As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer. If you have a story you'd like to share, but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.
This is LaPorsha Campbell's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
The week of our wedding, my husband was extremely ill and wasn't released from the hospital until two days before.
Desmond was diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease, which quickly progressed to Stage 5 within a year. The disease is a condition where your kidneys are damaged and no longer filtering blood as they should. Most people go without diagnosis until nearing the end stages of full-blown kidney failure.
The cause of my husband's disease: Type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure.
We discovered his diagnosis in 2018. Desmond was hospitalized with pneumonia and his kidney took a major hit that unfortunately, never recovered. The feeling that he was dying a slow death certainly had its effects. Dialysis was very hard on his body, he began showing physical changes, and most crushing of all, his spirit was so broken. So the decision to give him my kidney was a no-brainer—easy even.
It was the recovery that was hard…
My husband and I didn't have the same blood type, so I was unable to donate my kidney directly to him. Instead, in an amazing turn of events, he received a kidney from an anonymous donor, and in return, I donated my kidney anonymously to someone who had also been waiting on the transplant list. Our donation was facilitated through a paired kidney exchange program. Also known as a "kidney swap", this arrangement occurs when a living kidney donor is incompatible with the recipient, so they exchange kidneys with another donor/recipient pair. This kidney-paired donation transplant enables two incompatible recipients to receive a faster transplant, thus decreasing the open wait list time.
My family weren't initially the biggest fans of the donation process; they were scared with what participation could mean. It was somewhat of a relief to them finding out we weren't a match, as they preferred that I avoided surgery altogether. But, when I explained that I'd be donating to an anonymous recipient, they couldn't really understand.
I Married My Husband "In Sickness", Hoping To One Day Get To The "And In Health".
Courtesy of LaPorsha Campbell
My husband has spent the last two years of our relationship in and out of the hospital. Before he started dialysis, we practically lived in the hospital. We were unable to go on a honeymoon because immediately following our wedding, he needed to begin emergency dialysis.
Regardless, I took my vows seriously throughout the entire process, with literally zero intention of folding. I've had so many people tell me they'd never do what I did for their partner, but I made a vow to my husband and our families—in front of God—to always love and be there for him.
And aside from anything else, before I decided to donate my kidney, I consulted with God. I didn't want to go against His will, especially with such a huge decision.
Throughout, I felt God's presence right beside us. When a complete stranger came forward and said she'd give her kidney to my husband, a person she did not know, I knew it was God.
Desmond received a kidney in less than a year despite being told it could take years due to his blood type.
That was God too.
Post-Surgery Aftermath
Prior to my surgery, my husband was nervous; he doesn't like seeing me in pain. A few times, he suggested I change my mind about donating and that he could just wait on the list until his name came up, but at that point, me donating was bigger than him. I wasn't just saving his life. I was saving someone else's life, too.
Recovery was literally the hardest thing my body has ever had to go through, but it taught me to extend the same grace and patience to myself that I often gave to others. I prayed, I cursed, and I cried. My husband was my rock and showed me just as much assurance. His transplant surgery was a week before mine, but he somehow managed to care for me during my recovery. He did everything for me, while still recovering himself.
I was really bad at practicing self-care before my surgery, which almost caused a nervous breakdown. I was so fearful at times about my husband's health that it led to extreme anxiety and depression. This was all magnified because I couldn't talk with my husband about it. I didn't want him feeling guilty about being ill or for my concerns to affect his condition.
I was in a very dark place for a while.
I began taking antidepressants, which shockingly made all the difference. My depression became debilitating to my entire existence. I didn't feel like caring for myself—it took too much energy for me. I was just going through the motions and only trying to keep my family in one piece. I put on a brave face for my husband and daughter, yet inside, I was falling apart.
Returning To Health
Courtesy of LaPorsha Campbell
After a month of taking medication, I began feeling like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could finally think clearly again. I began opening up to my husband about feeling overwhelmed. To my surprise, being open and honest with him brought us closer. I began to meditate daily; doing yoga. Being open about what I was going through, and learning to not be afraid to ask for help, saved me.
We are finally starting to feel like ourselves again, and my husband also finally has his life back. Before, he was spending 12 hours a week on a machine to keep him alive. And now, he's no longer being admitted to the hospital every other week.
Time has returned to his side.
These days, we're getting settled with the aftermath of the last two years. The incurred debt, medical bills, emotional scars, etc. etc.
But most importantly, we're enjoying each other's lives—and our health.
I now preach to everyone the importance of knowing your health numbers, especially to people of color. One of the leading causes of kidney failure is high blood pressure. Both high blood pressure and diabetes are treatable with medication and lifestyle changes, but first, you have to know your numbers.
This means staying on top of your yearly physicals and making sure your doctor is checking your kidney function during your screening. You are your greatest advocate in terms of your health. Reduce your stress and live a healthy lifestyle.
To be honest with you guys, what I did for my husband was nothing new. It was nothing noble. Married couples do this for each other all of the time. If you aren't willing to temporarily face discomfort for your spouse—especially to save their life—you shouldn't be married. Marriage is an adjustment and it's work. Make sure you've chosen the right partner BEFORE walking down the aisle. Afterward, make a conscious decision to continue choosing that person over and over again.
My marriage is far from perfect, but I love my husband and I will always choose him. We're in this thing together, and I'm rockin' with him until the wheels fall off.
To learn more about LaPorsha and Desmond's kidney journey, you can watch this video. LaPorsha has also documented more details on her Instagram page.
If you have a story you'd like to share, but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.
Featured Image Courtesy of LaPorsha Campbell
- My husband's kidney wasn't a match. A stranger's was. - American ... ›
- My wife donated one of her kidneys to a stranger this morning ... ›
- Video: In sickness and in health: Donating a kidney to my husband ... ›
- What Kidney Donors Need to Know: Before, During and After ... ›
- What I learned from donating a kidney to my 70-year-old father - Vox ›
- In sickness and in health: Donating a kidney to my husband - YouTube ›
- I Donated A Kidney To My Husband To Save His Life | HuffPost ›
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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