For as long as I can remember, I have always been a daddy’s girl. And even though my father has been present in my life, I am fully aware that that is not the same story for others. Regardless of whether you are close with your father or not, a father/father figure in your life shapes you as an adult in ways that you may not even realize. Fathers, especially Black fathers, are so important to our community and should be honored just as much as mothers. So it is only right to shine a light on some amazing Black fathers who are out here doing the best they can to enrich their children's lives.
In honor of Black fatherhood as a whole, xoNecole chatted with Kier Gaines a licensed therapist, a content creator, and the founder of the lifestyle brand Kier and Them; Tony Ingram who works in the U.S. Navy and is well known for his Black Love episode he appeared in with his wife, Brittany Ingram; and Anthony Edwards, a digital creator and the host of his podcast, No Guru Ish, where he talks about birth, motherhood, and fatherhood. Each of these men comes from different walks of life.
For this Father’s Day, these Black men were open and honest about their perspectives on what being a father means to them, how their father figures shaped them, and the kind of legacy they hope to leave behind.
xoNecole: Who would you say was a role model for you while growing up?
Kier Gaines, 35: I don’t think I really looked up to anyone when I was growing up. I grew up in the projects of Washington D.C. and during the crack-cocaine epidemic, so I had a weird mix of environments. Outside my home, there’s violence and crime. But inside my home, there’s love, culture, and comfort. I saw older guys with things that I wanted like clothes, cars, and women. But at the same time, it was clear to me that those same guys lived lifestyles that I didn’t want. So I never saw myself in them. Now as an adult, I do have a couple of people that I look up to. But back then, I didn’t.
Tony Ingram, 38: I had a unique situation growing up. I have two dads. I have my stepfather and my biological father. They were both very present in my life. My stepfather raised me. My biological father and my mom were young parents and they didn’t work out. Then, my stepfather met my mom and raised me as his own. He fostered an environment for me to stay connected with my biological father. Both of my fathers had great attributes that really helped me become the father I am today.
Anthony Edwards, 33: For me, it’s a no-brainer that my role model is my father. My father worked hard and was a hustler. He was born in Jamaica and he had three jobs. Despite working a lot, he always tried to make time for me, even though it was hard at times.
xoN: How has your relationship with your father shaped how you display fatherhood to your children?
Kier: I didn’t have a relationship with my father. It was really my peers that were my father figures. My friends are the people I chose at the rawest stages in my life, so we were able to grow together. It’s different when it’s your peers because they do not have the wisdom of "years of experience" compared to you, but you still respect their lived experiences. At the end of the day, after all the trials and tribulations, my friends are still good fathers, good husbands, and most importantly, good humans. That is what I relate to the most. We feed into each other.
Tony: My stepfather was my coach. He taught me how to be respectful, and determined, and how to stand on your word. Now I pride myself on chivalry. I display that with my wife and both of my daughters. Now, with my biological father, he is the kindest person you would ever meet. He is the type of man that will give the shirt off his back for someone. He is also an adoptive father. He and my stepmother adopted my little brother at birth. The kind of heart that you have to have to do that is next level for me. I learned how to be compassionate [toward] others from him.
Anthony: It’s a little different for me. My father worked a lot which made him miss certain events in my life that I wish he was present for. I think those moments made me realize that, when I have a son, I will make sure to be completely present with my son. So you can say that my relationship with my dad made me want to do the opposite of some of the things he did as a father.
"At the end of the day, after all the trials and tribulations, my friends are still good fathers, good husbands, and most importantly, good humans. That is what I relate to the most. We feed into each other."
Courtesy of Kier Gaines
xoN: What is something that you wish you could've asked your father as a child that you didn't get a chance to?
Kier: It’s so funny. My brain has a protective mechanism where it leads me to believe that I do not need those kinds of answers. That is something that I am currently working through. I am less interested in asking why he wasn’t present. But one thing I am curious about is the origin story of my mom and his relationship. I don’t know anything about it. Like what did they talk about? Or what made them gravitate towards one another? You know, outside of the romantic side of things.
Tony: If I could ask them a question it would be about relationships with women. Like, how to establish a healthy relationship with a woman. To be transparent, yes my stepfather was a great father, but he wasn’t the greatest husband. He told me everything I was supposed to do, but I didn’t see it always displayed with my mom. With my biological father, I remember that he and my stepmother got divorced when I was a senior in high school. Honestly, that really crushed me. So I would ask him, how do you maintain a healthy marriage? I am curious about what happened there.
Anthony: You know, my father is really good at soccer. He still plays soccer to this day. I think I would ask him what his life was like before he met my mother. I know I had a life before my family. I didn’t have the heart to ask my dad those questions back then. I want to be able to share that kind of stuff with my son when he gets older.
Courtesy of Anthony Edwards
xoN: What do you enjoy most about being a father?
Kier: Man, being a girl dad is different. When you become a girl dad, you become a feminist. Automatically! For me, I have a weird relationship with parenthood. I don't always love it, I’m not going to lie to you. But I am always deeply in love with my children. I think the main thing is watching them grow. It’s crazy to me! You hear people talk about it all the time, but there’s a true bond there. I grew up as an only child, so watching both of my daughters grow as individuals and growing together is such a beautiful thing. It brings me so much joy.
Tony: The coolest thing I love about being a father is that I get to be a role model for my daughters. I’m able to show them what ‘doing things right’ looks like in my eyes. I can set a precedent for my daughters on who to give your energy to based on setting a standard and honoring your values. On a smaller scale, I love when I come home from work, I walk through the door, and both of my daughters welcome me at the door. They say “Hi Daddy!” like 30 times and it is just the best feeling in the world. Coming home from work to them is a whole new joy for me.
Anthony: Honestly, I like the responsibility of being a father. It makes you poke your chest out a little bit. I see fatherhood as ‘I’m a captain of my team and I am leading my team to victory.’ I like the challenge of being a father and being able to learn along the way.
xoN: What have your children taught you about the definition of what being a father means?
Kier: So my first daughter wasn’t planned. I had my daughter with my then-girlfriend, who is now my wife. At that time, we actually decided to break up a couple of months later. Sometimes in those situations, it is a tough hill to climb. So falling in love with my first daughter was a different journey. Now my second daughter, whom I had with my wife, was planned. What my daughters taught me, I could write 40 novels about it so far (laughs). But overall, how I came to love them taught me a lot about love, life, and about myself.
Tony: Harleigh is my first born. With her, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and I felt unprepared. But to be honest, becoming a father is nothing you can ever be fully prepared for. Admittedly, I was more stern with her because I was very protective of her. With Willow, I was more lenient about things. I figured out which things matter and which things didn't matter as much. I have learned to be patient from Harleigh to Willow. I have also learned about being more in tune with my feelings because of my daughters. Man, I can cry at the drop of a hat now!
Anthony: I was a stepfather before having my son. My daughter, I have known her since she was 2 years old. My daughter plays a huge role in everything that I do as a father. She has taught me patience and setting boundaries as a stepparent because her father is still a part of her life. My son has taught me something different about what being a father means. On my podcast, No Guru Ish, I express that my wife and I had to go through IVF because I am infertile.
When we talk about infertility, we always highlight women. But there are men out there who experience male infertility and I’m one of them. The process was very stressful and to say that I needed help to have my son still kind of bothers me, if we are being completely real. But I am so grateful for my son because IVF is still not guaranteed. It is a miracle to have my son and it is an honor for me to be his father. Every minute is so precious to me when it comes to fatherhood.
"When we talk about infertility, we always highlight women. But there are men out there who experience male infertility and I’m one of them. It is a miracle to have my son and it is an honor for me to be his father. Every minute is so precious to me when it comes to fatherhood."
Courtesy of Anthony Edwards
xoN: Are there things that you wish you had done differently as a father?
Kier: No. I’m a firm believer in 'a series of doors leads into a series of doors and that leads to another series of doors.’ You make decisions and those decisions trickle down. I will say though, that I am glad I went to therapy before becoming a father. That is something I am really proud of myself for doing. I believe this journey of fatherhood would have been much more arduous if I hadn’t.
Tony: I am in the Navy. That requires me to travel a lot. The last three years, I haven’t been home as much and time is what I miss the most. You can’t get that time back. I wouldn’t say I would make another career choice because I am very grateful for the position I am in now. But looking back, I would take my career choice more into consideration when it comes to how it will affect my time spent with my family.
Anthony: I will start with my son. My son is only 6 months old, so I will say that I would push him to do things like make him roll over and stuff but I had to take a step back and remind myself that I need to slow down. I need him to do things on his own in his own time. With my daughter, she’s 15 now and I’m 33 years old. So the age difference is at the point where we can hang out, but when it comes to discipline, I have to be that authority figure. I didn’t set that boundary in the beginning. I wish that I could’ve set that boundary between friend and parent earlier than I did now.
xoN: How has being a father shaped your views on love in your marriage?
Kier: Parenthood has made my wife and I a better team. We are both committed to the idea “I got into this relationship with you and not these kids. We put ourselves first.” Now I know that’s a very controversial thing to say. I know people have different hierarchies where they place their children. And hey, that thing (hierarchy chart) moves too! But being a father has taught me how to take care of my wife as a person beyond motherhood. I know she still needs me as a friend, as a husband, and as a companion.
Tony: Being a father has allowed me the space to demonstrate to my daughters what authentic love looks like by the way I love my wife. I am very intentional about how I communicate with my wife and vice versa. My wife and I respect each other’s boundaries and prioritize being on one accord, even if we disagree on something. I need my daughters to witness and understand what a positive healthy relationship looks like. Because if I am being toxic to my wife, then there’s a chance that is what they are going to seek without realizing it. Model behavior is key.
Anthony: The love I have for my wife has grown and I didn’t think it would. The fact that my wife stuck it out through IVF for me is amazing. Now that I’m a father [biologically], my son definitely completed the circle. The bond between us has really gotten deeper after we had our son and it is true unconditional love.
"Being a father has allowed me the space to demonstrate to my daughters what authentic love looks like by the way I love my wife. I am very intentional about how I communicate with my wife and vice versa. My wife and I respect each other’s boundaries and prioritize being on one accord, even if we disagree on something."
Courtesy of Tony Ingram
xoN: What advice do you have for other men that are looking for that sense of community of being a father?
Kier: I say to broaden your circle. Sometimes we automatically look for people who look like us because we assume they have shared the same life experiences and have similar perspectives. That is mostly true. But when you are able to connect with someone on a human level, those differences aren’t a huge factor. There are some things you could miss out on if you do not connect with people with different backgrounds.
Anthony: With my situation, building a sense of community can be a little challenging. I would be vulnerable with some people about my infertility and you never know how people are going to respond. It can definitely be triggering. So what I’m learning now is when I talk about dismantling the stigma on male infertility, I have to look past the negative responses that I might receive. It’s about making awareness and knowing that the awareness helps so many other couples feel seen. So the advice I can give is I think it’s important for men to first know their status with producing children. There are fertility specialists out there and to not only depend on women to know those things. Whether you are a biological father or not, being a father is a blessing and having space to share those experiences with other fathers is important too.
xoN: How would you like your legacy to be remembered? What would you like your children to keep with them about their father, years down the line?
Kier: I think that when you talk about legacy, it’s not really on you. I can bring things into the world, and people are going to read into those things however they want. But the main thing that I want my children to keep with them is to pay it forward. I want them to be satisfied with who they are as individuals because they saw their father happy with who he was. My daughters do not need to be perfect or widely accomplished women. I know there are women who have multiple degrees and multiple businesses but are still unhappy with themselves. So as long as my daughters are happy and know that their father is/was a good man who tried to put good in the Universe, that’s the only thing that matters to me.
Tony: When it comes to legacy, your character and integrity are non-negotiable. The values that I have, have to be solid. For my daughters, I want them to know their father was courageous, his character and integrity were intact, and how to stay ten toes down for what they believe in. Now my wife and I will be having a son soon. When I tell you when we found out we were having a son, there was something that came over me. I thought to myself, ‘You are about to have a mini you.’ My prayer for my son is to be a healthy masculine young man that walks with courage, faith, and integrity. I want him to respect himself and be mindful of his feelings. I want to teach him that it is okay to feel his feelings. Manhood is vulnerability as well as being firm. I want to teach him to not allow others to put him in a box. I want him to be great in his own right. I want him to look up to me and be proud of me.
Anthony: I want my children to know that their dad is relentless and I invested so much into them. I want them to know it is important to believe in themselves and not allow society to throw them off the course. I want my children to also know that if things do get hard, it’s okay because their father made sure that there is a soft landing for them to bounce back from when they fall.
Featured image courtesy of Anthony Edwards
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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