Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, I'm no stranger to the struggle of breaking free from a religion I had no choice in being apart of or not. It's a very traumatic experience to give up all you have ever known and risk your whole circle of family and friends to discover a connection to truth that resonates with your soul. The journey to personal freedom is filled with fear, guilt, and self-doubt, still, I would not trade my freedom, sanity, and independence that came from walking away from the only life I knew for 20 years.
This piece will reveal the stories of two other millennial women who had the courage, and strength to walk away from their own oppressive upbringings.
Reagan, @reagan_barclay
Reagan is a new mom of a 7-month-old baby, navigating life in the "outside world."
Her Upbringing:
I was raised as a Jehovah's Witnesses. I remember no holidays, no birthdays, and I could only hang out with Jehovah's Witnesses. I couldn't stand for the flag, and we were not allowed to go to the military. No smoking. You could date and marry outside of the religion, but they frowned on it.
I remember being little, around five or six, sitting in the Kingdom Hall thinking "something's not right." I would Google Jehovah's Witnesses, and I would see words like "cult" and "sex abuse." I would ask my Granddad, "What's a cult?" and he would say, "Get off that. Turn that off." I remember being young, sitting on his lap one time to ask him, "Granddad, will you always love me?" And he replied, "Long as you love Jehovah."
I loved my family, but I dreaded being a Witness. I hated the hall. I hated service, I hated conventions, I hated family worship, I hated it ALL - but I didn't have a choice. I was a child, and my father was absent. Even if he was around, they sure as hell weren't going to let me go live with him. I remember my mom getting disfellowshipped. She would cry to me about how my family would treat her, and I remember crying to my cousin about how poorly they treated her, and talked bad on her every time the family was together... and the family was always together!
I remember getting abused at a young age, not by anyone in the congregation, but the way my situation was handled. I knew something was wrong. It was very hush mouth yet, I thought they were there to comfort me, however, I had to self-cope with that. I never stopped thinking about how I didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness, but seeing how my mom and family members were treated, I thought if I get baptised, "I'll never get disfellowshipped because I'm too scared to lose my family."
Her Transition:
I was reproved multiple times (which means being privately reprimanded by Jehovah's Witness Elders and being warned of disfellowshipment) and I remember being talked down on afterwards. I remember falling into depression and wanting to kill myself, and I would get told I just wanted attention. "You're not really going to kill yourself," they would say.
They were partially right. I wanted both. I remember going to a mental institution, and no one from the hall came to see me, and none of my friends came to see me. The only people who showed up were my mom and grandparents.
I went home eventually, and started drinking, having sex, popping pills, etc. I didn't give a f-ck!
As time went by, I told myself I had to get it together, because if I kept messing up, I wouldn't be able to have my family. So I got it together and I got my privileges back (which means to be an active member of the congregation), and I remember going to live back with my mom. She wasn't very active at the time, and I don't even think she was going to the kingdom hall.
I was making an effort my own, then somewhere down the line she got back in the congregation, and I honestly think it was because of me. I was putting on a good show. I was being a good hypocrite. Eventually, I think my mom kind of gave up on me because I actually did what I wanted.
I went back to sex, weed, and pills.
I partied continuously as I worked and went to high school. I already had a graduation party, and I accepted a full ride to a university. I knew I wasn't going to stay there forever, but it was a way out. I went off to school and I talked to them maybe twice. I talked to my mom off and on, but she was still trying to convince me to go to the hall and telling me how to live my life. I decided to cut her off because I knew there was a chance of me going back if I continued a relationship with her.
Going to college gave me a place to stay for a few months before I quit after the first semester. I knew I couldn't go home so I asked my friend if I could stay with her, which lasted for six months. That was two years ago, and here I am now.
The After Effects:
The consequences of leaving the organization is obviously the fact that I don't have my family, and I have been completely on my own. After leaving, I felt like I was finally free, but I was so used to living as a Jehovah's Witnesses, and had lived their way of life for so many years, that I had a lot of fear surrounding what living is like in the "outside world."
But I survived without them.
Seven months ago, I had my son, and I'm currently battling with the fact of whether or not I should let my son be a part of their lives. I fear my son being around them because I know their love is not real. The only reason I do let him go around them at all is because it feels like the right thing to do, and I'm learning to forgive those who have hurt me, and do the right thing regardless.
The Outcome:
Since I've left the organization, I've learned what REAL love is. Love is unconditional, and its silly to shun your own family member over a religious belief. On the upside, I feel great! I have a family, and I have friends who love me genuinely for me. Not because of my religion. I'm still finding myself. I'm still in the process of healing, and I have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life I'm truly happy! I might not have much in the other people's eyes, but to me, I have everything to be grateful for, including my past.
I feel like being raised a JW, had a negative impact on my life but I don't hate them. However, I do keep them at a distance. I was honestly even scared to write a testimony for this article because of the fear of what my family would think of me, but I've learned that the truth isn't always pretty."
Hana, @weirdnesss
Hana is of mixed ethnicity, and grew up living a double life religiously and culturally in a tumultuous upbringing. Read more about her dynamic experience in her written blog for "Embracing Ugly."
Photo by Jazmin Corea
Her Upbringing:
I was born in Miami but raised in Kuwait. My father is a Muslim from Kuwait, with a large religious family still arranging marriages and insisting on the Hijab at puberty. My family members do not cover their faces but to the rest of the world they may seem semi-National Geographic-ish.
My mother is a Catholic from Colombia. She went to Catholic school and came from a family where the men were breadwinners and women were traditional homemakers with very strong opinions. My siblings and I were raised with Islam and Catholicism. I had to learn how to live a double life very early on. I wasn't allowed to play with boys once I hit adolescence.
I wasn't allowed to wear certain clothes, laugh without reason, or question religion.
I will never forget the day my dad told me I couldn't play soccer with him anymore. I was getting older and there were no other girls on the field. As an 8-year-old, I didn't understand why my brothers could join in and I couldn't, even though I knew being a girl had a different set of rules.
Her Transition:
My family and I survived the Gulf War in 1990. We were able to escape through the desert and make it to Miami where my mom's family was, only to be hit by Hurricane Andrew.
After so much destruction, we went back to Kuwait where I grew up until I was 15. There was so much trauma and dysfunction that was spread throughout the generations. At the time, I didn't understand that, and as I grew older, I was able to understand everyone was just as lost as the children were. I started really questioning the idea of God around middle school. I couldn't understand how both my parents' perception of God, though strong and convicting, wasn't enough to protect my family throughout the catastrophes we had experienced.
In Kuwait, I was in religion class because it's mandatory, and I remember asking reasonable questions and being kicked out of class. In my mind, as a rebellious mixed angry child, I couldn't understand why no one had straight answers for me, if God had been so perfect. The inability to answer my questions was a familiar response on both sides.
I had experienced some troubling times and I remember being so young, lost, and desperate to find divinity, that I figured going back to what I knew would help. I went to a Catholic retreat and was honest about not being fully onboard with Jesus being God, and I asked for a prayer and the priest said he couldn't bless me.
At that point, I knew that path wasn't for me.
The After Effects:
I think one of the hardest parts about this whole process has been having to ask my parents to respect my beliefs, even if they don't agree with them. There has actually been a lot of freedom and growth in my relationships with my parents since I've gotten passed the fears of being transparent with them.
I've battled mental health issues since childhood. I know that my life is contingent upon my spiritual condition.
My life depended on me exploring spirituality beyond the limits set in my childhood. The more I heal, the more I've also been able to appreciate the religion both of my parents gave me. I've spent many years volunteering in different avenues, and the one thing I try to show people is how to find God for themselves. It irks my nerves that divinity has been hijacked by fundamentalists of ALL backgrounds.
It's such a shame to see so many young people lost and without guidance, or even the willingness to explore, because of the fear behind the idea of God that we've been conditioned to believe exists.
Since having told my parents I needed my own space to explore God, I have tried mediums, pilgrimages, past life regressions, card readers, acupuncture, retreats, praying, crystals, nature, animals…so many things! When I've traveled, I've gone to hindu temples, mosques, and churches, I would give anything to share that energy with the world around me, to show people it's all the same!
It was beautiful to have tangible proof that God is universal, all loving, and all powerful.
I've been faced with a lot of ignorance throughout my journey to God and I've learned to respect people where they are at. It's not my job or anyone else's to convert or convince anyone. My very existence, and the miracle that is my very existence, is proof in itself. I live a life that is righteous to my moral compass according to the God that I have come to know along the way- and I have to be about it, not talk about it.
The Outcome:
Today, I am a woman who is well-rounded and respecting of so many walks of life because I understand that our relationship with God (as we understand him/her/it) is so deeply personal and beautiful.
What I have with God today is because I had so many women along the way guide me and challenge me to explore beyond my childhood ideas and my parents' ideologies, and I am forever humbled by the gracious gift these women gave me.
I would tell someone going through the same experience to question everything. Read, pray, talk to people, go to workshops of new faiths, there are online groups too if you're unable to explore in person.
Figure out where your heart feels at home.
Do these words you're reciting resonate with your soul? Does this ceremony feel like your soul is being hugged super tight? There is no right or wrong in this process, except honoring your truth along the way. It's ok if there are changes, like all relationships and growth, changes happen. You can deal, so long as you put your truth first.
I hope you find yourself and all the glory that is you exactly as you are along the way. Life is so much more manageable when you are able to embrace your ancestors, your guardian angels, and God along the way.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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