned photo shoots at our favorite coffee shops.
Even though I have spent almost ten years in design and most of my life as an artist, there is so much that I have yet to learn, to experience. My good internet friend, Ann Daramola, offers an urgent affirmation to "Face Your Work." That is the tip I would have wanted someone to give me. Just do the work. The hard work. The invisible work. The uninspiring work. The work is enough. In the words of astrologer, Chani Nicholas, "The only way to manifest epic projects is to bow deeply to your daily grind."
Follow her on all social media platforms: @shefonnachelle
"'Moving in silence' is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing."
Amber Gabrielle, Founder of Oh She Went Global, CEO of The Lit Lady
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, it means that I spend more time putting my head down and doing the work instead of blabbing about it every step of the way. This doesn't mean that I never say anything about my current projects, but boundaries must exist. This concept has been drilled into my head since childhood, and I shall pass it on to my future children. For the most part, it's easy for me to do more than I talk, because I see people on social media who DON'T practice this and frankly, it's nauseating. I don't want to be the nauseating girl. Haha! I've noticed that this concept of "moving in silence" has gotten pushback in recent months, and people will assume that you're elusive, or a failure, if you don't post what you have going on. Well, others may choose to blab their plans from here to Addis Ababa, but I'll continue to keep quiet until I have results worth speaking about. Then, and only then, will I talk about what I've been doing, in hopes of providing wisdom and value to those coming after me.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I feel that sometimes, the ambitious community consumes unbelievable amounts of information, but does very little when it comes to applying that information to everyday life. It's one thing to post pretty, inspirational memes on Instagram and tweet quotes from the book You Are a Badass; it's quite another to take all the advice you're constantly being hit with, and intentionally make it useful to you. So, I challenge everyone reading this to think of the last piece of information you consumed that you found valuable…I mean valuable to the point where you highlighted it, posted it with a YAAAAAS caption, sent it to your momma and her prayer group, all that. Take that piece of information, advice, whatever it is, and commit to implementing it in your life for the rest of the year. I would absolutely LOVE to hear what your results are!
Mia Jones-Walker, Digital Media Specialist & Mental Health Advocate
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence is a process of waiting patiently for the manifestation to come forth, pursuing purpose with due diligence. It consists of putting in the work and fulfilling my tasks at hand without seeking external validation from my peers or calling attention to me doing the work. It's not easy to move in silence when you consider our natural need for acceptance – we want to be recognized (often prematurely) for each increment in the process but that congrats cannot supplant taming the steps we still must walk out. Premature applause can cause us to become short sighted on the full journey ahead. Moving in silence requires a resilient attitude, enduring without despairing, or envying whoever surpasses you in achieving their goals.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Know that discipline is the key to moving forward. Set your pace realistically according to your interest (how often you want to engage your audience balanced with the demands of your life) and give yourself grace to take a breather when you need to!
Featured image by Jasmine Katrina.
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
Originally published January 14, 2019
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Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images