Many of us have or will experience him, the serial seducer. One minute you have lukewarm take it or leave it feelings for the guy, the next you're restraining yourself from handing over the panties to him on a pedestal. While Hollywood romances this inconsistent protoganist as a tall, dark, and handsome mysterious oozing of sex appeal, his seduction tactics rarely has the effect of a happy ending in our real lives. Think about it, should we give Christian Grey types of the world the time of day with their stalker hot and cold need for control over us?
Trust me, the serial seduction bait is not nearly as sexy as a guy who - plot twist: actually likes you and consciously and consistently takes action that supports that notion. But, it still doesn't stop most of us from doing the spread eagle across ole dude's bed before promptly giving it up to him. And when we give our bodies, we know our hearts will soon follow. So, how did we so carelessly let our guard down for the guy we were wary about from day one and become so crazy in lust?
Here are five signs you're the victim of seduction:
He Plays the Game of Push and Pull
He pushes you to the brink of wanting him and then pulls away. An example of this would be flirting with you relentlessly, but all of a sudden making it seem as if you said something to turn him off or did something to lose his interest and then pulling away from you. Another example would be acting completely interested in you then out of nowhere disappearing. They do this subtlely to make you feel as if you did something wrong, to have you further under their spell, spending hours with your girlfriends recounting your last encounter, and wondering what you did to push them away. In reality, it was nothing you did at all.
Instead, it was a calculated move to keep him on your mind. To make you want to pull him back at all costs, to make you become the pursuer. Perhaps he is constantly in pursuit of you, which you find flattering of course, then out of nowhere, he becomes cold. Not cold enough that you no longer want to deal with him, but enough to have you wondering what has gotten into him? Why isn't he being as flirtatious, paying as much attention to you as before?
After spending hours, days, possibly weeks trying to figure out what you did wrong, you decide it's time to get him back on your heels. You are deadset on reversing the roles and getting him to pursue you again, which usually means you become more aggressive, more sexual perhaps than you were previously, all in the name of getting the pursuer back on track. You've fallen right where he wants you girl, and the ball is back in his court.
He Poeticizes His Presence
“The words where have you been sound much sweeter than why have you come."
He uses his absence to control you, to keep you guessing, keep you wondering. His elusiveness is a weapon you are defenseless towards. The more you see someone, the greater chance of you seeing flaws in them, or even red flags of their true character. So, he keeps a distance to disarm you at bay. He knows just when to disappear and he knows the exact moment when to come back. Have you ever noticed just when you start talking to a new guy, an ex that you were madly in love with randomly starts showing you attention, and before you know it you are questioning whether or not they are truly the man for you?
Seducers have a way of using their absence to confuse and heighten your feelings for them. After being oversaturated with attention and affection, their absence again makes you wonder where have they been and if possibly you did something wrong or someone else has caught their attention. Ego is a powerful thing. No one wants to feel like we're being left for someone prettier, smarter, more interesting than us, so when they return, and they always return, we go out of our way, even acting out of character at times to try to get them to never leave again, often at the risk of our own morals and conscious.
He Uses Games to Disarm You
It can be pretty obvious when a non-seducer is trying to bed you. They are uncreative, sex is always the topic, and you are constantly feeling pressured to sleep with them. But a real seducer is patient. They can disarm you in the subtlest of ways. I once had a guy I dated admit to me he would use lighthearted activities to make me more comfortable with him to eventually try to have sex with me. We would play video games and do adventurous activities together without there ever being any mention of sex. In my head I thought, Wow he's not even trying to initiate sex, while secretly he was using games and childlike activities to disarm me and get my mind as far away from sex as possible so when he did finally make his move, I would't feel like that was all he wanted from me.
This form of seduction is extremely deceptive and sometimes tough to decipher because, of course, not all guys are like this and some really do want to get to know you and enjoy doing these activities with you. I would say, use your best judgement. If despite your fun and games there is always some underlining sexual tension or joking with him, it's a big possibility he is using fun and games to disarm you, especially if it's paired with something else on this list.
He Keeps You in Suspense
"Predictable" is the last word anyone would ever use to describe him. You can't guess his moods from one minute to the next, you can't finish his sentences, and his words and actions are just as unpredictable. He is literally all over the place. You hate his crazy outbursts, despise that you don't know his true feelings for you, and for some reason you can't get him out of your head. He uses his unpredictability as a means to never become boring to you. He wants to be the guy you are constantly trying to figure out. After all, what is the fun of someone whose every move you can guess?
He'll allow you to feel like you are on the brink of figuring him out, right on the cusp of truly knowing him, then he'll pull some stunt that you never saw coming. He enjoys stealing your energy in this way and making you constantly try to piece the puzzle together to figure him out. One minute he is telling you he loves you, the next he's ignoring you, or worse, telling you stories about another woman. He's not oblivious to how this makes you feel. In fact, as nonchalant as you may pretend to act, he knows how much he gets to you and takes pleasure in getting under your skin. He's a basketcase of seductive brilliance and you are wrapped around his crazy little finger.
He Appeals to Your Subconscious
He uses seductive trickery to get into your head all. the. time. Perhaps, you'll be walking past an Italian restaurant and he'll tell you how his father proposed to his mom in a restaurant like that and then go into detail of how he would propose one day, when the time is right. Or maybe he sends you screenshots of faraway romantic getaways he would want to someday visit, maybe reposts sentimental love quotes online with statuses like, “someday" or “I can't wait to have this." When you know, along with the other women he is slowly seducing, he could have that with any woman of his choosing.
The truth is, he doesn't want that, not now anyway. He wants to continue being a player while appealing to your subconscious making you picture tropical vacations and white picket fences. You know it's all talk when the actions are not behind it. It's simply talk. One day he is butterflies and roses, the next he's a douche bag talking trash.
Do yourself a favor sis, don't fall into the clever trap of the seducer, he is constantly evolving and learning new tricks to get in any way he can fit in. Keep your eyes open and your heart and legs closed to the clever seducer dressed in a good man's clothing.
Originally published on Why I Waited
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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